skygiants: shiny metal Ultraman with a Colonel Sanders beard and crown (yes minister)
[personal profile] skygiants


THE AVENGERS: We're wiping out the last of Hydra, an organization which has been completely embedded in various levels of the US military-industrial complex for the past fifty years! That's totally a thing you can do in one ten-minute battle sequence Somewhere in Eastern Europia.
THOR: I'm real excited for this battle to be over with so I can get the Asgardian MacGuffin back and zoom on out of this movie and back to my own high fantasy adventures.

WANDA MAXIMOFF: Hey Tony I just ambiguously mind-whammied you to do ... a thing? To have PTSD? To be your worst self? I dunno, I did something, it's kind of unclear, but the plot of the movie rests on it! Have fun!

TONY: Hey Bruce wanna make a super-powerful artificial intelligence to keep peace on Earth without asking anybody else?
BRUCE: That sounds like an amazingly terrible idea.

[THIRTY SECONDS LATER]

BRUCE: I have no idea how you talked me into that amazingly terrible idea.
TONY: Me neither, buddy! :D Now let's go leave this experiment running and have a party.

RHODEY: Hey! I'm here! Mostly for a few jokes, but I'm here!
MARIA HILL: That's great, but why aren't any of the other women in the Marvel franchise at this party?
TONY: Pretty sure Marvel decided it couldn't afford them.

NATASHA: Hey Bruce did you get the memo about how we have a deep relationship and burgeoning tormented love?
BRUCE: Memo? What memo, I didn't get any memo! Who sent this memo, where did it come from, when did we even have time to hang out when I was living in Stark Tower and you were taking down SHIELD in DC --
NATASHA: Look, we established in Cap 2 that as an efficient operative I'm willing to occasionally take weird orders without questioning them. I GOT THE MEMO. WE HAVE A BURGEONING TORMENTED LOVE. THIS IS MY LIFE NOW.
BRUCE: I .... okay.

STEVE: So, hey, Bruce, you and Natasha! Super cute!
BRUCE: ... you also got the memo? Did everyone but me get the memo?
STEVE: What memo, the one about how massive militarized superhero enterprises are totally cool and not weird at all in a post-Cap 2 universe?
BRUCE: No, the one about how me and Nat apparently have a burgeoning tormented love.
STEVE: Oh, no, I just really respected Natasha's dedicated efforts to pair me up with someone last movie and felt like I should return the favor.

DR. CHO: I'm here, my specialty is regenerating skin cells, I'll probably be plot-important later, I guess.
FALCON: I'm also here to name-drop Operation Find Bucky but don't get your hopes up because I will not be plot-relevant later in the movie at all.

ULTRON: I am here and I killed Jarvis and I downloaded myself through the entire Internet and I'm controlling all electronics everywhere! It's a good thing I'm not gonna use this to do anything more subtle, sinister or all-encompassing than possess a bunch of giant robots! Could've really gone Skynet on you guys, LOL! Oh, also, I think superheroes are maybe bad for the world, like, did you see the massive property damage that happened at the end of Man of Steel? Intense, right? Oh, also also I'm also taking this Asgardian MacGuffin to piss off Thor.
THOR: GODDAMMIT NOW I HAVE TO STAY IN THIS MOVIE >:( >:( >:(

STEVE: Tony we are really disappointed in you for this really stupid decision that is probably going to cause major loss of life, but eh, now's not the time.
BRUCE: Is anyone disappointed in me for my part in this really stupid decision?
STEVE: Nah, feeling guilty for making bad decisions about militarized science is Tony's job.
NAT: Is anybody going to talk about Ultron's points about whether having an ultra-militarized unstoppable team causing massive property damage all over the place potentially causes more long-term worldwide harm than ... not having that team?
STEVE: Nah, we're not supposed to engage with that in this movie. I got a memo that says the important thing is that we're all in this together!
THOR: I mean, correct me if I'm wrong, I wasn't there and none of this is really a big deal to me because I'm literally an alien with no stake in your government, but didn't you and Tony each spend your last movies emphatically deciding to nope out of the US military-industrial complex --
STEVE: NAH.

THE MAXIMOFF TWINS: We hate Tony Stark for being an arms dealer and contributing to our tragic backstory!
ULTRON: I hate Tony Stark too because poorly-described robot daddy issues! Let's be friends!
THE MAXIMOFF TWINS: 'kay.

MARVEL: So FYI after blowing up New York in the last Avengers movie we've decided to outsource our property damage to foreign countries now so our US audience doesn't feel obliged to care. Let's all take a trip to Africa!
WANDA MAXIMOFF: Weird hallucinatory episodes for everyone!
THOR: I'm seeing the quest movie I could've gotten if I wasn't still stuck in this film, goddamnit!
NATASHA: I'm seeing a vision of what a Black Widow movie could have been like if Marvel ever got around to it. The unkindest cut of all. ;___;
STEVE: I'm seeing ... swing dancing! Awesome swing dancing. And Hayley Atwell is here! Best weird hallucinatory episode ever.
BRUCE: I'm seeing HUUUUUUULK

[A LONG AND DEPRESSING FIGHT SCENE ENSUES]

TONY: Well, 60% of this city is destroyed now and millions of harmless people are traumatized and probably suffering from long-term lung damage, entirely due to our own fuckups. Specifically, mine and Bruce's fuckups. Partly also Wanda's fuckups I guess.
BRUCE: So is now the time to talk about the ethical considerations surrounding the Avengers initiative and whether we should consider disbanding --
TONY: No, no, it's cool, I've got my private foundation in here to do some disaster relief work! IT'S FINE. EVERYTHING'S FINE.

MARIA HILL: FYI, the entire global press pretty much is having a field day tearing you apart right now. It's OK, this will never be mentioned again.

HAWKEYE: HEY GUYS guess what I am IN this movie and I am NOT brainwashed and I get to even make some QUIPS now we're all going to go meet my ADORABLE PREGNANT WIFE AND CHILDREN at our FARMHOUSE in the COUNTRY! :D
NATASHA: Hi kids, great to see you again! :D
STEVE: ...
BRUCE: ...
TONY: ...
THOR: ...
STEVE: ... so, um, this is very nice! What does your life do for a living, Hawkeye?
HAWKEYE: ... she's pregnant? There might be farming? IDK, I'm only here like a fraction of the time, we mentioned her name, I don't know what else you want from me.
TONY: Was that a Matt Fraction pun, because I don't appreciate the reference to the more beloved version of Hawkeye you might have been.
THOR: Oh my god, I'm so tired of this movie, I'm just going to go find my own epic fantasy quest film. OK? OK LATER LOSERS.

BRUCE: Sooooo Nat I know we got that memo and all but given all the massive damage to life and limb that happened in the last scene I'm thinking maybe I am not really an asset to this whole Avengers Initiative and I ...
NATASHA: Bruce! Remember we have a burgeoning tormented love!
BRUCE: ... and I, um, I'm a monster and we can never have a family or kids like Hawkeye apparently has ...? It's -- am I doing it right? Is this the kind of tragic you meant?
NATASHA: Bruce! I was sterilized in the Red Room! I'm a monster too! Let's run away together!
BRUCE: ... really? Because, a.) that's -- a very weird and somewhat unfortunate comparison to make, and b.) that's really not what I thought we were getting out of your flashback sequence at all, and --
NATASHA: Look, Bruce, being an Avenger means sticking to the mission and I GOT A MEMO.

THOR, NOW IN AN ENTIRELY DIFFERENT MOVIE: I must seek out the magical waters of thingummy to interpret my vision of whosamawatchit and save Asgard from destruction!
STELLAN SKARSGARD: I'm not entirely sure why I'm here to be your sidekick for this instead of Natalie Portman, but sure, OK.
THOR, NOW IN AN ENTIRELY DIFFERENT MOVIE: Pretty sure Marvel decided it couldn't afford her.

ULTRON: I've decided I want to grow an android body!
DR. CHO: Told you I was going to be plot-relevant later! Quick question: why do you want to grow and inhabit an android body instead of just taking over the entire internet and all connected systems and thereby exerting an instant chokehold on the Earth? Like, we've all seen Terminator.
ULTRON: I dunno, having an android body and blowing stuff up just sounds like more fun.

WANDA MAXIMOFF: Now that you're half-downloaded into the android body I can read your mind and, oops, you're genocidal! Pietro, we're switching sides!
PIETRO MAXIMOFF: OK, sure! I guess our motivations were never that clearly sketched out anyway!

[ANOTHER LONG FIGHT SCENE ENSUES]

TONY: Hey, check it, we captured Ultron's not-actually-Ultron-yet android body in progress!
BRUCE: ... cool?
TONY: You know what this means? >:D
BRUCE: ....what....
TONY: We can make another super-powerful artificial intelligence to keep peace on Earth without asking anybody else!
BRUCE: That sounds like an even worse idea now than it did the first time you proposed it, when it led to massive global destruction!

[THIRTY SECONDS LATER]

BRUCE: I have no idea how you talked me into that truly astoundingly terrible idea.
STEVE: Seriously! What the hell, Tony?
TONY: It's a GREAT idea and I will PUNCH you if you DON'T SEE THAT IT'S BRILLIANT.
STEVE: Well ... maybe me and my new buddies the Maximoffs will punch YOU, how about that?

BRUCE: ... so I'll just stand awkwardly to one side during this fight scene, twiddling my thumbs like I had nothing to do with this operation whatsoever, shall I? :D

THOR, RETURNING FROM HIS ENTIRELY DIFFERENT MOVIE: FRIENDS GUESS WHAT I went on a QUEST and had a VISION and there was MAGIC WATER and anyway on this highly unspecific vision quest I learned that this super-powerful artificial intelligence is actually gonna be a pretty cool dude! Played by Paul Bettany!
STEVE: ...
THOR: Come on, we all loved A Knight's Tale, right? No way Paul Bettany could ever be evil!
PAUL BETTANY!BOT: Well, I was sort of evil in The Da Vinci Code.
THOR: Tormented! You were tormented. Anyway, we'd all rather not speak of that movie.
PAUL BETTANY!BOT: Anyway fortunately for all you guys I am so not evil I can casually lift Thor's hammer! Let's go save the day! All ... ten of us? Are there ten of us now? That seems like a lot.
STEVE: Only nine? The original six plus you plus the Maximoffs? I think only nine.
TONY: Actually I only count eight.
HAWKEYE: ... wait, where's Natasha?

NATASHA, HANGING OUT IN PRISON WITH ULTRON: So ... um ... any particular reason for kidnapping me?
ULTRON: Hey, you're a damsel, you're in distress, Bruce can bust you out and it'll be romantic or something, right?
NATASHA: Oh, good, you got the memo!

MARVEL: Just in case you US viewers were worried, this battle sequence takes place in Eastern Europia! No massive property damage and loss of life in the States, don't worry! You don't have to care at all!
STEVE: But because we are the AVENGERS and WAY MORE RESPONSIBLE than those jerks in Man of Steel we will certainly rescue every single person who is seen in peril on the screen! The ones who are presumably in all the cars and buildings collapsing offscreen are on their own.

BRUCE: Natasha! I've saved you! Let's run away together! Is this what the memo says I'm supposed to be doing because I'm still not sure --
NATASHA: It is, but ... now that push comes to shove, turns out I do still have my underlying characterization as a loyal and deeply pragmatic and dedicated operative, so ... ... SO sorry to push you off a cliff and force you to Hulk out, Bruce! I realize it's a BETRAYAL of our LOVE, but it's for the greater good!
BRUCE: >.<

RHODEY: HEY I'm here to rescue some civilians!
NICK FURY: And I!
MARIA HILL: And I!
THAT ONE BRAVE NERDY GUY FROM WINTER SOLDIER: And I! Man, remember that last, much better movie we were all in? Moment of silence for that film, y'all.

[ROBOT BATTLE ENSUES]

ULTRON: I mean, I guess at this point I could just connect to the Internet and go full Skynet --
PAUL BETTANY!BOT: I cut off all your connections to the Internet forever!
ULTRON: Ah, well. Missed opportunity.

[ROBOT BATTLE ENSUES]

PIETRO MAXIMOFF: Well, someone has to die tragically in this film and I guess I'm it. Goodbye, cruel world!

[ROBOT BATTLE ENSUES FOREVER]

PAUL BETTANY!BOT: It's cool, y'all, I stopped Ultron! We're good! -- how many of us are there supposed to be now?
STEVE: Eight? All nine minus Pietro? I think eight.
TONY: Actually I only count seven.
HAWKEYE: ... wait, where's Bruce?
NATASHA: He decided to nope out of the Avengers. Too bad about our TRAGIC LOVE!
HAWKEYE: Oh, well, in that case, can I nope out too?
THOR: Oh my God, I've been waiting FOREVER to leave this movie! Later y'all!
TONY: Given that this entire movie was my fault, I guess ... I probably should nope out too ... before anyone attempts to impose any actual consequences for my poor decisions ...
STEVE: Yeah, that seems like a good call.

NATASHA: OK, so who's left?
STEVE: Well, there's you, me, Paul Bettany!bot, Wanda, and then I called in Falcon and Rhodey, with Dr. Cho and Stellan Skarsgaard to do science stuff now that both our science guys are gone? Does that sound like an OK Avengers lineup?
NATASHA: ... actually that sounds like an awesome Avengers lineup.
STEVE: Doesn't it, though? I mean, except for the part where we're basically rebuilding SHIELD, which at the end of Cap 2 we all agreed was a terrible idea. But other than that.
NATASHA: Well, yeah, sure, other than that.
Page 1 of 2 << [1] [2] >>

Date: 2015-05-04 12:31 am (UTC)
genusshrike: 'Wish' icon (Default)
From: [personal profile] genusshrike
SO MUCH TRUTH.

(Although as non-American, I actually found it kind of refreshing that they decided to destroy some of the rest of the world too. Superhero-induced destruction for everyone!)

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Date: 2015-05-04 12:48 am (UTC)
newredshoes: radio tower on top of the world (cap | the star-spangled man with a plan)
From: [personal profile] newredshoes
I love you.

Date: 2015-05-04 12:53 am (UTC)
seekingferret: Photo of me with my 2012 Purim beard, with stripes shaven into it. (Default)
From: [personal profile] seekingferret
Though isn't it a little optimistic to say Marvel was too cheap to pay for Natalie Portman and Gwyneth Paltrow when it's so much more likely that someone said "Hey, Helen Cho and Natasha Romanoff and Mrs. Barton and Maria Hill and Wanda Maximoff... That's five women! That's enough women, right?"

Date: 2015-05-04 01:03 am (UTC)
graycardinal: Shadow on asphalt (Default)
From: [personal profile] graycardinal
And what I was wondering was whether Portman and/or Paltrow might have said "gee, we'd be getting two and a half minutes of screen time and not much to do in it, and here's all the other juicier stuff we could be doing instead", and decided to do the juicier stuff.

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Date: 2015-05-04 01:48 am (UTC)
kate_nepveu: sleeping cat carved in brown wood (Default)
From: [personal profile] kate_nepveu
Oh my gosh it WAS the guy from _Winter Soldier_, I knew he looked familiar but I thought maybe he was Galaga guy!

Otherwise you know I agree with this 100000% and I'm impressed you did it funny instead of with all the swearing I did.

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Date: 2015-05-04 01:50 am (UTC)
sovay: (Morell: quizzical)
From: [personal profile] sovay
STEVE: Oh, no, I just really respected Natasha's dedicated efforts to pair me up with someone last movie and felt like I should return the favor.

I accept this explanation.

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Date: 2015-05-04 02:10 am (UTC)
elsane: an evil plot bunny. (literally.)
From: [personal profile] elsane
On the principle of the thing I am not reading your spoilers yet (but HA YOUR ICON), but I can feel the need to prioritize seeing this movie slowly slipping away....

Date: 2015-05-04 03:39 am (UTC)
brownbetty: (Default)
From: [personal profile] brownbetty
*weeps*

Date: 2015-05-04 04:08 am (UTC)
vivien: (bug eyed surprise)
From: [personal profile] vivien
NATASHA: Look, we established in Cap 2 that as an efficient operative I'm willing to occasionally take weird orders without questioning them. I GOT THE MEMO. WE HAVE A BURGEONING TORMENTED LOVE. THIS IS MY LIFE NOW.

This makes so much sense that I have now accepted it as canon!!!!

Thank you for this highly entertaining review!!!!!!

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Date: 2015-05-04 04:24 am (UTC)
kore: (Black Widow - Red Room movie poster)
From: [personal profile] kore
AND THIS IS WHY YOU ARE AWESOME.

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Date: 2015-05-04 04:50 am (UTC)
recessional: two white rats and a tiny teddy bear (personal; rat-pile = argument invalid)
From: [personal profile] recessional
Hi, I am from network and would like to say that for various reasons every mention of this movie was genuinely upsetting me earlier today and then I read this and it actually made me feel much better and with better equilibrium so thank you.

This has been your highly dorky comment.

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Date: 2015-05-04 05:48 am (UTC)
yasaman: Natasha Romanov from the Avengers movie franchise looking down while shit explodes behind her (natasha motherfucking romanov)
From: [personal profile] yasaman
Oh my god, thank you for this. I laughed a lot, and I really needed that. :D

Date: 2015-05-04 06:05 am (UTC)
lacewood: (Default)
From: [personal profile] lacewood
STEVE: Oh, no, I just really respected Natasha's dedicated efforts to pair me up with someone last movie and felt like I should return the favor.

This needs to be a running gag in every single movie in which Steve and Natasha appear together from now on. Increasingly ludicrous love interest suggestions! SOMEONE SUGGESTS DATING NICK FURY! What could possibly go wrong.

Answer: Nothing can possibly go more wrong than that Natasha/Bruce conversation in the farmhouse, go for it guys!

Date: 2015-05-04 12:05 pm (UTC)
kate_nepveu: sleeping cat carved in brown wood (Default)
From: [personal profile] kate_nepveu
I am realizing that fandom has totally warped my opinions on what is a totally ludicrous love interest. Like, I actually agree that Nick is, but that's because I have a cross-generational/mentor squick, which is hardly universal. Also, I firmly believe that, as the AO3 tag says, everyone is poly because Avengers.

Also also, the most ludicrous suggestion for Steve has already come and, presumably, gone: Sharon Carter. Unless we go into the flat-out villains, well, I don't think that's getting beat.

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Date: 2015-05-04 06:54 am (UTC)
heliopausa: (Default)
From: [personal profile] heliopausa
:D This was great fun to read. Thanks!

Date: 2015-05-04 07:09 am (UTC)
minim_calibre: (Default)
From: [personal profile] minim_calibre
This is exactly what happened. Yes.

Date: 2015-05-04 07:41 am (UTC)
monanotlisa: (natasha - avengers)
From: [personal profile] monanotlisa
I love you. This is perfect.

That's where I lost it:

STEVE: So, hey, Bruce, you and Natasha! Super cute!
BRUCE: ... you also got the memo? Did everyone but me get the memo?
STEVE: What memo, the one about how massive militarized superhero enterprises are totally cool and not weird at all in a post-Cap 2 universe?
BRUCE: No, the one about how me and Nat apparently have a burgeoning tormented love.
STEVE: Oh, no, I just really respected Natasha's dedicated efforts to pair me up with someone last movie and felt like I should return the favor.


Like, my life. I lost my life. I'm dead.

(ALSO "OH, GOOD, *YOU* GOT THE MEMO!)

<3

Date: 2015-05-04 08:33 am (UTC)
alias_sqbr: Darkwing Duck (dw!)
From: [personal profile] alias_sqbr
I actually quite enjoyed the movie (mostly I just really like robots) but this is 100% accurate.

Date: 2015-05-04 09:38 am (UTC)
schneefink: River walking among trees, from "Safe" (Default)
From: [personal profile] schneefink
This is completely accurate. *sigh* At least your review makes it more entertaining, so thanks for that :)

Date: 2015-05-04 10:03 am (UTC)
lilacsigil: Black Widow with sights on her (black widow)
From: [personal profile] lilacsigil
This was super delightful. The memo is the only explanation.

Date: 2015-05-04 10:25 am (UTC)
neotoma: "Squee!" goes the bunny (SqueeBunny)
From: [personal profile] neotoma
This is an *awesome* and extremely accurate summary.

Poor Bruce, trying to be the voice of reason and failing. So much failing.

Date: 2015-05-04 10:37 am (UTC)
aunty_marion: Shhh... (Say my name!)
From: [personal profile] aunty_marion
*THOR, NOW IN AN ENTIRELY DIFFERENT MOVIE* Oh, so much this. "...and I'm running out of things to say..." WTEverlivingF???? (Also, I wish he'd wash & comb his hair. Looks like he's been in a grease/mud bath for days. Not attractive.)
Edited Date: 2015-05-04 10:38 am (UTC)

Date: 2015-05-04 11:32 am (UTC)
rmc28: Rachel standing in front of the entrance to the London Eye pier (Default)
From: [personal profile] rmc28
This is hysterically funny and highly accurate. Thank you :-)

Date: 2015-05-04 12:18 pm (UTC)
starlady: The Avengers regroup in Midtown (Natasha, Steve, Clint, Thor) (more legendary and more desperate)
From: [personal profile] starlady
Wow. WOOOOWWWWW.

This handily answers my question as to whether I should feel bad about not seeing it at the same time as everyone else because I'm in Japan. NOPE.

Date: 2015-05-04 03:17 pm (UTC)
jinian: (dandy highwayman)
From: [personal profile] jinian
I am apparently in the minority here, because I was really wary of seeing it at all and now totally want to. :)

Date: 2015-05-04 02:24 pm (UTC)
laurashapiro: a woman sits at a kitchen table reading a book, cup of tea in hand. Table has a sliced apple and teapot. A cat looks on. (Default)
From: [personal profile] laurashapiro
This is PERFECT.

Date: 2015-05-04 02:38 pm (UTC)
princessofgeeks: (Black Widow by musesfool)
From: [personal profile] princessofgeeks
You win the internets.

Date: 2015-05-04 03:04 pm (UTC)
psocoptera: ink drawing of celtic knot (Default)
From: [personal profile] psocoptera
I followed a link to this. This is the BEST THING. A MEMO. Thor's entirely different movie. Hahahaha sigh facepalm.
Page 1 of 2 << [1] [2] >>

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