skygiants: Lord Yon from Legend of the First King's Four Gods in full regalia; text, 'judging' (judging)
[personal profile] skygiants
OK, so if you've been around the internet you probably have already heard that KFC recently released a romance novella featuring Colonel Sanders. It is called Tender Wings of Desire and was available for free, so obviously I downloaded it despite knowing that this made me a tool of capitalist America.

Unfortunately, Tender Wings of Desire commits the worst sin that a joke romance novella written by a corporation can possibly commit: it is boring as heck.

In case you, too, find yourself fatally curious, here is a brief summation of the events of Tender Wings of Desire:

- Madeline Parker, A Vaguely Regency Lady, who is Breathtakingly Beautiful but, Unlike Other Girls, does not like Embroidery or Matters of the Household, gets engaged to a perfectly nice Duke
- But Alas! She Does Not Love Him!
- she wants to See The World!
- so on the night before the wedding she flees into the night with zero preparation or plans
- which is fine because the next day she gets a job at an inn in a small seaside town by walking in and asking the inn if they have a job
- she's so much happier doing manual inn labor than she was as a fine lady
- no you don't understand! she's Seeing the World! a whole ... different small town of it!
- anyway then she meets a dreamy glasses-wearing sailor
- they go for a walk, once, and then they are in love
- now that she's not a lady anymore, there's absolutely no reason in the world that she shouldn't have premarital sex!
- they kiss a few times and have some tastefully ambiguous fade-to-black banging(?)
- her new innkeeper friend drops a backstory about being seduced by a rake sailor but Madeline's like "he's not LIKE that" and it's fine, he totally isn't
- but then alas, the dramatic reveal: though she THOUGHT he was but a humble sailor, his family has sent him a letter begging him to return home and assume the mantle of their business empire!
- "Yes, I'm a Colonel. Yes, I'm fabulously rich. I am a magnate of the restaurant industry, my dear, the king of an empire that I built with my bare hands. I took a sabbatical from my duties in order to see the world, see what else could possibly be out there, and on the course of my journey I found what I was looking for."
- honestly that line is the only thing entertaining enough to read the novella for and now, there it is, you've read it. You're welcome.
- (she almost dumps him because she doesn't want to go back to Being A Lady)
- (but the next chapter they're married and sailing back to Kentucky to take over the business empire so I guess that's fine)
- (can't believe I sold my soul to KFC for this)
- (I'M A VEGETARIAN)

Date: 2017-05-14 02:09 am (UTC)
kalloway: (Disgaea Sexy Demon)
From: [personal profile] kalloway
I'm not sure I have enough LOLWUT for this and may need to go purchase more before continuing.

Date: 2017-05-14 02:18 am (UTC)
landofnowhere: (Default)
From: [personal profile] landofnowhere
How disappointing; I'd rather read Anne Shirley's romance that Diana co-opted to sell Rollings Reliable Baking Powder!

Date: 2017-05-14 02:22 am (UTC)
sophia_sol: drawing of Combeferre, smiling and holding up a finger like he's about to explain something (Default)
From: [personal profile] sophia_sol
Thank you for reading this so the rest of us don't have to! I was curious about it and you have satisfied my curiosity. How disappointing of it to be boring

Date: 2017-05-14 07:33 am (UTC)
miss_s_b: (Default)
From: [personal profile] miss_s_b
I agree with this comment

Date: 2017-05-14 02:24 am (UTC)
sovay: (Morell: quizzical)
From: [personal profile] sovay
Unfortunately, Tender Wings of Desire commits the worst sin that a joke romance novella written by a corporation can possibly commit: it is boring as heck.

That is an incredible waste of a joke romance novella!

(no subject)

From: [personal profile] sovay - Date: 2017-05-14 07:23 pm (UTC) - Expand

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From: [personal profile] kore - Date: 2017-05-14 07:27 pm (UTC) - Expand

Date: 2017-05-14 02:27 am (UTC)
aamcnamara: (Default)
From: [personal profile] aamcnamara
They should've gotten Chuck Tingle to ghostwrite it.

Date: 2017-05-14 03:03 am (UTC)
mific: (Default)
From: [personal profile] mific
PEGGED IN MY ENORMOUS COLONELBURGER BUTT BY A RUNAWAY CHICKADEE!
Edited Date: 2017-05-14 03:04 am (UTC)

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From: [personal profile] kore - Date: 2017-05-14 07:31 pm (UTC) - Expand

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From: [personal profile] conuly - Date: 2017-05-29 06:22 pm (UTC) - Expand

Date: 2017-05-14 07:15 pm (UTC)
sovay: (Cho Hakkai: intelligence)
From: [personal profile] sovay
They should've gotten Chuck Tingle to ghostwrite it.

+1.

(no subject)

From: [personal profile] bookblather - Date: 2017-05-14 10:38 pm (UTC) - Expand

Date: 2017-05-14 03:38 am (UTC)
kate_nepveu: sleeping cat carved in brown wood (Default)
From: [personal profile] kate_nepveu
*quietly sings "Would you like a burger?" to self*

Date: 2017-05-14 04:03 am (UTC)
marginaliana: Buddy the dog carries Bobo the toy (Default)
From: [personal profile] marginaliana
I'm so sad that this isn't weirder! Chuck Tingle has raised the bar, I guess (or... lowered the bar??). Thank you for reading so we don't have to!

Date: 2017-05-14 09:09 am (UTC)
kore: (Default)
From: [personal profile] kore
Chuck Tingle has blown up the bar with the pure energy of all buckaroos who love and dinosaur kisses.

Date: 2017-05-14 04:05 am (UTC)
sasha_feather: Retro-style poster of skier on pluto.   (Default)
From: [personal profile] sasha_feather
Hahah! Thanks for sharing that excellent summary.

Date: 2017-05-14 04:52 am (UTC)
littlerhymes: the fox and the prince (Default)
From: [personal profile] littlerhymes
I am so disappointed! But thank you for taking this one for the team, ha.

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From: [personal profile] antisoppist - Date: 2017-05-15 09:24 am (UTC) - Expand

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From: [personal profile] littlerhymes - Date: 2017-05-15 02:50 pm (UTC) - Expand

Date: 2017-05-14 05:30 am (UTC)
genarti: ([lotr] special effects budget)
From: [personal profile] genarti
I'm so sad they wasted this golden opportunity for hilarity! Bah humbug. But thank you for taking one for the team!

(no subject)

From: [personal profile] genarti - Date: 2017-05-15 12:27 am (UTC) - Expand

Date: 2017-05-14 09:08 am (UTC)
kore: (Default)
From: [personal profile] kore
KFC recently released a romance novella

WHA

featuring Colonel Sanders.

WHAAAAA?

It is called Tender Wings of Desire

THIS WAS TRUMP'S IDEA. SOMEHOW.

Date: 2017-05-14 10:54 am (UTC)
sdelmonte: (Default)
From: [personal profile] sdelmonte
Well, not everything can be as good as the KFC/Flash crossover comics.

Date: 2017-05-14 10:35 pm (UTC)
bookblather: A picture of Yomiko Readman looking at books with the text "bookgasm." (Default)
From: [personal profile] bookblather
WHAT

I mean. I started out boggling at the fact that KFC wrote a ROMANCE NOVEL TIE-IN and just... never stopped...

(no subject)

From: [personal profile] bookblather - Date: 2017-05-17 02:10 am (UTC) - Expand

Date: 2017-05-14 11:29 pm (UTC)
in_the_blue: (let the dominoes fall)
From: [personal profile] in_the_blue
Brb, laughing forever.

Date: 2017-05-15 02:54 pm (UTC)
melannen: Commander Valentine of Alpha Squad Seven, a red-haired female Nick Fury in space, smoking contemplatively (Default)
From: [personal profile] melannen
I... if you're going to do that, it either needs to be an book that actually deals seriously with all the cultural weirdness that is the concept of a "Kentucky Colonel" or you need to go ALL OUT with the bird puns and chicken obsession.

(I was a thirdhand witness via gossip to my grandfather's high school classmate Frank Perdue's attempts at romancing my grandfather's high school classmate Eunice Lee when they were all in their 80s and all that was left of their high school class, I know from chicken-obsessed romance okay.)

Please tell me the inn at least specialized in fried chicken!
Edited Date: 2017-05-15 02:55 pm (UTC)

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From: [personal profile] rachelmanija - Date: 2017-05-17 04:52 am (UTC) - Expand

Date: 2017-05-28 04:25 am (UTC)
conuly: (Default)
From: [personal profile] conuly
How could a romance novella featuring Colonel Sanders be boring!? That's a really bad fuckup.

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