skygiants | (no subject)

Disorganized thoughts on Snow White and the Huntsman!

- that movie made zero sense in a lot of ways
- and yet I am totally okay with that, because it made no sense in all the ways that Classic Epic Fantasy about a Destined Chosen King-To-Be makes no sense, except about a Destined Chosen Queen-To-Be, and you know what, still not enough of that out there! So rock on, movie. COMMIT to your bad fantasy tropes self. I AM WITH YOU
- also it was very pretty
- except when fairies were slithering out of the backs of birds because seriously, WTF
- or when Snow White was communing with random helpful horses and mystical stags because HAHAHAHA and also, again, WTF
- also this movie wanted you to make very sure you knew what it shipped, which was hilarious, and fine by me, I am willing to roll with that!
- especially since I could not manage to pay much attention any time the non-Thor love interest was on the screen
- but I am really happy that the movie ended with Snow White becoming queen without having to Pick A Dude or Resolve The Love Triangle, because that's not the point!
- I am totally on board with the rumored sequel and/or trilogy because I really, really want it to be the fourth book of Twelve Kingdoms, in which the queen doesn't know a lot about ruling, because she has never had any training in it, and then learns about ruling and is awesome and responsible, possibly with the help of a couple of revolutionary teenaged girls her own age, and it's great
- but the rumored sequel and/or trilogy probably will not be that in any way :(
- BUT I LIVE IN HOPE
- (also otherwise I have no idea what you would even do with a sequel and/or trilogy
- (but if any of you have ideas, please do tell me!)

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Maybe they just thought they were walking for weeks when actually they were stuck in some particularly hallucinogenic spot of the Dark Forest? This would also explain all the stuff that happens in the Dark Forest that does not make much sense, like Snow White accidentally speaking troll language. ALTHOUGH THAT WAS HILARIOUS. (We speculated that Snow White managed to say "WHAT WOULD YOUR MOTHER THINK" in troll language; the Huntsman was also trying to say this, but he only got as far as "YOUR MOM.")

And hah, yeah, I know, right? I have NO IDEA how Lily Cole got her youth and beauty back. Like, obviously Mrs. Huntsman is pretty really dead, but maybe you just die of old age/natural causes as a side effect of being de-youthenated and not of the de-youthenation process itself?

But I want people to rewrite it in their heads! And then share their rewrites with me so it's better!

... Well, I guess "mass hallucinations" would explain the middle portion of the movie as well as anything else. HAHAHA THAT TROLL. After the fairies turned up I decided they were probably to blame for everything else because WHY NOT. If they can possess a bird, they can possess a horse/troll/etc!

I KNOOOW. And given the AMOUNT OF MAGIC the Queen was using, you would presume she'd used up whatever beauty/youth/magic she'd taken, rather than... have it still hanging around to conveniently go back to the original owner. Also does this mean the castle dundgeons are full of half-dead old ladies they just leave there until they die? Seems... inefficient. Screenwriters, have you never read a fantasy novel, just because it's magic doesn't mean it doesn't have to make sense okay. *shakes fist*

Come to think, the biggest question we all had after the movie was why did the Queen let Snow White live at all? A question to which I have not been able to devise a satisfactory answer. XD The version in my head apparently involves creepy ritual sacrifices and Snow White actually getting a token month of military training before they stormed the castle and probably... doesn't make much more sense than the movie...

All I'm saying is, if Frodo had known that trick of "try to roar at it and it'll look sort of sheepish and go away," Lord of the Rings would have been a very different movie!

AND SERIOUSLY. Like, I am all for Lily Cole surviving and being young again instead of Creepy Brother, but you'd think she would have . . . tried to use that to save Creepy Brother . . . I do like the notion that the dungeons are just crammed full of cranky old ladies, though. ARMIES OF OLD LADIES. What you didn't see is the part of the movie where a dwarf went and freed all the angry old ladies and then they started laying about them with buckets and knitting needles.

The version in my head involves a weird personal bond that the Queen felt for Snow White where their first meeting and times when the Queen went to visit her that were alluded to and never seen (I WANTED THEM TO BE SEEN) had some kind of relevance! I WANT FANDOM TO GIVE ME THIS VERSION. I'm waiting, fandom!