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THE JUPITER ASCENDING EXPERIENCE WAS EVERYTHING I WANTED IT TO BE.

If you have an inner fourteen-year-old, and your inner fourteen-year-old loves SPACE and PRINCESSES and ANGSTY HALF-ALBINO HALF-WOLVES WITHOUT SHIRTS WHO ZOOM AROUND ON SPACE ROLLERSKATES and BEES, then run, do not walk, to the theater right now. Do not pass go! Do not read this long and spoilery recap!

So the movie begins with Jarvis from Peggy Carter and Mrs. S. from Orphan Black as cute Russians in love, but alas! Jarvis is killed tragically by something totally irrelevant to the plot, and somehow this results in pregnant Mrs. S. having to immigrate to New York with all of her wacky Russian relatives and work as a cleaning lady with her daughter, Mila Kunis, aka JUPITER JONES, SECRET SPACE PRINCESS.

MEANWHILE, in a galaxy far, far away, evil space prince Eddie Redmayne and his space siblings, Wrinkly Sis and Gap Model Bro, happen to bump into each other on a planet they've just murdered and exchange pleasantries to let us know that they're all evil.

MEANWHILE MEANWHILE, Channing Tatum is zooming around on anti-gravity roller skates, pursued by bounty hunters, in search of ... something. Could it be ... secret space princess Jupiter Jones? POSSIBLY.

However Secret Space Princess Jupiter Jones does not know this as of yet because she's busy being impoverished and waking up at 5 AM to clean toilets, and deciding whether to go along with her wacky Russian cousin's advice and sell her eggs.

WACKY RUSSIAN COUSIN VLADIE: I swear, if you sell your eggs, I will buy something life-changing with this money!
SECRET SPACE PRINCESS JUPITER JONES: ...like what?
WACKY RUSSIAN COUSIN VLADIE: idk, a Playstation?
SECRET SPACE PRINCESS JUPITER JONES: Can I save five thousand dollars to buy the world's most expensive symbolic telescope?
WACKY RUSSIAN COUSIN VLADIE: Sure, why not. Anyway, enjoy your latke dinner.
SECRET SPACE PRINCESS JUPITER JONES: Oh, is that why we had to flee Russia? Because we're Jewish?
WACKY RUSSIAN COUSIN VLADIE: How the hell should I know? What do I look like, the department of backstory?

So Secret Space Princess Jupiter Jones trots into the local hospital, only to find that ALL OF THE NURSES HAVE BEEN REPLACED BY ALIENS WHO WANT TO MURDALIZE HER.

Fortunately, Channing Tatum at this point swoops in on his anti-gravity roller skates to save the day! (This will be a recurring, hilarious, and beautiful theme.)

CHANNING TATUM: Come with me if you want to live!
SECRET SPACE PRINCESS JUPITER JONES: ...I'm not so sure about this...
CHANNING TATUM: What about if I take off my shirt?
SECRET SPACE PRINCESS JUPITER JONES: ....'kay. *___*
CHANNING TATUM: PS I am a half-wolf, half-man, who was abandoned by his pack for being half-albino....
(THE THEATER: what does half-albino even MEAN?
THE WACHOVSKIS: It means our thirteen-year-old niece thought this was SUPER AWESOME is what.)
HALF-WOLF, HALF-MAN, HALF-ALBINO CHANNING TATUM: ...and who is therefore forever and tragically ALONE. WITHOUT A PACK. WHICH I NEED, BECAUSE OF BEING HALF-WOLF.
SECRET SPACE PRINCESS JUPITER JONES: Sure. Cool. So about those abs....shit! The abs are bleeding! Thank goodness the car we have just stolen belongs to a woman!
THE THEATER: Because there's a sewing kit?
SECRET SPACE PRINCESS JUPITER JONES: No, because there are menstrual pads! QUICK, LET ME HOLD THE PAD LOVINGLY TO YOUR ABS!!
HALF-WOLF, HALF-MAN, HALF-ALBINO, FOREVER ALONE CHANNING TATUM: ....

Anyway, Half-Wolf, Half-Man, Half-Albino, Forever Alone Channing Tatum decides that the only safe place to bring Secret Space Princess Jupiter Jones is Sean Bean's House Of Bees. Sean Bean is half-bee in the same way that Channing Tatum is half-wolf (but not half-albino) and is also on Earth. Because reasons. Half-A-Bee Sean Bean and Half-Wolf, Half-Man, Half-Albino, Forever Alone Channing Tatum promptly start beating each other up, while Sean Bean's fanfiction-reading daughter makes suggestive comments. Meanwhile, Secret Space Princess Jupiter Jones is abruptly surrounded by bees! Hordes of bees! Magical dancing bees!

HALF-A-BEE SEAN BEAN: omg Jupiter Jones it turns out you are a SPACE PRINCESS!
NOT-SECRET-ANYMORE SPACE PRINCESS JUPITER JONES: what
HALF-A-BEE SEAN BEAN: Bees can recognize royalty. Also, they never tell lies. These are just facts everyone knows about bees.
SPACE PRINCESS JUPITER JONES: ...
HALF-A-BEE SEAN BEAN: Incidentally, has Half-Wolf, Half-Man, Half-Albino, Forever Alone Channing Tatum told you what got us both kicked out of the army and got our wings cut off?
SPACE PRINCESS JUPITER JONES: Wait, wings?
HALF-A-BEE SEAN BEAN: It's because he totally randomly killed some royalty for no reason! Dude just hates royalty I guess.
SPACE PRINCESS JUPITER JONES: Half-Wolf, Half-Man, Half-Abs -- uh, I mean, Half-Albino Channing Tatum, is this true?
HALF-WOLF, HALF-MAN, HALF-ALBINO, FOREVER ALONE CHANNING TATUM: Yep!
SPACE PRINCESS JUPITER JONES: Well, I guess you had your reasons!
HALF-WOLF, HALF-MAN, HALF-ALBINO, FOREVER ALONE CHANNING TATUM: ...actually no, I kind of didn't? I can't even remember why I killed that guy. Totally weird. Just a sudden savage anti-royalty attack! Your Highness!
SPACE PRINCESS JUPITER JONES: Huh, funny! You know, I also have sudden urges sometimes? Like, urges to hit on hot shirtless, angsty, potentially murderous men? For instance.
HALF-WOLF, HALF-MAN, HALF-ALBINO, FOREVER ALONE CHANNING TATUM: .....I should go.

But before they can explore this any further Space Princess Jupiter Jones gets kidnapped by bounty hunters, and delivered to the first stop on her tour of space royalty, Wrinkly Sis, with Half-Wolf, Half-Man, Half-Albino, Forever Alone Channing Tatum in hot pursuit on his roller skates.

WRINKLY SIS: So Jupiter Jones, you are probably wondering WHAT makes you a space princess, exactly, given that none of the rest of your wacky Russian family appear to be royalty.
SPACE PRINCESS JUPITER JONES: Yes I was wondering this!
WRINKLY SIS: Well, the thing is, by a billion-to-one chance, you are an exact genetic copy of my mother! Actually this kind of thing happens all the time. People put provisions in their wills for it. Anyway, I hope we can have a great relationship, New Mom.
SPACE PRINCESS JUPITER JONES: ... I don't know if I'm comfortable with this ...
WRINKLY SIS: Also let me demonstrate to you our miracle regeneration bathtubs which are totally not in any way powered by the lives of the innocent!
SPACE PRINCESS JUPITER JONES: ... I mean while I appreciate the demo I really wish you would put your clothes back on ... especially if you think I'm your mom reincarnated ...
NO-LONGER-WRINKLY SIS: Ha ha ha oh darling, if you think this is an awkward and potentially incestuous moment we're having, just WAIT until you meet my brothers. Now go put in your legal claim to Earth, which, for the record, you own, and have a nice day! :D

We pause here for a wacky comedy interlude while some Space Cops take Space Princess Jupiter Jones over to navigate the labyrinthine requirements of Space Bureaucracy to take legal ownership of Earth!

...and also for some more romance between Half-Wolf, Half-Man, Half-Albino, Forever Alone Channing Tatum and Space Princess Jupiter Jones, who is NOT GIVING UP on those abs.

SPACE PRINCESS JUPITER JONES: So about this compulsion you have to attack royalty...
HALF-WOLF, HALF-MAN, HALF-ALBINO, FOREVER ALONE CHANNING TATUM: ...yes...?
SPACE PRINCESS JUPITER JONES: Does it extend to wanting to attack my lips? Maybe ... with your lips? :D :D :D
HALF-WOLF, HALF-MAN, HALF-ALBINO, FOREVER ALONE CHANNING TATUM, IN THE BEST LINE FROM THE TRAILER: You don't understand! I have more in common with a DOG than I have with you!
SPACE PRINCESS JUPITER JONES, IN THE OTHER BEST LINE FROM THE TRAILER: I love dogs! I've always loved dogs! :D :D :D
HALF-WOLF, HALF-MAN, HALF-ALBINO, FOREVER ALONE CHANNING TATUM: Your Majesty ...
SPACE PRINCESS JUPITER JONES: You know, it feels weird when other people call me Your Majesty, but when you say it ... it seems really hot? It seems really hot.
(THE THEATER: Space Princess Jupiter Jones, we are all learning SO MUCH about you right now.)

...after which Space Princess Jupiter Jones is promptly kidnapped by her second stop on the space royalty tour, Gap Model Brother, assisted by a tip-off from Half-A-Bee Sean Bean.

GAP MODEL BRO: Hey, sexy, can I call you Mom?
SPACE PRINCESS JUPITER JONES: ... please don't.
(SEVERAL PEOPLE IN THE THEATER, AUDIBLY: Ewwwww!)
GAP MODEL BRO: In other news, I have a terrible secret to tell you! These miracle regeneration bathtubs ... are MADE OF PEOPLE!
SPACE PRINCESS JUPITER JONES: That's so terrible I'm almost distracted from how uncomfortable I am right now!
GAP MODEL BRO: Great! Well, I'm very concerned about the planets I own being turned into miracle generation bathtubs, so to make sure that doesn't happen, why don't we ... GET MARRIED?
(ONE PERSON IN THE THEATER, AUDIBLY: Dude, she's your mom!)

SPACE PRINCESS JUPITER JONES: Umm, so this plan makes me uncomfortable on a number of levels, but first off, what happened to my dog? I mean, my abs? I mean, my friend Channing Tatum?
GAP MODEL BRO: I have totally not just jettisoned him out an airlock, why do you ask? ANYWAY let's plan a fabulous wedding! :D :D :D

But fortunately, Half-Wolf, Half-Man, Half-Albino, Forever Alone Channing Tatum carries portable spacesuits with him at all times and therefore he is perfectly comfortable floating in space until the Space Cops come pick him up.

CHIEF AWESOME LADY SPACE COP: And here also is Half-A-Bee Sean Bean, that jerk.
HALF-A-BEE SEAN BEAN: I am very sorry I bee-trayed you. :(
HALF-WOLF, HALF-MAN, HALF-ALBINO, FOREVER ALONE CHANNING TATUM: How could you do it?!
HALF-A-BEE SEAN BEAN: You see I needed money for my daughter, who is very sick with bee flu.
HALF-WOLF, HALF-MAN, HALF-ALBINO, FOREVER ALONE CHANNING TATUM: Oh, well, man, I get that. We're cool.
CHIEF AWESOME LADY SPACE COP: ...seriously? That's it? You're cool with that?
HALF-WOLF, HALF-MAN, HALF-ALBINO, FOREVER ALONE CHANNING TATUM: Yes, everyone knows bees never lie. That's just a thing everyone knows about bees. Anyway, TO THE RESCUE!

And then Channing Tatum anti-gravity roller blades his way to rescue Jupiter from her terrible wedding to Gap Model Bro, which is taking place in a SPACE MANSION covered in GIANT GOLDEN STATUES OF SPACE GODS, and everything is sparkles and light and space battle wedding amazingness.

MEANWHILE, back on Earth, Space Princess Jupiter Jones' relatives are all VERY DISAPPOINTED in her wacky cousin for trying to convince her to sell her eggs and then (presumably) leading her to run away.

SPACE PRINCESS JUPITER JONES' WACKY RUSSIAN UNCLE, IN A DIRECT QUOTE: You don't treat your cousin like a chicken!!!

However this amazing piece of family drama is interrupted by the minions of Evil Space Prince Eddie Redmayne, who proceed to kidnap every single one of Space Princess Jupiter Jones' decidedly non-space-royal relatives and carry them away.

EVIL SPACE PRINCE EDDIE REDMAYNE: All you have to do is walk into my lair, sign over your deed to Earth, and let me chew some scenery, and then I will totally let you and your family go!
SPACE PRINCESS JUPITER JONES: Somehow this seems less than plausible ... also, hey, what about those plans to turn all the people on my planet into miracle regeneration bathtubs?
EVIL SPACE PRINCE EDDIE REDMAYNE: Oh, Mom, why you always gotta be so difficult? So beautiful ... and so difficult .... I love you, and I hate you ...
SPACE PRINCESS JUPITER JONES: WHAT IS WITH ALL THESE PEOPLE AND THEIR MOTHER ISSUES????

This is now all taking place in Evil Space Prince Eddie Redmayne's volcanic space lair, by the way, above which Half-A-Bee Sean Bean, Chief Awesome Lady Space Cop, and Half-Wolf, Half-Man, Half-Albino, Forever Alone Channing Tatum are all sitting around twiddling their thumbs.

HALF-A-BEE SEAN BEAN: So this is about the point in the movie where I'd usually go down to the volcanic planet and die.
HALF-WOLF, HALF-MAN, HALF-ALBINO, FOREVER ALONE CHANNING TATUM: Yes, that is true.
HALF-A-BEE SEAN BEAN: HOWEVER, Half-Wolf, Half-Man, Half-Albino, Forever Alone Channing Tatum, let me tell you something: you have imprinted on that girl. She is your PACK. She's what you've been LOOKING FOR ALL THESE YEARS. The heart is a LONELY HUNTER and you have HONED IN.
HALF-WOLF, HALF-MAN, HALF-ALBINO, FOREVER ALONE CHANNING TATUM: ...so what you're saying is...?
HALF-A-BEE SEAN BEAN: It is YOUR turn to go down to the volcanic planet and risk dying tragically in an explosion, buddy. Not me. Not Half-A-Bee Sean Bean. NOT THIS DAY. I'M GONNA LIVE.
CHIEF AWESOME LADY SPACE COP: Word to that.

So once more, Half-Wolf, Half-Man, Half-Albino, Forever Alone Channing Tatum dons his anti-gravity roller skates and zooms in to the rescue! Just as Space Princess Jupiter Jones has triumphantly refused to sign away her title to Earth! And then everyone flails around the collapsing planet for a while, and Evil Space Prince Eddie Redmayne and Space Princess Jupiter Jones whack at each other with pipes while Evil Space Prince Eddie Redmayne chews on every single piece of falling scenery and overshares about his feelings about his mother --

SPACE PRINCESS JUPITER JONES, THE MOST FRUSTRATED SHE HAS EVER BEEN: I am not your damn mother!

-- and then they almost die but they totally don't! And Half-A-Bee Sean Bean doesn't die either! And Jupiter Jones still owns Earth and is still a space princess!

...but is also still a janitor? Because now that she's had a taste of the wacky space world out there with all its evil turning-planets-into-regeneration-bathtub ways, she'd rather just clean the toilets, thanks. THAT'S FINE. EVERYTHING IS FINE.

And everything is especially fine because Half-Wolf, Half-Man, Half-Albino but no longer forever alone Channing Tatum has come to take her on a hot rooftop date and NOW HE HAS GIANT BLACK WINGS, and he calls her 'Your Majesty' and then GIVES HER HIS ANTI-GRAVITY ROLLER SKATES and they frolic together through the air of New York (eta: or rather, Chicago!) and NONE OF US CAN BREATHE FOR LAUGHING BECAUSE HALF-WOLF, HALF-MAN, HALF-ALBINO CHANNING TATUM HAS LITERAL WINGS NOW, HE HAS LITERAL WINGS.

This movie has maybe given me more joy than anything else this year so far. I am desperately hoping for a sequel in which:

- Space Princess Jupiter Jones leads a space revolution
- all of her wacky Russian relatives move into a space palace, I don't care which space palace, ANY SPACE PALACE IS FINE
- Sean Bean also has wings now, except they are BEE-AUTIFUL BUZZY BEE WINGS

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

HALF-A-BEE SEAN BEAN: I am very sorry I bee-trayed you. :(

thank you

my favorite thing about the pipe-whacking scene is how, in a movie full of half-albino half-dog half-ninja-turtle half-dragons, our filmmakers decided that the climactic final battle properly belonged--to "the janitor" and "the whispering noodle"

I mean I buy that scrubbing toilets and giving sincere, non-pushy, well-thought-out romantic advice to wealthy ditzes could build muscles. But the noodle thing is... really beyond repair.

YES. Although, I mean, to be fair to half-albino half-wolf half-elephant half-walking fanfic Channing Tatum, he's got one move and that move is 'ROLLER SKATE TO FREEDOM.' It's a great move. I applaud it. But there's only so far it goes.

In other news, what I want more than anything else in the world right now is for the Oscars to show a clip of Eddie Redmayne, Whispering Pipe-Wielding Noodle, when he's announced for his award. Universe, if I get this one thing, I will never ask for anything again.

OKAY. OKAY. THIS IS SO BEAUTIFUL. THIS IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL REVIEW I HAVE SEEN OF THIS MOVIE, AND I HAVE SEEN QUITE A FEW OF BEAUTIFUL REVIEWS OF JUPITER ASCENDING.

also you just confirmed for me that some (MOST) of plot lines were actually left lazily dangling or unexplained, which, thank god, I thought it was partways a failure on... my part...

Anyway I had so, so much fun describing this movie to my friends who hadn't seen it when I got back from the theater.

YOU SHOULD LINK ME TO THE OTHER BEAUTIFUL REVIEWS :D :D :D I haven't read any yet, I was trying not to be spoiled! (I was a little bit spoiled.) (I knew Sean Bean was a bee.)

Also, man, I am not sure there was a single plotline that wasn't left dangling or unexplained. Maybe the egg-selling thing? I guess that was pretty well wrapped up. Don't tell your cousin to sell her eggs! A valuable moral for us all.

this lady's Jupiter Ascending tag is a THING OF BEAUTY. There are several reviews there, ALL OF WHICH ARE GLORIOUS.

:D

I need to see this movie SO. BADLY.

I JUST READ THROUGH THE ENTIRE THING AND IT MADE ME SO HAPPY

(Ashie you're going to love it so MUCH)

ISN'T IT GREAT. I adore everything this movie and the resulting fandom chooses to be. It's trash, BUT IT'S TRASH FOR OUR INNER 12YO GIRLS.

Best.

(Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I've been wanting to see this movie since the first trailer came out: everything since then just moves it higher and higher on my list. Just a question of when I get to the cinema, BUT I NEED IT.)

IT IS EVERYTHING MY INNER TWELVE-YEAR-OLD COULD HAVE EVER ASKED FOR AND SOME THINGS SHE DIDN'T EVEN KNOW SHE WANTED. How could any of us know that we needed Sean Bean to live in a house of bees? NOBODY KNEW. And yet this movie provided.

(I feel you, man, last week when I was at a professional conference while all the first reviews and screencaps etc. were coming out was EXTREMELY DIFFICULT for me.)

BEES. SPACE BEES. I'm trying to find the Mary Sue review for you, because it was equally hilarious (although I went 'siiiigh' at the complaining that Jupiter didn't fight enough) and over in their comment section, they've taken to telling people to just 'go and see the space bees' which is now their term for this movie.

BEES.

(Oh gosh, yeah. It didn't come out here until...today, but then I had stay in the house for repair guys? UGH. And now I'm sadly looking at my wallet. BUT SPACE BEES.)

Jupiter Ascending Is The Worst Movie Ever Go See It Immediately

This review is great but I feel like they, like, 75% committed to taking this movie exactly as it should be taken and then bailed out towards the end and tried to do a critique, and, man, no. You do not critique Jupiter Ascending! You simply accept that it is, and allow it to carry you away. On flying anti-gravity roller skates.

Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeah. Just. It's id!fic, guys. Stop. Stooooop. Embrace it.

(Currently, I'm hoping to see it next week when I HOPEFULLY have a bit more money, fingers-crossed)

(FINGERS CROSSED! I will look forward to hearing your reactions >:D >:D >:D)

okay omg here is a fav

http://sashayed.tumblr.com/post/110444647320/heres-the-thing-about-jupiter-ascending

the last bit of this one is priceless:
http://www.theguardian.com/film/2015/feb/08/jupiter-ascending-wachowski-observer-film-review

not a review but a hilar and accurate fake-caption thing

http://pizzarina-sbarro.tumblr.com/post/110926705215/every-description-for-jupiter-ascending-reads-like

http://elucipher.tumblr.com/post/110472397779/jupiter-ascending-if-cinderella-star-wars-the

AHEM. I'M SORRY. IT's just that the collective power of Bloggers' Laughter made me watch this movie, and I appreciate it so much. There is just so much loving mockery! It's great!

Oh thank you! I LOVE the squeeing reviews of this movie.

I LOVE ALL OF THESE SO MUCH OMG AND THEY ARE ALL SO. TRUE. there is one shirt for all the male characters and Sean Bean is the only one wearing it. Eddie Redmayne is being fellated by the universe. I too would gladly burn Citizen Kane to the ground for Jupiter Ascending, like, it's not even a question, I'd do it IN A HEARTBEAT.

I feel like I may be in physical danger from overdosing on delight in this movie, amplified by feedback from the delight of the rest of the blogging world.

bee-trayed

There were like five more bee puns that I almost put in and I expect copious praise for my restraint.

Restraint gives me hives.

Oh, honey.

...+10 points for strategic Bee-dam implementation.

....but you will not get it from me! I love the bee puns!

You've got me putting bee puns in my texts to

rushthatspeaks now. I hope you're happy.

Yes, in fact. Yes I am.

YOU GET NO PRAISE FOR SHOWING RESTRAINT IN ANYTHING THAT IS ABOUT JUPITER ASCENDING. The central charm of the film is that it HAS NO RESTRAINT ABOUT ANYTHING AT ALL EVER. Why would you show restraint? NO RESTRAINT.

(Also! I just realized that you have a gazillion usernames and all the people are you!)

OK OK I've learned my lesson! NO RESTRAINT EVER AGAIN. TERRIBLE PUNS FOR EVERYONE.

(I only have three! bookelfe, ryfkah and skygiants; bookelfe is, uh, left over from when I was thirteen, but I use it when I can't get either of the others. I would be ryfkah everywhere except it's always taken. :( )

YAY! ALL THE NO-RESTRAINT EVERYTHING FOR JUPITER ASCENDING ALWAYS!

(Sanguinity is right on the edge of taken-ness; about half of the time I can get it, about half of the time I can't. I was just happy to realize these other usernames were also you, because that makes the whole "is this someone I would enjoy? should I approach with caution y/n?" question MUCH SIMPLER to evaluate!)

That was also my favourite line and made me laugh almost as much as the movie did. <3

I cursed myself with it, though; I've had "Eric the Half-A-Bee" stuck in my head all day!

Seeing this movie is on my list for this week. I need this whatever it is in my life.

YOU DO. EVERYONE DOES. We are talking about going to go see it again, in 3-D, with more booze. It's that kind of magic.

BEES. THEY HAD BEES.

Now see, this movie has broken my brain and I haven't even seen it yet...

...because I will forever associate the name "Jupiter Jones" with the literary character from the Three Investigators mystery series created by Robert Arthur and originally framed by Alfred Hitchcock. Who is clearly not, never has been, and never will be a Space Princess.

[I wonder if there's a trademark infringement case in there somewhere....]

I am sorry, Investigator of the Three Investigators, but I fear you have been DISPLACED by the collective id power of three million teenage girls.

This is not helping. :-)

Now you've made me imagine someone (not me, certainly, but someone) writing the fanfic in which the two Jupiter Joneses meet and the multiverse must be prevented from exploding from sheer wackiness. The meeting would have to have been set up by, oh, probably a certain mad mouse scientist ("Are you pondering what I'm pondering?" "I don't think so, Brain, but maybe if you explain the Blinovitch Limitation Effect again....").

...I don't know though now I really want to know what would happen if Jupiter Jones from the Three Investigators was a space princess. It's not like he was completely lacking the Things Important To A 12-Year-Old's-Fanfic.

Edited 2015-02-19 16:19 (UTC)

I am absolutely convinced-- and there is no point in trying to tell me otherwise-- that at some point in this movie there was a story conference that went approximately as follows:

PERSON WITH A GREAT DEAL OF MONEY: But what about it having, y'know, appeal to the intellectual side of things?

A WACHOWSKI SIBLING: Okay, so the film is called Jupiter Ascending, right?

PWAGDOM: So you said.

PICK A WACHOWSKI: But-- this is the cool part-- basically EVERY SINGLE ACTION SEQUENCE will feature her FALLING OFF THINGS! Until the VERY LAST ONE when she will CLIMB A LOT OF LADDERS and then get in a spaceship which will GO UPWARDS! :D :D :D ?

PWAGDOM: My God! It's not just symbolism, it's-- it's-- DRAMATIC IRONY! *writes large check, weeping with joy*

THE SAME OR POSSIBLY A DIFFERENT WACHOWSKI: IKNOWRITE?!! :D

This story conference happened. I would bet money on it.

Oh, and the third dude's People Refinery is literally inside the Great Red Spot on Jupiter. It took me a while to pick up on that, but it is. So Jupiter ASCENDS WHILE ON JUPITER tip your waitress the literary analysts will be here all week.

I insist on a sequel SPACE REVOLUTION WITH SEAN BEAN WINGS.

I mean, this was a movie in which Half-Wolf, Half-Man, Half-Albino, Just Enough Dude Channing Tatum had to stack a pile of suspended-animation little old Russian ladies wearing purple leopard camo hot pants into a transporter thingie in the middle of an exploding-and-on-fire refinery right out of Star Wars. I did not know I wanted to pay money to see that! But here we are!

The sequel gets MANY, MANY BONUS POINTS if she puts her Werewolf Space Marine on a leash and confirms what we are all thinking.

this was a movie in which Half-Wolf, Half-Man, Half-Albino, Just Enough Dude Channing Tatum had to stack a pile of suspended-animation little old Russian ladies wearing purple leopard camo hot pants into a transporter thingie in the middle of an exploding-and-on-fire refinery right out of Star Wars. I did not know I wanted to pay money to see that! But here we are!

....okay I'm going to see this twice

skygiants and I and some of our friends watched this, and once the lights came back up -- before we were out of the theater, before we were even out of our seats -- we all turned to each other and more or less collectively said "So we're gonna see this again, right? Maybe even in 3-D. OH MAN YES IN 3-D. WHY THE HELL NOT. 3-D WITH BOOZE AND POPCORN. HOW DOES THIS WEEKEND SOUND. OH MY GOD SPACE BEES."

I almost NEVER see movies in theatres, because of claustrophobia and panic disorder, but I AM GOING TO GO TO AN AFTERNOON MATINEE OF THIS MOVIE FUCK YEAH. (It makes me feel badly for the Wachowskis, but....I will have a lot easier time of it if the theatre isn't packed.)

Our theater was decidedly not packed. :-/ It was also a Wednesday night in a snowbound city, at a theater that was also having a sold-out concert, so I don't know how true that generally is, but yeah, plenty of free seats. On the bright side, as far as I could tell everyone there was there for the same reason: to burst into mostly-suppressed laughter at every plot point, and at the end to go OMG THERE BETTER BE TONS OF YULETIDE FIC.

I am going to see it for the thirteen-year-old girl in me who adored Menolly and Arha and Alyx, because PRINCESS JUPITER. The only thing that would make it better for me would be a Tilda Swinton cameo. ~~dressed as a queen bee~~

This is the absolute best reason to go and the best frame of mind in which to see this glory. The thirteen-year-old girl in me who adored Menolly and Arha and Alyx and also Alanna and every single Valdemar book and Samantha the ice dancer and so forth had a BLAST.

Oh god, the thirteen-year-old girl inside me has NOT SHUT UP since last night. She's too busy doing cartwheels! I couldn't even do cartwheels when I was thirteen!

(For the record, Gen is not lying about the rest of the theater being there for the Yuletide fic. I said something about the fifty thousand word Yuletide fic I wanted as we were walking out, and a girl across the theater shot up and shouted "YULETIDE YES!")

That is the most delightful thing!

I said something about the fifty thousand word Yuletide fic I wanted as we were walking out, and a girl across the theater shot up and shouted "YULETIDE YES!"

THAT IS AWESOME. Also is that a Middleman icon? I just got that on DVD!

I was going to comment that the only thing

skygiants review left out was that the volcano refinery is literally on Jupiter's Great Red Spot, LITERALLY. LITERALLY.

And it's kind of... basically omitted? Like, they don't make sure you notice, or anything, they just kind of zoom out at one point, and you're like "...that swirly blob looks familiar."

I totally didn't notice AT ALL. I can't believe I didn't notice!! The part when Russian Jarvis was like "you know what's the best planet? JUPITER. Jupiter rules, other planets drool!" was ACTUALLY THEMATICALLY RELEVANT AFTER ALL.

This is a bet I would not take, because that story conference ABSOLUTELY happened.

(And then they had the story conference with their thirteen-year-old niece, who nodded sagely and said, "Yes, you know what would make that even more thematic? IF JUST ENOUGH DUDE CHANNING TATUM HAD WINGS AT THE END." (I also can't believe I forgot to make a Just Enough Dude joke.))

If I had forty million dollars, I would call up the Wachowskis right now and pledge it all to the creation of the sequel. I want to make watching this movie an annual celebration of some kind. I don't know of what and I don't care. Maybe Chanukah? THEY EAT LATKES, IT CAN BE A CHANUKAH MOVIE.

CHANNING TATUM: PS I am a half-wolf, half-man, who was abandoned by his pack for being half-albino....
(THE THEATER: what does half-albino even MEAN?
THE WACHOVSKIS: It means our thirteen-year-old niece thought this was SUPER AWESOME is what.)

I AM GOING TO SEE THIS IN THE THEATRE.

SEEING IT IN THE THEATER WAS THE BEST LIFE CHOICE I'VE MADE THIS YEAR

I LOVE EVERYTHING AND EVERYTHING IS BEAUTIFUL

Also for the record Evil Space Prince Eddie Redmayne's refinery was not on a volcanic planet. I am like 99% sure that it was, literally, on Jupiter. In the middle of the Great Red Spot, as far as I can tell, or possibly underneath it. That was never said onscreen or anything, but that is Jupiter with its Great Red Spot that Channing Tatum did an angsty self-sacrificing space-rollerblading swan dive into.

I was confused by the logistics of how she stuck the pad on him, also. I appreciated the moment enormously, but the sticky side... has plastic on it, Jupiter...

Also also I love how much of this review reads as, like, wacky lulzy parody that picks out and exaggerates the silly bits, and NO. NO ALL OF THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED, SOME OF IT VERBATIM. I'm still full of hilarity. This movie is beautiful. I'm pretty sure they literally let a twelve-year-old who goes by Raevynn Skyfyre on ff.net write the basic plot, and very seriously Axe Copped it up. Everything is beautiful and full of Swarovski crystals.

Yeah, I think it was supposed to be the Red Spot on Jupiter as well!

I LOVED IT SO. My stomach is sore from laughing this morning. I pre-ordered the blu-ray. TAKE MY MONEY, YOU BEAUTIFUL LOLOLOLOL FIC IN MOVIE FORM!!!

I was trying to be a well behaved movie goer last night, BUT IT COULD NOT BE CONTAINED.

"BUT THAT'S YOUR MOM!!!!!"

"Noooooooo, don't make out with that."

"THAT IS NOT HOW THE VACUUM OF SPACE WORKS!!!"

"OMG, HE LIVED?!?!?!"

THE PEOPLE WHO SHOUTED "EW, THAT"S YOUR MOM" THE OST LOUDLY were NOT US. I don't think they were the fandom people in the back, either. But whoever they were, I LOVE THEM.

I LOVED IT SO. My stomach is sore from laughing this morning. I pre-ordered the blu-ray. TAKE MY MONEY, YOU BEAUTIFUL LOLOLOLOL FIC IN MOVIE FORM!!!

THIS IS ME. I RAN IN THE DOOR FROM SEEING IT JUST NOW AND PREORDERED IT.

The film wasn't even half-over when I was considering buying a blu-ray player SO THAT I could pre-order the film on blu-ray.

Personally I love how your comment goes from the Red Spot of Jupiter to the red spot of blood on the pad. This movie is not only 100% intellectual, it is inspiring literary devices all over the internets.

(Pretty sure she just held the pad there the whole time he was driving.)

(Possibly this was a premeditated stratagem on Jupiter's part. "GUESS I'M JUST GOING TO HAVE TO LOVINGLY CARESS THIS MENSTRUAL PAD TO YOUR BLOODY ABS. NO WAY AROUND IT." Girl, you have the opposite of game.)

(I am 100% sure it was a premeditated stratagem. Jupiter clearly has her plans laid out from her first glimpse of Channing Tatum, Lonely Half-Albino Space Wolf. This is her twelve-year-old fantasy come to life and she's not letting him get away.)

You could totally write an essay on the complex and deeply thematic reproductive imagery in the film! Jupiter's mom giving birth, the egg-harvesting, the menstrual pad ... IT'S THE CIRCLE OF LIFE.

Kate Elliott, in fact, kind of did so.

I TOTALLY FAILED TO CATCH THAT IT WAS LITERALLY JUPITER AND I'M SO MAD AT MYSELF. How could I fail the genius of this movie in this way?

OMG Becca what other planets have a GIANT RED THUNDER EYE?!

WACKY SPACE PLANETS, I don't know!

I WANT SEAN BEEEAN'S WINGS. ALL THE FIC, STAT.

They are clearly bee wings!

I don't Game of Thrones but I kind of want to rewatch an episode of season one just on account of the fact that right now I can't see his face without automatically putting it on top of the Honey Nut Cheerios bee mascot.

ANGRY SPACE MARINE BEE, BUZZING BRUSQUELY THROUGH THE SKY. I want a Saturday morning cartoon just about his adventures!

I am mostly worried about whether Beeean sex in the movie is like real-life bee sex, which is terrifying.

I am 100% sure fanfic has already answered that question for you, in various permutations and combinations. :D?

Probably even more permutations than I even WANT to think about....

We pause here for a wacky comedy interlude while some Space Cops take Space Princess Jupiter Jones over to navigate the labyrinthine requirements of Space Bureaucracy to take legal ownership of Earth!

Featuring Terry Gilliam, master of comical bureaucracy with sinister undertones, as the Seals and Signets guy who provides the sinister undertones to the comical bureaucracy section.

I TOTALLY didn't catch that was him until

littledust pointed it out afterwards, but ... of course. Of course.

(Also, Android Bob was incredibly familiar to me and I couldn't figure out why, until I realized I last saw him playing Viola in an extremely high-profile all-male Twelfth Night.)

THAT WAS THAT GUY? OMG OF COURSE IT WAS THAT GUY I SAW THAT PRODUCTION HFZZGHOIJFGIOHSLKJ SPLZ.

That makes it even better because now I know that Android Bob and his IDENTICAL TWIN sibling whom he glared at going by in the one department are HAVING THE PLOT OF TWELFTH NIGHT when they don't have to deal with these annoying Entitled who keep wanting permits, JEEZ.

....OH MY GOD. THEY ARE. THEY ARE.

Oh my god what a fantastic insight. YES. YES THEY ARE AND MUST BE.

I present: this 8tracks playlist.

I... am going to be in this fandom for the foreseeable and lulzy future.

omg, Kelsey, I listened to the whole thing this afternoon at work and now I'm listening again. IT'S PERFECTION *___*

Perfect Walter is perfect.

The best part of renewing my paid account here was ALWAYS HAVING AN APPROPRIATE ICON!

THAT IS AMAZING

HALF-A-BEE SEAN BEAN: I am very sorry I bee-trayed you. :(

This made me laugh way harder than was appropriate for the very quiet library in which I read this post.

IT'S OK THOUGH, CHANNING TATUM BEE-LIEVES IN HIM.

I really, really enjoyed this dumb movie. *_________* SEQUEL WITH SPACE REVOLUTION, YES PLEASE. (The friend I went to see it with was very let down by the ending, but I thought it was pretty obvious Jupiter was eventually going to go back into space and do something about the Regenex - just, you know, after she'd had time to learn more about how the hell everything worked and could actually make a workable plan instead of having to crawl around refineries with pipes or almost marrying her not-son...)

Right! RESEARCH IS REQUIRED before they can all jump into the squel. Research and training time, although admittedly she is probably going to need to work on her schedule some to fit that in around the full days of cleaning and nights of flying gleefully around the city with her WINGED WEREWOLF BOYFRIEND.

IT IS TAKING ALL OF MY SELF-CONTROL NOT TO READ THIS

I HAVE NEVER WANTED TO SEE ANYTHING MORE IN MY LIFE

I CAN'T WAIT FOR YOU TO SEE IT, PLEASE TEXT ME IMMEDIATELY AS SOON AS YOU DO

This is a really glorious review (I totally missed Sean Bean being a bee--) but one slight correction-- the Earth city scenes were in Chicago, not NYC!

(I can't help it, I'm from the area and that was one of the things that made me stupidly excited orz)

(Also I've been lurking here forever, hello!)

Oh man, good call, I was wondering! I didn't recognize anything in the city scenes, but since they never said (and ... I'm a self-centered New Yorker at heart) I always default to the assumption of New York.

(I know how you feel though, under the layer of self-centered New Yorkness I'm actually a Philadelphian and I would be over the MOON if it was set in Philadelphia.)

(Also, hi and welcome! :D)

I'm sorry to be commentstalking this post but 1) MORE MOVIE TALK = MORE FUN TALK, and 2) they definitely said Chicago, though I can't remember if it was in dialogue or on the screen. OR MAYBE THEY WERE ON JUPITER THE WHOLE TIME!!!

It was both -- they definitely said it in dialogue at least once (pretty sure Jupiter said something about YOU CAN'T JUST DESTROY HALF OF CHICAGO AND HAVE NO ONE NOTICE), and also at the end of the fight, after their scenic tour of destroying what I assume was every major landmark they could find, they crash-roller-skate-landed in front of the Hyatt Regency(?) Chicago.

Hahaha I mean I really doubt any of it was actually filmed in Chicago proper. Watching that chase scene was really fun as a result though, I kept looking for my favorite buildings (and ... not finding them, boooo...)

It's also the only reason I have any desire to play WatchDogs despite not having the system. Things explicitly set in Chicago!!1! I'm lame.

Oh my gosh, I already wanted to see this movie so badly, but now I want to see it EVEN MORE.

Your recaps are always the best.

PLEASE GO SEE IT. I could only capture the smallest fraction of the beauty of this film. Some roller skates have to be seen to be believed.

OMG this is hilarious! Thank you so much fro sharing!

Haha, thank you! I LOVE THIS MOVIE.

Okay, so someone needs to vid this to TMBG's "Call You Mom", right?

Oh my god. YES. IMMEDIATELY.

I just saw Jupiter Ascending last night and omg I can't believe that this is a genuine accurate non-exaggerated summary of what happens. WHAT A GREAT MOVIE.

I don't know why everyone is always surprised that my summary is accurate! I am but an honest reporter of the truth. :O

(This movie is so gold. SO GOLD.)

HAVE YOU SEEN PICTURES OF THE SEAN BEAN WINGS?

Because I have not, and I really, really want to.

I HAVE NOT but I desperately, desperately hope there are photomanips or fanart or SOMETHING. There must be, right? Right??

Tumblr has not been forthcoming, but I hold out hope!

Becca, I can't believe you made it through that entire recap without once seizing the chance to write the words SEAN BEE-N, I am so disappointed in you.

I JUST SAW IT TODAY and I agree with ALL OF THE ABOVE especially the need for a sequel wherein Jupiter leads a space revolution against her creepy not!children and her wacky family gets to live in a space palace. We've decided that the way she slowly works her way out from janitorhood is by pretending Werewolf Space Marine Channing Tatum is like, a billionaire, and she puts on a whole big Pretty Woman/Fifty Shades of Obedience Kink act for her family's sake and wow look suddenly she has all this money! let's all stop cleaning toilets!

also I would like an entire TV show about the SPACE COPS (the Aegis? whatever) because they were my favourite

I'D ALREADY SEEN THAT JOKE AND DIDN'T WANT TO STEAL IT, is why. The problem with not having seen this movie until two weeks after it came out is I had to work harder for my bee puns!

hahahahahaha omg. I mean. I'd read that fic. I WOULD ALSO WATCH THAT SHOW. Captain Tsing fights space crime! With her bee-man at her side! And her ... robot lady whatever those people with metal faces were on her other side! Like Star Trek, but EVEN SPARKLIER.

HAHAHA YOU HAVE WRITTEN THE BEST OF ALL REVIEWS! :D

I am very sorry I bee-trayed you. :(

I cannot tell you how happy this pun made me.

Ha ha ha oh darling, if you think this is an awkward and potentially incestuous moment we're having, just WAIT until you meet my brothers.

That's it, that's the film.

hahaha man I dunno, I think your description of Eddie Redmayne's artful scenery nomming is better and funnier than anything I wrote here!

I like to imagine Kalique Abrasax spending the rest of the movie leaning back and in her people bath and judging how tackily her brothers are tackling their Oedipus complexes, like, "come on, guys, I kept it classy, a little skin here, a little caress there...if she'd stayed with me it would've been a freaking French art film."

How did I miss this I love you

I'm so happy you too have experienced this treasure of a film

OMG I SAW IT

IT WAS AMAZING

I held off reading this until I could see it, and so I knew nothing besides IT IS EVERYTHING YOU HEARD ALL OF IT EVERYTHING IS TRUE. Where "everything" was always behind a spoiler-cut, but sometimes there was talk of bees and space princesses and perhaps space-unicorns? It was all incoherent but also ENTHUSIASTIC.

BUT NOW I HAVE COME BACK AND IT WAS AMAZING ALL OF IT AND NOW I GET TO READ ALL THE THINGS AND MAYBE I WILL SEE IT AGAIN ALL THE THINGS WHY DON'T I HAVE TURBO-BOOST ON MY CAPSLOCK OMG ALL THE THINGS

oh man, I HAVE ALREADY SEEN IT TWICE, I would have seen it again today except I had a Skype meeting instead, and, man, in the week and a half since my first viewing my love for this movie has only grown. Unlike many things, it gets MORE GLORIOUS the more you look at it!

If it had been just me and not a group of four, I would have done one of the cineplex-gambits and stayed to see it ALL OVER AGAIN except without the worry that I was going to be totally lost for not being able to grasp the plot points as they went by. (DO NOT WORRY ABOUT THE PLOT POINTS. THEY ARE JUST THERE FOR THE FIC-WRITERS TO USE WHEN THEY/WE FINALLY HAVE TO GO HOME AGAIN.) And then I was all "But will it be as awesome the second time around?" BUT HELL YES IT WILL BE AS AWESOME.

There was one guy in our group, and coming out of the theater, you could tell that the FANTASY ROYAL PRINCESS DIANA SPACE WEDDING had freaked him the hell out. He had never been asked to pretend that he was a space princess having a fantasy royal space-wedding! It was weird and uncomfortable for him! He did not know what to do with it! AND I JUST LAUGHED AND LAUGHED. If I have to put up with gold bikinis in my sci-fi, he can damn well rise to the occasion and put up with FANTASY SPACE ROYAL WEDDING DRESS for once!

My biggest struggle is how do you go AU from here? All the AUs are already built in! WEREWOLF WINGFIC WITH ELF EARS I JUST.

...undercover married at a gay bar? I guess that is still in play?

MY BRAIN IS EXHAUSTED FROM ALL THE CHEMICALS. MY BRAIN AND MY FACE AND MY ABS.

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