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[skygiants]

THE JUPITER ASCENDING EXPERIENCE WAS EVERYTHING I WANTED IT TO BE.

If you have an inner fourteen-year-old, and your inner fourteen-year-old loves SPACE and PRINCESSES and ANGSTY HALF-ALBINO HALF-WOLVES WITHOUT SHIRTS WHO ZOOM AROUND ON SPACE ROLLERSKATES and BEES, then run, do not walk, to the theater right now. Do not pass go! Do not read this long and spoilery recap!

So the movie begins with Jarvis from Peggy Carter and Mrs. S. from Orphan Black as cute Russians in love, but alas! Jarvis is killed tragically by something totally irrelevant to the plot, and somehow this results in pregnant Mrs. S. having to immigrate to New York with all of her wacky Russian relatives and work as a cleaning lady with her daughter, Mila Kunis, aka JUPITER JONES, SECRET SPACE PRINCESS.

MEANWHILE, in a galaxy far, far away, evil space prince Eddie Redmayne and his space siblings, Wrinkly Sis and Gap Model Bro, happen to bump into each other on a planet they've just murdered and exchange pleasantries to let us know that they're all evil.

MEANWHILE MEANWHILE, Channing Tatum is zooming around on anti-gravity roller skates, pursued by bounty hunters, in search of ... something. Could it be ... secret space princess Jupiter Jones? POSSIBLY.

However Secret Space Princess Jupiter Jones does not know this as of yet because she's busy being impoverished and waking up at 5 AM to clean toilets, and deciding whether to go along with her wacky Russian cousin's advice and sell her eggs.

WACKY RUSSIAN COUSIN VLADIE: I swear, if you sell your eggs, I will buy something life-changing with this money!
SECRET SPACE PRINCESS JUPITER JONES: ...like what?
WACKY RUSSIAN COUSIN VLADIE: idk, a Playstation?
SECRET SPACE PRINCESS JUPITER JONES: Can I save five thousand dollars to buy the world's most expensive symbolic telescope?
WACKY RUSSIAN COUSIN VLADIE: Sure, why not. Anyway, enjoy your latke dinner.
SECRET SPACE PRINCESS JUPITER JONES: Oh, is that why we had to flee Russia? Because we're Jewish?
WACKY RUSSIAN COUSIN VLADIE: How the hell should I know? What do I look like, the department of backstory?

So Secret Space Princess Jupiter Jones trots into the local hospital, only to find that ALL OF THE NURSES HAVE BEEN REPLACED BY ALIENS WHO WANT TO MURDALIZE HER.

Fortunately, Channing Tatum at this point swoops in on his anti-gravity roller skates to save the day! (This will be a recurring, hilarious, and beautiful theme.)

CHANNING TATUM: Come with me if you want to live!
SECRET SPACE PRINCESS JUPITER JONES: ...I'm not so sure about this...
CHANNING TATUM: What about if I take off my shirt?
SECRET SPACE PRINCESS JUPITER JONES: ....'kay. *___*
CHANNING TATUM: PS I am a half-wolf, half-man, who was abandoned by his pack for being half-albino....
(THE THEATER: what does half-albino even MEAN?
THE WACHOVSKIS: It means our thirteen-year-old niece thought this was SUPER AWESOME is what.)
HALF-WOLF, HALF-MAN, HALF-ALBINO CHANNING TATUM: ...and who is therefore forever and tragically ALONE. WITHOUT A PACK. WHICH I NEED, BECAUSE OF BEING HALF-WOLF.
SECRET SPACE PRINCESS JUPITER JONES: Sure. Cool. So about those abs....shit! The abs are bleeding! Thank goodness the car we have just stolen belongs to a woman!
THE THEATER: Because there's a sewing kit?
SECRET SPACE PRINCESS JUPITER JONES: No, because there are menstrual pads! QUICK, LET ME HOLD THE PAD LOVINGLY TO YOUR ABS!!
HALF-WOLF, HALF-MAN, HALF-ALBINO, FOREVER ALONE CHANNING TATUM: ....

Anyway, Half-Wolf, Half-Man, Half-Albino, Forever Alone Channing Tatum decides that the only safe place to bring Secret Space Princess Jupiter Jones is Sean Bean's House Of Bees. Sean Bean is half-bee in the same way that Channing Tatum is half-wolf (but not half-albino) and is also on Earth. Because reasons. Half-A-Bee Sean Bean and Half-Wolf, Half-Man, Half-Albino, Forever Alone Channing Tatum promptly start beating each other up, while Sean Bean's fanfiction-reading daughter makes suggestive comments. Meanwhile, Secret Space Princess Jupiter Jones is abruptly surrounded by bees! Hordes of bees! Magical dancing bees!

HALF-A-BEE SEAN BEAN: omg Jupiter Jones it turns out you are a SPACE PRINCESS!
NOT-SECRET-ANYMORE SPACE PRINCESS JUPITER JONES: what
HALF-A-BEE SEAN BEAN: Bees can recognize royalty. Also, they never tell lies. These are just facts everyone knows about bees.
SPACE PRINCESS JUPITER JONES: ...
HALF-A-BEE SEAN BEAN: Incidentally, has Half-Wolf, Half-Man, Half-Albino, Forever Alone Channing Tatum told you what got us both kicked out of the army and got our wings cut off?
SPACE PRINCESS JUPITER JONES: Wait, wings?
HALF-A-BEE SEAN BEAN: It's because he totally randomly killed some royalty for no reason! Dude just hates royalty I guess.
SPACE PRINCESS JUPITER JONES: Half-Wolf, Half-Man, Half-Abs -- uh, I mean, Half-Albino Channing Tatum, is this true?
HALF-WOLF, HALF-MAN, HALF-ALBINO, FOREVER ALONE CHANNING TATUM: Yep!
SPACE PRINCESS JUPITER JONES: Well, I guess you had your reasons!
HALF-WOLF, HALF-MAN, HALF-ALBINO, FOREVER ALONE CHANNING TATUM: ...actually no, I kind of didn't? I can't even remember why I killed that guy. Totally weird. Just a sudden savage anti-royalty attack! Your Highness!
SPACE PRINCESS JUPITER JONES: Huh, funny! You know, I also have sudden urges sometimes? Like, urges to hit on hot shirtless, angsty, potentially murderous men? For instance.
HALF-WOLF, HALF-MAN, HALF-ALBINO, FOREVER ALONE CHANNING TATUM: .....I should go.

But before they can explore this any further Space Princess Jupiter Jones gets kidnapped by bounty hunters, and delivered to the first stop on her tour of space royalty, Wrinkly Sis, with Half-Wolf, Half-Man, Half-Albino, Forever Alone Channing Tatum in hot pursuit on his roller skates.

WRINKLY SIS: So Jupiter Jones, you are probably wondering WHAT makes you a space princess, exactly, given that none of the rest of your wacky Russian family appear to be royalty.
SPACE PRINCESS JUPITER JONES: Yes I was wondering this!
WRINKLY SIS: Well, the thing is, by a billion-to-one chance, you are an exact genetic copy of my mother! Actually this kind of thing happens all the time. People put provisions in their wills for it. Anyway, I hope we can have a great relationship, New Mom.
SPACE PRINCESS JUPITER JONES: ... I don't know if I'm comfortable with this ...
WRINKLY SIS: Also let me demonstrate to you our miracle regeneration bathtubs which are totally not in any way powered by the lives of the innocent!
SPACE PRINCESS JUPITER JONES: ... I mean while I appreciate the demo I really wish you would put your clothes back on ... especially if you think I'm your mom reincarnated ...
NO-LONGER-WRINKLY SIS: Ha ha ha oh darling, if you think this is an awkward and potentially incestuous moment we're having, just WAIT until you meet my brothers. Now go put in your legal claim to Earth, which, for the record, you own, and have a nice day! :D

We pause here for a wacky comedy interlude while some Space Cops take Space Princess Jupiter Jones over to navigate the labyrinthine requirements of Space Bureaucracy to take legal ownership of Earth!

...and also for some more romance between Half-Wolf, Half-Man, Half-Albino, Forever Alone Channing Tatum and Space Princess Jupiter Jones, who is NOT GIVING UP on those abs.

SPACE PRINCESS JUPITER JONES: So about this compulsion you have to attack royalty...
HALF-WOLF, HALF-MAN, HALF-ALBINO, FOREVER ALONE CHANNING TATUM: ...yes...?
SPACE PRINCESS JUPITER JONES: Does it extend to wanting to attack my lips? Maybe ... with your lips? :D :D :D
HALF-WOLF, HALF-MAN, HALF-ALBINO, FOREVER ALONE CHANNING TATUM, IN THE BEST LINE FROM THE TRAILER: You don't understand! I have more in common with a DOG than I have with you!
SPACE PRINCESS JUPITER JONES, IN THE OTHER BEST LINE FROM THE TRAILER: I love dogs! I've always loved dogs! :D :D :D
HALF-WOLF, HALF-MAN, HALF-ALBINO, FOREVER ALONE CHANNING TATUM: Your Majesty ...
SPACE PRINCESS JUPITER JONES: You know, it feels weird when other people call me Your Majesty, but when you say it ... it seems really hot? It seems really hot.
(THE THEATER: Space Princess Jupiter Jones, we are all learning SO MUCH about you right now.)

...after which Space Princess Jupiter Jones is promptly kidnapped by her second stop on the space royalty tour, Gap Model Brother, assisted by a tip-off from Half-A-Bee Sean Bean.

GAP MODEL BRO: Hey, sexy, can I call you Mom?
SPACE PRINCESS JUPITER JONES: ... please don't.
(SEVERAL PEOPLE IN THE THEATER, AUDIBLY: Ewwwww!)
GAP MODEL BRO: In other news, I have a terrible secret to tell you! These miracle regeneration bathtubs ... are MADE OF PEOPLE!
SPACE PRINCESS JUPITER JONES: That's so terrible I'm almost distracted from how uncomfortable I am right now!
GAP MODEL BRO: Great! Well, I'm very concerned about the planets I own being turned into miracle generation bathtubs, so to make sure that doesn't happen, why don't we ... GET MARRIED?
(ONE PERSON IN THE THEATER, AUDIBLY: Dude, she's your mom!)

SPACE PRINCESS JUPITER JONES: Umm, so this plan makes me uncomfortable on a number of levels, but first off, what happened to my dog? I mean, my abs? I mean, my friend Channing Tatum?
GAP MODEL BRO: I have totally not just jettisoned him out an airlock, why do you ask? ANYWAY let's plan a fabulous wedding! :D :D :D

But fortunately, Half-Wolf, Half-Man, Half-Albino, Forever Alone Channing Tatum carries portable spacesuits with him at all times and therefore he is perfectly comfortable floating in space until the Space Cops come pick him up.

CHIEF AWESOME LADY SPACE COP: And here also is Half-A-Bee Sean Bean, that jerk.
HALF-A-BEE SEAN BEAN: I am very sorry I bee-trayed you. :(
HALF-WOLF, HALF-MAN, HALF-ALBINO, FOREVER ALONE CHANNING TATUM: How could you do it?!
HALF-A-BEE SEAN BEAN: You see I needed money for my daughter, who is very sick with bee flu.
HALF-WOLF, HALF-MAN, HALF-ALBINO, FOREVER ALONE CHANNING TATUM: Oh, well, man, I get that. We're cool.
CHIEF AWESOME LADY SPACE COP: ...seriously? That's it? You're cool with that?
HALF-WOLF, HALF-MAN, HALF-ALBINO, FOREVER ALONE CHANNING TATUM: Yes, everyone knows bees never lie. That's just a thing everyone knows about bees. Anyway, TO THE RESCUE!

And then Channing Tatum anti-gravity roller blades his way to rescue Jupiter from her terrible wedding to Gap Model Bro, which is taking place in a SPACE MANSION covered in GIANT GOLDEN STATUES OF SPACE GODS, and everything is sparkles and light and space battle wedding amazingness.

MEANWHILE, back on Earth, Space Princess Jupiter Jones' relatives are all VERY DISAPPOINTED in her wacky cousin for trying to convince her to sell her eggs and then (presumably) leading her to run away.

SPACE PRINCESS JUPITER JONES' WACKY RUSSIAN UNCLE, IN A DIRECT QUOTE: You don't treat your cousin like a chicken!!!

However this amazing piece of family drama is interrupted by the minions of Evil Space Prince Eddie Redmayne, who proceed to kidnap every single one of Space Princess Jupiter Jones' decidedly non-space-royal relatives and carry them away.

EVIL SPACE PRINCE EDDIE REDMAYNE: All you have to do is walk into my lair, sign over your deed to Earth, and let me chew some scenery, and then I will totally let you and your family go!
SPACE PRINCESS JUPITER JONES: Somehow this seems less than plausible ... also, hey, what about those plans to turn all the people on my planet into miracle regeneration bathtubs?
EVIL SPACE PRINCE EDDIE REDMAYNE: Oh, Mom, why you always gotta be so difficult? So beautiful ... and so difficult .... I love you, and I hate you ...
SPACE PRINCESS JUPITER JONES: WHAT IS WITH ALL THESE PEOPLE AND THEIR MOTHER ISSUES????

This is now all taking place in Evil Space Prince Eddie Redmayne's volcanic space lair, by the way, above which Half-A-Bee Sean Bean, Chief Awesome Lady Space Cop, and Half-Wolf, Half-Man, Half-Albino, Forever Alone Channing Tatum are all sitting around twiddling their thumbs.

HALF-A-BEE SEAN BEAN: So this is about the point in the movie where I'd usually go down to the volcanic planet and die.
HALF-WOLF, HALF-MAN, HALF-ALBINO, FOREVER ALONE CHANNING TATUM: Yes, that is true.
HALF-A-BEE SEAN BEAN: HOWEVER, Half-Wolf, Half-Man, Half-Albino, Forever Alone Channing Tatum, let me tell you something: you have imprinted on that girl. She is your PACK. She's what you've been LOOKING FOR ALL THESE YEARS. The heart is a LONELY HUNTER and you have HONED IN.
HALF-WOLF, HALF-MAN, HALF-ALBINO, FOREVER ALONE CHANNING TATUM: ...so what you're saying is...?
HALF-A-BEE SEAN BEAN: It is YOUR turn to go down to the volcanic planet and risk dying tragically in an explosion, buddy. Not me. Not Half-A-Bee Sean Bean. NOT THIS DAY. I'M GONNA LIVE.
CHIEF AWESOME LADY SPACE COP: Word to that.

So once more, Half-Wolf, Half-Man, Half-Albino, Forever Alone Channing Tatum dons his anti-gravity roller skates and zooms in to the rescue! Just as Space Princess Jupiter Jones has triumphantly refused to sign away her title to Earth! And then everyone flails around the collapsing planet for a while, and Evil Space Prince Eddie Redmayne and Space Princess Jupiter Jones whack at each other with pipes while Evil Space Prince Eddie Redmayne chews on every single piece of falling scenery and overshares about his feelings about his mother --

SPACE PRINCESS JUPITER JONES, THE MOST FRUSTRATED SHE HAS EVER BEEN: I am not your damn mother!

-- and then they almost die but they totally don't! And Half-A-Bee Sean Bean doesn't die either! And Jupiter Jones still owns Earth and is still a space princess!

...but is also still a janitor? Because now that she's had a taste of the wacky space world out there with all its evil turning-planets-into-regeneration-bathtub ways, she'd rather just clean the toilets, thanks. THAT'S FINE. EVERYTHING IS FINE.

And everything is especially fine because Half-Wolf, Half-Man, Half-Albino but no longer forever alone Channing Tatum has come to take her on a hot rooftop date and NOW HE HAS GIANT BLACK WINGS, and he calls her 'Your Majesty' and then GIVES HER HIS ANTI-GRAVITY ROLLER SKATES and they frolic together through the air of New York (eta: or rather, Chicago!) and NONE OF US CAN BREATHE FOR LAUGHING BECAUSE HALF-WOLF, HALF-MAN, HALF-ALBINO CHANNING TATUM HAS LITERAL WINGS NOW, HE HAS LITERAL WINGS.

This movie has maybe given me more joy than anything else this year so far. I am desperately hoping for a sequel in which:

- Space Princess Jupiter Jones leads a space revolution
- all of her wacky Russian relatives move into a space palace, I don't care which space palace, ANY SPACE PALACE IS FINE
- Sean Bean also has wings now, except they are BEE-AUTIFUL BUZZY BEE WINGS

Comments

[skygiants]

I don't Game of Thrones but I kind of want to rewatch an episode of season one just on account of the fact that right now I can't see his face without automatically putting it on top of the Honey Nut Cheerios bee mascot.