(no subject)

[skygiants]

OK, so if you've been around the internet you probably have already heard that KFC recently released a romance novella featuring Colonel Sanders. It is called Tender Wings of Desire and was available for free, so obviously I downloaded it despite knowing that this made me a tool of capitalist America.

Unfortunately, Tender Wings of Desire commits the worst sin that a joke romance novella written by a corporation can possibly commit: it is boring as heck.

In case you, too, find yourself fatally curious, here is a brief summation of the events of Tender Wings of Desire:

- Madeline Parker, A Vaguely Regency Lady, who is Breathtakingly Beautiful but, Unlike Other Girls, does not like Embroidery or Matters of the Household, gets engaged to a perfectly nice Duke
- But Alas! She Does Not Love Him!
- she wants to See The World!
- so on the night before the wedding she flees into the night with zero preparation or plans
- which is fine because the next day she gets a job at an inn in a small seaside town by walking in and asking the inn if they have a job
- she's so much happier doing manual inn labor than she was as a fine lady
- no you don't understand! she's Seeing the World! a whole ... different small town of it!
- anyway then she meets a dreamy glasses-wearing sailor
- they go for a walk, once, and then they are in love
- now that she's not a lady anymore, there's absolutely no reason in the world that she shouldn't have premarital sex!
- they kiss a few times and have some tastefully ambiguous fade-to-black banging(?)
- her new innkeeper friend drops a backstory about being seduced by a rake sailor but Madeline's like "he's not LIKE that" and it's fine, he totally isn't
- but then alas, the dramatic reveal: though she THOUGHT he was but a humble sailor, his family has sent him a letter begging him to return home and assume the mantle of their business empire!
- "Yes, I'm a Colonel. Yes, I'm fabulously rich. I am a magnate of the restaurant industry, my dear, the king of an empire that I built with my bare hands. I took a sabbatical from my duties in order to see the world, see what else could possibly be out there, and on the course of my journey I found what I was looking for."
- honestly that line is the only thing entertaining enough to read the novella for and now, there it is, you've read it. You're welcome.
- (she almost dumps him because she doesn't want to go back to Being A Lady)
- (but the next chapter they're married and sailing back to Kentucky to take over the business empire so I guess that's fine)
- (can't believe I sold my soul to KFC for this)
- (I'M A VEGETARIAN)

Comments

[kalloway]

I'm not sure I have enough LOLWUT for this and may need to go purchase more before continuing.

[skygiants]

Save up your LOLWUT supply, there are other things more worth using it on

[landofnowhere]

How disappointing; I'd rather read Anne Shirley's romance that Diana co-opted to sell Rollings Reliable Baking Powder!

[skygiants]

Yeah, one feels fairly certain that any early Anne Shirley work would be VASTLY more entertaining than this.

[sophia_sol]

Thank you for reading this so the rest of us don't have to! I was curious about it and you have satisfied my curiosity. How disappointing of it to be boring

[miss_s_b]

I agree with this comment

[skygiants]

Right? If you're going to do something like this it's practically a responsibility to go wildly over-the-top.

[sovay]

Unfortunately, Tender Wings of Desire commits the worst sin that a joke romance novella written by a corporation can possibly commit: it is boring as heck.

That is an incredible waste of a joke romance novella!

[skygiants]

I think they were aiming for 'gentle parody' and wildly undershot the mark; this honestly could've been any mediocre mumblehistorical romance novella.

[aamcnamara]

They should've gotten Chuck Tingle to ghostwrite it.

[mific]

PEGGED IN MY ENORMOUS COLONELBURGER BUTT BY A RUNAWAY CHICKADEE!

[skygiants]

IF. ONLY.

[sovay]

They should've gotten Chuck Tingle to ghostwrite it.

+1.

[kate_nepveu]

*quietly sings "Would you like a burger?" to self*

[skygiants]

a MAGNATE of the RESTAURANT INDUSTRY

[marginaliana]

I'm so sad that this isn't weirder! Chuck Tingle has raised the bar, I guess (or... lowered the bar??). Thank you for reading so we don't have to!

[kore]

Chuck Tingle has blown up the bar with the pure energy of all buckaroos who love and dinosaur kisses.

[sasha_feather]

Hahah! Thanks for sharing that excellent summary.

[skygiants]

You're welcome! FAR FROM MY BEST WORK, but, to be honest, probably also far from KFC's.

[littlerhymes]

I am so disappointed! But thank you for taking this one for the team, ha.

[skygiants]

I discovered later that someone else already tackled it from a historical angle. Personally, I didn't even expect historicity! All I wanted was enough weirdness to be worth writing about.

[genarti]

I'm so sad they wasted this golden opportunity for hilarity! Bah humbug. But thank you for taking one for the team!

[skygiants]

There weren't even any chicken puns!! Or if there were, I missed them entirely.

[agonistes]

As a reminder, this is the romantic hero in question.

[skygiants]

Tender Wings of Desire would like you to understand that his hair is WHITE BLONDE and he's DREAMY.

[kore]

KFC recently released a romance novella

WHA

featuring Colonel Sanders.

WHAAAAA?

It is called Tender Wings of Desire

THIS WAS TRUMP'S IDEA. SOMEHOW.

[skygiants]

Tender Wings of Desire would like you to understand that it's very pro-female empowerment! Women SHOULD be able to have fulfilling careers, like being bartenders!

[sdelmonte]

Well, not everything can be as good as the KFC/Flash crossover comics.

[skygiants]

Surprise appearance of the Flash would definitely have improved this!

[bookblather]

WHAT

I mean. I started out boggling at the fact that KFC wrote a ROMANCE NOVEL TIE-IN and just... never stopped...

[skygiants]

I mean, that's honestly all there is to boggle about - the boggling just kind of stops there. THE PEOPLE DEMAND MORE BOGGLE FOR THEIR BUCK.

[in_the_blue]

Brb, laughing forever.

[skygiants]

TIME TO TAKE UP THE MANTLE OF COLONEL

[melannen]

I... if you're going to do that, it either needs to be an book that actually deals seriously with all the cultural weirdness that is the concept of a "Kentucky Colonel" or you need to go ALL OUT with the bird puns and chicken obsession.

(I was a thirdhand witness via gossip to my grandfather's high school classmate Frank Perdue's attempts at romancing my grandfather's high school classmate Eunice Lee when they were all in their 80s and all that was left of their high school class, I know from chicken-obsessed romance okay.)

Please tell me the inn at least specialized in fried chicken!

[skygiants]

NOT EVEN. It's really frustrating, I feel like I know at least two dozen people who could have written a vastly more entertaining chicken-themed romance than this! I DO want to see the version based on the star-crossed romance of Frank Perdue and Eunice Lee!

[conuly]

How could a romance novella featuring Colonel Sanders be boring!? That's a really bad fuckup.

[skygiants]

I think they just figured the premise would get people to check in, and .... I mean, they were right, it did, but it's definitely not getting me to purchase any more chicken!