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Now that everyone's excited about Star Wars it seems like a good time to say that we finished all the currently available Clone Wars! I've been emotionally compromised by the first arc of this last season for the past several months!
1. The Unknown
Clone Trooper Tup starts asking mysteriously confused and then murders a Jedi! WHAT COULD CAUSE THIS? NOBODY KNOWS! The most stressful arc in all of the Clone Wars begins!
ME: Since when does Fives have a best friend named Tup?
DEBI: Since all of his other friends introduced throughout the show are DEAD?
ME: ... oh yeah. :(
2. Conspiracy
On the one hand, Fives' investigation into what's going on with Tup is VERY SAD AND STRESSFUL!
On the other hand, now that Fives has run out of clone besties, his friendship with a medical droid named AZI-3 is my new favorite dynamic in the entire Star Wars universe; please someone have written the AU where they both escape and fight crime together? It's all I want in this life.
3. Fugitive
I also want the AU where things DO go as AZI-3 expects in this episode and they both get memory-wiped and then become friends again anyway and have to piece together what happened! Admittedly that's a worse AU but STILL NOT AS BAD as what's actually going to happen and we all know it, so WHO'S TO JUDGE ME.
Anyway there's a lot of sneaking around and then Fives gets sent to Coruscant, where as we all know things are going to go poorly.
4. Fugitive
I'm actually not entirely clear on the sequence of events that leads to Fives getting framed for attempted Chancellor murder - we're shown him getting drugged, and then apparently the Emperor tells him the truth about Order 66, but if that was the plan why did he need to be drugged? and also Palpatine's clone guards were RIGHT THERE when Palpatine apparently explained the truth to Fives, were they not ... also concerned ....?
ANYWAY THAT ASIDE WE'RE STILL VERY UPSET.
ME: Anakin, it was literally just yesterday that someone else close to you was targeted by a sinister all-encompassing conspiracy in Coruscant and had to flee for their life lest they be unjustly executed! JUST YESTERDAY this happened!
DEBI: We don't actually know how the timeline went between the last arc and this one --
ME: Okay, maybe instead of yesterday it was last week BUT STILL.
DEBI: Also are you really out here expecting Anakin to 'learn' from 'mistakes'?
(Debi actually went after this and rewatched every episode Five appears in, in order, and got even more upset; I have not had the inner fortitude to do this yet but it will almost certainly happen at some point.)
5. An Old Friend
And for a little light comic relief after all that, we're back to ... Padme's Useless Ex!
(E.K. JOHNSTON, FROM SEVERAL CITIES AWAY: THEY NEVER REALLY DATED, THAT'S CANON NOW
ME: I respect your opinions and your commitment to making them reality, but Padme's Useless Ex is how I have always referred to Rush Clovis and I don't intend to stop now.
Anyway I have gotten a lot fonder of Rush Clovis and his existence in Star Wars canon since the fates aligned to allow me to make this joke about Trashy Rush Clovis, adopted member of the Muun banking clan:
ME, TRIUMPHANT: that's no Muun!
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
jothra: so he's a space station?
ME, EVEN MORE TRIUMPHANT: yes he IS a space station
[blank looks]
ME, MOST TRIUMPHANT: because everyone's docked there
You're all so welcome.)
ANYWAY. When last scene Clovis was ineffectually betraying the Republic and accidentally getting Padme poisoned in this process, much to his chagrin, Anakin's wrath, and our hilarity; in this episode Padme reluctantly teams up with Clovis to sneak some information out of the Banking Clan and Anakin has to rescue both of them, much to everyone's chagrin and our hilarity. I'm very disappointed this was not followed up by an episode in which they all got trapped in a snowstorm and had to go bickery camping for a week.
6. The Rise of Clovis
Still Clovis, but much less wacky! The A-plot of this episode is about how Clovis, with vague good intentions, gets manipulated into becoming the head of the Banking Clan; the B-plot is how Anakin walks in on Clovis putting the moves on Padme, flies into an enormous red-flag Imperial March rage, and PADME RIGHTEOUSLY DUMPS HIM. We cheered! That is one thousand percent the kind of behavior for which you cut off your dark-side-sliding boyfriend!
7. Crisis at the Heart
Clovis' Well Intentioned Bad Ideas escalate into Worse Ideas very quickly! Padme is taken hostage! Clovis apologizes and dies! Anakin, unfortunately for the fate of the galaxy, does not stay dumped!
8. The Disappeared, Part 1
oh nooooo it's the worst Jar Jar episodes in the series, ft.
- a culture of, for some horrible reason, South Asian-coded duck-bird people
- the queen of whom, for some horrible reason, is in love with Jar Jar
- but also, for some horrible reason, at risk of kidnapping and human sacrifice, Temple of Doom style
WHO ASKED FOR ANY OF THIS
(There's a kernel of hypothetical interest here, in that the duck-bird people are deeply mistrustful of Jedi, and Mace Windu is along for the ride to convince them that they're wrong, which ... is a bad choice, first of all, why would you pick MACE WINDU for this, but I'd love an examination of a culture that's mistrustful of the Jedi and their potentially valid reasons for this!
unfortunately, the episode is not interested in this; it is instead interested in Heroic Jar Jar rescuing a swooning duck-bird princess.)
9. The Disappeared, Part II
Inexplicable choices, continued. The ghost of Ventress' mom is behind it all for some reason? Under other circumstances I would be perfectly happy to see the ghost of Ventress' mom but NOT HERE.
10. The Lost One
The Jedi get like halfway to figuring out that there's maybe something a little weird in a dead Jedi master suddenly deciding to provide them an army of identical men, then collectively shrug and go "eh, we've never looked this gift horse in the mouth before so why start now?"
(I mean, the actual reason for the shrug is because they've all worked with clones now and the clones are great, which is TRUE and both warms and hurts my heart, but still ... guys ........)
11. Voices
Yoda starts hearing Qui-Gon Jinn talk to him in his head! Everyone is a little concerned and puts Yoda under medical observation!
YODA: Hey, Anakin ... how would you like to recklessly disobey orders and break me out of hospital?
ANAKIN: BOY HOWDY, WOULD I
ME: hasn't Yoda spent a hundred episodes strongly disapproving of Anakin for recklessly disobeying orders ...
DEBI: yes but he personally didn't need any orders recklessly disobeyed then, did he?
12. Destiny
Yoda and R2-D2 go on a mystical road trip to meet with the personification of the Force, which turns out to be several floating humanoid women with a variety of emoji-faces!
DEBI: OK ... so if this is the personification of the Force ..... which of the emoji-faces is the one that banged Anakin's mom?
ME: I've got to assume there's a 😘 emoji-face that we haven't yet met.
Yoda's Adventures include fighting with Dark Side Yoda (in a battle that bears a remarkable resemblance to Gollum v. Smeagol) and having a sad illusion of the Clone Wars never happening and everyone who died or went Dark Side being totally fine. :(
Meanwhile, R2-D2 spends the entire episode chilling by the ship. We hope he brought a book.
13. Sacrifice
Yoda continues on his mystical road trip to learn how to be a Force Ghost, and it's all very hallucinogenically symbolic.
ME: This is interesting but I don't know that I would have chosen this arc to be the last one of the series as it stands ...
YODA, RECOUNTING HIS ADVENTURES AT THE END OF THE EPISODE: No longer certain that one ever does win a war, I am. For in fighting the battles, the bloodshed, already lost, we have.
ME: all right, thank you for that summation of the show's thesis! I accept this as a respectable series ending for the time at which you thought this would be the series ending!
1. The Unknown
Clone Trooper Tup starts asking mysteriously confused and then murders a Jedi! WHAT COULD CAUSE THIS? NOBODY KNOWS! The most stressful arc in all of the Clone Wars begins!
ME: Since when does Fives have a best friend named Tup?
DEBI: Since all of his other friends introduced throughout the show are DEAD?
ME: ... oh yeah. :(
2. Conspiracy
On the one hand, Fives' investigation into what's going on with Tup is VERY SAD AND STRESSFUL!
On the other hand, now that Fives has run out of clone besties, his friendship with a medical droid named AZI-3 is my new favorite dynamic in the entire Star Wars universe; please someone have written the AU where they both escape and fight crime together? It's all I want in this life.
3. Fugitive
I also want the AU where things DO go as AZI-3 expects in this episode and they both get memory-wiped and then become friends again anyway and have to piece together what happened! Admittedly that's a worse AU but STILL NOT AS BAD as what's actually going to happen and we all know it, so WHO'S TO JUDGE ME.
Anyway there's a lot of sneaking around and then Fives gets sent to Coruscant, where as we all know things are going to go poorly.
4. Fugitive
I'm actually not entirely clear on the sequence of events that leads to Fives getting framed for attempted Chancellor murder - we're shown him getting drugged, and then apparently the Emperor tells him the truth about Order 66, but if that was the plan why did he need to be drugged? and also Palpatine's clone guards were RIGHT THERE when Palpatine apparently explained the truth to Fives, were they not ... also concerned ....?
ANYWAY THAT ASIDE WE'RE STILL VERY UPSET.
ME: Anakin, it was literally just yesterday that someone else close to you was targeted by a sinister all-encompassing conspiracy in Coruscant and had to flee for their life lest they be unjustly executed! JUST YESTERDAY this happened!
DEBI: We don't actually know how the timeline went between the last arc and this one --
ME: Okay, maybe instead of yesterday it was last week BUT STILL.
DEBI: Also are you really out here expecting Anakin to 'learn' from 'mistakes'?
(Debi actually went after this and rewatched every episode Five appears in, in order, and got even more upset; I have not had the inner fortitude to do this yet but it will almost certainly happen at some point.)
5. An Old Friend
And for a little light comic relief after all that, we're back to ... Padme's Useless Ex!
(E.K. JOHNSTON, FROM SEVERAL CITIES AWAY: THEY NEVER REALLY DATED, THAT'S CANON NOW
ME: I respect your opinions and your commitment to making them reality, but Padme's Useless Ex is how I have always referred to Rush Clovis and I don't intend to stop now.
Anyway I have gotten a lot fonder of Rush Clovis and his existence in Star Wars canon since the fates aligned to allow me to make this joke about Trashy Rush Clovis, adopted member of the Muun banking clan:
ME, TRIUMPHANT: that's no Muun!
jothra: so he's a space station?ME, EVEN MORE TRIUMPHANT: yes he IS a space station
[blank looks]
ME, MOST TRIUMPHANT: because everyone's docked there
You're all so welcome.)
ANYWAY. When last scene Clovis was ineffectually betraying the Republic and accidentally getting Padme poisoned in this process, much to his chagrin, Anakin's wrath, and our hilarity; in this episode Padme reluctantly teams up with Clovis to sneak some information out of the Banking Clan and Anakin has to rescue both of them, much to everyone's chagrin and our hilarity. I'm very disappointed this was not followed up by an episode in which they all got trapped in a snowstorm and had to go bickery camping for a week.
6. The Rise of Clovis
Still Clovis, but much less wacky! The A-plot of this episode is about how Clovis, with vague good intentions, gets manipulated into becoming the head of the Banking Clan; the B-plot is how Anakin walks in on Clovis putting the moves on Padme, flies into an enormous red-flag Imperial March rage, and PADME RIGHTEOUSLY DUMPS HIM. We cheered! That is one thousand percent the kind of behavior for which you cut off your dark-side-sliding boyfriend!
7. Crisis at the Heart
Clovis' Well Intentioned Bad Ideas escalate into Worse Ideas very quickly! Padme is taken hostage! Clovis apologizes and dies! Anakin, unfortunately for the fate of the galaxy, does not stay dumped!
8. The Disappeared, Part 1
oh nooooo it's the worst Jar Jar episodes in the series, ft.
- a culture of, for some horrible reason, South Asian-coded duck-bird people
- the queen of whom, for some horrible reason, is in love with Jar Jar
- but also, for some horrible reason, at risk of kidnapping and human sacrifice, Temple of Doom style
WHO ASKED FOR ANY OF THIS
(There's a kernel of hypothetical interest here, in that the duck-bird people are deeply mistrustful of Jedi, and Mace Windu is along for the ride to convince them that they're wrong, which ... is a bad choice, first of all, why would you pick MACE WINDU for this, but I'd love an examination of a culture that's mistrustful of the Jedi and their potentially valid reasons for this!
unfortunately, the episode is not interested in this; it is instead interested in Heroic Jar Jar rescuing a swooning duck-bird princess.)
9. The Disappeared, Part II
Inexplicable choices, continued. The ghost of Ventress' mom is behind it all for some reason? Under other circumstances I would be perfectly happy to see the ghost of Ventress' mom but NOT HERE.
10. The Lost One
The Jedi get like halfway to figuring out that there's maybe something a little weird in a dead Jedi master suddenly deciding to provide them an army of identical men, then collectively shrug and go "eh, we've never looked this gift horse in the mouth before so why start now?"
(I mean, the actual reason for the shrug is because they've all worked with clones now and the clones are great, which is TRUE and both warms and hurts my heart, but still ... guys ........)
11. Voices
Yoda starts hearing Qui-Gon Jinn talk to him in his head! Everyone is a little concerned and puts Yoda under medical observation!
YODA: Hey, Anakin ... how would you like to recklessly disobey orders and break me out of hospital?
ANAKIN: BOY HOWDY, WOULD I
ME: hasn't Yoda spent a hundred episodes strongly disapproving of Anakin for recklessly disobeying orders ...
DEBI: yes but he personally didn't need any orders recklessly disobeyed then, did he?
12. Destiny
Yoda and R2-D2 go on a mystical road trip to meet with the personification of the Force, which turns out to be several floating humanoid women with a variety of emoji-faces!
DEBI: OK ... so if this is the personification of the Force ..... which of the emoji-faces is the one that banged Anakin's mom?
ME: I've got to assume there's a 😘 emoji-face that we haven't yet met.
Yoda's Adventures include fighting with Dark Side Yoda (in a battle that bears a remarkable resemblance to Gollum v. Smeagol) and having a sad illusion of the Clone Wars never happening and everyone who died or went Dark Side being totally fine. :(
Meanwhile, R2-D2 spends the entire episode chilling by the ship. We hope he brought a book.
13. Sacrifice
Yoda continues on his mystical road trip to learn how to be a Force Ghost, and it's all very hallucinogenically symbolic.
ME: This is interesting but I don't know that I would have chosen this arc to be the last one of the series as it stands ...
YODA, RECOUNTING HIS ADVENTURES AT THE END OF THE EPISODE: No longer certain that one ever does win a war, I am. For in fighting the battles, the bloodshed, already lost, we have.
ME: all right, thank you for that summation of the show's thesis! I accept this as a respectable series ending for the time at which you thought this would be the series ending!
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This Clovis arc worked a little better than the first because it was like yes, now I see that he can be actually intelligent which Padme likes. The Yoda episodes are cool looking.
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I for sure ended up feeling more endeared towards Clovis than I thought I would. Like, yes, he's useless and all his decisions are terrible but it's not like that many people in the galaxy are out there making good decisions at that time...
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I was honestly surprised at how...domestic violence-y they had Anakin be even though he's so close to falling at this point in the timeline (I guess I shouldn't have been, given the other things this show did that made me blink in surprise) and that Padme actually did try to leave him but couldn't. It makes it even worse, somehow.
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I never actually watched the last few episodes, so the "personification of the Force" women are a very odd surprise.
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The Wiki calls them Priestesses but I definitely got the impression that they were some kind of weird Force embodiment ... but I also don't really understand MUCH of the weird Force religion stuff.
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(I may be overreacting to this coming up exactly once in a Jedi Council meeting BUT STILL.)
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