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Feb. 29th, 2012 11:58 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
skygiantsSo the experience of reading Cold Fire (sequel to Cold Magic) goes pretty much like this:
BOOK: *OPENS*
OUR HEROINE AND HER FABULOUS COUSIN: Chase scene! Evil magicians! Revolution! Run awaaaaaaaay!
LAWYER DINOSAURS: Hello! We might be helpful! But we're not going to be.
ANGRY REVOLUTIONARIES: Hello! We might be helpful! But we're not going to be.
OUR HEROINE'S FAKE ARRANGED HUSBAND: Hello! I might be helpful! But mostly I'm going to be fabulously dressed and sulky about how you won't say if you liiiike me or not.
FAKE AU NAPOLEON: Hello! I might be helpful! Or I might be really bad news!
OUR HEROINE AND HER FABULOUS COUSIN: Run awaaaaaaaaaaaay!
OUR HEROINE'S OLD SCHOOL PRINCIPAL: Hello! I might be helpful! Or I might be a dragon. YOU DON'T KNOW.
SOME GOBLINS: Hello! We might be helpful! But we don't really know why we're in this book.
UNDEAD SEVERED HEAD OF A FAMOUS CELTIC POET AND LEGAL SCHOLAR: Hello! I might be helpful! Or I might make you make out with me.
OUR HEROINE'S FABULOUS COUSIN: Or, or, how about this: I might make you make out with me.
UNDEAD SEVERED HEAD OF A FAMOUS CELTIC POET AND LEGAL SCHOLAR: . . . ahhhh! You are too fabulous! I can't make out with you! RUN AWAAAAAY!
OUR HEROINE AND HER FABULOUS COUSIN: Run awaaaaaay! Into . . . the spirit world!
THE SPIRIT WORLD: Hello! You thought we were going to be helpful, and . . . that was pretty stupid, actually.
THE LORD OF THE WILD HUNT: Now, you know I'm not going to be helpful.
OUR HEROINE: Run awaaaaay, fabulous cousin!
FABULOUS COUSIN: *runs awaaaaaay*
(BECCA: . . . wait, hang on, I'm on page 100? This initial chase sequence has been going on for a hundred pages?)
THE LORD OF THE WILD HUNT: Heroine, I'm sending you on a MISSION! And now I'm sending you into the middle of the Caribbean ocean.
A SHARK: Hello! And by 'hello' I mean OM NOM NOM.
OUR HEROINE: Run awaaaaaaay! - no, wait. PUNCH IT IN THE FACE!
A ZOMBIE: Hello! And by 'hello' I mean OM NOM NOM.
OUR HEROINE: Run awaaa--OH CRAP ZOMBIE INFECTION IS NOT SOMETHING I CAN RUN AWAY FROM.
A FIREBENDER: I can save you! With firebending sex!
OUR HEROINE: . . . . okay!
A FIREBENDER: LOL actually I just thought you were hot, and also, I'm a huge asshole. But you're not a zombie, so congrats?
OUR HEROINE: AWESOME. Also, I'm still stuck on Zombie Island.
SOME AIR PIRATES IN AN AIRSHIP: Hello! We can help with that!
A FIREBENDER: So can I! By setting all the zombies on fire.
OUR HEROINE'S FAKE ARRANGED MARRIAGE HUSBAND: Hello again! Or perhaps I should say . . . hello, ladies. I am in the Caribbean, for reasons I will not explain, and also, I am looking super fine. How do you like me now? :D
OUR HEROINE: I am stuck on WHAT. WHAT. WHAT. NO. SERIOUSLY. WHAT.
BECCA: . . . Kate Elliot, I love you, but we're only on page like a hundred and twenty and there's like four hundred pages to go and can I please, PLEASE have some time to catch my breath?
OUR HEROINE: SECONDED.
KATE ELLIOTT: Okay! Here, have two hundred pages of intrigue and spying and flirting. There may be some revolution, and there may be some relationship drama, but probably no more zombies for a while? :D
BECCA: My head is spinning too fast to really follow most of this intrigue, but I'm enjoying the respite from the zombies!
KATE ELLIOTT: Well, I'm glad you enjoyed the break, because now it's time for DRAGON DREAMS AND REVOLUTION AND THE RETURN OF FAKE NAPOLEON AND THE WILD HUNT WILL RIDE AND ALSO WELCOME BACK TO ZOMBIE ISLAND.
BECCA: But . . . but I thought you said no more zombies!
KATE ELLIOTT: Just keeping you on your toes! Sucker.
BECCA: I HAVE SPENT THIS ENTIRE BOOK ON MY TOES. also where is the next one and why is it not in my hands. ;_____;
So . . . that's Cold Fire! I don't think I have ever read a book that reminded me more of a roller coaster. A roller coaster on which you spend a lot of time screaming for things to slow down, but also on which you get to punch a shark in the face.
BOOK: *OPENS*
OUR HEROINE AND HER FABULOUS COUSIN: Chase scene! Evil magicians! Revolution! Run awaaaaaaaay!
LAWYER DINOSAURS: Hello! We might be helpful! But we're not going to be.
ANGRY REVOLUTIONARIES: Hello! We might be helpful! But we're not going to be.
OUR HEROINE'S FAKE ARRANGED HUSBAND: Hello! I might be helpful! But mostly I'm going to be fabulously dressed and sulky about how you won't say if you liiiike me or not.
FAKE AU NAPOLEON: Hello! I might be helpful! Or I might be really bad news!
OUR HEROINE AND HER FABULOUS COUSIN: Run awaaaaaaaaaaaay!
OUR HEROINE'S OLD SCHOOL PRINCIPAL: Hello! I might be helpful! Or I might be a dragon. YOU DON'T KNOW.
SOME GOBLINS: Hello! We might be helpful! But we don't really know why we're in this book.
UNDEAD SEVERED HEAD OF A FAMOUS CELTIC POET AND LEGAL SCHOLAR: Hello! I might be helpful! Or I might make you make out with me.
OUR HEROINE'S FABULOUS COUSIN: Or, or, how about this: I might make you make out with me.
UNDEAD SEVERED HEAD OF A FAMOUS CELTIC POET AND LEGAL SCHOLAR: . . . ahhhh! You are too fabulous! I can't make out with you! RUN AWAAAAAY!
OUR HEROINE AND HER FABULOUS COUSIN: Run awaaaaaay! Into . . . the spirit world!
THE SPIRIT WORLD: Hello! You thought we were going to be helpful, and . . . that was pretty stupid, actually.
THE LORD OF THE WILD HUNT: Now, you know I'm not going to be helpful.
OUR HEROINE: Run awaaaaay, fabulous cousin!
FABULOUS COUSIN: *runs awaaaaaay*
(BECCA: . . . wait, hang on, I'm on page 100? This initial chase sequence has been going on for a hundred pages?)
THE LORD OF THE WILD HUNT: Heroine, I'm sending you on a MISSION! And now I'm sending you into the middle of the Caribbean ocean.
A SHARK: Hello! And by 'hello' I mean OM NOM NOM.
OUR HEROINE: Run awaaaaaaay! - no, wait. PUNCH IT IN THE FACE!
A ZOMBIE: Hello! And by 'hello' I mean OM NOM NOM.
OUR HEROINE: Run awaaa--OH CRAP ZOMBIE INFECTION IS NOT SOMETHING I CAN RUN AWAY FROM.
A FIREBENDER: I can save you! With firebending sex!
OUR HEROINE: . . . . okay!
A FIREBENDER: LOL actually I just thought you were hot, and also, I'm a huge asshole. But you're not a zombie, so congrats?
OUR HEROINE: AWESOME. Also, I'm still stuck on Zombie Island.
SOME AIR PIRATES IN AN AIRSHIP: Hello! We can help with that!
A FIREBENDER: So can I! By setting all the zombies on fire.
OUR HEROINE'S FAKE ARRANGED MARRIAGE HUSBAND: Hello again! Or perhaps I should say . . . hello, ladies. I am in the Caribbean, for reasons I will not explain, and also, I am looking super fine. How do you like me now? :D
OUR HEROINE: I am stuck on WHAT. WHAT. WHAT. NO. SERIOUSLY. WHAT.
BECCA: . . . Kate Elliot, I love you, but we're only on page like a hundred and twenty and there's like four hundred pages to go and can I please, PLEASE have some time to catch my breath?
OUR HEROINE: SECONDED.
KATE ELLIOTT: Okay! Here, have two hundred pages of intrigue and spying and flirting. There may be some revolution, and there may be some relationship drama, but probably no more zombies for a while? :D
BECCA: My head is spinning too fast to really follow most of this intrigue, but I'm enjoying the respite from the zombies!
KATE ELLIOTT: Well, I'm glad you enjoyed the break, because now it's time for DRAGON DREAMS AND REVOLUTION AND THE RETURN OF FAKE NAPOLEON AND THE WILD HUNT WILL RIDE AND ALSO WELCOME BACK TO ZOMBIE ISLAND.
BECCA: But . . . but I thought you said no more zombies!
KATE ELLIOTT: Just keeping you on your toes! Sucker.
BECCA: I HAVE SPENT THIS ENTIRE BOOK ON MY TOES. also where is the next one and why is it not in my hands. ;_____;
So . . . that's Cold Fire! I don't think I have ever read a book that reminded me more of a roller coaster. A roller coaster on which you spend a lot of time screaming for things to slow down, but also on which you get to punch a shark in the face.
no subject
Date: 2012-02-29 06:10 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-02-29 06:17 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-02-29 07:03 pm (UTC)shrieking
laughter
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Date: 2012-02-29 08:04 pm (UTC)SO MANY THINGS TO RUN AWAY FROM
IT'S PLOTTING ON STEROIDS!
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Date: 2012-02-29 08:53 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-02-29 09:48 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-03-01 12:33 am (UTC)DYING OF LOLS
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Date: 2012-03-01 12:52 am (UTC)VAI'S NEVER HAPPY.
(He's angry at himself!)
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Date: 2012-03-01 02:53 am (UTC)It's a good thing Cat and Bee were really in shape before all this even started, otherwise they'd really be in trouble. XD
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Date: 2012-03-01 06:31 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-03-01 06:52 am (UTC)Andevai's going to have his work cut out for him keeping up with Cat: SHARK PUNCHER. Though first she has to rescue him, which I am already imagining happens princess-in-a-tower style (until the third book tells me otherwise)
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Date: 2012-03-01 12:54 pm (UTC)hahahahaha I kind of loved how every time Cat brought up the shark-punching, he was like 'lol yeah like that really happened.' SORRY VAI, I KNOW YOU'RE IN DENIAL, BUT THE SHARK-PUNCHING IS REAL. IT'S REAL. And you'll be glad of it when Cat comes running up to your tower and punches all the guards in the face to get you out!
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Date: 2012-03-01 01:33 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-03-02 03:37 am (UTC)And haha I know! It just makes me want to pat him on the shoulder and tell him, sorry dude, I was there, SHE AIN'T MAKING THAT UP. I'll just give you a minute to yourself to pick up the pieces of your ego...
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Date: 2012-03-02 03:37 am (UTC)they are secretly my favorite plot element
(aside from the shark)
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Date: 2012-03-02 03:44 am (UTC)RIGHT? To be fair I like Vai best when his ego is scattered in hilariously pieces all over the floor! I am sure I am not alone in this . . .