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Nov. 12th, 2015 09:01 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
skygiantsFor my birthday, jothra bought me Louisa May Alcott's long-lost-then-posthumously-published-in-1995 Gothic novel, A LONG FATAL LOVE CHASE! (Allcaps and exclamation point mine, but I feel they are required.)
I knew this book was not going to disappoint on page 2, when Our Heroine Rosamond's grandfather welcomes the villainous love interest into his house by exclaiming "SPEAK OF SATAN AND HE APPEARS!" At which point, if you don't know what kind of book you're reading, it is definitely not Louisa May Alcott's fault.
ROSAMOND: Hello sir! I am a naive, beautiful, and spirited teenager trapped on an isolated island with my cranky and mercenary grandfather, and let me tell you, I would SELL MY SOUL for the chance to get out of this house and live a little!
PHILIP TEMPEST: You don't say.
ROSAMOND: Say, has anyone ever told you that you look a little like Mephistopheles?
PHILIP TEMPEST: You'd be surprised how frequently people do mention that!
So Philip Tempest, who BRINGS STORMS WITH HIM WHEREVER HE GOES!, spends the next month making nice with Rosamond, and occasionally pretending to kidnap her, and introducing her to Lito, the twelve-year-old boy that he keeps in his yacht to hang around in ancient Greek cosplay and look decorative.
Rosamond rolls with all of this, because as far as she can tell this is all totally normal guy stuff, up until the point where he actually sails off with her on his yacht for real.
PHILIP TEMPEST: No, no, it's fine! Your grandfather bet you to me in a card game.
ROSAMOND: You bought me? I admit I'm really into you, but that's not cool.
PHILIP TEMPEST: Admittedly your grandfather also said I should marry you, but I'm not really the marrying kind of sinister Mephistophelian antihero, sooooooooo how would you feel about sailing off to Europe to live in sin?
ROSAMOND: Counter-question: how would you feel about me throwing myself into the ocean?
PHILIP TEMPEST: lol j/k j/k, I've got a priest right here, I keep him tucked under the deck of my yacht in case of wedding emergencies, we are TOTALLY married now.
This works out about as well for poor Rosamond expected.
ROSAMOND: So ... it turns out Lito is not just a random twelve-year-old you keep around to look decorative, but in fact your SECRET SON --
LITO: This was a surprise to me too! A lot of things about my life have suddenly been brought into concerning question.
ROSAMOND: -- by your actual living wife?
PHILIP TEMPEST: In my defense, I don't keep her locked in an attic?
ROSAMOND: ...
PHILIP TEMPEST: I mean, she's mad, but, like, mad at me for stealing her kid and tricking a hapless teenager into being fake married to me. We could even get divorced, except she won't back down until I let her have her kid back!
ROSAMOND: So...why don't you just give Lito back?
PHILIP TEMPEST: I would, except a.) that would be letting her WIN and b.) after that outburst when he found out he was my kid, we got in a big fight and I buried him secretly down the road, so...
ROSAMOND: ....yeah, I'm out!
So Rosamond, taking her agency into her own hands, sneaks away in the middle of the night! With an increasingly stalkerish Tempest in HOT PURSUIT!
Subsequent adventures involve:
- escaping out Parisian windows in the middle of the night!
- hiding in giant laundry baskets!
- coming this close to eloping with a beautiful opera singer!
- cross-dressing in shepherd cosplay and frolicking with Lito (who it turns out was only metaphorically buried) across the Parisian countryside!
- faking her own death!
- temporarily joining a convent!
- earning the forbidden love of tormented Catholic priest Father Ignatius!
For the record, at first Rosamond is concerned that Father Ignatius might be kind of a creeper, but when he helps her escape from the convent after Tempest shows up -- and, not at all incidentally, throws off his cassock to show off his abs and rowing prowess -- she starts to look at him in a new light.
ROSAMOND: So, Father Ignatius, given the whole fallen woman thing, do you think that maybe if Philip gets his divorce I should just for-real marry --
FATHER IGNATIUS: Rosamond, I'm saying this not because I have a crush, but because I care about and respect you: no matter what happens, NEVER, EVER get back together with that ABUSIVE STALKER.
ROSAMOND: That is startlingly and refreshingly good advice for 1868!
More adventures! Rosamond almost marries a nobleman, then spends some time trapped in a madhouse --
ROSAMOND: I guess it's not a Gothic novel unless someone spends some time trapped in a madhouse/attic/etc.
-- then escapes, then is kidnapped by Tempest for a while again until Father Ignatius pops up once more and SHOVES HIM OFF A CLIFF!
FATHER IGNATIUS: Um, so are you mad that I shoved your ex off a --
ROSAMOND: NO I AM NOT, he's probably not dead anyway, let's please get FAR AWAY before he starts stalking me again! And while we're en route you can tell me your real name because caling you 'Father' is starting to feel a little awkward.
FATHER IGNATIUS: Well, my real name is Bayard Conde --
ROSAMOND: Not the same FAMOUS Bayard Conde who led the student rebels in the most recent doomed French revolution?
FATHER IGNATIUS: I have heard the people sing, yes.
ROSAMOND: You know, I should tell you, I always had kind of an Enjolras thing --
FATHER IGNATIUS: -- ANYWAY NOW I AM A PRIEST AND I THINK YOU SHOULD DEFINITELY STILL CALL ME 'FATHER.' IN A DEFINITELY PLATONIC WAY.
FATHER IGNATIUS: So where do you want to go from here? Back to the convent?
ROSAMOND: Well, after Lito found out that he was Philip's son, he was so into the idea of me being his stepmom that he invited me to come live with him and his mom! And while originally I thought that might be a little awkward, at this point I am so very ready to settle down and join the 'we hate Philip Tempest' club.
FATHER IGNATIUS: Why don't we spend the boat ride posing as FATHER and DAUGHTER?
ROSAMOND: I'm not actually sure our ages are different enough for that to be convincing, but sure, I guess that sounds appropriately platonic!
(CONCERNED TOURIST A: Hmm, I wonder why that obviously banging couple keeps calling each other 'father' and 'daughter'!
CONCERNED TOURIST B: Eh, you know, the French.)
Then the boat ride culminates in some surprise drama with a DETECTIVE, who is hunting down Philip Tempest's evil manservant, who is cross-dressing as a beautiful Spanish lady!
PHILIP TEMPEST'S EVIL MANSERVANT: Rosamond, Philip is DYING and he wants you to come and forgive him!
ROSAMOND: ...seriously? Does he really think I am going to fall for that?
PHILIP TEMPEST'S EVIL MANSERVANT: Ha ha, OK, you got me.
But at last Rosamond makes it to Lito and his mom's place, and Lito's mom is SUPER EXCITED to meet her and welcome her to the We Hate Philip Tempest club, and Lito is SUPER EXCITED to have replaced his terrible dad with two excellent moms (and, presumably, not to have to wear Greek cosplay all the time anymore), and even Father Ignatius seems PRETTY EXCITED to spend the rest of his life living down the street tragically pining (what is Father Ignatius living on? Will he ever have to go back to his actual job as a priest? NOBODY KNOWS) and everything seems like it's about to end reasonably well!
LOUISA MAY ALCOTT: I am sorry for getting your hopes up, friends, but no one in 1868 is going to publish a book where the heroine has a ton of sex out of wedlock and gets away scot-free.
So in the last five pages Philip Tempest lures Rosamond and Ignatius out to visit her grandfather's lonely island and accidentally rams a boat into Rosamond while trying to ram a boat into Ignatius, and Ignatius is like, "well, I'm sad about this, but a.) we will be together in Heaven and b.) ONCE we are in Heaven I won't be a priest, so ... considering the long game, it's still kind of a win?"
To which Philip Tempest throws a giant hissy fit, stabs himself, and shrieks "MINE FIRST--MINE LAST--MINE EVEN IN THE GRAVE!!!!" because of course he does.
And while it is kind of a bummer that Rosamond is narratively doomed, it is also sort of refreshing that Louisa May Alcott does not seem to believe that we should find this in any way romantic, not even a little bit, not even at all.
jothra bought me Louisa May Alcott's long-lost-then-posthumously-published-in-1995 Gothic novel, A LONG FATAL LOVE CHASE! (Allcaps and exclamation point mine, but I feel they are required.)I knew this book was not going to disappoint on page 2, when Our Heroine Rosamond's grandfather welcomes the villainous love interest into his house by exclaiming "SPEAK OF SATAN AND HE APPEARS!" At which point, if you don't know what kind of book you're reading, it is definitely not Louisa May Alcott's fault.
ROSAMOND: Hello sir! I am a naive, beautiful, and spirited teenager trapped on an isolated island with my cranky and mercenary grandfather, and let me tell you, I would SELL MY SOUL for the chance to get out of this house and live a little!
PHILIP TEMPEST: You don't say.
ROSAMOND: Say, has anyone ever told you that you look a little like Mephistopheles?
PHILIP TEMPEST: You'd be surprised how frequently people do mention that!
So Philip Tempest, who BRINGS STORMS WITH HIM WHEREVER HE GOES!, spends the next month making nice with Rosamond, and occasionally pretending to kidnap her, and introducing her to Lito, the twelve-year-old boy that he keeps in his yacht to hang around in ancient Greek cosplay and look decorative.
Rosamond rolls with all of this, because as far as she can tell this is all totally normal guy stuff, up until the point where he actually sails off with her on his yacht for real.
PHILIP TEMPEST: No, no, it's fine! Your grandfather bet you to me in a card game.
ROSAMOND: You bought me? I admit I'm really into you, but that's not cool.
PHILIP TEMPEST: Admittedly your grandfather also said I should marry you, but I'm not really the marrying kind of sinister Mephistophelian antihero, sooooooooo how would you feel about sailing off to Europe to live in sin?
ROSAMOND: Counter-question: how would you feel about me throwing myself into the ocean?
PHILIP TEMPEST: lol j/k j/k, I've got a priest right here, I keep him tucked under the deck of my yacht in case of wedding emergencies, we are TOTALLY married now.
This works out about as well for poor Rosamond expected.
ROSAMOND: So ... it turns out Lito is not just a random twelve-year-old you keep around to look decorative, but in fact your SECRET SON --
LITO: This was a surprise to me too! A lot of things about my life have suddenly been brought into concerning question.
ROSAMOND: -- by your actual living wife?
PHILIP TEMPEST: In my defense, I don't keep her locked in an attic?
ROSAMOND: ...
PHILIP TEMPEST: I mean, she's mad, but, like, mad at me for stealing her kid and tricking a hapless teenager into being fake married to me. We could even get divorced, except she won't back down until I let her have her kid back!
ROSAMOND: So...why don't you just give Lito back?
PHILIP TEMPEST: I would, except a.) that would be letting her WIN and b.) after that outburst when he found out he was my kid, we got in a big fight and I buried him secretly down the road, so...
ROSAMOND: ....yeah, I'm out!
So Rosamond, taking her agency into her own hands, sneaks away in the middle of the night! With an increasingly stalkerish Tempest in HOT PURSUIT!
Subsequent adventures involve:
- escaping out Parisian windows in the middle of the night!
- hiding in giant laundry baskets!
- coming this close to eloping with a beautiful opera singer!
- cross-dressing in shepherd cosplay and frolicking with Lito (who it turns out was only metaphorically buried) across the Parisian countryside!
- faking her own death!
- temporarily joining a convent!
- earning the forbidden love of tormented Catholic priest Father Ignatius!
For the record, at first Rosamond is concerned that Father Ignatius might be kind of a creeper, but when he helps her escape from the convent after Tempest shows up -- and, not at all incidentally, throws off his cassock to show off his abs and rowing prowess -- she starts to look at him in a new light.
ROSAMOND: So, Father Ignatius, given the whole fallen woman thing, do you think that maybe if Philip gets his divorce I should just for-real marry --
FATHER IGNATIUS: Rosamond, I'm saying this not because I have a crush, but because I care about and respect you: no matter what happens, NEVER, EVER get back together with that ABUSIVE STALKER.
ROSAMOND: That is startlingly and refreshingly good advice for 1868!
More adventures! Rosamond almost marries a nobleman, then spends some time trapped in a madhouse --
ROSAMOND: I guess it's not a Gothic novel unless someone spends some time trapped in a madhouse/attic/etc.
-- then escapes, then is kidnapped by Tempest for a while again until Father Ignatius pops up once more and SHOVES HIM OFF A CLIFF!
FATHER IGNATIUS: Um, so are you mad that I shoved your ex off a --
ROSAMOND: NO I AM NOT, he's probably not dead anyway, let's please get FAR AWAY before he starts stalking me again! And while we're en route you can tell me your real name because caling you 'Father' is starting to feel a little awkward.
FATHER IGNATIUS: Well, my real name is Bayard Conde --
ROSAMOND: Not the same FAMOUS Bayard Conde who led the student rebels in the most recent doomed French revolution?
FATHER IGNATIUS: I have heard the people sing, yes.
ROSAMOND: You know, I should tell you, I always had kind of an Enjolras thing --
FATHER IGNATIUS: -- ANYWAY NOW I AM A PRIEST AND I THINK YOU SHOULD DEFINITELY STILL CALL ME 'FATHER.' IN A DEFINITELY PLATONIC WAY.
FATHER IGNATIUS: So where do you want to go from here? Back to the convent?
ROSAMOND: Well, after Lito found out that he was Philip's son, he was so into the idea of me being his stepmom that he invited me to come live with him and his mom! And while originally I thought that might be a little awkward, at this point I am so very ready to settle down and join the 'we hate Philip Tempest' club.
FATHER IGNATIUS: Why don't we spend the boat ride posing as FATHER and DAUGHTER?
ROSAMOND: I'm not actually sure our ages are different enough for that to be convincing, but sure, I guess that sounds appropriately platonic!
(CONCERNED TOURIST A: Hmm, I wonder why that obviously banging couple keeps calling each other 'father' and 'daughter'!
CONCERNED TOURIST B: Eh, you know, the French.)
Then the boat ride culminates in some surprise drama with a DETECTIVE, who is hunting down Philip Tempest's evil manservant, who is cross-dressing as a beautiful Spanish lady!
PHILIP TEMPEST'S EVIL MANSERVANT: Rosamond, Philip is DYING and he wants you to come and forgive him!
ROSAMOND: ...seriously? Does he really think I am going to fall for that?
PHILIP TEMPEST'S EVIL MANSERVANT: Ha ha, OK, you got me.
But at last Rosamond makes it to Lito and his mom's place, and Lito's mom is SUPER EXCITED to meet her and welcome her to the We Hate Philip Tempest club, and Lito is SUPER EXCITED to have replaced his terrible dad with two excellent moms (and, presumably, not to have to wear Greek cosplay all the time anymore), and even Father Ignatius seems PRETTY EXCITED to spend the rest of his life living down the street tragically pining (what is Father Ignatius living on? Will he ever have to go back to his actual job as a priest? NOBODY KNOWS) and everything seems like it's about to end reasonably well!
LOUISA MAY ALCOTT: I am sorry for getting your hopes up, friends, but no one in 1868 is going to publish a book where the heroine has a ton of sex out of wedlock and gets away scot-free.
So in the last five pages Philip Tempest lures Rosamond and Ignatius out to visit her grandfather's lonely island and accidentally rams a boat into Rosamond while trying to ram a boat into Ignatius, and Ignatius is like, "well, I'm sad about this, but a.) we will be together in Heaven and b.) ONCE we are in Heaven I won't be a priest, so ... considering the long game, it's still kind of a win?"
To which Philip Tempest throws a giant hissy fit, stabs himself, and shrieks "MINE FIRST--MINE LAST--MINE EVEN IN THE GRAVE!!!!" because of course he does.
And while it is kind of a bummer that Rosamond is narratively doomed, it is also sort of refreshing that Louisa May Alcott does not seem to believe that we should find this in any way romantic, not even a little bit, not even at all.
