(no subject)

[skygiants]

THE JUPITER ASCENDING EXPERIENCE WAS EVERYTHING I WANTED IT TO BE.

If you have an inner fourteen-year-old, and your inner fourteen-year-old loves SPACE and PRINCESSES and ANGSTY HALF-ALBINO HALF-WOLVES WITHOUT SHIRTS WHO ZOOM AROUND ON SPACE ROLLERSKATES and BEES, then run, do not walk, to the theater right now. Do not pass go! Do not read this long and spoilery recap!

So the movie begins with Jarvis from Peggy Carter and Mrs. S. from Orphan Black as cute Russians in love, but alas! Jarvis is killed tragically by something totally irrelevant to the plot, and somehow this results in pregnant Mrs. S. having to immigrate to New York with all of her wacky Russian relatives and work as a cleaning lady with her daughter, Mila Kunis, aka JUPITER JONES, SECRET SPACE PRINCESS.

MEANWHILE, in a galaxy far, far away, evil space prince Eddie Redmayne and his space siblings, Wrinkly Sis and Gap Model Bro, happen to bump into each other on a planet they've just murdered and exchange pleasantries to let us know that they're all evil.

MEANWHILE MEANWHILE, Channing Tatum is zooming around on anti-gravity roller skates, pursued by bounty hunters, in search of ... something. Could it be ... secret space princess Jupiter Jones? POSSIBLY.

However Secret Space Princess Jupiter Jones does not know this as of yet because she's busy being impoverished and waking up at 5 AM to clean toilets, and deciding whether to go along with her wacky Russian cousin's advice and sell her eggs.

WACKY RUSSIAN COUSIN VLADIE: I swear, if you sell your eggs, I will buy something life-changing with this money!
SECRET SPACE PRINCESS JUPITER JONES: ...like what?
WACKY RUSSIAN COUSIN VLADIE: idk, a Playstation?
SECRET SPACE PRINCESS JUPITER JONES: Can I save five thousand dollars to buy the world's most expensive symbolic telescope?
WACKY RUSSIAN COUSIN VLADIE: Sure, why not. Anyway, enjoy your latke dinner.
SECRET SPACE PRINCESS JUPITER JONES: Oh, is that why we had to flee Russia? Because we're Jewish?
WACKY RUSSIAN COUSIN VLADIE: How the hell should I know? What do I look like, the department of backstory?

So Secret Space Princess Jupiter Jones trots into the local hospital, only to find that ALL OF THE NURSES HAVE BEEN REPLACED BY ALIENS WHO WANT TO MURDALIZE HER.

Fortunately, Channing Tatum at this point swoops in on his anti-gravity roller skates to save the day! (This will be a recurring, hilarious, and beautiful theme.)

CHANNING TATUM: Come with me if you want to live!
SECRET SPACE PRINCESS JUPITER JONES: ...I'm not so sure about this...
CHANNING TATUM: What about if I take off my shirt?
SECRET SPACE PRINCESS JUPITER JONES: ....'kay. *___*
CHANNING TATUM: PS I am a half-wolf, half-man, who was abandoned by his pack for being half-albino....
(THE THEATER: what does half-albino even MEAN?
THE WACHOVSKIS: It means our thirteen-year-old niece thought this was SUPER AWESOME is what.)
HALF-WOLF, HALF-MAN, HALF-ALBINO CHANNING TATUM: ...and who is therefore forever and tragically ALONE. WITHOUT A PACK. WHICH I NEED, BECAUSE OF BEING HALF-WOLF.
SECRET SPACE PRINCESS JUPITER JONES: Sure. Cool. So about those abs....shit! The abs are bleeding! Thank goodness the car we have just stolen belongs to a woman!
THE THEATER: Because there's a sewing kit?
SECRET SPACE PRINCESS JUPITER JONES: No, because there are menstrual pads! QUICK, LET ME HOLD THE PAD LOVINGLY TO YOUR ABS!!
HALF-WOLF, HALF-MAN, HALF-ALBINO, FOREVER ALONE CHANNING TATUM: ....

Anyway, Half-Wolf, Half-Man, Half-Albino, Forever Alone Channing Tatum decides that the only safe place to bring Secret Space Princess Jupiter Jones is Sean Bean's House Of Bees. Sean Bean is half-bee in the same way that Channing Tatum is half-wolf (but not half-albino) and is also on Earth. Because reasons. Half-A-Bee Sean Bean and Half-Wolf, Half-Man, Half-Albino, Forever Alone Channing Tatum promptly start beating each other up, while Sean Bean's fanfiction-reading daughter makes suggestive comments. Meanwhile, Secret Space Princess Jupiter Jones is abruptly surrounded by bees! Hordes of bees! Magical dancing bees!

HALF-A-BEE SEAN BEAN: omg Jupiter Jones it turns out you are a SPACE PRINCESS!
NOT-SECRET-ANYMORE SPACE PRINCESS JUPITER JONES: what
HALF-A-BEE SEAN BEAN: Bees can recognize royalty. Also, they never tell lies. These are just facts everyone knows about bees.
SPACE PRINCESS JUPITER JONES: ...
HALF-A-BEE SEAN BEAN: Incidentally, has Half-Wolf, Half-Man, Half-Albino, Forever Alone Channing Tatum told you what got us both kicked out of the army and got our wings cut off?
SPACE PRINCESS JUPITER JONES: Wait, wings?
HALF-A-BEE SEAN BEAN: It's because he totally randomly killed some royalty for no reason! Dude just hates royalty I guess.
SPACE PRINCESS JUPITER JONES: Half-Wolf, Half-Man, Half-Abs -- uh, I mean, Half-Albino Channing Tatum, is this true?
HALF-WOLF, HALF-MAN, HALF-ALBINO, FOREVER ALONE CHANNING TATUM: Yep!
SPACE PRINCESS JUPITER JONES: Well, I guess you had your reasons!
HALF-WOLF, HALF-MAN, HALF-ALBINO, FOREVER ALONE CHANNING TATUM: ...actually no, I kind of didn't? I can't even remember why I killed that guy. Totally weird. Just a sudden savage anti-royalty attack! Your Highness!
SPACE PRINCESS JUPITER JONES: Huh, funny! You know, I also have sudden urges sometimes? Like, urges to hit on hot shirtless, angsty, potentially murderous men? For instance.
HALF-WOLF, HALF-MAN, HALF-ALBINO, FOREVER ALONE CHANNING TATUM: .....I should go.

But before they can explore this any further Space Princess Jupiter Jones gets kidnapped by bounty hunters, and delivered to the first stop on her tour of space royalty, Wrinkly Sis, with Half-Wolf, Half-Man, Half-Albino, Forever Alone Channing Tatum in hot pursuit on his roller skates.

WRINKLY SIS: So Jupiter Jones, you are probably wondering WHAT makes you a space princess, exactly, given that none of the rest of your wacky Russian family appear to be royalty.
SPACE PRINCESS JUPITER JONES: Yes I was wondering this!
WRINKLY SIS: Well, the thing is, by a billion-to-one chance, you are an exact genetic copy of my mother! Actually this kind of thing happens all the time. People put provisions in their wills for it. Anyway, I hope we can have a great relationship, New Mom.
SPACE PRINCESS JUPITER JONES: ... I don't know if I'm comfortable with this ...
WRINKLY SIS: Also let me demonstrate to you our miracle regeneration bathtubs which are totally not in any way powered by the lives of the innocent!
SPACE PRINCESS JUPITER JONES: ... I mean while I appreciate the demo I really wish you would put your clothes back on ... especially if you think I'm your mom reincarnated ...
NO-LONGER-WRINKLY SIS: Ha ha ha oh darling, if you think this is an awkward and potentially incestuous moment we're having, just WAIT until you meet my brothers. Now go put in your legal claim to Earth, which, for the record, you own, and have a nice day! :D

We pause here for a wacky comedy interlude while some Space Cops take Space Princess Jupiter Jones over to navigate the labyrinthine requirements of Space Bureaucracy to take legal ownership of Earth!

...and also for some more romance between Half-Wolf, Half-Man, Half-Albino, Forever Alone Channing Tatum and Space Princess Jupiter Jones, who is NOT GIVING UP on those abs.

SPACE PRINCESS JUPITER JONES: So about this compulsion you have to attack royalty...
HALF-WOLF, HALF-MAN, HALF-ALBINO, FOREVER ALONE CHANNING TATUM: ...yes...?
SPACE PRINCESS JUPITER JONES: Does it extend to wanting to attack my lips? Maybe ... with your lips? :D :D :D
HALF-WOLF, HALF-MAN, HALF-ALBINO, FOREVER ALONE CHANNING TATUM, IN THE BEST LINE FROM THE TRAILER: You don't understand! I have more in common with a DOG than I have with you!
SPACE PRINCESS JUPITER JONES, IN THE OTHER BEST LINE FROM THE TRAILER: I love dogs! I've always loved dogs! :D :D :D
HALF-WOLF, HALF-MAN, HALF-ALBINO, FOREVER ALONE CHANNING TATUM: Your Majesty ...
SPACE PRINCESS JUPITER JONES: You know, it feels weird when other people call me Your Majesty, but when you say it ... it seems really hot? It seems really hot.
(THE THEATER: Space Princess Jupiter Jones, we are all learning SO MUCH about you right now.)

...after which Space Princess Jupiter Jones is promptly kidnapped by her second stop on the space royalty tour, Gap Model Brother, assisted by a tip-off from Half-A-Bee Sean Bean.

GAP MODEL BRO: Hey, sexy, can I call you Mom?
SPACE PRINCESS JUPITER JONES: ... please don't.
(SEVERAL PEOPLE IN THE THEATER, AUDIBLY: Ewwwww!)
GAP MODEL BRO: In other news, I have a terrible secret to tell you! These miracle regeneration bathtubs ... are MADE OF PEOPLE!
SPACE PRINCESS JUPITER JONES: That's so terrible I'm almost distracted from how uncomfortable I am right now!
GAP MODEL BRO: Great! Well, I'm very concerned about the planets I own being turned into miracle generation bathtubs, so to make sure that doesn't happen, why don't we ... GET MARRIED?
(ONE PERSON IN THE THEATER, AUDIBLY: Dude, she's your mom!)

SPACE PRINCESS JUPITER JONES: Umm, so this plan makes me uncomfortable on a number of levels, but first off, what happened to my dog? I mean, my abs? I mean, my friend Channing Tatum?
GAP MODEL BRO: I have totally not just jettisoned him out an airlock, why do you ask? ANYWAY let's plan a fabulous wedding! :D :D :D

But fortunately, Half-Wolf, Half-Man, Half-Albino, Forever Alone Channing Tatum carries portable spacesuits with him at all times and therefore he is perfectly comfortable floating in space until the Space Cops come pick him up.

CHIEF AWESOME LADY SPACE COP: And here also is Half-A-Bee Sean Bean, that jerk.
HALF-A-BEE SEAN BEAN: I am very sorry I bee-trayed you. :(
HALF-WOLF, HALF-MAN, HALF-ALBINO, FOREVER ALONE CHANNING TATUM: How could you do it?!
HALF-A-BEE SEAN BEAN: You see I needed money for my daughter, who is very sick with bee flu.
HALF-WOLF, HALF-MAN, HALF-ALBINO, FOREVER ALONE CHANNING TATUM: Oh, well, man, I get that. We're cool.
CHIEF AWESOME LADY SPACE COP: ...seriously? That's it? You're cool with that?
HALF-WOLF, HALF-MAN, HALF-ALBINO, FOREVER ALONE CHANNING TATUM: Yes, everyone knows bees never lie. That's just a thing everyone knows about bees. Anyway, TO THE RESCUE!

And then Channing Tatum anti-gravity roller blades his way to rescue Jupiter from her terrible wedding to Gap Model Bro, which is taking place in a SPACE MANSION covered in GIANT GOLDEN STATUES OF SPACE GODS, and everything is sparkles and light and space battle wedding amazingness.

MEANWHILE, back on Earth, Space Princess Jupiter Jones' relatives are all VERY DISAPPOINTED in her wacky cousin for trying to convince her to sell her eggs and then (presumably) leading her to run away.

SPACE PRINCESS JUPITER JONES' WACKY RUSSIAN UNCLE, IN A DIRECT QUOTE: You don't treat your cousin like a chicken!!!

However this amazing piece of family drama is interrupted by the minions of Evil Space Prince Eddie Redmayne, who proceed to kidnap every single one of Space Princess Jupiter Jones' decidedly non-space-royal relatives and carry them away.

EVIL SPACE PRINCE EDDIE REDMAYNE: All you have to do is walk into my lair, sign over your deed to Earth, and let me chew some scenery, and then I will totally let you and your family go!
SPACE PRINCESS JUPITER JONES: Somehow this seems less than plausible ... also, hey, what about those plans to turn all the people on my planet into miracle regeneration bathtubs?
EVIL SPACE PRINCE EDDIE REDMAYNE: Oh, Mom, why you always gotta be so difficult? So beautiful ... and so difficult .... I love you, and I hate you ...
SPACE PRINCESS JUPITER JONES: WHAT IS WITH ALL THESE PEOPLE AND THEIR MOTHER ISSUES????

This is now all taking place in Evil Space Prince Eddie Redmayne's volcanic space lair, by the way, above which Half-A-Bee Sean Bean, Chief Awesome Lady Space Cop, and Half-Wolf, Half-Man, Half-Albino, Forever Alone Channing Tatum are all sitting around twiddling their thumbs.

HALF-A-BEE SEAN BEAN: So this is about the point in the movie where I'd usually go down to the volcanic planet and die.
HALF-WOLF, HALF-MAN, HALF-ALBINO, FOREVER ALONE CHANNING TATUM: Yes, that is true.
HALF-A-BEE SEAN BEAN: HOWEVER, Half-Wolf, Half-Man, Half-Albino, Forever Alone Channing Tatum, let me tell you something: you have imprinted on that girl. She is your PACK. She's what you've been LOOKING FOR ALL THESE YEARS. The heart is a LONELY HUNTER and you have HONED IN.
HALF-WOLF, HALF-MAN, HALF-ALBINO, FOREVER ALONE CHANNING TATUM: ...so what you're saying is...?
HALF-A-BEE SEAN BEAN: It is YOUR turn to go down to the volcanic planet and risk dying tragically in an explosion, buddy. Not me. Not Half-A-Bee Sean Bean. NOT THIS DAY. I'M GONNA LIVE.
CHIEF AWESOME LADY SPACE COP: Word to that.

So once more, Half-Wolf, Half-Man, Half-Albino, Forever Alone Channing Tatum dons his anti-gravity roller skates and zooms in to the rescue! Just as Space Princess Jupiter Jones has triumphantly refused to sign away her title to Earth! And then everyone flails around the collapsing planet for a while, and Evil Space Prince Eddie Redmayne and Space Princess Jupiter Jones whack at each other with pipes while Evil Space Prince Eddie Redmayne chews on every single piece of falling scenery and overshares about his feelings about his mother --

SPACE PRINCESS JUPITER JONES, THE MOST FRUSTRATED SHE HAS EVER BEEN: I am not your damn mother!

-- and then they almost die but they totally don't! And Half-A-Bee Sean Bean doesn't die either! And Jupiter Jones still owns Earth and is still a space princess!

...but is also still a janitor? Because now that she's had a taste of the wacky space world out there with all its evil turning-planets-into-regeneration-bathtub ways, she'd rather just clean the toilets, thanks. THAT'S FINE. EVERYTHING IS FINE.

And everything is especially fine because Half-Wolf, Half-Man, Half-Albino but no longer forever alone Channing Tatum has come to take her on a hot rooftop date and NOW HE HAS GIANT BLACK WINGS, and he calls her 'Your Majesty' and then GIVES HER HIS ANTI-GRAVITY ROLLER SKATES and they frolic together through the air of New York (eta: or rather, Chicago!) and NONE OF US CAN BREATHE FOR LAUGHING BECAUSE HALF-WOLF, HALF-MAN, HALF-ALBINO CHANNING TATUM HAS LITERAL WINGS NOW, HE HAS LITERAL WINGS.

This movie has maybe given me more joy than anything else this year so far. I am desperately hoping for a sequel in which:

- Space Princess Jupiter Jones leads a space revolution
- all of her wacky Russian relatives move into a space palace, I don't care which space palace, ANY SPACE PALACE IS FINE
- Sean Bean also has wings now, except they are BEE-AUTIFUL BUZZY BEE WINGS

Comments

[gogollescent]

HALF-A-BEE SEAN BEAN: I am very sorry I bee-trayed you. :(

thank you

[gogollescent]

my favorite thing about the pipe-whacking scene is how, in a movie full of half-albino half-dog half-ninja-turtle half-dragons, our filmmakers decided that the climactic final battle properly belonged--to "the janitor" and "the whispering noodle"

I mean I buy that scrubbing toilets and giving sincere, non-pushy, well-thought-out romantic advice to wealthy ditzes could build muscles. But the noodle thing is... really beyond repair.

[etirabys]

OKAY. OKAY. THIS IS SO BEAUTIFUL. THIS IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL REVIEW I HAVE SEEN OF THIS MOVIE, AND I HAVE SEEN QUITE A FEW OF BEAUTIFUL REVIEWS OF JUPITER ASCENDING.

also you just confirmed for me that some (MOST) of plot lines were actually left lazily dangling or unexplained, which, thank god, I thought it was partways a failure on... my part...

Anyway I had so, so much fun describing this movie to my friends who hadn't seen it when I got back from the theater.

[skygiants]

YOU SHOULD LINK ME TO THE OTHER BEAUTIFUL REVIEWS :D :D :D I haven't read any yet, I was trying not to be spoiled! (I was a little bit spoiled.) (I knew Sean Bean was a bee.)

Also, man, I am not sure there was a single plotline that wasn't left dangling or unexplained. Maybe the egg-selling thing? I guess that was pretty well wrapped up. Don't tell your cousin to sell her eggs! A valuable moral for us all.

[shati]

bee-trayed

[skygiants]

There were like five more bee puns that I almost put in and I expect copious praise for my restraint.

[ceitfianna]

Seeing this movie is on my list for this week. I need this whatever it is in my life.

[skygiants]

YOU DO. EVERYONE DOES. We are talking about going to go see it again, in 3-D, with more booze. It's that kind of magic.

[graycardinal]

Now see, this movie has broken my brain and I haven't even seen it yet...

...because I will forever associate the name "Jupiter Jones" with the literary character from the Three Investigators mystery series created by Robert Arthur and originally framed by Alfred Hitchcock. Who is clearly not, never has been, and never will be a Space Princess.

[I wonder if there's a trademark infringement case in there somewhere....]

[skygiants]

I am sorry, Investigator of the Three Investigators, but I fear you have been DISPLACED by the collective id power of three million teenage girls.

[rushthatspeaks]

I am absolutely convinced-- and there is no point in trying to tell me otherwise-- that at some point in this movie there was a story conference that went approximately as follows:

PERSON WITH A GREAT DEAL OF MONEY: But what about it having, y'know, appeal to the intellectual side of things?

A WACHOWSKI SIBLING: Okay, so the film is called Jupiter Ascending, right?

PWAGDOM: So you said.

PICK A WACHOWSKI: But-- this is the cool part-- basically EVERY SINGLE ACTION SEQUENCE will feature her FALLING OFF THINGS! Until the VERY LAST ONE when she will CLIMB A LOT OF LADDERS and then get in a spaceship which will GO UPWARDS! :D :D :D ?

PWAGDOM: My God! It's not just symbolism, it's-- it's-- DRAMATIC IRONY! *writes large check, weeping with joy*

THE SAME OR POSSIBLY A DIFFERENT WACHOWSKI: IKNOWRITE?!! :D

This story conference happened. I would bet money on it.

Oh, and the third dude's People Refinery is literally inside the Great Red Spot on Jupiter. It took me a while to pick up on that, but it is. So Jupiter ASCENDS WHILE ON JUPITER tip your waitress the literary analysts will be here all week.

I insist on a sequel SPACE REVOLUTION WITH SEAN BEAN WINGS.

I mean, this was a movie in which Half-Wolf, Half-Man, Half-Albino, Just Enough Dude Channing Tatum had to stack a pile of suspended-animation little old Russian ladies wearing purple leopard camo hot pants into a transporter thingie in the middle of an exploding-and-on-fire refinery right out of Star Wars. I did not know I wanted to pay money to see that! But here we are!

The sequel gets MANY, MANY BONUS POINTS if she puts her Werewolf Space Marine on a leash and confirms what we are all thinking.

[kore]

this was a movie in which Half-Wolf, Half-Man, Half-Albino, Just Enough Dude Channing Tatum had to stack a pile of suspended-animation little old Russian ladies wearing purple leopard camo hot pants into a transporter thingie in the middle of an exploding-and-on-fire refinery right out of Star Wars. I did not know I wanted to pay money to see that! But here we are!

....okay I'm going to see this twice

[kore]

CHANNING TATUM: PS I am a half-wolf, half-man, who was abandoned by his pack for being half-albino....
(THE THEATER: what does half-albino even MEAN?
THE WACHOVSKIS: It means our thirteen-year-old niece thought this was SUPER AWESOME is what.)

I AM GOING TO SEE THIS IN THE THEATRE.

[skygiants]

SEEING IT IN THE THEATER WAS THE BEST LIFE CHOICE I'VE MADE THIS YEAR

[genarti]

I LOVE EVERYTHING AND EVERYTHING IS BEAUTIFUL

Also for the record Evil Space Prince Eddie Redmayne's refinery was not on a volcanic planet. I am like 99% sure that it was, literally, on Jupiter. In the middle of the Great Red Spot, as far as I can tell, or possibly underneath it. That was never said onscreen or anything, but that is Jupiter with its Great Red Spot that Channing Tatum did an angsty self-sacrificing space-rollerblading swan dive into.

I was confused by the logistics of how she stuck the pad on him, also. I appreciated the moment enormously, but the sticky side... has plastic on it, Jupiter...

Also also I love how much of this review reads as, like, wacky lulzy parody that picks out and exaggerates the silly bits, and NO. NO ALL OF THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED, SOME OF IT VERBATIM. I'm still full of hilarity. This movie is beautiful. I'm pretty sure they literally let a twelve-year-old who goes by Raevynn Skyfyre on ff.net write the basic plot, and very seriously Axe Copped it up. Everything is beautiful and full of Swarovski crystals.

[thewickedlady]

Yeah, I think it was supposed to be the Red Spot on Jupiter as well!

I LOVED IT SO. My stomach is sore from laughing this morning. I pre-ordered the blu-ray. TAKE MY MONEY, YOU BEAUTIFUL LOLOLOLOL FIC IN MOVIE FORM!!!

I was trying to be a well behaved movie goer last night, BUT IT COULD NOT BE CONTAINED.

"BUT THAT'S YOUR MOM!!!!!"

"Noooooooo, don't make out with that."

"THAT IS NOT HOW THE VACUUM OF SPACE WORKS!!!"

"OMG, HE LIVED?!?!?!"

[oracne]

I WANT SEAN BEEEAN'S WINGS. ALL THE FIC, STAT.

[jinian]

They are clearly bee wings!

[scifantasy]

We pause here for a wacky comedy interlude while some Space Cops take Space Princess Jupiter Jones over to navigate the labyrinthine requirements of Space Bureaucracy to take legal ownership of Earth!

Featuring Terry Gilliam, master of comical bureaucracy with sinister undertones, as the Seals and Signets guy who provides the sinister undertones to the comical bureaucracy section.

[skygiants]

I TOTALLY didn't catch that was him until littledust pointed it out afterwards, but ... of course. Of course.

(Also, Android Bob was incredibly familiar to me and I couldn't figure out why, until I realized I last saw him playing Viola in an extremely high-profile all-male Twelfth Night.)

[littledust]

I present: this 8tracks playlist.

I... am going to be in this fandom for the foreseeable and lulzy future.

[skygiants]

omg, Kelsey, I listened to the whole thing this afternoon at work and now I'm listening again. IT'S PERFECTION *___*

[buymeaclue]

HALF-A-BEE SEAN BEAN: I am very sorry I bee-trayed you. :(

This made me laugh way harder than was appropriate for the very quiet library in which I read this post.

[skygiants]

IT'S OK THOUGH, CHANNING TATUM BEE-LIEVES IN HIM.

[hokuton_punch]

I really, really enjoyed this dumb movie. *_________* SEQUEL WITH SPACE REVOLUTION, YES PLEASE. (The friend I went to see it with was very let down by the ending, but I thought it was pretty obvious Jupiter was eventually going to go back into space and do something about the Regenex - just, you know, after she'd had time to learn more about how the hell everything worked and could actually make a workable plan instead of having to crawl around refineries with pipes or almost marrying her not-son...)

[skygiants]

Right! RESEARCH IS REQUIRED before they can all jump into the squel. Research and training time, although admittedly she is probably going to need to work on her schedule some to fit that in around the full days of cleaning and nights of flying gleefully around the city with her WINGED WEREWOLF BOYFRIEND.

[aquamirage]

IT IS TAKING ALL OF MY SELF-CONTROL NOT TO READ THIS

I HAVE NEVER WANTED TO SEE ANYTHING MORE IN MY LIFE

[skygiants]

I CAN'T WAIT FOR YOU TO SEE IT, PLEASE TEXT ME IMMEDIATELY AS SOON AS YOU DO

[ravengown]

This is a really glorious review (I totally missed Sean Bean being a bee--) but one slight correction-- the Earth city scenes were in Chicago, not NYC!

(I can't help it, I'm from the area and that was one of the things that made me stupidly excited orz)

(Also I've been lurking here forever, hello!)

[skygiants]

Oh man, good call, I was wondering! I didn't recognize anything in the city scenes, but since they never said (and ... I'm a self-centered New Yorker at heart) I always default to the assumption of New York.

(I know how you feel though, under the layer of self-centered New Yorkness I'm actually a Philadelphian and I would be over the MOON if it was set in Philadelphia.)

(Also, hi and welcome! :D)

[bobcatmoran]

Oh my gosh, I already wanted to see this movie so badly, but now I want to see it EVEN MORE.

Your recaps are always the best.

[skygiants]

PLEASE GO SEE IT. I could only capture the smallest fraction of the beauty of this film. Some roller skates have to be seen to be believed.

[endeni]

OMG this is hilarious! Thank you so much fro sharing!

[skygiants]

Haha, thank you! I LOVE THIS MOVIE.

[ninjapenguin]

Okay, so someone needs to vid this to TMBG's "Call You Mom", right?

[skygiants]

Oh my god. YES. IMMEDIATELY.

[sophia_sol]

I just saw Jupiter Ascending last night and omg I can't believe that this is a genuine accurate non-exaggerated summary of what happens. WHAT A GREAT MOVIE.

[skygiants]

I don't know why everyone is always surprised that my summary is accurate! I am but an honest reporter of the truth. :O

(This movie is so gold. SO GOLD.)

[grav_ity]

HAVE YOU SEEN PICTURES OF THE SEAN BEAN WINGS?

Because I have not, and I really, really want to.

[skygiants]

I HAVE NOT but I desperately, desperately hope there are photomanips or fanart or SOMETHING. There must be, right? Right??

[fahye]

Becca, I can't believe you made it through that entire recap without once seizing the chance to write the words SEAN BEE-N, I am so disappointed in you.

I JUST SAW IT TODAY and I agree with ALL OF THE ABOVE especially the need for a sequel wherein Jupiter leads a space revolution against her creepy not!children and her wacky family gets to live in a space palace. We've decided that the way she slowly works her way out from janitorhood is by pretending Werewolf Space Marine Channing Tatum is like, a billionaire, and she puts on a whole big Pretty Woman/Fifty Shades of Obedience Kink act for her family's sake and wow look suddenly she has all this money! let's all stop cleaning toilets!

also I would like an entire TV show about the SPACE COPS (the Aegis? whatever) because they were my favourite

[skygiants]

I'D ALREADY SEEN THAT JOKE AND DIDN'T WANT TO STEAL IT, is why. The problem with not having seen this movie until two weeks after it came out is I had to work harder for my bee puns!

hahahahahaha omg. I mean. I'd read that fic. I WOULD ALSO WATCH THAT SHOW. Captain Tsing fights space crime! With her bee-man at her side! And her ... robot lady whatever those people with metal faces were on her other side! Like Star Trek, but EVEN SPARKLIER.

[happydork]

HAHAHA YOU HAVE WRITTEN THE BEST OF ALL REVIEWS! :D

I am very sorry I bee-trayed you. :(

I cannot tell you how happy this pun made me.

Ha ha ha oh darling, if you think this is an awkward and potentially incestuous moment we're having, just WAIT until you meet my brothers.

That's it, that's the film.

[skygiants]

hahaha man I dunno, I think your description of Eddie Redmayne's artful scenery nomming is better and funnier than anything I wrote here!

I like to imagine Kalique Abrasax spending the rest of the movie leaning back and in her people bath and judging how tackily her brothers are tackling their Oedipus complexes, like, "come on, guys, I kept it classy, a little skin here, a little caress there...if she'd stayed with me it would've been a freaking French art film."

[nny]

How did I miss this I love you

[skygiants]

I'm so happy you too have experienced this treasure of a film

[kore]

OMG I SAW IT

IT WAS AMAZING

[sanguinity]

I held off reading this until I could see it, and so I knew nothing besides IT IS EVERYTHING YOU HEARD ALL OF IT EVERYTHING IS TRUE. Where "everything" was always behind a spoiler-cut, but sometimes there was talk of bees and space princesses and perhaps space-unicorns? It was all incoherent but also ENTHUSIASTIC.

BUT NOW I HAVE COME BACK AND IT WAS AMAZING ALL OF IT AND NOW I GET TO READ ALL THE THINGS AND MAYBE I WILL SEE IT AGAIN ALL THE THINGS WHY DON'T I HAVE TURBO-BOOST ON MY CAPSLOCK OMG ALL THE THINGS

[skygiants]

oh man, I HAVE ALREADY SEEN IT TWICE, I would have seen it again today except I had a Skype meeting instead, and, man, in the week and a half since my first viewing my love for this movie has only grown. Unlike many things, it gets MORE GLORIOUS the more you look at it!