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[skygiants]

So I picked up the autobiography of Renaissance goldsmith/artist/sculptor Benvenuto Cellini. I expected something reasonably interesting - it is the Renaissance, after all - but man, guys, I did not even have an idea.

As presented in his autobiography, an average day in the life of Benvenuto Cellini goes pretty much like this:

9 AM: Wake up. Do some goldsmithing.
10 AM: Receive a dozen sonnets posted to his door on the glory of his latest piece of artwork.
11 AM: Receive an awesome commission from the Pope!
12 PM: Get challenged to an art duel by a rival artist, generally considered to be the best person in his field who ever lived.
1 PM: Get insulted in the marketplace by a dude who is totally jealous of him.
2 PM: KILL THAT DUDE.
3 PM: Dash off some sketches for the art duel. Have EVERYONE IN THE WORLD agree that his sketches are TEN TIMES awesomer than the rival artist's. Sorry, famous rival artist! (Benvenuto Cellini seems to have considered himself kind of the Bobby Flay of Renaissance art.)
4 PM: Get sued for sodomy.
5 PM: Get huffy with the Pope because the guy just won't pay him enough
6 PM: Get badmouthed to the Pope by another dude who is totally jealous of him ("HEY POPE," the dude says, "I HEARD BENVENUTO CELLINI SAID YOU WERE UGLY AND YOUR HAT LOOKED STUPID." You think I am kidding, but I am not.)
7 PM: Flee Rome on charges of homicide for killing that dude earlier, also because now the Pope wants to murder him
8 PM: Be fought over by various noblemen who are like, "I want to save Benvenuto from the Pope!" "No, no, I am going to save Benvenuto from the Pope!" Benvento is all, "Gentlemen, please."
9 PM: Get in a fight with some dudes on the road. Charge at them shouting "I WILL KILL YOU ALL!"
10 PM: Go to a dinner party! Hear some dude badmouth his buddy Michaelangelo, the Awesomest Artist Ever to Awesome. CHALLENGE THAT DUDE TO A DUEL.
11 PM: Get overcharged at an inn. Ponder whether he would rather KILL THE INNKEEPER or SET THE PLACE ON FIRE.
12 AM: Magnanimously decide just to chop up all the beds in the inn with his sword. (And then flee.)
1 AM: Have a great idea for a new piece of goldsmithing!

That is just an average day. On an above-average day, Benvenuto Cellini saves the entire city of Rome from an attacking army single-handed. On a below-average day, Benvenuto Cellini gets thrown into prison with a mad castellan who is convinced that he (the castellan) is a bat. That's okay, though, because Benvenuto Cellini can just escape on a rope made out of bedsheets!

(And I did not even mention the magical salamander, the necromancy, all the times he accidentally walked in on the Duchess of Florence while she was changing, or the briefly-mentioned fact that after seeing a magical vision of God he started finding a halo around his head between the hours of 8 AM and 10 AM in the morning. The edition I had was full of illustrations by Salvador Dali. None of them were more surreal than the actual text.)

Basically I have come to three conclusions after reading this autobiography:
1. Benvenuto Cellini was a TERRIBLE PERSON
2. Benvenuto Cellini was a genuinely amazing artist, because otherwise nobody would ever have put up with him
3. Benvenuto Cellini was the preincarnation of Chuck Norris

Comments

[skygiants]

(The book would probably be even more lolarious to a medievalist! I am thinking in particular of the part where Benvenuto Cellini has a vision of the Madonna, and then writes an epic poem proclaiming that no one has EVER had such an AWESOME MADONNA VISION before, yes that's right, not only is he the best goldsmith ever and the best sculptor ever and most badass arquebusier ever, he is ALSO the MOST VISIONARY PERSON ever. WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY ABOUT THAT, WORLD.)