(no subject)

[skygiants]

So I picked up the autobiography of Renaissance goldsmith/artist/sculptor Benvenuto Cellini. I expected something reasonably interesting - it is the Renaissance, after all - but man, guys, I did not even have an idea.

As presented in his autobiography, an average day in the life of Benvenuto Cellini goes pretty much like this:

9 AM: Wake up. Do some goldsmithing.
10 AM: Receive a dozen sonnets posted to his door on the glory of his latest piece of artwork.
11 AM: Receive an awesome commission from the Pope!
12 PM: Get challenged to an art duel by a rival artist, generally considered to be the best person in his field who ever lived.
1 PM: Get insulted in the marketplace by a dude who is totally jealous of him.
2 PM: KILL THAT DUDE.
3 PM: Dash off some sketches for the art duel. Have EVERYONE IN THE WORLD agree that his sketches are TEN TIMES awesomer than the rival artist's. Sorry, famous rival artist! (Benvenuto Cellini seems to have considered himself kind of the Bobby Flay of Renaissance art.)
4 PM: Get sued for sodomy.
5 PM: Get huffy with the Pope because the guy just won't pay him enough
6 PM: Get badmouthed to the Pope by another dude who is totally jealous of him ("HEY POPE," the dude says, "I HEARD BENVENUTO CELLINI SAID YOU WERE UGLY AND YOUR HAT LOOKED STUPID." You think I am kidding, but I am not.)
7 PM: Flee Rome on charges of homicide for killing that dude earlier, also because now the Pope wants to murder him
8 PM: Be fought over by various noblemen who are like, "I want to save Benvenuto from the Pope!" "No, no, I am going to save Benvenuto from the Pope!" Benvento is all, "Gentlemen, please."
9 PM: Get in a fight with some dudes on the road. Charge at them shouting "I WILL KILL YOU ALL!"
10 PM: Go to a dinner party! Hear some dude badmouth his buddy Michaelangelo, the Awesomest Artist Ever to Awesome. CHALLENGE THAT DUDE TO A DUEL.
11 PM: Get overcharged at an inn. Ponder whether he would rather KILL THE INNKEEPER or SET THE PLACE ON FIRE.
12 AM: Magnanimously decide just to chop up all the beds in the inn with his sword. (And then flee.)
1 AM: Have a great idea for a new piece of goldsmithing!

That is just an average day. On an above-average day, Benvenuto Cellini saves the entire city of Rome from an attacking army single-handed. On a below-average day, Benvenuto Cellini gets thrown into prison with a mad castellan who is convinced that he (the castellan) is a bat. That's okay, though, because Benvenuto Cellini can just escape on a rope made out of bedsheets!

(And I did not even mention the magical salamander, the necromancy, all the times he accidentally walked in on the Duchess of Florence while she was changing, or the briefly-mentioned fact that after seeing a magical vision of God he started finding a halo around his head between the hours of 8 AM and 10 AM in the morning. The edition I had was full of illustrations by Salvador Dali. None of them were more surreal than the actual text.)

Basically I have come to three conclusions after reading this autobiography:
1. Benvenuto Cellini was a TERRIBLE PERSON
2. Benvenuto Cellini was a genuinely amazing artist, because otherwise nobody would ever have put up with him
3. Benvenuto Cellini was the preincarnation of Chuck Norris

Comments

[tiltingheartand]

BUT WAIT what happened to the sodomy charges?

[skygiants]

I don't know! According to Wikpedia he got charged with sodomy like five times, but he only ever makes offhand irritated mention of it. There is a long description of the time he dressed his handsome next-door-neighbor up as a girl and took him to one of Michaelangelo's parties, though!

[tiltingheartand]

...

This is cementing in my mind the fact that I need to go find and read this book.

[skygiants]

My favorite part about that anecdote is that when Benvenuto Cellini goes over to the next-door-neighbor's and is like, "I would like to put you in a dress!" the neighbor is just like "HELL YEAH! :D" and does not get around to asking why for like another three hours.

[evil-little-dog.livejournal.com]

Oh, those Medievalists.

[littledust.livejournal.com]

Oh man, I have to read this book. More importantly, so does my history teacher friend. *_*

[skygiants]

Dude, anyone who is interested in the Renaissance needs to read this book. Benvenuto Cellini definitely has what you would call a unique perspective on history.

[gramarye1971]

I would add:

4. Kate Beaton needs to do a half-dozen comics on Benvenuto Cellini.

[wickedtrue.livejournal.com]

*STARRY EYED*

I would TATTOO that onto my chest!!!

[skygiants]

SO, SO TRUE. I was thinking that every time I turned a page!

[cursor-mundi.livejournal.com]

*starry eyes* (Also, I read your summation aloud to a fellow medievalist, and it cracked us up!)

[skygiants]

(The book would probably be even more lolarious to a medievalist! I am thinking in particular of the part where Benvenuto Cellini has a vision of the Madonna, and then writes an epic poem proclaiming that no one has EVER had such an AWESOME MADONNA VISION before, yes that's right, not only is he the best goldsmith ever and the best sculptor ever and most badass arquebusier ever, he is ALSO the MOST VISIONARY PERSON ever. WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY ABOUT THAT, WORLD.)

[mercuriazs.livejournal.com]

*SHRIEK*

WHERE CAN I OBTAIN THIS BOOK???

[skygiants]

YOUR LIBRARY MAYBE

OR, as I have just discovered, ON PROJECT GUTENBERG >:D >:D >:D

[oneechan19.livejournal.com]

3. Benvenuto Cellini was the preincarnation of Chuck Norris

*is dead from laughing so hard*

[skygiants]

Bevenuto Cellini's tears CURED THE PLAGUE. Too bad he never cried. ;_;

[evil-little-dog.livejournal.com]

I THINK I MUST READ THIS BOOK RIGHT NOW FOR THE SHEER PLEASURE OF ASSHATTERY. I wonder if the library has it/can get it for me.

[skygiants]

He's SUCH a hilarious asshat! I still can't get over the part where his first reaction to "the stupid innkeeper overcharged me" is "SET THE PLACE ON FIRE!"

If the library falls down, there is always Project Gutenberg. :D?

[evil-little-dog.livejournal.com]

I like the 'SET THE PLACE ON FIRE!' attitude. It's so...over the top. XD

Mmmm...I'm afraid I might get lost at Project Gutenberg and people would never hear from me again....

[skygiants]

My favorite may be the one time that his friends actually talk him into suing a guy instead of just running out and stabbing him, and Cellini is just like "WHAT A WASTE OF TIME. WE'D ALL BE BETTER OFF IF I JUST KILLED THIS JERK." (In my head, Cellini always talks in ALLCAPS.)

This is always a danger, it's true. It's as bad as TVTropes in its own way.

[evil-little-dog.livejournal.com]

Yeaaaaah...or fanfiction, or scouring DA for new art or....

[ojuzu.livejournal.com]

This sounds HILARIOUSLY AWESOME. :D

Also also also I just finished the second Twelve Kingdoms book and . . . WOW. You know that thing where you think, halfway through a story, "I don't know what they're going to do, but if they did this that would be really awesome!" and then they do it? THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED. ♥

[skygiants]

Sometimes I just love history, man.

TWELVE KINGDOMS. <33333333 Those books somehow always manage to do that for me! I wish to marry Fuyumi Ono and have her genre-deconstructing babies. (I also love the second book extra for the part where everyone yells at Keiki for making the baby kirin cry. LOLARIOUS.)

[ojuzu.livejournal.com]

Ahaha, I loved that bit! :D I actually didn't like Keiki too much in the first book (although we only saw him like twice) but now I have him in my head as this adorable older-brother figure who is nice but very traditional and sometimes kind of terrifying. My esteem for him shot up by about five times after he tried to comfort Taiki about the whole 'fake king' thing, and failed epically, because right then I put down the book and said "Keiki, you're really not that great at this whole 'laying troubled minds to rest' thing. You should have brought the Ever-King of En with you, he can fix anything!" and THE VERY NEXT PAGE had him doing exactly that. ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

You know a book is good when you figure out what's going to happen and then when you read it it's even more awesome than you imagined. (And the next book is about Enki! YES YES YES. \o/)

[skygiants]

Yeah, I did not care about Keiki in the first book at all, but I started loving him in the second book when I realized that Keiki is not the sexy stoic bishonen, Keiki is just a guy who suffers from epic adorable lack of social skills. He tries so hard! And he is SO TERRIBLE at all social interaction. *giggling* (Because I'm mean, I also kind of loved how Keiki Learning How To Be a Nicer Person kind of led directly to the downfall of his kingdom, whoops.)

OMG the Enki book! YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE IT.

[the_croupier]

...When I think how many books I've read about the Renaissance/early modern Europe that weren't that entertaining, I just want to headdesk.

Caravaggio could have kept up with him, though. Except Caravaggio's days were mostly about playing tennis, brawling, painting brilliant masterworks, more brawling, drinking obscene amounts of... all kinds of things, and running people through with whatever blades were close to hand.

Fun times!

[skygiants]

If there was one thing that Benvenuto Cellini's life story was lacking, it was epic tennis games, I will freely admit!

[elle-white.livejournal.com]

I've always been interested in the Renaissance era.

He sounds like a fascinating fellow to say the least!

[skygiants]

Fascinating, certainly! Total jerk, also certainly! But a very interesting jerk, at least inasmuch as his stories are true, which, at least most of the homicides seem to be provable!

[obopolsk.livejournal.com]

"The preincarnation of Chuck Norris" is an amazing phrase.

[skygiants]

Thank you! It is one that I believe Benevenuto Cellini worked very hard to earn.

[ethelflaed.livejournal.com]

I did not know about this book at all until yesterday, and now I find that I must lay hold of it as soon as possible.

(My solution to minor annoyances is always to set things on fire! You never have to deal with those problems again, let me tell you. . . .)

[skygiants]

It is my goal to always be helpful in matters like this! :D

(It's true! You just have a few minor other problems to deal with. Like arson charges.)

[genarti]

I think the only word for this is EPIC.

[skygiants]

Apparently there is both an opera and a Broadway play based on this guy's life. I NEED THEM.

[genarti]

*____________*

It's as if they were MADE JUST FOR YOU.

[skygiants]

Sometimes the world conspires to arrange itself to please me, it's true. *serene*

[schiarire.livejournal.com]

That is why artists are AWESOME!

[skygiants]

AND TERRIFYING

[agonistes]

*ships Benvenuto Cellini/Sei Shonagon*

[skygiants]

Sei Shonagon would clean the floor with Benvenuto Cellini.

[lacewood]

/adds this to mental list of books to check out ONE FINE DAY

(My money's on conclusion 3 XD)

[skygiants]

(If there is ever a film version of his life, I KNOW WHO I'M VOTING FOR CASTING, that's all I'm saying.)