(no subject)

[skygiants]

I'll be honest, I decided to read Ivanhoe mostly because I have this gotta-catch-em-all sensibility about my literary namesakes. And what I have learned is that there are three things to know, if you want to read Ivanhoe. First of all, it is so, so forsoothly. It is THE FORSOOTHLIEST. Even at the bits where it is intentionally funny - and there are quite a few! - it is nonetheless completely flooded with thees and thous and by my halidoms. Sir Walter Scott is WRITING A MEDIEVAL EPIC, GODDAMMNIT, EVERYONE BETTER RECOGNIZE.

The second thing is that even though Sir Walter Scott is explicitly writing against anti-Semitic prejudice, he nonetheless plays into it in ways that are often very disturbing - and I say this as a person who is generally pretty capable of tuning out anti-Semitism in books written before 1900. Rebecca is totally awesome, but her father Isaac is a walking bad stereotype, and even the good guys (sometimes especially the good guys) are horrible to both of them all the time. There is also some casual racism that is even worse because Scott doesn't even realize he's doing it.

The third thing is that Ivanhoe himself is boring. He is SO BORING. Let me put it this way, the serfs musing about the fine points of Anglo-French language distinctions are infinitely more interesting than anything Ivanhoe does ever. Fortunately, he gets knocked unconscious hilariously early on and pretty much spends the rest of the book that way, allowing much more interesting people to take center stage.

If you can deal with all these things, there is a lot to enjoy in Ivanhoe! (Especially if, like me, you have a vested interest in Rebeccas being awesome.) And you should probably not read the below, because it will spoil everything. If you can't - and not everyone can, and I do not blame you -

So basically the book really starts picking up 150 pages or so in, when the villains decide to kidnap all the protagonists and hold them hostage in a castle for a while in an attempt to variously seduce, torture, and demand ransom from them.

MAURICE DE BRACY: I am the dapper mercenary! I am here to marry the beautiful Saxon Rowena, with her consent or no, because she is rich and hot.
BRIAN DE BOIS-GUILBERT: I am the moody, badass-but-morally-corrupt Templar! I am here to seduce the beautiful Jewess Rebecca, with her consent or no, because she's hot and I enjoy stomping on my vow of celibacy and then laughing as it shatters to smithereens.
REGINALD FRONT-DE-BOEUF: I am the obligatory evil third villain, and I'm just in it for the money. You can call me Beefhead.
WALDEMAR FITZURSE: I am the fourth villain, and I am staying out of this because you are all idiots. Seriously, did you just expect to kidnap a bunch of important people and for nobody to care?
DE BRACY, BOIS-GUILBERT AND BEEFHEAD: . . . yes?
FITZURSE: *facepalm*

(IVANHOE: I am unconscious in an upper room! This will be the state of things for quite a few chapters, so get used to it.)

So off our villains all troop to their respective nefarious chambers to accomplish their respective goals. Alas, it doesn't go so well.

DE BRACY: So hey, how'd your seduction of Rebecca go, Bois-Guilbert?
BOIS-GUILBERT: Well, I came on to her, and then I threatened her, and then she got up on the windowsill and told me she would throw herself off if I came any closer and then she gave me a sound lecture on moral rectitude and then I offered to use my Templar connections to take over the world and make her queen of it and I think I'm in love. *___*
DE BRACY: . . . . but she still wouldn't sleep with you, right?
BOIS-GUILBERT: YES. AND I HATE HER omg she is awesome. How'd your seduction of Rowena go?
DE BRACY: Well, I came onto her, and then I threatened her, and then she cried so I got embarrassed and ran away.
BOIS-GUILBERT: . . .
DE BRACY: SHE CRIED A LOT, OKAY.
BOIS-GUILBERT: . . .
DE BRACY: I DON'T KNOW HOW TO HANDLE IT WHEN GIRLS CRY.
BOIS-GUILBERT: . . .
BEEFHEAD: . . . . so guys, some guy called Locksley and some guy who is totally not in any way King Richard back from the Crusades are attacking the castle to rescue everybody, wanna go take care of that and stop talking about girls?
DE BRACY: 'es

So then there is an epic battle, which nobody actually wins because:

ULRICA, WRONGED SAXON WOMAN OUT FOR REVENGE: Beefhead, you have wronged me! I am totally setting fire to this castle. HAHA!
BOIS-GUILBERT: Rebecca, I will save you and then you will love me!
REBECCA: STOP THAT. NO MEANS NO.
IVANHOE: I am conscious just long enough to realize that Bois-Guilbert has carried off Rebecca! Some-guy-who-is-totally-not-in-any-way-King-Richard, you have to go save her!
SOME-GUY-WHO-IS-TOTALLY-NOT-IN-ANY-WAY-KING-RICHARD: Rebecca, whatever. IVANHOE, I WILL SAVE YOU. *picks up Ivanhoe and carries him tenderly out of the burning building*
(BECCA: . . . so, uh, I'm remembering right about all those historical ballads where Richard totally sleeps with a whole bunch of dudes, right?
HISTORIANS: Ayup.
BECCA: Well okay then!)

MEANWHILE:

BEEFHEAD: Oh man, I am burning alive along with the woman I most wronged! This is terrifying!
(BECCA: Kudos, Walter Scott, this scene is actually scary!
WALTER SCOTT: I know, right? Allow me to insert some Epic Fake Saxon Poetry to heighten the atmosphere.
BECCA: . . . and suddenly it's scary for a whole different reason.)

Everyone pretty much makes it out okay except for Rebecca, and they all hang out in the greenwood for a while feasting and celebrating and being total dicks to poor Isaac.

SOME-GUY-WHO-IS-TOTALLY-NOT-KING-RICHARD: So hey, guess what, guys! I'm totally King Richard!
EVERYONE: . . . yes. We are totally shocked.
LOCKSLEY: Okay, if we're being honest, I guess I should confess: I'm totally Robin Hood.
EVERYONE: . . . we are still totally shocked. Really!
DE BRACY: Oh, uh, hey, Rowena. Sorry about . . . all that. Back there.
ROWENA: This is the most awkward day ever.
DE BRACY: I am so embarrassed I am going to disappear for the rest of the book.
ROWENA: Pretty much likewise!

And then, hilariously, Robin spends about five hours trying to figure out how to tactfully hint to King Richard that maaaybe he should go take care of the rest of the plot and let the outlaws get on with their thing, while King Richard oblivoiusly boozes it up. Royalty, man!

Meanwhile, Rebecca is a prisoner in the Templar stronghold rebuffing Bois-Guilbert, when the Grand Master shows up and is like OMG AN EVIL WITCH JEWESS BURN HEEEEEEEER.

REBECCA: Look, just because I'm the best doctor ever and have saved a million people with my medical skills, that is no reason to call me a witch and you are all prejudiced assholes. Especially the guy who would not take no for an answer and brought me here to be accused as a witch. NOT THAT I'M NAMING ANY NAMES. Anyway, my point is: I'm awesome, haters to the left.
BOIS-GUILBERT: hsssst Rebecca ask for trial by combat
REBECCA: Uh, okay, I ask for trial by combat!
BOIS-GUILBERT: OKAY REBECCA I WILL BE YOUR CHAMPION FOR -
GRAND MASTER: Okay, Brian will be our champion for the Templars, and hopefully someone else will show up to fight for Rebecca!
BOIS-GUILBERT: D: D: D: D: D: D:

BOIS-GUILBERT: so pssst Rebecca, if I stand up for you I am probably doomed and definitely my career is. But I'll totally do it! Just say the word! We could run away somewhere with no anti-Semitism and get married and rule the world together and really you still owe me from saving your life from the fire a few chapters ago, so -
REBECCA: OH NO YOU DID NOT JUST GO THERE. First of all, if you only saved me because you wanted to sleep with me, do you know what that means I owe you? ZERO. And it is gross when you assume otherwise. Second of all: it is your fault that I am about to get burned at the stake in like twenty-four hours, so you don't get any points for saving me from that either. Third of all: NO MEANS NO.
BOIS-GUILBERT: So . . . if you won't let me throw away my life and career to save you, and you won't run away and rule the world with me, can we at least be friends?
REBECCA: . . .
BOIS-GUILBERT: Look, I am going through painful and difficult character growth, okay? I am learning that women are people and not just for sex! I am overcoming my anti-Semitism! I really, really respect you as an individual! Throw me a bone here!
REBECCA: As long as it is understood that I do not OWE you any bones, of ANY kind . . . FINE. We can be friends. At least for the twenty-four hours until I go to a horrible painful death at the stake, thanks to you.
BOIS-GUILBERT: Friends! :D

(SIR WALTER SCOTT: Admit it, you totally kind of ship it now, don't you.
BECCA: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING. I hate abduction romance! Rebecca is awesome and Bois-Guilbert is an asshole! This goes against everything I believe! . . . wow, I kind of hate myself right now.
SIR WALTER SCOTT: >:D)

IVANHOE: REBECCA! Despite being mortally wounded and having spent the last half of the book unconscious and lying on a chaise, I am here to be your champion, and to save you!
REBECCA: . . . that's a nice gesture, but wow, I am so doomed.
(BECCA: Wait, wasn't there a whole other plotline with Rowena and the Saxons and Prince John and . . .
SIR WALTER SCOTT: Yeah, I took care of that in about a chapter. We all know that everyone is mostly invested in what's going on here with the Templars anyway.
BECCA: Okay, fair.)
BOIS-GUILBERT: *CHAAAAAAARGE*
IVANHOE: *CHAAAAAAAAARGE*
AUDIENCE: This is it! This is what we've been waiting for, the epic battle where Ivanhoe truly shows his mettle and -
BOIS-GUILBERT: *totally has a stroke due to his ~agony~ over what's going on with Rebecca and FALLS OVER DEAD*
REBECCA: . . .
TEMPLARS: . . .
IVANHOE: . . . what the hell, that was my one chance to do something the whole book! DAMN YOU, BOIS-GUILBERT!
REBECCA: And then boring Ivanhoe married Rowena, and I wandered off to be an awesome Jewish fake nun, in a traditional Jewish institution that Walter Scott totally made up, but oh well. By the way, I know you're still out there shipping me with Bois-Guilbert, and I AM JUDGING YOU.
(BECCA: So remind us why this book is called Ivanhoe again?
NOBODY: *has a good answer*)

Comments

[rymenhild.livejournal.com]

*swoops in* Sir Walter is TOTALLY out of copyright. Ivanhoe fanfic is therefore totally legal, and you should absolutely write that fic.

[bookblather.livejournal.com]

It is already turning into a book in my head SEE WHAT YOU'VE DONE.

Oh well. NaNo approacheth. Might as well.

[rymenhild.livejournal.com]

I am an innocent medievalist writing a dissertation on thirteenth-century English Jewish-Christian relations. I have NO VESTED INTEREST in the true love of Rebecca and Brian Bois-Guilbert. NONE AT ALL.

*wanders away, entirely innocently*

[bookblather.livejournal.com]

O rly. Could I possibly read that dissertation in the interests of research? I'll probably be going with Sir Walter's eminent "use facts if they work and if they don't then MAKE IT UP" method of book research, but it'd be nice to have some actual trufax knowledge of what went down.

[rymenhild.livejournal.com]

If you really want, I'll send the chapters on Jewish-Christian stuff along, but they're sort of orthogonal to your needs. I can do better, though, and send you a bibliography of sources that would actually be useful.