a tale of three theatergoers

As wickedtrue, innerbrat and I set off Saturday night to go see SPIDER-MAN: TURN OFF THE DARK (this title will forever be rendered in allcaps), this conversation was one that recurred a lot:

BECCA, THE EASILY ENTERTAINED: I still can't believe it's REAL. I still can't believe that SPIDER-MAN ON BROADWAY, DESIGNED BY JULIE TAYMOR, MUSIC BY BONO AND THE EDGE, is a thing that really exists!
FEATHER, THE ACTUALLY TRAINED IN THEATER: I'm warning you in advance that I am going to froth with rage a lot, and attempt to dive down to rescue the actors and stage managers from themselves, and you are going to have to restrain me. Okay? Okay.
DEBI, THE BLOODTHIRSTY: Guys? We're going to see a musical in which SOMEONE MIGHT DIE.

Well . . . nobody died! This is one thing at least that we can say for the show. The short version: the story made little sense, the music itself was often very pretty but not Broadway-ish, the lyrics were terrible, the aesthetics were spectacular but incoherent, and second act can be summed up as JULIE TAYMOR'S ID SAYS HELLO.

( FOR THE DETAILED PLAY-BY-PLAY, READ ON. )