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Mar. 1st, 2024 11:53 pmI had two very different media experiences recently that somehow both turned out to have more or less the same dramatic mid-media twist, so I have decided I might as well talk about them by comparing them. I apologize if I have in this way spoiled anyone who knows one of these media properties but not the other for either Knights of the Old Republic (Bioware RPG video game, 2003) or Argylle (action comedy, 2024.)
Pacing
Argylle is over two hours long. This is much too long for the movie that it is. However, KOTOR took me over 40 hours to play and the last two hours of that were just running around flailing, screaming, and saving after every five minutes. Also I hate the long minigame that you have to play whenever the ships attack you in between planets, because I am bad at it. Point: Argylle.
Romance
Well, to be honest, I did not successfully romance anyone in KOTOR, and I don't particularly feel like I was missing out. On the other hand, the romance in Argylle sort of combines the worst qualities of all the KOTOR textual romance options put together:
( spoilers" ) Point: KOTOR.
Pets
The heroine of Argylle tows around her cat in one of those little backpacks. This is cute but stressful, especially since the cat is a Scottish fold and so one is concerned for his little joints. The hero of KOTOR tows around a horrible murder cat of an assassin droid named HK-47. This is even more charming and I am not concerned for his little joints at all. Point: KOTOR.
Other characters
Aside from HK-47, KOTOR's best character is Jolee Bindo, an charmingly eccentric anti-authoritarian ex-Jedi mentor who spouts cryptic wisdom and could easily be played by Samuel L. Jackson. Argylle's best character is also a charming eccentric who is in fact played by Samuel L. Jackson. However, in Argylle, rather than being an anti-authoritarian, he is a Fed; also, he's also only on screen for like ten minutes out of the whole, whereas you can bring Jolee with you literally everywhere for 90% of the game. Point: KOTOR.
Placement within a larger franchise
I knew going in that KOTOR was a Star Wars Property that I was Going to Experience, for better or for worse. I did not know going in that Argylle was( technically spoilers ) Point: KOTOR.
Highest high
Argylle has a scene in which the heroine straps knives to her feet and ice skates through a pool of liquid petroleum in order to murder her way through twenty goons. KOTOR has nothing to compare. Point: Argylle.
Lowest low
You know there were a lot of moments in Argylle that I think I didn't particularly enjoy at the time, but at present the only ones I can remember are the head-stomping-like-melons and the line in which someone compares the heroine to John Le Carre, which nearly made me shout 'take his name out of your mouth!' in the middle of the theater. However, the side quest in KOTOR about the husband droid will haunt me forever, and not in the good way. Point: Argylle.
As Queer Media
In KOTOR, Juhani is canonically a lesbian Jedi and you can romance her. Her romance arc is not that interesting to me but you know what, good for Bioware in 2003. Conversely, nobody in Argylle is canonically gay. However, it does hint just enough that Our Heroine had a backstory fling with another female character to be titillating without ever coming out and confirming itself!( spoilers ) I found it all mildly irritating-to-insulting but someone could probably write interesting fic about it. Still, point: KOTOR.
That Big Twist
( this is ALL spoilers. point to KOTOR )
If my math is right, on my completely objective and balanced scale, KOTOR is trouncing Argylle 6 to 3, which honestly seems about right. I really can't emphasize enough how amazingly absurd the ice skating scene is, though. Worth the price of admission!
Pacing
Argylle is over two hours long. This is much too long for the movie that it is. However, KOTOR took me over 40 hours to play and the last two hours of that were just running around flailing, screaming, and saving after every five minutes. Also I hate the long minigame that you have to play whenever the ships attack you in between planets, because I am bad at it. Point: Argylle.
Romance
Well, to be honest, I did not successfully romance anyone in KOTOR, and I don't particularly feel like I was missing out. On the other hand, the romance in Argylle sort of combines the worst qualities of all the KOTOR textual romance options put together:
( spoilers" ) Point: KOTOR. Pets
The heroine of Argylle tows around her cat in one of those little backpacks. This is cute but stressful, especially since the cat is a Scottish fold and so one is concerned for his little joints. The hero of KOTOR tows around a horrible murder cat of an assassin droid named HK-47. This is even more charming and I am not concerned for his little joints at all. Point: KOTOR.
Other characters
Aside from HK-47, KOTOR's best character is Jolee Bindo, an charmingly eccentric anti-authoritarian ex-Jedi mentor who spouts cryptic wisdom and could easily be played by Samuel L. Jackson. Argylle's best character is also a charming eccentric who is in fact played by Samuel L. Jackson. However, in Argylle, rather than being an anti-authoritarian, he is a Fed; also, he's also only on screen for like ten minutes out of the whole, whereas you can bring Jolee with you literally everywhere for 90% of the game. Point: KOTOR.
Placement within a larger franchise
I knew going in that KOTOR was a Star Wars Property that I was Going to Experience, for better or for worse. I did not know going in that Argylle was
( technically spoilers ) Point: KOTOR.Highest high
Argylle has a scene in which the heroine straps knives to her feet and ice skates through a pool of liquid petroleum in order to murder her way through twenty goons. KOTOR has nothing to compare. Point: Argylle.
Lowest low
You know there were a lot of moments in Argylle that I think I didn't particularly enjoy at the time, but at present the only ones I can remember are the head-stomping-like-melons and the line in which someone compares the heroine to John Le Carre, which nearly made me shout 'take his name out of your mouth!' in the middle of the theater. However, the side quest in KOTOR about the husband droid will haunt me forever, and not in the good way. Point: Argylle.
As Queer Media
In KOTOR, Juhani is canonically a lesbian Jedi and you can romance her. Her romance arc is not that interesting to me but you know what, good for Bioware in 2003. Conversely, nobody in Argylle is canonically gay. However, it does hint just enough that Our Heroine had a backstory fling with another female character to be titillating without ever coming out and confirming itself!
( spoilers ) I found it all mildly irritating-to-insulting but someone could probably write interesting fic about it. Still, point: KOTOR. That Big Twist
( this is ALL spoilers. point to KOTOR ) If my math is right, on my completely objective and balanced scale, KOTOR is trouncing Argylle 6 to 3, which honestly seems about right. I really can't emphasize enough how amazingly absurd the ice skating scene is, though. Worth the price of admission!
