(no subject)

[skygiants]

On Friday, obopolsk and I went to go see ANNA BOLENA: THE OPERA. (I suspect the Met's thought process was essentially 'quick, cash in on the Tudor craze before it's all gone!')

TO be fair, even with the change in Henry Percy's name to Ricardo Percy and Anne Boleyn's 'famous mad scene,' I think it was probably more historically accurate than the Showtime version.



So we begin with Operatic Anne Boleyn, 50% Less Snarky and More Depressed; her favorite lady in waiting, Jane Seymour (for added drama, I guess); and her entire court of opera singers.

ANNE BOLEYN: Henry is terrible. God, I'm miserable. Hey, Jane, buddy, if you ever want a crown? DON'T.
JANE SEYMOUR, AKA HENRY'S NEW GIRLFRIEND: . . . *awkward*
ANNE BOLEYN: Hugs?
JANE: . . . I love you Anne I am the worst person in the world.

ANNE BOLEYN: Mark Smeaton! Sing something for us!
MARK SMEATON: I am pining for my love, and that means YOU!
MARK SMEATON: *is a soprano*

BECCA: This is a much more lesbian opera than I was expecting, and I am not complaining.

Then Henry VIII swoops in on Jane Seymour in a giant pimped-out fur-trimmed dressing gown and a cloud of sketchy consent issues, which is pretty much exactly how I always picture Henry VIII in my head.

JANE SEYMOUR: Henry, I love Anne so much and I am feeling super terrible about our secret relationship.
HENRY VIII: I agree! Our secret relationship is terrible . . . so let's tell everybody! HENRY'S LOVE IS TO BE GLORIED IN.

(This quote from the opera sums up everything I fully believe about how Henry VIII thinks about himself. Well played, Donizetti!)

HENRY VIII: Also, I love you and I command you not to break up with me.
JANE SEYMOUR: My king, you cannot love me unless you also love . . . MY HONOR.
HENRY VIII: Well, fine! I will marry you then! AND your honor!
JANE SEYMOUR: But . . . how does that work when you are already married to . . .
HENRY VIII: Oh don't you worry your pretty little head about that.
JANE SEYMOUR: D:

Henry, you see, has a cunning plan! It involves inviting Anne's ex-boyfriend, Henry RICARDO Percy, back to England to be an idiot.

RICARDO PERCY: I am home! And I loooooooove Anne!
ANNE'S BROTHER: Shut up, someone will hear you!
RICARDO PERCY: Love love love looooooooooove her . . .
ANNE'S BROTHER: Shut up shut up shut up!

Henry and Anne and the entire hunting party enter at this point to watch Ricardo being an idiot, to Henry's delight and Anne's eternal facepalming.

HENRY VIII: Oh hey, welcome back from exile, Ricardo! Of course I only invited you home because my dear wife talks about you all the time. >:D
RICARDO PERCY: omg she talked about me omg omg omg I LOOOOVE HER.
ANNE BOLEYN: shut up shut up shut up!
RICARDO PERCY: HAVE I MENTIONED HOW MUCH I LOVE YOUR WIFE TODAY.
HENRY VIII: >:D

Anne attempts to fix the terrible situation by giving Henry a kiss before the hunt. Unfortunately, Henry is unimpressed and Ricardo ignores the hint. (Everyone involved actually did a fantastic job with this scene, which is conveyed pretty much entirely in body language.)

Back to Anne's quarters! Where Soprano Mark Smeaton is busy BEING CREEPY.

MARK SMEATON: I am just going to hang out in Anne's room macking on this portrait of her I stole and singing sadly about how much I love her until she comes home. - oh crap! Here she comes! BETTER HIDE.
ANNE'S BROTHER: Look, my buddy Ricardo will not shut up about how much he loves you, can you just give him like five minutes?
ANNE BOLEYN: . . . . . I would really rather not.
ANNE'S BROTHER: Great! I'll go get him then.
ANNE BOLEYN: *FACEPALM*

RICARDO PERCY: Anne! I love you! Let's make out!
ANNE BOLEYN: Okay, while I still have some feelings for you . . .
RICARDO PERCY: :D :D :D :D :D
ANNE BOLEYN: But in case you have forgotten, I am MARRIED. TO THE KING.
RICARDO PERCY: Aw, let's not even talk about that, mood-killer.
ANNE BOLEYN: And having an affair is the most dangerous thing I could POSSIBLY DO, so please leave right now, because I like being alive.
RICARDO PERCY: I will leave . . . if you tell me when I can see you again! :D :D :D
ANNE BOLEYN: Um, were you not listening? NEVER.
RICARDO PERCY: . . . . okay, then, I guess we will just have to go to the MURDER-SUICIDE PLACE.

BECCA: @_____@

But then Mark Smeaton runs out all 'noooooo!' and pulls out his own sword -

(BECCA AND SARA: Why does he even have a sword?)

- and they get into it, and Anne's brother, who has been awkwardly pacing the hallway this whole time, rushes in and they get into it, and Anne is like ohshit ohshit ohshit, and Henry of course chooses this moment to swan in with the entire court.

HENRY VIII: WELL, Anne, with all these men with their swords in your room, if you know what I mean, it seems you are having AN AFFAIR! >:D >:D >:D - I mean, I am shocked! Aghast! So very disappoint!
ANNE BOLEYN: If you will listen to me for two seconds -
MARK SMEATON: No sir I promise she is not sleeping with anybody! Least of all me!
HENRY VIII: Then why do you have her picture around your neck and covered with your lipstick?
MARK SMEATON: . . . . .
RICARDO PERCY: Dude, are you trying to imply that this little soprano dude is my rival? Because that is just insulting.
ANNE BOLEYN: PERCY YOU ARE NOT HELPING.

Intermission! I am actually surprisingly pleased with the first act, which despite a tragic lack of sarcasm from Anne involved way more scheming and creepy politics around Henry's marriages than I was expecting from a nineteenth-century opera that boils the entire court down into five characters. Plus: surprise duels and cross-dressing!

(Meanwhile, obopolsk: Every time I hear someone talking about Smeaton I hear it as Smeagol in my head. Anne! My own! My precious!
BECCA: THANK YOU FOR THAT. @___@)

And then we're in the Tower of London, where all of Anne's ladies in waiting are SO, SO SAD that Anne is doomed but also kind of gossipy about where Jane Seymour, Anne's BFF, might possibly be.

ANNE BOLEYN: I guess this is all kind of fair, given what happened to Katharine of Aragon, but . . . man, it still really sucks.
JANE SEYMOUR: *sidles in awkwardly*
ANNE BOLEYN: Jane! So good to see you! My BFF!
JANE SEYMOUR: Anne, if you want to survive, you should confess and then Henry maybe will just divorce you and let you live? Because, let me tell you, he is really, really determined to marry this new lady, and I should know.
ANNE BOLEYN: New lady! This is all her fault! DAMN BUT I HATE HER SO MUCH A THOUSAND CURSES BE ON HER HEAD.
JANE SEYMOUR: Um, so . . . .
ANNE BOLEYN: So you, my best friend, are Henry's new girlfriend?
JANE SEYMOUR: I am so, so, so sorry about this. I am the worst person in the world.
ANNE BOLEYN: No, Jane, I totally get it. It is one hundred percent HENRY'S fault for being TERRIBLE. We're cool!
BECCA: That . . . is amazingly lady-friendly for a nineteenth-century opera! Well played, Anne Boleyn!
JANE SEYMOUR: That's great in principle, but now I feel even worse!

Back to the Court! Where Henry is basically beard-stroking and cackling maniacally all over the place.

HENRY VIII: Hahaha! Smeaton totally confessed to sleeping with my wife! Idiot.
MARK SMEATON: *is dragged out, dressed only in a shirt, because dammit, the costume designer is going to get some fanservice in there somewhere*
ANNE BOLEYN: I am going to ask one more time if I can just explain -
HENRY VIII: Nope! You can't! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
ANNE BOLEYN: Okay, fine. You know what? I'm sick of this. I hate you, and you're terrible, and marrying you was the worst decision of MY LIFE. Marrying Percy would have been better!
RICARDO PERCY: omg Anne that is wonderful best news I could have ever heard I loooooooove you!
ANNE BOLEYN: . . . hi, Percy.
RICARDO PERCY: By the way, Henry, you can't charge her with adultery to you because she was already secretly married . . . TO ME!
ANNE BOLEYN: I have no idea if this is going to help my case or not, so I will therefore neither confirm nor deny.
HENRY VIII: Spoiler: it will not help. >:|

JANE SEYMOUR: Henry! I cannot marry you if you are going to kill Anne! I am totally breaking up with you for real this time if you go ahead with this!
HENRY VIII: Nice try, Jane, but I can still command you not to break up with me. Also, still totally killing Anne.
JANE SEYMOUR: D:

ANNE'S BROTHER: As a sideline I am condemned to death too. For incestuous adultery, if you're interested.
RICARDO PERCY: That's rough, buddy.

Finally: the grand finale! Everyone is super super incredibly sad about Anne dying, by the way, because this Anne Boleyn is a tragic heroine through and through.

ANNE'S LADIES: Oh hey, so it's time for the obligatory operatic mad scene, right?
ANNE BOLEYN: Guess so! Okay, la la, it's my wedding day, la la, flashbacking to my romance with Percy, la la . . .

(THE LADY WHO SINGS ANNE, IN THE PLAYBILL INTERVIEW: And that aria is fun to sing, but let me tell you guys, the real Anne Boleyn? Hard as nails, never would have in a million years retreated into la-la land.
BECCA: Thank you, Anne's singer!)

HENRY AND JANE'S WEDDING PARTY: *passes by, with much cheering*
ANNE BOLEYN: Well, that is tacky. Is it time for the execution yet?

. . . which is actually really well-staged symbolically, with Anne stepping forward and pulling her hair to one side, and then a dramatic light on the executioner. Scene!

obopolsk: Well, I didn't really like any of those people, but then again, it is the Tudor Court.
BECCA: Considering it's the Tudor Court, they really could have been much more unlikeable than they were!

(Also, I kind of want Anne Boleyn/Jane Seymour fic now.)

Comments

[holyschist]

This sounds amazing!

(Also, I kind of want Anne Boleyn/Jane Seymour fic now.)

...me, too. O_o

[skygiants]

It was way better than I was expecting, to be honest! Like, as far as the choices that were made, it was all very explicable!

[surexit]

a giant pimped-out fur-trimmed dressing gown and a cloud of sketchy consent issues

I WILL NEVER PICTURE HENRY THE SAME AGAIN.

Also, this made me laugh out loud, especially Henry's >:D faces, and yet with a creeping sense of dread because I actually cared about the characters. Not in the opera, in this LJ entry. :O You have a gift.

[skygiants]

You mean this is not how you pictured him already? :O

*cracks UP* CLEARLY, Showtime should have hired me to write for them!

[surexit]

I actually tend to picture him how that Venetian ambassador described him in his youth: "it is the prettiest thing in the world to see him play at tennis, his golden skin shining through a shirt of the finest linen."

:O *chinhands* Tell me more, Venetian ambassador!

[cahn]

Wow. This sounds really good. (I'd read a review that basically made fun of how Anne Boleyn was way too nice for the historical figure, but you make it sound like it was good anyway!)

[skygiants]

She was SO too nice for the historical figure! I kept making faces about that and then deciding that the trade-off for Anne Boleyn's wonderful historical snark was the highly implausible Jane-Anne friendship and ladyfriendlieness, which I was enjoying enough to make it a fair trade.