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Feb. 8th, 2012 03:30 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
skygiantsLast night I watched the old D.W. Griffith silent film Orphans of the Storm for class. It was a hilariously enjoyable experience which I am going to share with you all!
Orphans of the Storm is about the FRENCH REVOLUTION, and before any of the action starts D.W. Griffith would like you to know the moral of the story: kicking out a bad government is GOOD, but "we in America should be careful lest we with a good government mistake fanatics for leaders and exchange our decent law and order for ANARCHY and BOLSHEVISM!"
(Griffith did love his allcaps.)
. . . now that we've told all those anarchists and Bolshevists what's up, it's time to get to the meat of the matter: a hot aristocratic French lady has had the gall to marry a commoner and get pregnant! Her aristocratic family has a simple plan to fix this:
Step 1: Kill the husband and leave the baby out in the snow to be picked up by monks or something.
Step 2: [???]
Step 3: Profit!
Fortunately a humble peasant man, who is in the process of leaving his own baby out in the snow to be picked up by monks or something, stumbles across Dying Baby Louise.
HUMBLE PEASANT: Wait! I just realized! If you leave babies out in the snow to be picked up by monks . . . they might DIE!
HUMBLE PEASANT: Okay, plan B - instead of abandoning the baby that we can't afford to keep, I will come home with TWO babies!
MRS. HUMBLE PEASANT: . . . . you what.
HUMBLE PEASANT: Aw, but come on, look look at how freaking cute these babies are! SO CUTE.
Fortunately, Baby Louise turns out to be conveniently accessorized with money stuffed in a sock by her Tragic Aristocrat Mother, so the babies have a chance to grow up into the Gish sisters! Aren't you glad you kept them now, Mr. and Mrs. Humble Peasant?
BABY LOUISE: Wait, why can't I move my eyeballs anymore?
D.W. GRIFFITH: Oh, I may have forgotten to mention that Baby Louise has been stricken with TRAGIC BLINDNESS at some point over growing up, and Baby Henriette has dedicated her life to taking care of her, but . . . now you know! Also Mr. and Mrs. Humble Peasant died in the plague that brought the tragic blindness, just FYI.
BABY LOUISE AND BABY HENRIETTE: . . . . thanks.
It's okay, though, because Louise and Henriette love each other!
("Sisters?" "We're close.")
Meamwhile, in Paris, we are introduced to some new characters: a bunch of angry peasants; Baby Louise's Tragic Aristocrat Mother, her new Stuffy Aristocrat Husband, and their Sexy Young Aristocrat Cousin; and, of course, Georges Danton . . .
. . . "the Abraham Lincoln of France," as D.W. Griffith helpfully informs us (LOLOLOLOL) . . .
. . . and sinister Robespierre, whose eyebrows upstage EVERYBODY.
Everyone is decadent and aristocrats are running over small children and everything is terrible, except for Sexy Young Aristocrat Cousin, who is off feeding and hugging the poor. Unfortunately for Henriette and Louise, they have decided this is a great time to come to Paris to try and cure Louise's blindness!
(HENRIETTE: Then when you can see again, I'll make you do all the work! :D
Henriette and Louise are actually totally adorable in their non-period costumes, but, I mean, that is what you get when you cast the Gish Sisters.)
The girls should probably take it as an omen of future misfortune that the very first person they meet on the road is a creeper aristocrat.
CREEPER ARISTOCRAT: Hey, ladies, would you like a ride in my carriage, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
HENRIETTE: HAHAHAHAHAHA no.
LOUISE: LOL, what a creeper!
And, displaying excellent good sense for naive young ladies in a melodrama, the girls continue on their way. Unfortunately, Mr. Creeper Aristocrat decides he MUST HAVE Henriette, and gives his underlings instructions to kidnap her as soon as she gets out of the coach and bring her to . . . THE ORGY!
Our favorite Sexy Young Aristocrat is at the orgy having an awesome time when he notices that his host seems to have carted in an unconscious lady to molest. He kind of hangs out, not really bothering to do much about it, until Henriette wakes up and starts shrieking things like "IF THERE IS ANY MAN OF HONOR HERE, WHERE ARE YOU AND WHY AREN'T YOU HELPING ME!"
Sexy Young Aristocrat: . . . it's the Man of Honor signal!
And he finally stops twiddling his thumbs, gets into a swordfight with Mr. Creeper Aristocrat, and takes Henriette home to try to find her sister.
Meanwhile, Louise has been mostly wandering around screaming, until she gets found by a Sweet and Gentle Peasant Lad!
Unfortunately, Sweet and Gentle Peasant Lad has a horribly abusive mother and brother who promptly decide to steal all Louise's stuff and lock her up in the basement until she agrees to be their private begging machine, while Sweet and Gentle Peasant Lad makes sad faces at them. Whoops.
Sucks to be Louise!
After some extensive Blind Sister Search, our Sexy Young Aristocrat accidentally trips and falls on Henriette's lips.
SEXY YOUNG ARISTOCRAT: Oh my god, I'm so sorry, I'll never do it again!
HENRIETTE: Why does EVERYONE I meet in Paris want to molest me? . . . well, at least this one is cute.
The Sexy Young Aristocrat runs away in a panic, but Henriette is not about to have much peace, because a few hours later, DANTON stumbles in while running away from the cops! Henriette valiantly hides him, prepared to defend him by stabbing the cops with her umbrella if necessary, and is, as usual, super adorable.
HENRIETTE: Gosh, what a noble, Abraham Lincoln-like figure you present, Mr. Danton! I wish I had a brother like you.
DANTON: . . . hey baby, hey hey baby. >:D
Robespierre then comes looking for Danton, in a judgy kind of fashion, and Henriette shuts the door in his face, which will be a PLOT POINT later.
But not now, because the Sexy Young Aristocrat is back to propose!
HENRIETTE: But I promised my blind sister I wouldn't get married until she could see my boyfriend for herself and give her approval! Look, see, flashback!
SEXY YOUNG ARISTOCRAT: I guess I can't argue with a flashback . . . but you do love me, right?
HENRIETTE: . . . yeah okay I guess.
SEXY YOUNG ARISTOCRAT: *ADORABLE FISTPUMP OF GLEE*
Unfortunately Sexy Young Aristocrat's relatives are not so excited and they hilariously lock him up to pine away like Rapunzel.
His cousin, Louise's Tragic Aristocratic Mother, also goes to visit Henriette and talk sense into her. Henriette earns more points by being perfectly willing to have sense talked into her!
TRAGIC ARISTOCRATIC LADY: Do you know what happens when commoners marry aristocrats? They get STABBED. Trust me on this one!
HENRIETTE: Right! I have no wish to get stabbed. Your cousin is cute and all, but what I actually want is to find my missing fake sister Louise, so if you want me out of your family's hair you could maybe help me with --
TRAGIC ARISTOCRATIC LADY: . . . fake sister Louise, did you say? What a coincidence, that happens to be the name of my long-lost baby!
Conveniently, Louise happens to wander by at this moment with her evil peasant captor, singing a sad song.
HENRIETTE: LOUIIIISE!
LOUISE: HENRIEEEETTE!
TRAGIC ARISTOCRATIC LADY: Wait what daughter what?
EVIL ARISTOCRATIC MINIONS: Henriette, you're going to Fallen Women Prison for daring to be engaged to a member of the aristocracy!
EVIL PEASANT LADY: Bad girl, Louise, it's back in the basement for you!
HENRIETTE: LOUIIIIIISE!
LOUISE: HENRIEEETTE!
TRAGIC ARISTOCRATIC LADY: Wait, seriously, what?
And our poor orphans are dragged away from each other again and everything is terrible . . . just in time for THE REVOLUTION!
For D.W. Griffith, of course, the revolution means MORE ORGIES.
But Henriette manages to escape the orgies and go find Evil Peasant Lady.
EVIL PEASANT LADY: Blind girl? Never heard of her.
HENRIETTE: Seriously? I mean, you are ACTUALLY WEARING HER CLOTHES.
And then: HENRIETTE SMASH, in a kind of amazing knock-down drag-out fight.
EVIL PEASANT LADY: Okay okay I took care of her in her last illness! But now she has tragically died.
(LOUISE, IN THE BASEMENT: HENRIEEEEEETTE?)
HENRIETTE: Oh, did she? Well, I'm just gonna go check that with the local authorities and see if she has a death record!
Seriously, Henriette is amazingly together for a heroine in a melodrama. Unfortunately:
THE LOCAL AUTHORITIES: Um, revolution going on? SORRY, KIND OF BUSY.
HENRIETTE: . . . well, now I'm out of sensible ideas.
Luckily for Louise, her Sweet and Gentle Peasant Friend has FINALLY gotten sick of his abusive family taking advantage of her . . . so he grabs a knife and stabs his evil brother to death!
Meanwhile, Sexy Young Aristocrat has broken out of family prison.
SEXY YOUNG ARISTOCRAT: I will sneak back into Paris to see Louise! Look at my excellent disguise!
HELFPUL PEASANT ASSOCIATE: . . . you might want to take off your wig first. Idiot.
SEXY YOUNG ARISTOCRAT: . . . but could Henriette possibly love me if she sees my real hair?
It turns out the answer is yes!
Unfortunately he has led THE REVOLUTION straight to Henriette's door and now they are both arrested. Whoops.
Louise and her Helpful Young Peasant friend show up at the trial . . . somehow . . . and there is a lot more shrieking of "HENRIETTE!" and "LOUISE!" in the courtroom before Henriette and her boyfriend go up on trial.
ROBESPIERRE: Hey, I remember you! You're the girl who slammed a door in my face that one time. Haha, bet you wish you'd been nicer to me now!
ANGRY JUDGE: For sheltering an aristocrat, I SENTENCE YOU TO --
HENRIETTE: Shhhh! Not so loud! My tragically blind sister will hear you!
ANGRY JUDGE: Tragically blind sister, you say?
HENRIETTE: Yes! Her name is Louise! Sing out, Louise! Isn't she pretty, I love her so much, we've been separated throughout the whole movie and --
ANGRY JUDGE: Right, yeah, you're sentenced to death. NEXT!
LOUISE: *SCREAMS*
HENRIETTE: Dude, didn't I just tell you to sentence me quietly?
Fortunately, on her way to certain death, Henriette runs into Danton!
DANTON: Don't worry, sexy lady! I'll get you a pardon, using my Abraham Lincoln-like oratory and the power of MERCY and JUSTICE!
HENRIETTE: Better get it fast, because we're going to be at the guillotine in like five minutes and I don't know how long we can stall --
LOUISE: I will buy you some time with sad farewell makeouts!
SEXY YOUNG ARISTOCRAT: I will also buy us some time with sad farewell makeouts!
HANGMAN: Denied.
HANGMAN: Everyone wants to see the Gish sisters kissing but nobody cares about you, sucker. HOWEVER, I will buy you some time by pushing the lever in slow-mo!
SWEET, GENTLE AND HOMICIDAL PEASANT LAD: Aw, what the heck, I will buy you some time by running up to the guillotine and TRYING TO STAB ALL THE GUARDS!
(LOUISE: Honey, I think you have maybe gotten kind of stab-happy since you killed your brother . . .)
DANTON: Thank you for buying time, everyone! I AM HERE! The Abraham Lincoln of France, TO THE RESCUE!
EVERYONE: YAAAAAY!
D.W. GRIFFITH: And then Robespierre was deposed, and TRUTH and MERCY reigned, and the GARDENS of FRANCE bloomed once again, and the Gish sisters frolicked in the sunshine, and mother and daughter were reunited, and Tragically Blind Louise magically got her sight back so she could appprove her sister's marriage, and we had DEMOCRACY. Good day!
DANTON: Hey, wait, um, didn't I die before all that happened? And didn't I go kind of power-mad, and then, I mean, Napoleon, and --
D.W. GRIFFITH: I SAID GOOD DAY, SIR.
Orphans of the Storm is about the FRENCH REVOLUTION, and before any of the action starts D.W. Griffith would like you to know the moral of the story: kicking out a bad government is GOOD, but "we in America should be careful lest we with a good government mistake fanatics for leaders and exchange our decent law and order for ANARCHY and BOLSHEVISM!"
(Griffith did love his allcaps.)
. . . now that we've told all those anarchists and Bolshevists what's up, it's time to get to the meat of the matter: a hot aristocratic French lady has had the gall to marry a commoner and get pregnant! Her aristocratic family has a simple plan to fix this:
Step 1: Kill the husband and leave the baby out in the snow to be picked up by monks or something.
Step 2: [???]
Step 3: Profit!
Fortunately a humble peasant man, who is in the process of leaving his own baby out in the snow to be picked up by monks or something, stumbles across Dying Baby Louise.
HUMBLE PEASANT: Wait! I just realized! If you leave babies out in the snow to be picked up by monks . . . they might DIE!
HUMBLE PEASANT: Okay, plan B - instead of abandoning the baby that we can't afford to keep, I will come home with TWO babies!
MRS. HUMBLE PEASANT: . . . . you what.
HUMBLE PEASANT: Aw, but come on, look look at how freaking cute these babies are! SO CUTE.
Fortunately, Baby Louise turns out to be conveniently accessorized with money stuffed in a sock by her Tragic Aristocrat Mother, so the babies have a chance to grow up into the Gish sisters! Aren't you glad you kept them now, Mr. and Mrs. Humble Peasant?
BABY LOUISE: Wait, why can't I move my eyeballs anymore?
D.W. GRIFFITH: Oh, I may have forgotten to mention that Baby Louise has been stricken with TRAGIC BLINDNESS at some point over growing up, and Baby Henriette has dedicated her life to taking care of her, but . . . now you know! Also Mr. and Mrs. Humble Peasant died in the plague that brought the tragic blindness, just FYI.
BABY LOUISE AND BABY HENRIETTE: . . . . thanks.
It's okay, though, because Louise and Henriette love each other!
("Sisters?" "We're close.")
Meamwhile, in Paris, we are introduced to some new characters: a bunch of angry peasants; Baby Louise's Tragic Aristocrat Mother, her new Stuffy Aristocrat Husband, and their Sexy Young Aristocrat Cousin; and, of course, Georges Danton . . .
. . . "the Abraham Lincoln of France," as D.W. Griffith helpfully informs us (LOLOLOLOL) . . .
. . . and sinister Robespierre, whose eyebrows upstage EVERYBODY.
Everyone is decadent and aristocrats are running over small children and everything is terrible, except for Sexy Young Aristocrat Cousin, who is off feeding and hugging the poor. Unfortunately for Henriette and Louise, they have decided this is a great time to come to Paris to try and cure Louise's blindness!
(HENRIETTE: Then when you can see again, I'll make you do all the work! :D
Henriette and Louise are actually totally adorable in their non-period costumes, but, I mean, that is what you get when you cast the Gish Sisters.)
The girls should probably take it as an omen of future misfortune that the very first person they meet on the road is a creeper aristocrat.
CREEPER ARISTOCRAT: Hey, ladies, would you like a ride in my carriage, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
HENRIETTE: HAHAHAHAHAHA no.
LOUISE: LOL, what a creeper!
And, displaying excellent good sense for naive young ladies in a melodrama, the girls continue on their way. Unfortunately, Mr. Creeper Aristocrat decides he MUST HAVE Henriette, and gives his underlings instructions to kidnap her as soon as she gets out of the coach and bring her to . . . THE ORGY!
Our favorite Sexy Young Aristocrat is at the orgy having an awesome time when he notices that his host seems to have carted in an unconscious lady to molest. He kind of hangs out, not really bothering to do much about it, until Henriette wakes up and starts shrieking things like "IF THERE IS ANY MAN OF HONOR HERE, WHERE ARE YOU AND WHY AREN'T YOU HELPING ME!"
Sexy Young Aristocrat: . . . it's the Man of Honor signal!
And he finally stops twiddling his thumbs, gets into a swordfight with Mr. Creeper Aristocrat, and takes Henriette home to try to find her sister.
Meanwhile, Louise has been mostly wandering around screaming, until she gets found by a Sweet and Gentle Peasant Lad!
Unfortunately, Sweet and Gentle Peasant Lad has a horribly abusive mother and brother who promptly decide to steal all Louise's stuff and lock her up in the basement until she agrees to be their private begging machine, while Sweet and Gentle Peasant Lad makes sad faces at them. Whoops.
Sucks to be Louise!
After some extensive Blind Sister Search, our Sexy Young Aristocrat accidentally trips and falls on Henriette's lips.
SEXY YOUNG ARISTOCRAT: Oh my god, I'm so sorry, I'll never do it again!
HENRIETTE: Why does EVERYONE I meet in Paris want to molest me? . . . well, at least this one is cute.
The Sexy Young Aristocrat runs away in a panic, but Henriette is not about to have much peace, because a few hours later, DANTON stumbles in while running away from the cops! Henriette valiantly hides him, prepared to defend him by stabbing the cops with her umbrella if necessary, and is, as usual, super adorable.
HENRIETTE: Gosh, what a noble, Abraham Lincoln-like figure you present, Mr. Danton! I wish I had a brother like you.
DANTON: . . . hey baby, hey hey baby. >:D
Robespierre then comes looking for Danton, in a judgy kind of fashion, and Henriette shuts the door in his face, which will be a PLOT POINT later.
But not now, because the Sexy Young Aristocrat is back to propose!
HENRIETTE: But I promised my blind sister I wouldn't get married until she could see my boyfriend for herself and give her approval! Look, see, flashback!
SEXY YOUNG ARISTOCRAT: I guess I can't argue with a flashback . . . but you do love me, right?
HENRIETTE: . . . yeah okay I guess.
SEXY YOUNG ARISTOCRAT: *ADORABLE FISTPUMP OF GLEE*
Unfortunately Sexy Young Aristocrat's relatives are not so excited and they hilariously lock him up to pine away like Rapunzel.
His cousin, Louise's Tragic Aristocratic Mother, also goes to visit Henriette and talk sense into her. Henriette earns more points by being perfectly willing to have sense talked into her!
TRAGIC ARISTOCRATIC LADY: Do you know what happens when commoners marry aristocrats? They get STABBED. Trust me on this one!
HENRIETTE: Right! I have no wish to get stabbed. Your cousin is cute and all, but what I actually want is to find my missing fake sister Louise, so if you want me out of your family's hair you could maybe help me with --
TRAGIC ARISTOCRATIC LADY: . . . fake sister Louise, did you say? What a coincidence, that happens to be the name of my long-lost baby!
Conveniently, Louise happens to wander by at this moment with her evil peasant captor, singing a sad song.
HENRIETTE: LOUIIIISE!
LOUISE: HENRIEEEETTE!
TRAGIC ARISTOCRATIC LADY: Wait what daughter what?
EVIL ARISTOCRATIC MINIONS: Henriette, you're going to Fallen Women Prison for daring to be engaged to a member of the aristocracy!
EVIL PEASANT LADY: Bad girl, Louise, it's back in the basement for you!
HENRIETTE: LOUIIIIIISE!
LOUISE: HENRIEEETTE!
TRAGIC ARISTOCRATIC LADY: Wait, seriously, what?
And our poor orphans are dragged away from each other again and everything is terrible . . . just in time for THE REVOLUTION!
For D.W. Griffith, of course, the revolution means MORE ORGIES.
But Henriette manages to escape the orgies and go find Evil Peasant Lady.
EVIL PEASANT LADY: Blind girl? Never heard of her.
HENRIETTE: Seriously? I mean, you are ACTUALLY WEARING HER CLOTHES.
And then: HENRIETTE SMASH, in a kind of amazing knock-down drag-out fight.
EVIL PEASANT LADY: Okay okay I took care of her in her last illness! But now she has tragically died.
(LOUISE, IN THE BASEMENT: HENRIEEEEEETTE?)
HENRIETTE: Oh, did she? Well, I'm just gonna go check that with the local authorities and see if she has a death record!
Seriously, Henriette is amazingly together for a heroine in a melodrama. Unfortunately:
THE LOCAL AUTHORITIES: Um, revolution going on? SORRY, KIND OF BUSY.
HENRIETTE: . . . well, now I'm out of sensible ideas.
Luckily for Louise, her Sweet and Gentle Peasant Friend has FINALLY gotten sick of his abusive family taking advantage of her . . . so he grabs a knife and stabs his evil brother to death!
Meanwhile, Sexy Young Aristocrat has broken out of family prison.
SEXY YOUNG ARISTOCRAT: I will sneak back into Paris to see Louise! Look at my excellent disguise!
HELFPUL PEASANT ASSOCIATE: . . . you might want to take off your wig first. Idiot.
SEXY YOUNG ARISTOCRAT: . . . but could Henriette possibly love me if she sees my real hair?
It turns out the answer is yes!
Unfortunately he has led THE REVOLUTION straight to Henriette's door and now they are both arrested. Whoops.
Louise and her Helpful Young Peasant friend show up at the trial . . . somehow . . . and there is a lot more shrieking of "HENRIETTE!" and "LOUISE!" in the courtroom before Henriette and her boyfriend go up on trial.
ROBESPIERRE: Hey, I remember you! You're the girl who slammed a door in my face that one time. Haha, bet you wish you'd been nicer to me now!
ANGRY JUDGE: For sheltering an aristocrat, I SENTENCE YOU TO --
HENRIETTE: Shhhh! Not so loud! My tragically blind sister will hear you!
ANGRY JUDGE: Tragically blind sister, you say?
HENRIETTE: Yes! Her name is Louise! Sing out, Louise! Isn't she pretty, I love her so much, we've been separated throughout the whole movie and --
ANGRY JUDGE: Right, yeah, you're sentenced to death. NEXT!
LOUISE: *SCREAMS*
HENRIETTE: Dude, didn't I just tell you to sentence me quietly?
Fortunately, on her way to certain death, Henriette runs into Danton!
DANTON: Don't worry, sexy lady! I'll get you a pardon, using my Abraham Lincoln-like oratory and the power of MERCY and JUSTICE!
HENRIETTE: Better get it fast, because we're going to be at the guillotine in like five minutes and I don't know how long we can stall --
LOUISE: I will buy you some time with sad farewell makeouts!
SEXY YOUNG ARISTOCRAT: I will also buy us some time with sad farewell makeouts!
HANGMAN: Denied.
HANGMAN: Everyone wants to see the Gish sisters kissing but nobody cares about you, sucker. HOWEVER, I will buy you some time by pushing the lever in slow-mo!
SWEET, GENTLE AND HOMICIDAL PEASANT LAD: Aw, what the heck, I will buy you some time by running up to the guillotine and TRYING TO STAB ALL THE GUARDS!
(LOUISE: Honey, I think you have maybe gotten kind of stab-happy since you killed your brother . . .)
DANTON: Thank you for buying time, everyone! I AM HERE! The Abraham Lincoln of France, TO THE RESCUE!
EVERYONE: YAAAAAY!
D.W. GRIFFITH: And then Robespierre was deposed, and TRUTH and MERCY reigned, and the GARDENS of FRANCE bloomed once again, and the Gish sisters frolicked in the sunshine, and mother and daughter were reunited, and Tragically Blind Louise magically got her sight back so she could appprove her sister's marriage, and we had DEMOCRACY. Good day!
DANTON: Hey, wait, um, didn't I die before all that happened? And didn't I go kind of power-mad, and then, I mean, Napoleon, and --
D.W. GRIFFITH: I SAID GOOD DAY, SIR.
no subject
Date: 2012-02-08 11:53 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-02-09 12:06 am (UTC)Alternately, Netflix probably has a version with actual music . . .
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Date: 2012-02-09 01:37 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-02-09 02:30 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-02-09 08:31 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-02-09 02:41 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-02-09 01:25 pm (UTC)DELIGHTFUL.
THE DELIGHTFULLEST.
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Date: 2012-02-09 02:42 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-02-09 02:14 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-02-09 02:42 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-02-09 03:21 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-02-09 03:39 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-02-09 05:47 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-02-09 06:39 pm (UTC)