skygiants | (no subject)

I just finished reading Ben MacIntyre's Double Cross: The True Story of the D-Day Spies, a book about the double agents who fed the German intelligence service a constant stream of misinformation to keep them from doing anything about D-Day.

So I think I first heard about this book when

opusculasedfera talked about how she thought Ben McIntyre seemed a little disappointed that all the GLAMOROUS WORLD WAR II DOUBLE AGENTS that this book was about were in fact actually HILARIOUS WEIRDOS. Because I love hilarious weirdos, I decided I had to read it right away!

I disagree a bit with her analysis; my general impression was that Ben Macintyre was pretty much delighted by the fact that everything about this story is weird, implausible, and kind of hilarious. But perhaps this is just because I am so delighted by the fact that everything about this story is weird, implausible and kind of hilarious.

Agents featured in this book include:

AGENT TRICYCLE, aka DUSKO POPOV, the one who comes closest to fitting the GLAMOROUS INTERNATIONAL SEXY SPY BUSINESSMAN model. Popov was recruited to spy for German intelligence by his college BFF Johnny Jebsen, and promptly wandered over and announced to the British that he would be very happy to spy for them instead, because the Nazis were annoying.

MI5: So is betraying your college BFF going to be a problem for you?
POPOV: Well, I mean, I talk to Johnny a lot, and...
JEBSEN: Hey, buddy! Great work you're doing! Have I mentioned how much I hate Nazis lately, by the way? Here, would you like some sensitive German military information? Boy, that Bertie Wooster sure is a hoot. Check out my new monocle!
POPOV: ...so basically I am pretty sure that Johnny a.) already knows I am spying for the British and b.) does not give a damn.
JEBSEN: WODEHOUSE FOREVER!

AGENT BRUTUS, aka ROMAN CZERNIAWSKI, the one who was actually more like a triple agent -- he was an ardent Polish nationalist who ran a successful resistance network in occupied France, and then got captured by the Germans.

CZERNIAWSKI : Yes, sure, I will work for you to spy against the British ... if you agree to FREE POLAND!!!! Please relay my demands to Hitler.
THE NAZIS: .... yes. Yes. We will ... get right on that.

Eventually he decided that Operation: Negotiate With Hitler For Polish Freedom was probably not going to be a long-term success, hence the triple-cross and the birth of Agent Brutus.

AGENT TREASURE, alias LILY SERGUEIEW, alias THE ONE WITH THE DOG. Lily Sergueiew was a Frenchwoman who offered to spy for the Germans, apparently always having had the long-term plan to then defect to the British.

SERGUEIEW: My one request is that MY DOG MUST TRAVEL WITH ME AT ALL TIMES.
MI5: This is a matter of the fate of the world! She can't care about her dog that much.

Spoiler: she did care about her dog that much.

Sergueiew's story is especially interesting because she was the only double agent who also had a female case officer, and it seems pretty evident to me that her operation would have turned out very differently if it were not for the RAMPANT SEXISM within the system -- like, Popov the International Playboy got money and girls and huge parties and whatever else he wanted, and Sergeuiev and her case officer got huge battles over fifty-dollar suitcases, in addition to The Deal With The Dog.

AGENT BRONX, aka ELVIRA DE LA FUENTE CHAUDOIR, a bisexual Peruvian gambling-addicted socialite who got recruited to spy for the British for reasons that -- well, Macintyre seems to think it's mostly because she was bored, but who knows. Anyway, MI6 sent her to France to look glamorous and bored in an entirely successful attempt to get her recruited as a German spy, and then brought her back and triumphantly introduced her to MI5.

HALF OF MI5: I dunno, guys. Do you not think she is a little ... too glamourous ... and too gay?
THE OTHER HALF OF MI5: Au contraire, we believe she is JUST THE RIGHT AMOUNT of glamorous and gay!

I'm pretty sure that Agent Bronx is Macintyre's favorite, and who can blame him? I mean, she basically spent the entire war gambling, writing chatty lie-filled letters to the Germans, and hanging out with her hot girlfriend in London. WELL PLAYED, AGENT BRONX.

AGENT GARBO, aka JUAN PUJOL, the Spanish chicken farmer who really, really wanted to be a double agent selling the Germans fake information. He had a CALLING. Unfortunately, his local British consulate did not hear the calling and kept turning him away at the door. Undaunted, Garbo got himself recruited by the Germans and started writing bucketloads of fake letters from London despite never having been.

PUJOL: London is great! Have bribed many officers; you know those Brits, they will do anything for wine, they love it more than any other drink! Everybody is just about ready for our six-week tropical vacation in Brighton Beach!

After a while, MI5 started hearing rumors of an amazing German spy network in the heart of London. Eventually, they found Pujol and were like "you, sir, are a GIFT FROM THE GODS."

PUJOL: Well, I mean, I did try and tell you.

Pujol spends the rest of the war inventing a whole cast of fake spies, including a network of EVIL WELSH FASCISTS, while the German information agency keeps on eating his BS with a spoon.

In fact, the Abwehr apparently eats EVERYONE'S BS up with a spoon. The way Macintyre tells it, ninety percent of their functional agents were working for the British all along, and the other ten percent were independent BS merchants like Pujol. Half the fun of the book is watching the British attempting to play these inordinately complicated mind games -- "we will sow DELICATE HINTS about a FAKE double agent so they won't suspect the REAL double agents so they CLEARLY cannot choose the wine in front of THEM!" -- while the Germans pick up on precisely zero of the delicate hints and keep on doing what they were going to do anyway.

Admittedly this is probably because half of the German intelligence agency is at this point too busy either embezzling money or plotting to try and kill Hitler. OR BOTH. Macintyre is generally happy to buy the "the Abwehr was just that corrupt and incompetent" theory of events, but it seems equally plausible that half the people involved did know perfectly well that they were being sold a line and were too disenchanted with the Nazi regime to care.

(Meanwhile, Soviet intelligence and the Cambridge Five are running rings around everybody, but that's neither here nor there.)

Anyway, the book as a whole seems to be intended as an argument towards "history is built around the weird personality quirks of individuals!" Obviously this is not the whole story, but it's a REALLY COMPELLING AND ENTERTAINING version of the story, and that's super OK by me. Seriously, this book is hilarious. I haven't even talked about the British mastermind who religiously wore tartan trousers! OR THE DOUBLE-CROSSING SPY PIGEONS.