(no subject)
Jan. 16th, 2016 10:36 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
skygiantsSo I reread Daughter of the Forest, and in doing so was irresistibly reminded of Jennifer Roberson's Cheysuli books, which, like Daughter of the Forest, are vaguely Celtic fantasy creepily centered around a prophesied fantasy breeding program; but no! I said to myself, no, they are not good. I am aware they are not good, I am not going to reread them! There is no reason to reread any Cheysuli books!
And then I flew to Philadephia for a 24-hour trip, and read The Girl With All The Gifts on the plane, and got stressed out by travel and zombies, and decided to look through my adolescent bookshelves for something ridiculous and unstressful to read on the plane ride back, and yes, we all know how this story ends, which is I MADE A TERRIBLE MISTAKE. I remembered they were bad! I did not remember HOW VERY. I wronged you, Juliet Marillier; compared to Shapechangers, Daughter of the Forest is a class act.
The Cheysuli books are set in a land called 'Homana' -- "derived from 'home!'" says Jennifer Roberson in her cheery author's note, which, NO, REALLY, I WOULD NEVER HAVE GUESSED, although I guess it's slightly better than Mercedes Lackey's 'Alanda' -- and are VERY SERIOUS BOOKS about FANTASY RACISM. Homana is mostly inhabited by non-magical, presumably white Homanans, but also by the dark-skinned, black-haired, yellow-eyed, beautiful, noble, valiant, super-special, incredibly exoticized Cheysuli who live in tents and have mystical soul-animals and also can shapeshift and also have some other magic powers that pop up whenever is convenient.
Once upon a time, the Cheysuli were in charge of the country, but then they stepped down voluntarily when they realized the white people were uncomfortable with them and their MYSTIC POWERS and their ALIEN AFFECT and BEASTLIKE EYES. However, they still have a prophecy about how one day a half-Cheysuli king will unite Homana with all the surrounding countries and it is BASICALLY the only thing that any Cheysuli ever talks about, even though for the past 25 years pre-story they have been the target of a MASSIVE ATTEMPTED GENOCIDE so you would think they would have more pressing concerns.
The books begin when Homanan Prince Carillon and his buddy Alix, a humble farmgirl who had an offscreen meet-cute with him and is now crushing hard, are captured by a Cheysuli named Finn and his wise spirit-bonded wolf. Carillon assumes this is a strategic thing, but actually Finn's just been stalking Alix for weeks and capturing the prince is an unexpected accidental bonus.
FINN: You may have heard about the ongoing attempted genocide? Yeah, now we're using our population density problems as an excuse to kidnap women for breeding purposes.
ALIX: Wow, way to get me to be IMMEDIATELY UNSYMPATHETIC to your otherwise quite sympathetic genocide backstory!
FINN: Then I shall take you by force!
FINN'S WISE SPIRIT-BONDED WOLF: No, maybe don't do that, bro.
FINN: Oh, what, is this morally wrong and super gross or something?
FINN'S WISE SPIRIT-BONDED WOLF: No, bro, it's just that she's secretly your sister, and THAT makes it gross.
So it turns out that Humble Farmgirl Alix is actually the secret half-Cheysuli daughter of the Homanan princess who ran away with Finn's Cheysuli dad, kicking off genocidal retribution for all Cheysuli everywhere!
ALIX: That means Carillon is my COUSIN?! ...well, I guess dating a cousin is pretty much fine.
FINN: So ... if dating a cousin is fine, probably a half-brother is also fine? :D
ALIX: EW.
DUNCAN: Hello, I am Finn's half-brother on the other side who leads the tribe and is not actually related to you in any way, except by the transitive half-sibling property, which I BELIEVE puts me FAR in the romantic lead.
Duncan, who is responsible and lacking in a sense of humor, stares meaningfully in Alix's eyes for a while, makes some pointed comments about whether she's banging Carillon --
DUNCAN: I mean, it's cool if you are, among the Cheysuli, we don't stigmatize! Women can bang whoever they want, except I guess when we kidnap women for breeding purposes.
ALIX: I don't want to be Cheysuli and I'm NOT Cheysuli and I think you're all AWFUL and I just want to go HOME!
-- and then decides to let them both go.
CARILLON: Hey Alix, you should come home with me and I'll introduce you to my uncle, your grandfather, King Shaine, who kicked off the genocide! I am sure he will be happy to meet you.
KING SHAINE: Who is this person, why is she here?!?!
ALIX: Hi Gramps, I think you're stupid and I think your FACE is stupid and I bet my mom HATED you from Day One and that's why she ran away.
KING SHAINE: GUARDS, EXECUTE THIS WOMAN IMMEDIATELY.
CARILLON: ...I don't know what I expected.
Fortunately, Duncan is there with his soul-bonded hawk, and Alix runs off with him.
DUNCAN: Alix, I know I just met you, and this is crazy, but the destined prophecy seems to indicate we should be together, so have my baby?
Alix is into it!
Unfortunately when they get back to the Cheysuli camp it turns out Duncan's ex just lost her husband and is now available again, and might also be ALREADY having his baby.
DUNCAN: Oops, if my ex is having my kid already, I think I probably ought to marry her instead. But it's cool, you can still be my girlfriend on the side! We are all about polyamory among the Cheysuli! Like I said, no judgment!
ALIX: ..........no.
DUNCAN: Well then I regret to inform you that the Council will PROBABLY make you marry somebody else, for breeding purposes.
ALIX: Wait, I thought among the Cheysuli women had complete sexual freedom and could bang whoever they wanted?
DUNCAN: Yes, but they still can ... be married against their will ..... and then they can bang people on the side if they want and that's cool ......? I don't know, actually, the logic of this doesn't make a ton of sense to me either. Anyway, the point is, it's quite likely that if you don't agree to be my side girlfriend, Finn is going to ask the Council he can marry you --
ALIX: Finn .... like my ATTEMPTED RAPIST BROTHER WHO IS ALSO YOUR BROTHER Finn ....?!?
DUNCAN: Yes. And the Council will probably say yes. FYI.
ALIX: And you're cool with this?!?
DUNCAN: I mean, I'd obviously rather you were banging me, in accordance with the prophecy, but this seems like a solid second choice.
FINN: Alix, babe, it only has to be weird if you make it weird.
UNSURPRISINGLY, ALIX IS NOT INTO IT.
DUNCAN: So -- wait, let me try and get this right. Are you saying, if you can't marry me, you don't want to marry ANYONE?
ALIX: I mean, I only know two Cheysuli right now and one of them is you and the other one is my gross rapist brother, so, uh, YES -- ow, why did you grab me and chop all my hair off!
DUNCAN: Among the Cheysuli, women who exercise their freedom of choice to refuse to bang ANYONE have to get SHORT LESBIAN HAIRCUTS to signify their decision.
ALIX: ....wtf.
DUNCAN: lol j/k though I mean actually the Council will still probably make you marry Finn, even with a lesbian haircut.
ALIX: WTF!!
However, instead of getting out of there IMMEDIATELY, Alix spends a couple months learning Cheysuli ways from a nice woman who turns out to be Finn and Duncan's mom.
ALIX: So, uh, I ... hate to break it to you, but ... you're aware that your son is an incestuous would-be rapist, right?
FINN AND DUNCAN'S MOM: Oh, yes, that little troublemaker!
ALIX: ....
FINN AND DUNCAN'S MOM: Let's be fair, though, both my children have flaws.
ALIX: how dare you, Duncan is PERFECT IN ALL WAYS.
FINN AND DUNCAN'S MOM: .... he dumped you and then forcibly cut off all your hair in an attempt to celibacy-shame you .....?
ALIX: PERFECT IN ALL WAYS. why won't he just marry me!!
FINN AND DUNCAN'S MOM: Dang, destiny sure is powerful.
ALIX: Also, after meeting Finn, my standards for Cheysuli behavior are incredibly low.
Finally, Alix DOES run off into the forest, where she discovers that as part of the prophecy she doesn't just have normal Cheysuli magical powers, she has SPECIAL magical powers that let her talk to anybody's magic soul-bonded animals and transform into any of their shapes!
ALIX: Heck yeah, I'm going to march right back into that Cheysuli camp and show off my super special magic abilities, and then if they make me marry anyone I will rip their faces off with my WOLF TEETH!
But before she can do any of that, a random hunter pops up and RANDOMLY SHOOTS HER, so instead she wakes up half-dead with Duncan tenderly fussing over her and promising to marry her because his ex's baby wasn't even his ANYWAY, so it's fine.
ALIX: Yay! :D
FINN: >:( >:( >:(
Situation .... resolved ........?
Anyway, the next thing that happens is that a country full of evil sorcerers attacks Homana.
DUNCAN: We will go in and help the Homanans repel the evil invaders!
ALIX: Aren't the Homanans still attempting to murder you all....?
DUNCAN: The genocide of our people is actually not all that important when weighed against THIS NONSPECIFIC EVIL.
ALIX: I'm just saying you may face some logistical challenges.
But Duncan, Finn, et al. march off to war anyway, and Alix is like SCREW THIS and marches off after them, and then they get the news that Carillon has been taken prisoner, and Duncan is like 'Carillon is less important than EVIL!' and Alix is like 'SCREW THIS AGAIN!' and transforms into a bird and takes off to rescue him.
CARILLON: Hey, hot cousin Alix! ... were you just a bird??
ALIX: Yes, long story, I am here to heroically rescue you with my superpowers!
CARILLON: omg, no, I REFUSE to escape with you, it's too dangerous for you and would damage my masculinity.
ALIX: ...
CARILLON: Also I've been injured and can't walk very well. You can go rescue my squire if you want?
ALIX: ...... FINE.
However, while heroically rescuing his squire, Alix proceeds to get captured by the enemy and has to be rescued in turn by Duncan and the Cheysuli cavalry, because of course.
CARILLON: Well, I appreciate this rescue --
ALIX: Oh, now you appreciate it.
CARILLON: And I GUESS when I am king, after we win the war, in token of recognition I can officially end our genocidal policies.
DUNCAN: That's nice!
...unfortunately, they lose the war! And accidentally kill the genocidal king in the process. I already don't remember exactly how, but I think maybe he has a heart attack when Alix pops up again and just makes him SO ANGRY?
CARILLON: Well ... I guess I will go into exile until the sequel!
FINN: Carilllon, I will go with you as your liege man!
CARILLON: ...what? We've met, like, twice, and both times you were a dick. I mean, to everyone. But also to me in particular.
FINN: I was only a dick because I was fighting the DESTINY that I recognized when I looked into your eyes!
(This does not go where it logically seems it would be going, but that's fine because I hate a.) everyone in this book and b.) Finn in particular so much that I don't feel they DESERVE a destined gay romance.)
THUS ENDS BOOK ONE OF THE CHRONICLES OF THE CHEYSULI, but Books 1 and 2 come in omnibus form and therefore I soldiered grimly on.
Book 2 is all from Carillon's POV, and for like the first couple hundred pages or so this is relatively inoffensive by comparison, except for the fact that whenever he looks at Finn he feels compelled to think loudly to himself about Finn's STRANGE OTHERNESS and BEAST EYES despite the fact that they've been traveling together for five years and are now theoretically the closest of bros.
Anyway Carillon-in-exile jaunts around and raises an army and picks up a Mysterious Harper friend and frets about his mother and sister, who are being imprisoned by evil, and spends some time working to undo 25 years of systematic racism and genocide, and all this is mostly fine. I mean, like Alix, my standards are incredibly low by this point. But mostly fine! Occasionally Carillon even makes a joke!
Then a female character enters.
ELECTRA: I am the daughter of the usurper king and the girlfriend of the usurper king's favorite evil sorcerer! Unhand me and send me back to my father at once!
CARILLON: ....hot damn.
ELECTRA: What, are you going to rape me?
CARILLON: No, I'm going to kill your father, and your boyfriend, and then I'm going to marry you!
ELECTRA: THAT IS WORSE.
Meanwhile, Carillon's Mysterious Harper buddy has fallen in love with Carillon's sister Tourmaline, who appears to be a perfectly nice lady and has maybe all of five lines in the whole book.
CARILLON: Aw, that's sweet. Too bad I'm going to have to marry Torry off somewhere for dynastic purposes, with or without her consent.
TOURMALINE: :/
There are a couple of battles, and Carillon wins back the throne, and does in fact murder Electra's father, and then marries her, and suddenly Electra also seems fine with this!
Flash forward to Electra's first pregnancy.
CARILLON: Oh my God, I can't stand this, it's taking FOREVER, why won't she just have the baby already!
FINN: You know, one of my magic Cheysuli powers is the power of compulsion, so ... I could just go into her room and magically compel her to have the baby right now?
CARILLON: ....that sounds like an AWESOME idea, let's do it!
ELECTRA'S MIDWIVES ETC: wtf. wtf? WTF!
However, when Finn marches in to MAGICALLY COMPEL Electra to HAVE THE BABY FASTER (wtf!) he is suddenly seized by evil sorcery! through her brain! and tries to kill her!!
CARILLON: Bro. Bro. Why'd you do that, bro. Bro. :(
FINN: Evil sorcery in her brain! Evil sorcery in her brain!!
CARILLON: I think maybe ... you'd better go away for a bit ...... to chill out .......
Then he's going somewhere else and on the way bumps paths with Finn and is like 'it's cool man, just go wait for me back at the castle,' and like five minutes later he suddenly realizes this was a terrible idea and races around and Finn is trying to kill Electra AGAIN, and Carillon is like "BRO, WHY'D YOU DO THAT, BRO. BRO. :("
ELECTRA: Given he tried to ASSASSINATE me you should PROBABLY execute him?!?
CARILLON: I love him too much to do that! ... but I'm going to have to exile him, at least. I'm sorry, bro. :(
TOURMALINE: I'm going with him!
CARILLON: ... wait, what? I thought you were in love with the harper? Also, you and Finn have literally never been onscreen together??
TOURMALINE: If you weren't so BLIND you might have REALIZED that Finn and I are in LOVE. And I'm having his baby!
CARILLON: But what about your important dynastic marriage? We have responsibilities as royalty! I mean, come on, I married Electra for dynastic reasons --
TOURMALINE: Come on, you married Electra because you wanted to bang her and we all know it.
FINN: You know, among the CHEYSULI women get to DECIDE whom they get to bang and therefore --
CARILLON: Wait, wasn't there a whole enormous plot point about Alix, YOUR SISTER, potentially being forced to marry YOU, just last book?
FINN: -- AS I SAID, AMONG THE CHEYSULI, WOMEN HAVE TOTAL REPRODUCTIVE FREEDOM and therefore I'm judging you from a MORAL HIGH GROUND for being weird about this. Don't make it weird, Carillon!
So Finn and Tourmaline run off together, and Carillon sulks for a while, and then goes to commiserate with the mysterious harper --
MYSTERIOUS HARPER: Wait, Tourmaline ran off with Finn? WTF!
CARILLON: I know, right? Totally out of nowhere!
MYSTERIOUS HARPER: But I'm a secret prince and I was totally going to ask for her hand in a dynastically advantageous marriage as soon as I revealed my royal status!
CARILLON: ... well why the hell didn't you say anything about this BEFORE she ran off!!!
MYSTERIOUS HARPER: I don't know, I thought it would be romantic?
-- which, admittedly, as plot twists go, is kind of hilarious. SORRY, MYSTERIOUS HARPER. You threw away your shot!
So the mysterious harper goes home in a sulk, and Carillon goes off to war against another invading country, also in a sulk, and then comes back, and -- surprise! -- it turns out Electra has been plotting with her evil sorcerer boyfriend to kill him the whole time!
CARILLON: WTF, evil sorcery in your brain! Finn was right all along!!
ELECTRA: Of course he was right all along. He might be a dick, but he's a Cheysuli and as far as these books are concerned they are never wrong.
Carillon survives, but he has magically aged twenty years, and Electra has to go into exile, and the only heir he has is Electra's first child, who is a girl and cannot inherit, so Carillon decides that Alix and Duncan's ultra-special kid is going to be heir after him.
In the last fifty pages, the evil sorcerer kidnaps Alix, for no apparent reason, and Carillon and Duncan go to try and rescue her even though Carillon is the KING and also now afflicted with TERRIBLE ARTHRITIS and you would think he would not be the best choice to go on this mission to the sorcerer's evil lair --
CARILLON: Wait, now the sorcerer has an evil lair?
DUNCAN: Yes, it's full of evil abstract art!
-- and they succeed, but unfortunately Duncan's soul-bonded wolf hawk dies in the attempt and so he has to go kill himself in the forest. Bye, Duncan!
Carillon proposes to Alix -- "Electra can't survive in exile FOREVER, probably --" but Alix refuses because she was raped by the evil sorcerer and is carrying an evil sorcerer baby.
Carillon then tries to get Finn and Tourmaline to go back home with him, but it turns out Tourmaline DIED IN CHILDBIRTH because of INADEQUATE CHEYSULI MEDICAL CARE, even though the Cheysuli have magical healing powers which were conveniently not in evidence at this point! So Finn is now a single dad and is going to stay behind with single mom Alix raising their babies together.
So finally the book ends with Carillon riding home with Duncan and Alix's kid who will be raised as his heir, which you would THINK would resolve the half-Cheysuli part of the prophecy enough so that people would stop caring about it but there are SIX MORE BOOKS of this so APPARENTLY NOT. Fear not; I will not be reading them. I'VE LEARNED MY LESSON.
And then I flew to Philadephia for a 24-hour trip, and read The Girl With All The Gifts on the plane, and got stressed out by travel and zombies, and decided to look through my adolescent bookshelves for something ridiculous and unstressful to read on the plane ride back, and yes, we all know how this story ends, which is I MADE A TERRIBLE MISTAKE. I remembered they were bad! I did not remember HOW VERY. I wronged you, Juliet Marillier; compared to Shapechangers, Daughter of the Forest is a class act.
The Cheysuli books are set in a land called 'Homana' -- "derived from 'home!'" says Jennifer Roberson in her cheery author's note, which, NO, REALLY, I WOULD NEVER HAVE GUESSED, although I guess it's slightly better than Mercedes Lackey's 'Alanda' -- and are VERY SERIOUS BOOKS about FANTASY RACISM. Homana is mostly inhabited by non-magical, presumably white Homanans, but also by the dark-skinned, black-haired, yellow-eyed, beautiful, noble, valiant, super-special, incredibly exoticized Cheysuli who live in tents and have mystical soul-animals and also can shapeshift and also have some other magic powers that pop up whenever is convenient.
Once upon a time, the Cheysuli were in charge of the country, but then they stepped down voluntarily when they realized the white people were uncomfortable with them and their MYSTIC POWERS and their ALIEN AFFECT and BEASTLIKE EYES. However, they still have a prophecy about how one day a half-Cheysuli king will unite Homana with all the surrounding countries and it is BASICALLY the only thing that any Cheysuli ever talks about, even though for the past 25 years pre-story they have been the target of a MASSIVE ATTEMPTED GENOCIDE so you would think they would have more pressing concerns.
The books begin when Homanan Prince Carillon and his buddy Alix, a humble farmgirl who had an offscreen meet-cute with him and is now crushing hard, are captured by a Cheysuli named Finn and his wise spirit-bonded wolf. Carillon assumes this is a strategic thing, but actually Finn's just been stalking Alix for weeks and capturing the prince is an unexpected accidental bonus.
FINN: You may have heard about the ongoing attempted genocide? Yeah, now we're using our population density problems as an excuse to kidnap women for breeding purposes.
ALIX: Wow, way to get me to be IMMEDIATELY UNSYMPATHETIC to your otherwise quite sympathetic genocide backstory!
FINN: Then I shall take you by force!
FINN'S WISE SPIRIT-BONDED WOLF: No, maybe don't do that, bro.
FINN: Oh, what, is this morally wrong and super gross or something?
FINN'S WISE SPIRIT-BONDED WOLF: No, bro, it's just that she's secretly your sister, and THAT makes it gross.
So it turns out that Humble Farmgirl Alix is actually the secret half-Cheysuli daughter of the Homanan princess who ran away with Finn's Cheysuli dad, kicking off genocidal retribution for all Cheysuli everywhere!
ALIX: That means Carillon is my COUSIN?! ...well, I guess dating a cousin is pretty much fine.
FINN: So ... if dating a cousin is fine, probably a half-brother is also fine? :D
ALIX: EW.
DUNCAN: Hello, I am Finn's half-brother on the other side who leads the tribe and is not actually related to you in any way, except by the transitive half-sibling property, which I BELIEVE puts me FAR in the romantic lead.
Duncan, who is responsible and lacking in a sense of humor, stares meaningfully in Alix's eyes for a while, makes some pointed comments about whether she's banging Carillon --
DUNCAN: I mean, it's cool if you are, among the Cheysuli, we don't stigmatize! Women can bang whoever they want, except I guess when we kidnap women for breeding purposes.
ALIX: I don't want to be Cheysuli and I'm NOT Cheysuli and I think you're all AWFUL and I just want to go HOME!
-- and then decides to let them both go.
CARILLON: Hey Alix, you should come home with me and I'll introduce you to my uncle, your grandfather, King Shaine, who kicked off the genocide! I am sure he will be happy to meet you.
KING SHAINE: Who is this person, why is she here?!?!
ALIX: Hi Gramps, I think you're stupid and I think your FACE is stupid and I bet my mom HATED you from Day One and that's why she ran away.
KING SHAINE: GUARDS, EXECUTE THIS WOMAN IMMEDIATELY.
CARILLON: ...I don't know what I expected.
Fortunately, Duncan is there with his soul-bonded hawk, and Alix runs off with him.
DUNCAN: Alix, I know I just met you, and this is crazy, but the destined prophecy seems to indicate we should be together, so have my baby?
Alix is into it!
Unfortunately when they get back to the Cheysuli camp it turns out Duncan's ex just lost her husband and is now available again, and might also be ALREADY having his baby.
DUNCAN: Oops, if my ex is having my kid already, I think I probably ought to marry her instead. But it's cool, you can still be my girlfriend on the side! We are all about polyamory among the Cheysuli! Like I said, no judgment!
ALIX: ..........no.
DUNCAN: Well then I regret to inform you that the Council will PROBABLY make you marry somebody else, for breeding purposes.
ALIX: Wait, I thought among the Cheysuli women had complete sexual freedom and could bang whoever they wanted?
DUNCAN: Yes, but they still can ... be married against their will ..... and then they can bang people on the side if they want and that's cool ......? I don't know, actually, the logic of this doesn't make a ton of sense to me either. Anyway, the point is, it's quite likely that if you don't agree to be my side girlfriend, Finn is going to ask the Council he can marry you --
ALIX: Finn .... like my ATTEMPTED RAPIST BROTHER WHO IS ALSO YOUR BROTHER Finn ....?!?
DUNCAN: Yes. And the Council will probably say yes. FYI.
ALIX: And you're cool with this?!?
DUNCAN: I mean, I'd obviously rather you were banging me, in accordance with the prophecy, but this seems like a solid second choice.
FINN: Alix, babe, it only has to be weird if you make it weird.
UNSURPRISINGLY, ALIX IS NOT INTO IT.
DUNCAN: So -- wait, let me try and get this right. Are you saying, if you can't marry me, you don't want to marry ANYONE?
ALIX: I mean, I only know two Cheysuli right now and one of them is you and the other one is my gross rapist brother, so, uh, YES -- ow, why did you grab me and chop all my hair off!
DUNCAN: Among the Cheysuli, women who exercise their freedom of choice to refuse to bang ANYONE have to get SHORT LESBIAN HAIRCUTS to signify their decision.
ALIX: ....wtf.
DUNCAN: lol j/k though I mean actually the Council will still probably make you marry Finn, even with a lesbian haircut.
ALIX: WTF!!
However, instead of getting out of there IMMEDIATELY, Alix spends a couple months learning Cheysuli ways from a nice woman who turns out to be Finn and Duncan's mom.
ALIX: So, uh, I ... hate to break it to you, but ... you're aware that your son is an incestuous would-be rapist, right?
FINN AND DUNCAN'S MOM: Oh, yes, that little troublemaker!
ALIX: ....
FINN AND DUNCAN'S MOM: Let's be fair, though, both my children have flaws.
ALIX: how dare you, Duncan is PERFECT IN ALL WAYS.
FINN AND DUNCAN'S MOM: .... he dumped you and then forcibly cut off all your hair in an attempt to celibacy-shame you .....?
ALIX: PERFECT IN ALL WAYS. why won't he just marry me!!
FINN AND DUNCAN'S MOM: Dang, destiny sure is powerful.
ALIX: Also, after meeting Finn, my standards for Cheysuli behavior are incredibly low.
Finally, Alix DOES run off into the forest, where she discovers that as part of the prophecy she doesn't just have normal Cheysuli magical powers, she has SPECIAL magical powers that let her talk to anybody's magic soul-bonded animals and transform into any of their shapes!
ALIX: Heck yeah, I'm going to march right back into that Cheysuli camp and show off my super special magic abilities, and then if they make me marry anyone I will rip their faces off with my WOLF TEETH!
But before she can do any of that, a random hunter pops up and RANDOMLY SHOOTS HER, so instead she wakes up half-dead with Duncan tenderly fussing over her and promising to marry her because his ex's baby wasn't even his ANYWAY, so it's fine.
ALIX: Yay! :D
FINN: >:( >:( >:(
Situation .... resolved ........?
Anyway, the next thing that happens is that a country full of evil sorcerers attacks Homana.
DUNCAN: We will go in and help the Homanans repel the evil invaders!
ALIX: Aren't the Homanans still attempting to murder you all....?
DUNCAN: The genocide of our people is actually not all that important when weighed against THIS NONSPECIFIC EVIL.
ALIX: I'm just saying you may face some logistical challenges.
But Duncan, Finn, et al. march off to war anyway, and Alix is like SCREW THIS and marches off after them, and then they get the news that Carillon has been taken prisoner, and Duncan is like 'Carillon is less important than EVIL!' and Alix is like 'SCREW THIS AGAIN!' and transforms into a bird and takes off to rescue him.
CARILLON: Hey, hot cousin Alix! ... were you just a bird??
ALIX: Yes, long story, I am here to heroically rescue you with my superpowers!
CARILLON: omg, no, I REFUSE to escape with you, it's too dangerous for you and would damage my masculinity.
ALIX: ...
CARILLON: Also I've been injured and can't walk very well. You can go rescue my squire if you want?
ALIX: ...... FINE.
However, while heroically rescuing his squire, Alix proceeds to get captured by the enemy and has to be rescued in turn by Duncan and the Cheysuli cavalry, because of course.
CARILLON: Well, I appreciate this rescue --
ALIX: Oh, now you appreciate it.
CARILLON: And I GUESS when I am king, after we win the war, in token of recognition I can officially end our genocidal policies.
DUNCAN: That's nice!
...unfortunately, they lose the war! And accidentally kill the genocidal king in the process. I already don't remember exactly how, but I think maybe he has a heart attack when Alix pops up again and just makes him SO ANGRY?
CARILLON: Well ... I guess I will go into exile until the sequel!
FINN: Carilllon, I will go with you as your liege man!
CARILLON: ...what? We've met, like, twice, and both times you were a dick. I mean, to everyone. But also to me in particular.
FINN: I was only a dick because I was fighting the DESTINY that I recognized when I looked into your eyes!
(This does not go where it logically seems it would be going, but that's fine because I hate a.) everyone in this book and b.) Finn in particular so much that I don't feel they DESERVE a destined gay romance.)
THUS ENDS BOOK ONE OF THE CHRONICLES OF THE CHEYSULI, but Books 1 and 2 come in omnibus form and therefore I soldiered grimly on.
Book 2 is all from Carillon's POV, and for like the first couple hundred pages or so this is relatively inoffensive by comparison, except for the fact that whenever he looks at Finn he feels compelled to think loudly to himself about Finn's STRANGE OTHERNESS and BEAST EYES despite the fact that they've been traveling together for five years and are now theoretically the closest of bros.
Anyway Carillon-in-exile jaunts around and raises an army and picks up a Mysterious Harper friend and frets about his mother and sister, who are being imprisoned by evil, and spends some time working to undo 25 years of systematic racism and genocide, and all this is mostly fine. I mean, like Alix, my standards are incredibly low by this point. But mostly fine! Occasionally Carillon even makes a joke!
Then a female character enters.
ELECTRA: I am the daughter of the usurper king and the girlfriend of the usurper king's favorite evil sorcerer! Unhand me and send me back to my father at once!
CARILLON: ....hot damn.
ELECTRA: What, are you going to rape me?
CARILLON: No, I'm going to kill your father, and your boyfriend, and then I'm going to marry you!
ELECTRA: THAT IS WORSE.
Meanwhile, Carillon's Mysterious Harper buddy has fallen in love with Carillon's sister Tourmaline, who appears to be a perfectly nice lady and has maybe all of five lines in the whole book.
CARILLON: Aw, that's sweet. Too bad I'm going to have to marry Torry off somewhere for dynastic purposes, with or without her consent.
TOURMALINE: :/
There are a couple of battles, and Carillon wins back the throne, and does in fact murder Electra's father, and then marries her, and suddenly Electra also seems fine with this!
Flash forward to Electra's first pregnancy.
CARILLON: Oh my God, I can't stand this, it's taking FOREVER, why won't she just have the baby already!
FINN: You know, one of my magic Cheysuli powers is the power of compulsion, so ... I could just go into her room and magically compel her to have the baby right now?
CARILLON: ....that sounds like an AWESOME idea, let's do it!
ELECTRA'S MIDWIVES ETC: wtf. wtf? WTF!
However, when Finn marches in to MAGICALLY COMPEL Electra to HAVE THE BABY FASTER (wtf!) he is suddenly seized by evil sorcery! through her brain! and tries to kill her!!
CARILLON: Bro. Bro. Why'd you do that, bro. Bro. :(
FINN: Evil sorcery in her brain! Evil sorcery in her brain!!
CARILLON: I think maybe ... you'd better go away for a bit ...... to chill out .......
Then he's going somewhere else and on the way bumps paths with Finn and is like 'it's cool man, just go wait for me back at the castle,' and like five minutes later he suddenly realizes this was a terrible idea and races around and Finn is trying to kill Electra AGAIN, and Carillon is like "BRO, WHY'D YOU DO THAT, BRO. BRO. :("
ELECTRA: Given he tried to ASSASSINATE me you should PROBABLY execute him?!?
CARILLON: I love him too much to do that! ... but I'm going to have to exile him, at least. I'm sorry, bro. :(
TOURMALINE: I'm going with him!
CARILLON: ... wait, what? I thought you were in love with the harper? Also, you and Finn have literally never been onscreen together??
TOURMALINE: If you weren't so BLIND you might have REALIZED that Finn and I are in LOVE. And I'm having his baby!
CARILLON: But what about your important dynastic marriage? We have responsibilities as royalty! I mean, come on, I married Electra for dynastic reasons --
TOURMALINE: Come on, you married Electra because you wanted to bang her and we all know it.
FINN: You know, among the CHEYSULI women get to DECIDE whom they get to bang and therefore --
CARILLON: Wait, wasn't there a whole enormous plot point about Alix, YOUR SISTER, potentially being forced to marry YOU, just last book?
FINN: -- AS I SAID, AMONG THE CHEYSULI, WOMEN HAVE TOTAL REPRODUCTIVE FREEDOM and therefore I'm judging you from a MORAL HIGH GROUND for being weird about this. Don't make it weird, Carillon!
So Finn and Tourmaline run off together, and Carillon sulks for a while, and then goes to commiserate with the mysterious harper --
MYSTERIOUS HARPER: Wait, Tourmaline ran off with Finn? WTF!
CARILLON: I know, right? Totally out of nowhere!
MYSTERIOUS HARPER: But I'm a secret prince and I was totally going to ask for her hand in a dynastically advantageous marriage as soon as I revealed my royal status!
CARILLON: ... well why the hell didn't you say anything about this BEFORE she ran off!!!
MYSTERIOUS HARPER: I don't know, I thought it would be romantic?
-- which, admittedly, as plot twists go, is kind of hilarious. SORRY, MYSTERIOUS HARPER. You threw away your shot!
So the mysterious harper goes home in a sulk, and Carillon goes off to war against another invading country, also in a sulk, and then comes back, and -- surprise! -- it turns out Electra has been plotting with her evil sorcerer boyfriend to kill him the whole time!
CARILLON: WTF, evil sorcery in your brain! Finn was right all along!!
ELECTRA: Of course he was right all along. He might be a dick, but he's a Cheysuli and as far as these books are concerned they are never wrong.
Carillon survives, but he has magically aged twenty years, and Electra has to go into exile, and the only heir he has is Electra's first child, who is a girl and cannot inherit, so Carillon decides that Alix and Duncan's ultra-special kid is going to be heir after him.
In the last fifty pages, the evil sorcerer kidnaps Alix, for no apparent reason, and Carillon and Duncan go to try and rescue her even though Carillon is the KING and also now afflicted with TERRIBLE ARTHRITIS and you would think he would not be the best choice to go on this mission to the sorcerer's evil lair --
CARILLON: Wait, now the sorcerer has an evil lair?
DUNCAN: Yes, it's full of evil abstract art!
-- and they succeed, but unfortunately Duncan's soul-bonded wolf hawk dies in the attempt and so he has to go kill himself in the forest. Bye, Duncan!
Carillon proposes to Alix -- "Electra can't survive in exile FOREVER, probably --" but Alix refuses because she was raped by the evil sorcerer and is carrying an evil sorcerer baby.
Carillon then tries to get Finn and Tourmaline to go back home with him, but it turns out Tourmaline DIED IN CHILDBIRTH because of INADEQUATE CHEYSULI MEDICAL CARE, even though the Cheysuli have magical healing powers which were conveniently not in evidence at this point! So Finn is now a single dad and is going to stay behind with single mom Alix raising their babies together.
So finally the book ends with Carillon riding home with Duncan and Alix's kid who will be raised as his heir, which you would THINK would resolve the half-Cheysuli part of the prophecy enough so that people would stop caring about it but there are SIX MORE BOOKS of this so APPARENTLY NOT. Fear not; I will not be reading them. I'VE LEARNED MY LESSON.
