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Apr. 6th, 2008 03:11 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
skygiantsSometimes, you read medieval poetry and you are like "wow, those people were basically just like us!"
Sometimes, you read medieval poetry and you are like "wow, those people were all NUTJOBS."
Basically, Charlemagne is riding around on a Holy Mission conquering bits of Spain, and the Pagan Spaniards (who worship Muhammed and Apollo. No other Greek gods, mind. Just Apollo. Because why not?) are trying to figure out ways to get him out of there. Charlemagne, by the way, is right, and the Spaniards are wrong; the epic repeats this about ten times in various places through the poem so you don't forget. They send an emissary to Charlemagne proposing peace; Roland, the Bestest Knight Ever, thinks they're lying but everyone else is like 'yay peace!' so Roland proposes that his stepfather go deal with them. Since the last few emissaries who got sent to deal with the pagans got their heads chopped off, his stepfather is a little bit annoyed by this proposal, and ends up making a deal with the Pagan Spaniards to leave Roland, his BFF Oliver, and a small rearguard behind so they can wipe them all out. This is where the fun really begins.
OLIVER: I see a gigantic army five times our size on the horizon! Roland, blow your horn to make Charlemagne come back so we can fight them and, you know, actually win the war.
ROLAND: NONSENSE. I would be SO EMBARRASSED if we had to call Charlemagne back to deal with a pesky pagan army.
OLIVER: No, seriously, there a hundred thousand of them out there and we're all going to die unless you call the army back. And by the way, I think your stepfather betrayed us.
ROLAND: Don't worry, Oliver. I will punch EVERY SPANIARD in the FACE! It will be fun! Also, how dare you say such things about my stepfather!
OLIVER: So, I guess we're all doomed.
There follows many many graphic stanzas of noble Franks slicing various and sundry pagans through the head.
ROLAND: Hey, Oliver, why are you using your broken lance to kill people instead of your sword?
OLIVER: BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN SO BUSY DEALING WITH THE HUNDRED THOUSAND PEOPLE TRYING TO KILL US THAT I DIDN'T HAVE TIME TO GET MY SWORD OUT. DUMBASS.
ROLAND: You know what, Oliver - I think my stepfather betrayed us!
OLIVER: I'm not speaking to you.
Then Franks start losing.
ROLAND: Oh my god, Oliver, lots of people have been killed!
OLIVER: YOU THINK?
ROLAND: I'm going to blow my horn and call Charlemagne back!
OLIVER: Oh, NOW you want to call Charlemagne back. When it's too late to save any of us. If we ever get home you are NEVER sleeping with my sister again.
ROLAND: I don't know why you're being so unpleasant right now.
OLIVER: Maybe because it's your fault that we're all going to DIE?
COMRADE ARCHBISHOP: Boys, boys! Calm down! There's lots of Spaniards to kill! Roland, you blow your horn; Oliver, get back to killing Spaniards.
ROLAND: *blows his horn. Bursts his temples wide open in the process. Keeps fighting!*
CHARLEMAGNE: What's that, Lassie? Roland's in trouble!
ROLAND'S EVIL STEPFATHER: Oh, you know that Roland. Probably he's just kidding around. Boys will be boys!
CHARLEMAGNE: TO THE RESCUE.
Meanwhile, back at the front, everyone is dying gruesomely; Oliver gets beaten up so much that he goes temporarily blind and starts beating up Roland accidentally (although I have my suspicions that it is not so accidental, considering!); Roland wanders around with his temples burst wide open from blowing the horn, weeps over Oliver, and dramatically faints a couple times in between killing Spaniards; finally, everyone except Roland is dead.
ROLAND: Charlemagne and the army will be here soon, and when they get here, I want to look my most heroic . . . okay, if I lie down to die on the ground here, looking towards the pagan army . . .
ROLAND: *carefully poses himself with all his weapons and so forth before dying*
THE ENTIRE BATTLE-HARDENED ARMY: *arrives*
TWENTY THOUSAND BATTLE-HARDENED SOLDIERS: *fall over in a dead faint*
Charlemagne also arrives, cries, goes chasing after the rest of the Spanish army, beats them to a pulp, beats up the next pagan army who arrives for reinforcements, etc. etc. and finally gets around to charging the evil stepfather with treason.
EVIL STEPFATHER: But Roland and I were fighting over money so it was totally fair for me to plot his death!
COURT OF FRANCE: Yeah, that sounds fair.
CHARLEMAGNE: . . . . . .
But someone challenges the Evil Stepfather to trial by combat, evil stepfather dies, beautiful pagan queen converts, and all is well. UNTIL the Archangel Gabriel shows up again!
ARCHANGEL GABRIEL: Hey, Charlemagne, there's a pagan army I need you to fight for this guy King Vivien.
CHARLEMAGNE (direct quote): "God, how wearisome my life is!"
Aaaaaaaaand finit. All I can say is: I'm with you on that one, Charlemagne.
Sometimes, you read medieval poetry and you are like "wow, those people were all NUTJOBS."
Basically, Charlemagne is riding around on a Holy Mission conquering bits of Spain, and the Pagan Spaniards (who worship Muhammed and Apollo. No other Greek gods, mind. Just Apollo. Because why not?) are trying to figure out ways to get him out of there. Charlemagne, by the way, is right, and the Spaniards are wrong; the epic repeats this about ten times in various places through the poem so you don't forget. They send an emissary to Charlemagne proposing peace; Roland, the Bestest Knight Ever, thinks they're lying but everyone else is like 'yay peace!' so Roland proposes that his stepfather go deal with them. Since the last few emissaries who got sent to deal with the pagans got their heads chopped off, his stepfather is a little bit annoyed by this proposal, and ends up making a deal with the Pagan Spaniards to leave Roland, his BFF Oliver, and a small rearguard behind so they can wipe them all out. This is where the fun really begins.
OLIVER: I see a gigantic army five times our size on the horizon! Roland, blow your horn to make Charlemagne come back so we can fight them and, you know, actually win the war.
ROLAND: NONSENSE. I would be SO EMBARRASSED if we had to call Charlemagne back to deal with a pesky pagan army.
OLIVER: No, seriously, there a hundred thousand of them out there and we're all going to die unless you call the army back. And by the way, I think your stepfather betrayed us.
ROLAND: Don't worry, Oliver. I will punch EVERY SPANIARD in the FACE! It will be fun! Also, how dare you say such things about my stepfather!
OLIVER: So, I guess we're all doomed.
There follows many many graphic stanzas of noble Franks slicing various and sundry pagans through the head.
ROLAND: Hey, Oliver, why are you using your broken lance to kill people instead of your sword?
OLIVER: BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN SO BUSY DEALING WITH THE HUNDRED THOUSAND PEOPLE TRYING TO KILL US THAT I DIDN'T HAVE TIME TO GET MY SWORD OUT. DUMBASS.
ROLAND: You know what, Oliver - I think my stepfather betrayed us!
OLIVER: I'm not speaking to you.
Then Franks start losing.
ROLAND: Oh my god, Oliver, lots of people have been killed!
OLIVER: YOU THINK?
ROLAND: I'm going to blow my horn and call Charlemagne back!
OLIVER: Oh, NOW you want to call Charlemagne back. When it's too late to save any of us. If we ever get home you are NEVER sleeping with my sister again.
ROLAND: I don't know why you're being so unpleasant right now.
OLIVER: Maybe because it's your fault that we're all going to DIE?
COMRADE ARCHBISHOP: Boys, boys! Calm down! There's lots of Spaniards to kill! Roland, you blow your horn; Oliver, get back to killing Spaniards.
ROLAND: *blows his horn. Bursts his temples wide open in the process. Keeps fighting!*
CHARLEMAGNE: What's that, Lassie? Roland's in trouble!
ROLAND'S EVIL STEPFATHER: Oh, you know that Roland. Probably he's just kidding around. Boys will be boys!
CHARLEMAGNE: TO THE RESCUE.
Meanwhile, back at the front, everyone is dying gruesomely; Oliver gets beaten up so much that he goes temporarily blind and starts beating up Roland accidentally (although I have my suspicions that it is not so accidental, considering!); Roland wanders around with his temples burst wide open from blowing the horn, weeps over Oliver, and dramatically faints a couple times in between killing Spaniards; finally, everyone except Roland is dead.
ROLAND: Charlemagne and the army will be here soon, and when they get here, I want to look my most heroic . . . okay, if I lie down to die on the ground here, looking towards the pagan army . . .
ROLAND: *carefully poses himself with all his weapons and so forth before dying*
THE ENTIRE BATTLE-HARDENED ARMY: *arrives*
TWENTY THOUSAND BATTLE-HARDENED SOLDIERS: *fall over in a dead faint*
Charlemagne also arrives, cries, goes chasing after the rest of the Spanish army, beats them to a pulp, beats up the next pagan army who arrives for reinforcements, etc. etc. and finally gets around to charging the evil stepfather with treason.
EVIL STEPFATHER: But Roland and I were fighting over money so it was totally fair for me to plot his death!
COURT OF FRANCE: Yeah, that sounds fair.
CHARLEMAGNE: . . . . . .
But someone challenges the Evil Stepfather to trial by combat, evil stepfather dies, beautiful pagan queen converts, and all is well. UNTIL the Archangel Gabriel shows up again!
ARCHANGEL GABRIEL: Hey, Charlemagne, there's a pagan army I need you to fight for this guy King Vivien.
CHARLEMAGNE (direct quote): "God, how wearisome my life is!"
Aaaaaaaaand finit. All I can say is: I'm with you on that one, Charlemagne.
no subject
Date: 2008-04-08 03:16 am (UTC)Does that make Oliver Kyouya?
no subject
Date: 2008-04-08 03:19 am (UTC). . . I was going to say, 'or allow Tamaki to date his sister', but . . .
no subject
Date: 2008-04-08 09:16 pm (UTC)And that's fair. Oliver = Kyouya with half his brain removed?