(no subject)

[skygiants]

Sometimes, you read medieval poetry and you are like "wow, those people were basically just like us!"

Sometimes, you read medieval poetry and you are like "wow, those people were all NUTJOBS."


Basically, Charlemagne is riding around on a Holy Mission conquering bits of Spain, and the Pagan Spaniards (who worship Muhammed and Apollo. No other Greek gods, mind. Just Apollo. Because why not?) are trying to figure out ways to get him out of there. Charlemagne, by the way, is right, and the Spaniards are wrong; the epic repeats this about ten times in various places through the poem so you don't forget. They send an emissary to Charlemagne proposing peace; Roland, the Bestest Knight Ever, thinks they're lying but everyone else is like 'yay peace!' so Roland proposes that his stepfather go deal with them. Since the last few emissaries who got sent to deal with the pagans got their heads chopped off, his stepfather is a little bit annoyed by this proposal, and ends up making a deal with the Pagan Spaniards to leave Roland, his BFF Oliver, and a small rearguard behind so they can wipe them all out. This is where the fun really begins.

OLIVER: I see a gigantic army five times our size on the horizon! Roland, blow your horn to make Charlemagne come back so we can fight them and, you know, actually win the war.
ROLAND: NONSENSE. I would be SO EMBARRASSED if we had to call Charlemagne back to deal with a pesky pagan army.
OLIVER: No, seriously, there a hundred thousand of them out there and we're all going to die unless you call the army back. And by the way, I think your stepfather betrayed us.
ROLAND: Don't worry, Oliver. I will punch EVERY SPANIARD in the FACE! It will be fun! Also, how dare you say such things about my stepfather!
OLIVER: So, I guess we're all doomed.

There follows many many graphic stanzas of noble Franks slicing various and sundry pagans through the head.

ROLAND: Hey, Oliver, why are you using your broken lance to kill people instead of your sword?
OLIVER: BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN SO BUSY DEALING WITH THE HUNDRED THOUSAND PEOPLE TRYING TO KILL US THAT I DIDN'T HAVE TIME TO GET MY SWORD OUT. DUMBASS.
ROLAND: You know what, Oliver - I think my stepfather betrayed us!
OLIVER: I'm not speaking to you.

Then Franks start losing.

ROLAND: Oh my god, Oliver, lots of people have been killed!
OLIVER: YOU THINK?
ROLAND: I'm going to blow my horn and call Charlemagne back!
OLIVER: Oh, NOW you want to call Charlemagne back. When it's too late to save any of us. If we ever get home you are NEVER sleeping with my sister again.
ROLAND: I don't know why you're being so unpleasant right now.
OLIVER: Maybe because it's your fault that we're all going to DIE?
COMRADE ARCHBISHOP: Boys, boys! Calm down! There's lots of Spaniards to kill! Roland, you blow your horn; Oliver, get back to killing Spaniards.
ROLAND: *blows his horn. Bursts his temples wide open in the process. Keeps fighting!*

CHARLEMAGNE: What's that, Lassie? Roland's in trouble!
ROLAND'S EVIL STEPFATHER: Oh, you know that Roland. Probably he's just kidding around. Boys will be boys!
CHARLEMAGNE: TO THE RESCUE.

Meanwhile, back at the front, everyone is dying gruesomely; Oliver gets beaten up so much that he goes temporarily blind and starts beating up Roland accidentally (although I have my suspicions that it is not so accidental, considering!); Roland wanders around with his temples burst wide open from blowing the horn, weeps over Oliver, and dramatically faints a couple times in between killing Spaniards; finally, everyone except Roland is dead.

ROLAND: Charlemagne and the army will be here soon, and when they get here, I want to look my most heroic . . . okay, if I lie down to die on the ground here, looking towards the pagan army . . .
ROLAND: *carefully poses himself with all his weapons and so forth before dying*

THE ENTIRE BATTLE-HARDENED ARMY: *arrives*
TWENTY THOUSAND BATTLE-HARDENED SOLDIERS: *fall over in a dead faint*

Charlemagne also arrives, cries, goes chasing after the rest of the Spanish army, beats them to a pulp, beats up the next pagan army who arrives for reinforcements, etc. etc. and finally gets around to charging the evil stepfather with treason.

EVIL STEPFATHER: But Roland and I were fighting over money so it was totally fair for me to plot his death!
COURT OF FRANCE: Yeah, that sounds fair.
CHARLEMAGNE: . . . . . .

But someone challenges the Evil Stepfather to trial by combat, evil stepfather dies, beautiful pagan queen converts, and all is well. UNTIL the Archangel Gabriel shows up again!

ARCHANGEL GABRIEL: Hey, Charlemagne, there's a pagan army I need you to fight for this guy King Vivien.
CHARLEMAGNE (direct quote): "God, how wearisome my life is!"

Aaaaaaaaand finit. All I can say is: I'm with you on that one, Charlemagne.

Comments

[ashen_key]

Yeah, we read some of that in medieval history.

Such.

Crack.

[skygiants]

Yeah, that's what I'm reading it for now - well, specifically, for a course on the Crusades. It is our first assignment for the class! And ohhhhhhh man. *giggling*

[adiva_calandia]

OH MAN. I got to read that in 06 when I had to design costumes for "Childe Roland To The Dark Tower Came."

I think my favorite part is still where Oliver splits Roland's helmet open and Roland is like "Eh, 'scool."

[rymenhild.livejournal.com]

Yeah, well, true brotherly love cannot be stopped by a little thing like massive violence!

[adiva_calandia]

And apparently neither can Roland's skull!

[rymenhild.livejournal.com]

Roland's skull is pretty hardy. It can take a lot of blows before it gives up.

[skygiants]

- oh, that's so cool! I think that was before I started actually following my flist/using my journal. Those designs are gorgeous.

(I'm also reading Childe Roland for another class this quarter; between this and that and the 19, I expect massive cognitive dissonance.)

And HEE yes. The only blow to the head in the poem that doesn't kill someone instantly! (Stopped by the POWER OF BROTHERLY LOVE, as Rym says below, clearly.)

[rymenhild.livejournal.com]

OLIVER'S SISTER: *swoons and DIES because her true love is dead*

[skygiants]

Poor Aude. Mentioned all of twice in the poem - once when her brother is clearly using her for a displaced "You are sleeping on the SOFA TONIGHT, mister!" and then once again to tragically die!

[rymenhild.livejournal.com]

Apparently she shows up more in the non-Oxford variants of the Roland. Feminist critics have been known to suggest darkly that the Oxford version is the most popular because it hasn't got women in it.

Then again, irisbleufic has been known to use her gendered criticism skills for Good and write large quantities of Roland/Oliver slash (http://irisbleufic.livejournal.com/tag/chanson+de+roland).

[skygiants]

O rly. That is indeed interesting! (I was kind of wondering why Roland did not mention her at all, ever, in the poem, even at the end when he is crying out his farewells to, um, EVERYONE.)

And HAH. I fully support that, although I do feel rather bad for poor Oliver, who is at least ten times as sensible as Roland.

[vivien]

King Vivien? Seriously??? >_>

That whole thing is hilarious. I agree, I'm thinking Oliver was not so accidentally beating up Mr. Uber Knight Roland.

"God, how wearisome my life is!" That's my (King Vivien's) new saying.

[skygiants]

I know! I saw the name and was like, "I have to include this for Viv." *giggling* So if any extremely tired French kings show up on your doorstep with an army, now you know why. All hail the king!

[rymenhild.livejournal.com]

Vivien shows up in several of the other chansons de geste. He dies tragically. (This makes him just like every other hero in the genre!)

[vivien]

Which is wonderfully ironic, since Vivien often translates to "lively" or "full of life".

[oneechan19.livejournal.com]

I don't normally read medieval poetry, but I would totally read this one.

[skygiants]

It is sadly a little less exciting spread out 150 pages of verse. But still awesome in a WTF sort of way if you know where to look! (And with some judicious skimming.)

[genarti]

I feel the only word here is FABULOUS.

[skygiants]

The awful thing is that as I was writing up the summary, a slow realization started creeping up on me, and the realization went, "oh shit Roland is Tamaki, isn't he."

[genarti]

Ahahaha.

Does that make Oliver Kyouya?

[skygiants]

I do not think Kyouya would ever allow himself to be stuck in poor Oliver's position, though.

. . . I was going to say, 'or allow Tamaki to date his sister', but . . .

[genarti]

Yeeeaaah. *snickers* You did see the part of the manga where it turns out Tamaki and Kyouya's sister have been talking about EXCITING COMMONER THINGS!!!, yes/no?

And that's fair. Oliver = Kyouya with half his brain removed?

[irisbleufic.livejournal.com]

ROLAND: Hey, Oliver, why are you using your broken lance to kill people instead of your sword?
OLIVER: BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN SO BUSY DEALING WITH THE HUNDRED THOUSAND PEOPLE TRYING TO KILL US THAT I DIDN'T HAVE TIME TO GET MY SWORD OUT. DUMBASS.
ROLAND: You know what, Oliver - I think my stepfather betrayed us!
OLIVER: I'm not speaking to you.

*dies laughing crying laughing*

This post is comedy gold. Hi, by the way!

[skygiants]

Hi! Glad you like!

Speaking of gold, your Roland/Oliver fics: also AWESOME. :D

[irisbleufic.livejournal.com]

Seriously, this was like reading the MST3K for CdR that I've always wanted!

(And thank you.)