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[skygiants]

It has been too long since I read wacky swashbuckling nineteenth-century fiction! Robert Louis Stevenson's The Black Arrow is a perfect (and hilarious) example of the type, involving a dim teenaged hero earnestly bouncing his way from side to side throughout the Wars of the Roses. The first third of the book involves the most hilarious cross-dressed heroine subplot I have ever read, because the hero is so oblivious. Seriously, it's incredible. Their journey is full of moments like this:

DICK: I would like passage across on the ferry for my friend John. I am helping him to escape peril that he is weirdly unspecific about except it has something to do with marriage and he gets very prickly when I talk about this girl Joanna that my evil guardian is going to make me marry even though I have never seen her!
FERRYMAN: . . . . your friend John. *CRACKS UP*
'JOHN': *looks awkward*
DICK: *blinks* John, you know what . . . I think that ferryboat driver thought you were a GIRL!
'JOHN': Uh. Really?
DICK: But I guess it's not that surprising. I mean, actually, dude, you're really girly-looking.
'JOHN': Um.
DICK: And you have really tiny hands . . .
'JOHN': Are you going somewhere with this?
DICK: And goodness knows you have no idea how to do Manly Things like ride or fight . . .
'JOHN': YES, AND?
DICK: There is only one possible conclusion! John, I am sorry, but you are a total wimp. It's okay, I like you anyways! You don't need to be manly to be my buddy.
'JOHN': And you don't have to have any brain cells to be mine, apparently! It's okay, though, you're still hot. I mean, manly. In a buddies way.

I also love the treatment of the Wars of the Roses, and by this I mean that the picking of Lancaster over York or vice versa is given exactly as much moral weight as it deserves.

IMPORTANT YORKIST LORD: So, Dick, about this civil war tearing our country apart. What side are you on?
DICK: Actually, uh, I've never really thought about it?
IMPORTANT YORKIST LORD: . . .
DICK: But I helped out a Yorkist earlier, so I guess I'm Yorkist!
IMPORTANT YORKIST LORD: Good! I will entrust you with Important Yorkist Papers now. Run off and deliver them and be a good boy.
DICK: . . . okay . . . .

Except after this, Dick finds some papers that incriminate one of his enemies for betraying Lancaster and secretly dealing with York. So off he scampers to deliver them to an important Lancastrian!

IMPORTANT LANCASTRIAN LORD: So what side are you on?
DICK: Funny enough, some guy asked me that just yesterday, and I picked York. So, go York? *waves tiny flag*
IMPORTANT LANCASTRIAN LORD: So . . . why are you trying to give me information about a lord who's betraying Lancaster for York?
DICK: Well . . . I think treachery is sort of bad in general? Um. Actually, I'm not even sure. What are the sides again?
IMPORTANT LANCASTRIAN LORD: *sighs*

So then, Dick scampers off again to go deliver the first set of Important Papers to Richard of Gloucester, aka the Duke of York! And then saves his life kind of by accident.

RICHARD OF GLOUCESTER: Thanks for saving my life. Hey, your name is Richard too? We should totally be buddies! Also, we're about to go conquer your hometown for York, want to come?
DICK: Uh. Sure?
RICHARD OF GLOUCESTER: By the way, I'm kind of a scary fanatical glory-hound with compensation issues and I don't believe in granting mercy. Just so you know. So I'll be a totally awesome king!
DICK: Maybe I should reconsider this whole 'voting York' thing . . . nah.

JOHN/JOANNA'S SPUNKY GIRLFRIEND: So - you just conquered a city for York and killed a whole bunch of my relatives.
DICK: . . . yeah . . .
JOHN/JOANNA'S SPUNKY GIRLFRIEND: And you thought this was a good idea WHY?
DICK: Actually I don't even know. But I feel kind of terrible about it now, if that helps! Also about the various other crimes that I committed over the course of the story that I thought were just normal swashbuckling activities but turned out to really screw a lot of people over.
JOHN/JOANNA'S SPUNKY GIRLFRIEND: Yeah, you're kind of a terrible person.
DICK: I'll go join a monastery if it will help?
JOHN/JOANNA'S SPUNKY GIRLFRIEND: No, I don't think it will. Also, John-Joanna will yell at me.
DICK: Well, anyways, screw this whole Wars of the Roses thing! Me and my boyfriend John - I mean, girlfriend, whom I still call John for reasons that will not be delved into - will just retire from the civil war, okay? We can do that, right?
ROBERT LOUIS STEVENSON: Sure, kid. You do that. *pats his head*

Oh Robert Louis Stevenson. Never change!