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Feb. 20th, 2009 11:21 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
skygiantsMany years ago, as a wee little high school sophomore, I read an abridged version of The Count of Monte Cristo for class. It is no surprise that we were assigned the abridged version, seeing as the full version is 1200 pages long; still, I was bitter, and swore to myself, "SOMEDAY I WILL READ THE REAL THING." (I also said, "SOMEDAY I WILL READ THE REAL THING IN FRENCH," but, uh, that is not happening at this time.) Then that same English teacher assigned us Julius Caesar and told us we didn't have to read beyond the third act because there was nothing important in the text after Antony's speech, and I forgot my bitterness over the Count because I had something new and exciting to be bitter about!
ANYWAYS. Recently, I caught the end of the Count of Monte Cristo movie on TV and I remembered my vow! And the story is just as awesome and cracked out as I remembered, oh man. I have to admit I do not care much about poor Edmond Dantes and his Terrible Sufferings, but once he reinvents himself as the crazy manipulator with at least five secret identities, OH MAN AWESOME.
My favorites are probably the parts in Italy with Franz and Albert - Albert is the son of one of Monte Cristo's terrible enemies, and Franz is his traveling buddy - because Albert totally does not get that he is living in a dramatic and dark revenge fantasy. Albert thinks he is living in Eurotrip. So much of that part of the book essentially goes like this:
Franz: Hey Albert, don't you think that the Count is kind of creepy?
Albert: The Count? Dude, he's awesome! And he hooked us up with a totally sweet ride.
Franz: Yes, but he keeps staring at you. Also he looks unnervingly like a vampire, really enjoys watching executions, has a private island for sinister purposes, hangs out with bandits, is kind of a drug dealer, has a servant with no tongue . . . are you catching my drift here with the creepiness?
Albert: Dude. Dude. What is more important - that the Count is sinister and creepy, or that I have been in Italy for three months and I have not met ANY hot Italian chicks?
OH FRANZ. I love you and I would marry you over emo Maximilien Morrel in a heartbeat. Sadly, Franz disappears after this point, but Albert continues hilarious as he chills with his BFF the Count. My favorite line in the book comes when Albert tries to convince the Count to hang out at his house:
Albert: "You were only a charming man, but you could be an adorable one!"
(Monte Cristo: WTF THE COUNT OF MONTE CRISTO IS NOT ADORABLE!!!!!!)
And, speaking of people who are amazing and probably living in the wrong book: EUGENIE DANGLARS. Eugenie is another one of the children of the Count's enemies, and he has this whole tragic fate planned out for her and her family involving surprise incest (of course) and bankruptcy and corruption, and Eugenie Danglars is all "Um, WHATEVER, I am just going to run away with my girlfriend and become a LESBIAN OPERA SINGER, so it does not matter to me!" Dumas wants to make really sure we all know she is a lesbian, too. Like, this is not a subtext thing at all; Dumas is all 'HEY, here, have a SAPPHO reference! And if that is not enough, here, have her in bed with her piano-playing girlfriend!' And based on her conversations with Albert, I'm not too sure about him, either:
Eugenie: Wow, the Count has a really gorgeous lady with him in the booth!
Albert: I guess, but . . . don't you think the Count is awfully good-looking?
Eugenie: Can't say I'd noticed.
I also love how the Count's idea of rewarding the people he likes is to . . . drive them to the point of suicide. And then of course he gets to swoop in to save them at the last minute, but, hilariously, he really wants to make sure that it is exactly the last minute; at one point he has a conversation that basically consists of "Are you suicidal yet? . . . how about now? Are you SURE you are suicidal? I am totally going to give you this poison, so you had better be COMPLETELY SURE that you are entirely and ridiculously depressed and miserable and don't want to live any more!"
OH COUNT. YOU SO CRAZY. On a more serious note, I do really like that towards the end we really are invited to judge the Count as a lunatic and sympathize with his enemies, when he makes the Dramatic Reveal to Villefort and instead of getting the guilt-stricken response he expects from Villefort, Villefort is like "UM, I don't even care, MY ENTIRE FAMILY IS DEAD, YOU FREAK." And though the Count gets over his crisis of conscience about this, that . . . is in large part because he is crazy. I do think we're expected to find his justice has gone into the realm of way, way overkill.
I also really, really want the Count to hang out with Sweeney Todd. Come on, they would have the best conversations! In my head it goes something like this:
Sweeney Todd: Man, fuck judges.
Count of Monte Cristo: I know! I totally hate those guys.
Sweeney Todd: I was completely innocent and I was condemned just because this judge wanted my wife!
Count of Monte Cristo: ME TOO. Well, my girlfriend. Fiance. And it was someone else who denounced me, and the judge actually just condemned me to save his father, but hey, close enough!
Sweeney Todd: Then the judge raped my wife and left her to go crazy and try to commit suicide and die.
Count of Monte Cristo: Well, my fiance . . . married that guy who denounced me and is living a rich and happy life . . .
Sweeney Todd: And now I'm poor and bitter and alone with only a cannibalistic pie lady who is disturbingly attracted to me for company.
Count of Monte Cristo: And now I'm really rich with a gorgeous ward and a lot of servants who adore me. But I suffered a whole lot before then, seriously. Anyways. VENGEANCE.
Sweeney Todd: Right. Vengeance! I am going to SLIT EVERYONE'S THROAT.
Count of Monte Cristo: That is not even hardcore. Make them suffer first!
Sweeney Todd: Oh, that's just for innocent people. The guilty will totally suffer! Especially that creep of a judge who is trying to marry my daughter, WHO IS HIS WARD, I mean, how sick is that!
Count of Monte Cristo: . . . . . . . . . Uh. Maybe I should be going.
(In a Sweeney Todd vs. The Count of Monte Cristo angst/craziness cage match, Sweeney Todd totally wins.)
ANYWAYS. Recently, I caught the end of the Count of Monte Cristo movie on TV and I remembered my vow! And the story is just as awesome and cracked out as I remembered, oh man. I have to admit I do not care much about poor Edmond Dantes and his Terrible Sufferings, but once he reinvents himself as the crazy manipulator with at least five secret identities, OH MAN AWESOME.
My favorites are probably the parts in Italy with Franz and Albert - Albert is the son of one of Monte Cristo's terrible enemies, and Franz is his traveling buddy - because Albert totally does not get that he is living in a dramatic and dark revenge fantasy. Albert thinks he is living in Eurotrip. So much of that part of the book essentially goes like this:
Franz: Hey Albert, don't you think that the Count is kind of creepy?
Albert: The Count? Dude, he's awesome! And he hooked us up with a totally sweet ride.
Franz: Yes, but he keeps staring at you. Also he looks unnervingly like a vampire, really enjoys watching executions, has a private island for sinister purposes, hangs out with bandits, is kind of a drug dealer, has a servant with no tongue . . . are you catching my drift here with the creepiness?
Albert: Dude. Dude. What is more important - that the Count is sinister and creepy, or that I have been in Italy for three months and I have not met ANY hot Italian chicks?
OH FRANZ. I love you and I would marry you over emo Maximilien Morrel in a heartbeat. Sadly, Franz disappears after this point, but Albert continues hilarious as he chills with his BFF the Count. My favorite line in the book comes when Albert tries to convince the Count to hang out at his house:
Albert: "You were only a charming man, but you could be an adorable one!"
(Monte Cristo: WTF THE COUNT OF MONTE CRISTO IS NOT ADORABLE!!!!!!)
And, speaking of people who are amazing and probably living in the wrong book: EUGENIE DANGLARS. Eugenie is another one of the children of the Count's enemies, and he has this whole tragic fate planned out for her and her family involving surprise incest (of course) and bankruptcy and corruption, and Eugenie Danglars is all "Um, WHATEVER, I am just going to run away with my girlfriend and become a LESBIAN OPERA SINGER, so it does not matter to me!" Dumas wants to make really sure we all know she is a lesbian, too. Like, this is not a subtext thing at all; Dumas is all 'HEY, here, have a SAPPHO reference! And if that is not enough, here, have her in bed with her piano-playing girlfriend!' And based on her conversations with Albert, I'm not too sure about him, either:
Eugenie: Wow, the Count has a really gorgeous lady with him in the booth!
Albert: I guess, but . . . don't you think the Count is awfully good-looking?
Eugenie: Can't say I'd noticed.
I also love how the Count's idea of rewarding the people he likes is to . . . drive them to the point of suicide. And then of course he gets to swoop in to save them at the last minute, but, hilariously, he really wants to make sure that it is exactly the last minute; at one point he has a conversation that basically consists of "Are you suicidal yet? . . . how about now? Are you SURE you are suicidal? I am totally going to give you this poison, so you had better be COMPLETELY SURE that you are entirely and ridiculously depressed and miserable and don't want to live any more!"
OH COUNT. YOU SO CRAZY. On a more serious note, I do really like that towards the end we really are invited to judge the Count as a lunatic and sympathize with his enemies, when he makes the Dramatic Reveal to Villefort and instead of getting the guilt-stricken response he expects from Villefort, Villefort is like "UM, I don't even care, MY ENTIRE FAMILY IS DEAD, YOU FREAK." And though the Count gets over his crisis of conscience about this, that . . . is in large part because he is crazy. I do think we're expected to find his justice has gone into the realm of way, way overkill.
I also really, really want the Count to hang out with Sweeney Todd. Come on, they would have the best conversations! In my head it goes something like this:
Sweeney Todd: Man, fuck judges.
Count of Monte Cristo: I know! I totally hate those guys.
Sweeney Todd: I was completely innocent and I was condemned just because this judge wanted my wife!
Count of Monte Cristo: ME TOO. Well, my girlfriend. Fiance. And it was someone else who denounced me, and the judge actually just condemned me to save his father, but hey, close enough!
Sweeney Todd: Then the judge raped my wife and left her to go crazy and try to commit suicide and die.
Count of Monte Cristo: Well, my fiance . . . married that guy who denounced me and is living a rich and happy life . . .
Sweeney Todd: And now I'm poor and bitter and alone with only a cannibalistic pie lady who is disturbingly attracted to me for company.
Count of Monte Cristo: And now I'm really rich with a gorgeous ward and a lot of servants who adore me. But I suffered a whole lot before then, seriously. Anyways. VENGEANCE.
Sweeney Todd: Right. Vengeance! I am going to SLIT EVERYONE'S THROAT.
Count of Monte Cristo: That is not even hardcore. Make them suffer first!
Sweeney Todd: Oh, that's just for innocent people. The guilty will totally suffer! Especially that creep of a judge who is trying to marry my daughter, WHO IS HIS WARD, I mean, how sick is that!
Count of Monte Cristo: . . . . . . . . . Uh. Maybe I should be going.
(In a Sweeney Todd vs. The Count of Monte Cristo angst/craziness cage match, Sweeney Todd totally wins.)
