skygiants

So I may have forgotten to mention the absolute delight and joy I got from watching the recent ridiculous Three Musketeers movie, starring Milla Jovovich, a bunch of dirigibles, Orlando Bloom, and Orlando Bloom's hair. (MORE ON THIS once I have a copy that I can actually screencap, because I don't feel I can properly talk about this film without VISUAL AIDS.)

Anyway, as is often the case in these scenarios, this led to a sudden and incontrollable urge to reread The Three Musketeers: Original Flavor, in all its over-the-top seventeenth-century French glory.

Guys, I had forgotten -- I mean, I knew, but I had forgotten anyway -- exactly what degree of asshole most of the Musketeers are, especially Athos. To refresh your memory, Athos is the one who is Secret Nobility with a Tragic Manpainy Past and whom Dumas spends most of his time rhapsodizing about: he's so noble! so wise! so mature! such a degree above pretty much everybody else!

Let's take a look at some of Noble Athos' actions throughout the book, shall we?

1. So there's that time that Athos locks himself up in the cellar of an inn for a week, gets roaring drunk on stolen wine, smashes everything up, eats all the food, and refuses to come out until his teenaged friend shows up to talk him down! CLASSY.

2. Or how about the time that he and all his friends are a little short on cash to go to war?

REST OF THE MUSKETEERS: We'll go out and figure out some way to get money!
ATHOS: Y'all can do that if you want. Me, I am going to sit here until money is magically delivered to my doorstep! And if that doesn't happen, I'll just commit suicide I guess or something.
REST OF THE MUSKETEERS: . . . . 'kay?

3. Oh hey, some money got magically delivered to his doorstep!

ATHOS: Oh, come on, I don't want this money. I got it from killing some guy who wasn't even worth it.
D'ARTAGNAN: So give it to our long-suffering servants who haven't gotten paid for like a month!
LONG-SUFFERING SERVANTS: :D?
ATHOS: How about I give it to . . . our enemy's presumably well-paid servants? Classy, right?
LONG-SUFFERING SERVANTS: . . . . D:

4. Speaking of long-suffering servants, then we have the secret council of war! Athos has a BRILLIANT PLAN.

REST OF THE MUSKETEERS: So what is your brilliant plan, Athos? And why are we wandering out into the middle of the battlefield?
ATHOS: Didn't I tell you guys? We're going to go have a picnic in the middle of the battlefield while fighting off fifty dudes! It is perfect for our secret war council! If we don't all get killed, I guess.
ATHOS' LONG-SUFFERING SERVANT: . . . nobody mentioned this! I am not comfortable with this.
ATHOS: Well, it is either come along, or I fire you in the terminal fashion, right here, right now.
ATHOS' LONG-SUFFERING SERVANT: D: D: D: D:

5. Oh, and how can we forget the tragic backstory?

SIXTEEN-YEAR-OLD MRS. ATHOS: Oops, I guess I never mentioned that before we were married I was branded as a thief that one time. Uh, whoops? Sorry?
ATHOS: Oh, look, here's a tree! And a rope! Instead of letting you explain, how about I hang you RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW?
SIXTEEN-YEAR-OLD MRS. ATHOS: I like how I'm supposed to be the villain of this story.

So that's Athos! And this is not even getting into D'Artagnan, who earns almost as many points on assholishness, although admittedly he skips the wife-homicide. The only one who comes off halfway well is Aramis, who spends most of the book politely explaining that it would be ungentlemanly to talk about his secret girlfriend no matter how much everybody wants him to.

. . . that being said, assholes or not, I devoured the whole six hundred page tome in two days, so, you know, clearly I enjoyed reading it. It's funny! It's action-packed! I just also spent most of the book secretly rooting for Athos to die.

genarti asked me for my top five favorite book covers! She gave me full reign to be ironic in my love, which is a privilege I will try not to abuse. At least 50% of these will also be rooted in fond nostalgia rather than any artistic merit, so . . . you are warned? I also stretch the definition of 'top five' a little, you are also warned.

( Lots of images under the cut, obviously! )

What about you guys? Favorite covers? Notoriously terrible covers that you have braved to find the gold within? Or, alternately, covers that should justly have been a warning to you?