(no subject)

oh man guys I just started reading The Rabbi's Cat after having meant to for years and this is what happens in the first few pages:

CAT: So now I can talk! What I would like to say is: I totally did not gain the ability to speak by eating the parrot. The parrot ... went to visit its relatives. In the country.
RABBI: .... so now I have a talking cat, and it's a BIG FAT LIAR. Wow. Cat, you are the worst! And you're a terrible Jew!
CAT: HOW DO YOU KNOW I'M EVEN JEWISH.
RABBI: ...
CAT: I've never even been Bar Mitzvahed.
RABBI: Cat, you are seven.
CAT: THAT'S 49 IN CAT YEARS. If I'm going to be Jewish I want to be Bar Mitzvahed.
RABBI: Well ... I guess we'll take you to my rabbi and see ... what he thinks ... about talking cats getting Bar Mitzvahed ...
RABBI'S RABBI: Wow, cat, you are the worst. You are a big fat liar, and also, you are terrible, and also, the idea of cats getting Bar Mitzvahed is patently absurd.
CAT: OR MAYBE, I am GOD who has come down from Heaven in the form of a HUMBLE CAT to TEST YOU, and you have FAILED.
RABBI'S RABBI: ahhhh! Forgive me!
CAT: lol jk I'm totally not God! trololololol
RABBI'S RABBI: Rabbi, your talking cat is the actual worst entity on this planet and I hate it more than I've ever hated anything.

THIS CAT IS THE BEST WORST. HE'S SUCH A JERK. IT'S AMAZING. why did I wait so long to read this book.