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Apr. 4th, 2012 07:06 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
skygiantsSome of you guys may remember when I reread Fifth Quarter, Tanya Huff's GLORIOUS MASTERPIECE of a novel about incestuous assassins and the bodyswapping serial killers who love them, and the magic singing lesbians who also love them, and also a zombie master.
Given that, I don't know why it took me a year and a half to get around to reading the sequel, but I just did now, and it was EVERYTHING I HOPED AND DREAMED.
For those of you to whom this is a new journey, I will re-introduce you to our primary players:
VREE: A hot and tragic assassin trying to FIND HERSELF
GYHARD: A bodyswapping serial killer, reformed now through the POWER OF LOVE!
BANNON: Vree's codependent hot assassin younger brother. Still bitter that Vree would not let him have sex with anything while he was sharing a body with her
KARLENE: A lesbian bard with a thing for hot and tragic assassins
KARS: STILL A ZOMBIE MASTER
So when THIS book starts, Vree and Gyhard are on their way to the land of magical bards in the hope that they can somehow figure out a way out of the awkward sitcom body-sharing dilemma that they ended up in after the end of the last book.
VREE: But while we are on our way there I might as well do some daring heroics and capture a notorious pirate queen!
GYHARD: AHHH THAT JUMP IS NOT HUMANLY POSSIBLE! AHHHH YOU JUST CAUGHT YOURSELF BY YOUR FINGERTIPS! *CLUTCHES PEARLS*
VREE: Dude, this is what highly trained assassins do. Chill!
GYHARD: AHHH OH MY GOD WHY DID I THINK SHARING A BODY WITH AN ASSASSIN WAS A GOOD IDEA AHHH WE'RE GOING TO DIE
BECCA: . . . this is the best plotline ever. *___*
AND NOW WE ARE IN MAGICAL BARD LAND
THE BARDS: . . . so Karlene, would you like to provide us with a message telling us about this tragic assassin and bodyswapping serial killer you have saddled us with?
KARLENE: Here is what you need to know: Vree is super hot and super tragic and should get the happiest of happy endings, make it so! Gyhard, on the other hand, is sketchy and untrustworthy and I would be happy if he fell in a pit and was never seen again.
THE BARDS: Well that message was totally unbiased. On the other hand, Vree is really hot, and Gyhard is at least theoretically hot, so . . . BALLAD TIME!
*LULZY TERRIBLE BALLADS ENSUE*
MAGGI: HELLO VREE AND GYHARD! I am a TEENAGED MAGICAL HEALER and I think your story is the most TRAGICALLY ROMANTICAL thing that has EVER HAPPENED and I want people to write ALL THE SONGS about you and I will TOTALLY FIND YOU A BODY SOMEHOW GYHARD so you two can have ALL THE SEX.
VREE: . . . @___@
MAGGI: Also I mean so you don't accidentally merge into one creepy person or something, I guess. Or so Gyhard doesn't accidentally murder you and take over your body. Although I mean, THAT would NEVER happen because he is SO IN LOVE, but . . . just in case . . .
GYHARD: Vree, while we are on the topic, I wish you were more careful about me accidentally murdering you and taking over your body. D:
VREE: Oh, so it's my job to be careful about you accidentally murdering me? BECAUSE THAT IS NOT A FUN JOB.
GYHARD: I just don't want to hurt you! And, I mean, I am a bodyswapping serial killer.
VREE: TOO BAD. If you don't want to hurt me, that is YOUR RESPONSIBILITY, dude. MAN UP.
(BECCA: That is actually . . . astoundingly refreshing! THANK YOU, TANYA HUFF, for remembering that it is in fact A DUDE'S RESPONSIBILITY not to hurt a lady, and not a lady's responsibility to take extravagant precautions to avoid being hurt!)
MAGGI'S UNCLE THE KING: So someone tell me why we thought it was a good idea to have my niece hanging out with an unstable assassin and the serial killer who shares her brain?
THE BARDS: Well, but . . . I mean . . Vree is so hot and tragic . . . we're pretty sure Maggi's in no real danger from someone that sexy!
MAGGI'S UNCLE THE KING: Somehow I find this not reassuring. Gerek!
GEREK: Hello! I am Maggi's hot older brother and I have decided to join the in-love-with-Vree club.
MAGGI: Gerek! Are you so blind that you can't see that VREE and THE SERIAL KILLER WHO SHARES HER HEAD are in love?
GEREK, IN AN ACTUAL QUOTE: That's not love, Maggi. That's masturbation.
MAGGI: >:| >:| >:|
MEANWHILE, UP IN THE MOUNTAINS . . .
KARS THE ZOMBIE MASTER: If I kill all the people, I can make all the zombie friends! :D :D :D :D
SO HALFWAY THROUGH THE BOOK IT'S TIME FOR SOME ACTUAL PLOT
BANNON: Hello Vree! I am back and I miss our codependent incestuous ways! I also want to kill the guy in your head, because he was mean to me.
VREE: . . . so I guess we should probably go up to the mountains and deal with your zombie master ex-boyfriend now, Gyhard!
GYHARD: . . . are you just saying this because your codependent incestuous brother is in town and you don't want to deal with him?
VREE: . . . maybe.
MAGGI: I'M COMING TOO! Because YOU TWO WILL NEVER GET EMOTIONAL CLOSURE unless we GO TAKE CARE OF THIS.
VREE: . . . also aren't you like the only person with magical healing skills enough to fix zombies?
MAGGI: Well, I mean, that too. Also . . . let's not tell my uncle the king in case he has a heart attack.
(MAGGI'S UNCLE THE KING: *has an actual heart attack*)
VREE: . . . so does that mean I'll have to talk about my feelings during this whole heroic road trip?
MAGGI: YES. >:D
VREE: D:
GEREK: Okay, well I guess I'm off to bring Maggi and Vree and the guy in Vree's head back home to let someone else deal with the zombies!
BANNON: I am coming too! I MUST GET MY SISTER BACK.
GEREK: Whoa, Bannon, you are as hot as your sister! I would totally tap that. Shame about the personality.
BANNON: You are pretty hot yourself! Shame about the fact you're an idiot.
GEREK: So, Bannon . . . just out of curiosity . . . have you ever considered having a relationship with your sister that wasn't creepily possessive and incestuous?
BANNON: . . . what a strange new concept.
MEANWHILE, OFF IN THE MOUNTAINS
KARS: So while everyone's been off arguing about their feelings I just killed forty more people and made ten more zombies. No biggie or anything.
A HEROIC YOUNG MAN: Dude! You just killed like my whole family and I am the only person left alive and I must --
KARS: Oh, your body might technically be alive, but now YOUR SPIRIT is dead. AWESOME, I just discovered a new type of zombie! \o/
BUT IT'S OKAY BECAUSE EVERYBODY IS IN HOT PURSUIT
VREE: Except I'm going to take some time out to strip naked and rescue a lady from a cave-in, BECAUSE I CAN.
GYHARD: AHHH AHHH AHH WE'RE HANGING FROM A CLIFF FROM OUR FINGERNAILS WE'RE GOING TO DIE! Also, WHY ARE WE NAKED? I AM NOT COMFORTABLE WITH ANY OF THIS.
BECCA: The wacky hijinks never get old!
AND THEN THERE ARE SOME DELAYS
GEREK: Maggi, I am under orders from the queen to bring you and your hot assassin friend home!
MAGGI: But if you do that they will never get EMOTIONAL CLOSURE!
GEREK: . . . well I mean I guess orders from the queen aren't that big a deal.
BANNON: Vree, I am going to bring you home and make you be my incestuous sister again!
VREE: Yeah, and I'm going to knock you unconscious in two seconds flat.
BANNON: >:| >:| >:|
BUT NOW EVERYBODY IS IN HOT PURSUIT FOR REAL
GEREK AND MAGGI: Except we basically just fell in the water and nearly drowned ourselves.
KARLENE: Heeeere I am to save the day! Vree, you didn't happen to notice me being dashingly heroic, did you . . .?
MAGGI: Karlene! Are you so blind that you can't see that VREE and THE SERIAL KILLER WHO SHARES HER HEAD are in love?
KARLENE: *SIGH*
GEREK: I feel you, bro.
BANNON: I feel you too . . . but I would rather be feeling my sister.
(VREE: Why do I always end up traveling in parties that are entirely composed of people who want to have sex with me? I'm just asking.)
GYHARD: Well, I guess now it is time to face my zombie master ex for real!
VREE: How about some mind-meld pseudo-sex first?
GYHARD: . . . wow. Damn. That was hot.
VREE: Seriously. *__* Wanna go again?
KARS: Um, guys, still being a zombie master over here.
GYHARD: OH YES RIGHT. So, Kars, I'm sorry about that time that I abandoned you, and sorry about time that you tried to kill me and turn me into a zombie, and sorry about the fact that I'm going to snap your neck in about ten seconds. We cool?
KARS: . . . Gyhard, my love?
GYHARD: Yes, Kars?
KARS: . . . . were you always a lady? Because I'm pretty sure I'd remember that.
GYHARD: . . .
AND THEN EVERYONE FIGHTS ZOMBIES FOR A WHILE UNTIL GYHARD KILLS KARS BUT THEN KARS IS A ZOMBIE TOO AND IT'S ALL VERY DRAMATIC
BANNON: And now I am learning that sibling relationships can be great and non-incestuous BOTH! \o/
KARS: And now I can see the way to die happily! Sorry about all the trauma and mass murder, guys! \o/
MAGGI'S MOM: Also I'm here now to provide some deus ex machina help, because moms are the best! \o/
GYHARD: Well, that closure was nice and all, but we are still stuck with our original wacky sitcom dilemma, and I don't think my nerves can take much more hanging from rooftops.
MAGGI: Oh look what I found! A heroic young man whose body is alive but whose spirit is dead! And conveniently all his friends and family are dead too so nobody's gonna care that you're walking around wearing his face. It's a moral-dilemma free way for you and Vree to BE TOGETHER!
BECCA: I am not so sure it is actually moral dilemma-free --
MAGGI: SHUT UP NO MORAL DILEMMAS HERE LA LA LA LA LA LA TRUE ROMANCE
AND THEN EVERYTHING IS JUST KIND OF TOTALLY FINE I GUESS?
VREE: But this is so weird! We're like . . . two normal people! With real, non-shared-headspace feelings! I don't know what to do with all these feels.
GYHARD: What about using your feelings for sexytimes with me? :D :D :D
VREE: . . . I guess that'll do.
Given that, I don't know why it took me a year and a half to get around to reading the sequel, but I just did now, and it was EVERYTHING I HOPED AND DREAMED.
For those of you to whom this is a new journey, I will re-introduce you to our primary players:
VREE: A hot and tragic assassin trying to FIND HERSELF
GYHARD: A bodyswapping serial killer, reformed now through the POWER OF LOVE!
BANNON: Vree's codependent hot assassin younger brother. Still bitter that Vree would not let him have sex with anything while he was sharing a body with her
KARLENE: A lesbian bard with a thing for hot and tragic assassins
KARS: STILL A ZOMBIE MASTER
So when THIS book starts, Vree and Gyhard are on their way to the land of magical bards in the hope that they can somehow figure out a way out of the awkward sitcom body-sharing dilemma that they ended up in after the end of the last book.
VREE: But while we are on our way there I might as well do some daring heroics and capture a notorious pirate queen!
GYHARD: AHHH THAT JUMP IS NOT HUMANLY POSSIBLE! AHHHH YOU JUST CAUGHT YOURSELF BY YOUR FINGERTIPS! *CLUTCHES PEARLS*
VREE: Dude, this is what highly trained assassins do. Chill!
GYHARD: AHHH OH MY GOD WHY DID I THINK SHARING A BODY WITH AN ASSASSIN WAS A GOOD IDEA AHHH WE'RE GOING TO DIE
BECCA: . . . this is the best plotline ever. *___*
AND NOW WE ARE IN MAGICAL BARD LAND
THE BARDS: . . . so Karlene, would you like to provide us with a message telling us about this tragic assassin and bodyswapping serial killer you have saddled us with?
KARLENE: Here is what you need to know: Vree is super hot and super tragic and should get the happiest of happy endings, make it so! Gyhard, on the other hand, is sketchy and untrustworthy and I would be happy if he fell in a pit and was never seen again.
THE BARDS: Well that message was totally unbiased. On the other hand, Vree is really hot, and Gyhard is at least theoretically hot, so . . . BALLAD TIME!
*LULZY TERRIBLE BALLADS ENSUE*
MAGGI: HELLO VREE AND GYHARD! I am a TEENAGED MAGICAL HEALER and I think your story is the most TRAGICALLY ROMANTICAL thing that has EVER HAPPENED and I want people to write ALL THE SONGS about you and I will TOTALLY FIND YOU A BODY SOMEHOW GYHARD so you two can have ALL THE SEX.
VREE: . . . @___@
MAGGI: Also I mean so you don't accidentally merge into one creepy person or something, I guess. Or so Gyhard doesn't accidentally murder you and take over your body. Although I mean, THAT would NEVER happen because he is SO IN LOVE, but . . . just in case . . .
GYHARD: Vree, while we are on the topic, I wish you were more careful about me accidentally murdering you and taking over your body. D:
VREE: Oh, so it's my job to be careful about you accidentally murdering me? BECAUSE THAT IS NOT A FUN JOB.
GYHARD: I just don't want to hurt you! And, I mean, I am a bodyswapping serial killer.
VREE: TOO BAD. If you don't want to hurt me, that is YOUR RESPONSIBILITY, dude. MAN UP.
(BECCA: That is actually . . . astoundingly refreshing! THANK YOU, TANYA HUFF, for remembering that it is in fact A DUDE'S RESPONSIBILITY not to hurt a lady, and not a lady's responsibility to take extravagant precautions to avoid being hurt!)
MAGGI'S UNCLE THE KING: So someone tell me why we thought it was a good idea to have my niece hanging out with an unstable assassin and the serial killer who shares her brain?
THE BARDS: Well, but . . . I mean . . Vree is so hot and tragic . . . we're pretty sure Maggi's in no real danger from someone that sexy!
MAGGI'S UNCLE THE KING: Somehow I find this not reassuring. Gerek!
GEREK: Hello! I am Maggi's hot older brother and I have decided to join the in-love-with-Vree club.
MAGGI: Gerek! Are you so blind that you can't see that VREE and THE SERIAL KILLER WHO SHARES HER HEAD are in love?
GEREK, IN AN ACTUAL QUOTE: That's not love, Maggi. That's masturbation.
MAGGI: >:| >:| >:|
MEANWHILE, UP IN THE MOUNTAINS . . .
KARS THE ZOMBIE MASTER: If I kill all the people, I can make all the zombie friends! :D :D :D :D
SO HALFWAY THROUGH THE BOOK IT'S TIME FOR SOME ACTUAL PLOT
BANNON: Hello Vree! I am back and I miss our codependent incestuous ways! I also want to kill the guy in your head, because he was mean to me.
VREE: . . . so I guess we should probably go up to the mountains and deal with your zombie master ex-boyfriend now, Gyhard!
GYHARD: . . . are you just saying this because your codependent incestuous brother is in town and you don't want to deal with him?
VREE: . . . maybe.
MAGGI: I'M COMING TOO! Because YOU TWO WILL NEVER GET EMOTIONAL CLOSURE unless we GO TAKE CARE OF THIS.
VREE: . . . also aren't you like the only person with magical healing skills enough to fix zombies?
MAGGI: Well, I mean, that too. Also . . . let's not tell my uncle the king in case he has a heart attack.
(MAGGI'S UNCLE THE KING: *has an actual heart attack*)
VREE: . . . so does that mean I'll have to talk about my feelings during this whole heroic road trip?
MAGGI: YES. >:D
VREE: D:
GEREK: Okay, well I guess I'm off to bring Maggi and Vree and the guy in Vree's head back home to let someone else deal with the zombies!
BANNON: I am coming too! I MUST GET MY SISTER BACK.
GEREK: Whoa, Bannon, you are as hot as your sister! I would totally tap that. Shame about the personality.
BANNON: You are pretty hot yourself! Shame about the fact you're an idiot.
GEREK: So, Bannon . . . just out of curiosity . . . have you ever considered having a relationship with your sister that wasn't creepily possessive and incestuous?
BANNON: . . . what a strange new concept.
MEANWHILE, OFF IN THE MOUNTAINS
KARS: So while everyone's been off arguing about their feelings I just killed forty more people and made ten more zombies. No biggie or anything.
A HEROIC YOUNG MAN: Dude! You just killed like my whole family and I am the only person left alive and I must --
KARS: Oh, your body might technically be alive, but now YOUR SPIRIT is dead. AWESOME, I just discovered a new type of zombie! \o/
BUT IT'S OKAY BECAUSE EVERYBODY IS IN HOT PURSUIT
VREE: Except I'm going to take some time out to strip naked and rescue a lady from a cave-in, BECAUSE I CAN.
GYHARD: AHHH AHHH AHH WE'RE HANGING FROM A CLIFF FROM OUR FINGERNAILS WE'RE GOING TO DIE! Also, WHY ARE WE NAKED? I AM NOT COMFORTABLE WITH ANY OF THIS.
BECCA: The wacky hijinks never get old!
AND THEN THERE ARE SOME DELAYS
GEREK: Maggi, I am under orders from the queen to bring you and your hot assassin friend home!
MAGGI: But if you do that they will never get EMOTIONAL CLOSURE!
GEREK: . . . well I mean I guess orders from the queen aren't that big a deal.
BANNON: Vree, I am going to bring you home and make you be my incestuous sister again!
VREE: Yeah, and I'm going to knock you unconscious in two seconds flat.
BANNON: >:| >:| >:|
BUT NOW EVERYBODY IS IN HOT PURSUIT FOR REAL
GEREK AND MAGGI: Except we basically just fell in the water and nearly drowned ourselves.
KARLENE: Heeeere I am to save the day! Vree, you didn't happen to notice me being dashingly heroic, did you . . .?
MAGGI: Karlene! Are you so blind that you can't see that VREE and THE SERIAL KILLER WHO SHARES HER HEAD are in love?
KARLENE: *SIGH*
GEREK: I feel you, bro.
BANNON: I feel you too . . . but I would rather be feeling my sister.
(VREE: Why do I always end up traveling in parties that are entirely composed of people who want to have sex with me? I'm just asking.)
GYHARD: Well, I guess now it is time to face my zombie master ex for real!
VREE: How about some mind-meld pseudo-sex first?
GYHARD: . . . wow. Damn. That was hot.
VREE: Seriously. *__* Wanna go again?
KARS: Um, guys, still being a zombie master over here.
GYHARD: OH YES RIGHT. So, Kars, I'm sorry about that time that I abandoned you, and sorry about time that you tried to kill me and turn me into a zombie, and sorry about the fact that I'm going to snap your neck in about ten seconds. We cool?
KARS: . . . Gyhard, my love?
GYHARD: Yes, Kars?
KARS: . . . . were you always a lady? Because I'm pretty sure I'd remember that.
GYHARD: . . .
AND THEN EVERYONE FIGHTS ZOMBIES FOR A WHILE UNTIL GYHARD KILLS KARS BUT THEN KARS IS A ZOMBIE TOO AND IT'S ALL VERY DRAMATIC
BANNON: And now I am learning that sibling relationships can be great and non-incestuous BOTH! \o/
KARS: And now I can see the way to die happily! Sorry about all the trauma and mass murder, guys! \o/
MAGGI'S MOM: Also I'm here now to provide some deus ex machina help, because moms are the best! \o/
GYHARD: Well, that closure was nice and all, but we are still stuck with our original wacky sitcom dilemma, and I don't think my nerves can take much more hanging from rooftops.
MAGGI: Oh look what I found! A heroic young man whose body is alive but whose spirit is dead! And conveniently all his friends and family are dead too so nobody's gonna care that you're walking around wearing his face. It's a moral-dilemma free way for you and Vree to BE TOGETHER!
BECCA: I am not so sure it is actually moral dilemma-free --
MAGGI: SHUT UP NO MORAL DILEMMAS HERE LA LA LA LA LA LA TRUE ROMANCE
AND THEN EVERYTHING IS JUST KIND OF TOTALLY FINE I GUESS?
VREE: But this is so weird! We're like . . . two normal people! With real, non-shared-headspace feelings! I don't know what to do with all these feels.
GYHARD: What about using your feelings for sexytimes with me? :D :D :D
VREE: . . . I guess that'll do.
no subject
Date: 2012-04-05 01:29 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-04-05 01:36 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-04-05 01:37 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-04-05 01:56 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-04-05 01:50 am (UTC)GEREK, IN AN ACTUAL QUOTE: That's not love, Maggi. That's masturbation.
omg, my soulmate??
no subject
Date: 2012-04-05 01:55 am (UTC)(I am only sad that quote wasn't in the last book, where the answer to the question 'incest or masturbation?' legitimately was 'BOTH! :D')
no subject
Date: 2012-04-05 02:05 am (UTC)WHAT
WHAT
(INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW: DID BANNON/GEREK ACTUALLY HAPPEN?)
no subject
Date: 2012-04-05 02:10 am (UTC)HOWEVER, Bannon/Damselled Prince from the last book TOTALLY DID!
(Bannon came back home at the end and was like "MY PRINCE I had to leave to go after my sister because of THE POWER OF LOVE! But I came back to YOU despite the risk of getting executed for treason . . . also because of THE POWER OF LOVE!"
And the prince was like "Great! I understand THE POWER OF LOVE! Now I'm gonna go propose to my fourteen-year-old cousin to make sure you don't get executed and can stay by my side forever!"
And the fourteen-year-old-cousin was like "ACTUALLY I have been planning our wedding for months."
So that all . . . worked out well . . .?
Thinking back I don't know why I didn't include this bit in my recap.)
no subject
Date: 2012-04-05 02:11 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-04-05 02:15 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-04-05 02:18 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-04-05 02:07 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-04-05 02:13 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-04-05 03:43 am (UTC)*bats eyelashes*
no subject
Date: 2012-04-05 04:08 am (UTC). . . but on the other hand I am totally kind of craving more Tanya Huff now . . .
no subject
Date: 2012-04-05 07:36 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-04-05 07:37 pm (UTC)Did I mention the musical numbers? There were musical numbers.
no subject
Date: 2012-04-06 10:34 am (UTC)I WOULD WATCH EVERY EPISODE OF THIS SHOW.
THREE TIMES.