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Jul. 12th, 2015 01:15 pmSo once upon a time a young Canadian philosophy student named Guy Gavriel Kay got hired to help Christopher Tolkien sort out the Silmarillion. Then he went home to Canada, became a lawyer, and decided to write an epic self-insert trilogy in which a bunch of Canadian law students encounter EVERY RIDICULOUS FANTASY TROPE that the Silmarillion contains, thrown into a blender with some Welsh mythology, some Arthuriana, some Dorothy Dunnett, and basically everything else that GGK ever encountered and thought was kind of cool.
The result was the Fionavar Tapestry. It is hugely dramatic and deeply ridiculous and tropetastic up the wazoo and I love it with a GREAT AND TERRIBLE PASSION.
Anyway it struck me recently that it had been about ten years since I reread the trilogy, and that I had never really written here very much about it, and all of a sudden both of these were things that I needed to do IMMEDIATELY.
...we're gonna start with The Summer Tree, since if I try to do all three at once this is going to take a million years.
So The Summer Tree begins with our five protagonists hanging out at an academic lecture at the University of Toronto:
KEVIN, the funny one who is really good having sex
PAUL, Kevin's BFF, who has a dead girlfriend and is laden with manpain about it
JENNIFER, Kevin's ex, apparently the most beautiful woman in Canada
KIM, Jennifer's roommate, the other funny one
DAVE, who doesn't know any of these people but Kevin, and doesn't like him, and is already 100% done with this book
Immediately the lecture is done they are whisked away by the lecturer, Lorenzo, and his faithful dwarf sidekick.
WIZARD LOREN: So, hey, funny story: although you know me as famous academic Lorenzo, actually I am a wizard named Loren from an alternate universe, and this is my soulbonded magical partner, the ex-king of the dwarves.
MATT, THE EX-KING OF THE DWARVES: Yo.
KIM: Wait, OK, hang on, real questions time: if you don't even live in this universe, how did you have time to become a world-famous academic who can fill a packed lecture hall during summer vacation?
WIZARD LOREN: That's not important now. What's important is that I've come to bring five people back with me for our king's anniversary party! Who's in? You'll get two weeks in fantasyland on Narnia time and won't lose any time here, it'll be a blast!
KEVIN, PAUL, JENNIFER AND KIM: Sure, why not?
DAVE: Um, this sounds .... impossible and weird ... and I don't actually like any of you ... and there's a big exam coming up .... so think I'm gonna go? I think I'm just gonna go.
KEVIN: But think about having two extra weeks to study for that big upcoming law exam!
DAVE: >:(
KEVIN: Also, I aced it last year, and I'll lend you my notes.
DAVE, WHO IS BY NOW AT LEAST 200% DONE WITH THIS BOOK: Fine, whatever.
So they all get magically portaled through into the main palace inMiddle-Earth Fionavar!
KEVIN: Crap, crap, where's Dave?
WIZARD LOREN: Ummmmm it seems like we accidentally lost him in transit. It's OK, he'll be around Fionavar somewhere! We'll find him eventually.
KEVIN: Man, he's gonna be at least 300% done with everything by the time we catch up with him. Oh, well, at least he's got my legal notes to work on.
But in the meantime everyone has other things to worry about, likeFrancis Crawford of Lymond Prince Hal Diarmuid, the hot and irresponsible drunken son of the king!
HOT AND IRRESPONSIBLE DIARMUID: Hey, yo, hey, nice to meet you .... hey, baby.
JENNIFER: .... nope!
HOT AND IRRESPONSIBLE DIARMUID: Oh, well, can't blame a guy for trying. Yo, Kevin, Paul, wanna come with me and my merry band of miscreants on a hazardous and probably life-threatening adventure tomorrow?
KEVIN: ...sure, I guess?
PAUL: I don't actually care whether I live or die, so that sounds fine to me.
WIZARD LOREN: So, Your Majesty, here are the people I brought back from the other world for your party, and --
THE KING: We are in the middle of an enormous drought, my oldest son is exiled, I'm like ninety years old, and I thinkSauron the great evil below the mountain is probably rising again, sooooo this is not my highest priority right now, but thanks! Do any of them play chess?
WIZARD LOREN: Ummmm I don't think ...
PAUL: I'm really good at chess. I'm really good at everything, actually. Except feelings.
THE KING: ... great! Symbolic chess game tonight, then!
So Paul and the King have a game of symbolic chess, during which Paul happens to learn, entirely coincidentally, that traditionally the way to break the drought is for the king to hang himself up on a tree for three days and nights as a human sacrifice! And the king's oldest son is exiled because the king wouldn't let him turn himself into tree sacrifice!
PAUL: Sorry about your draught, dude. I get it; I have a drought inside my heart.
KEVIN: You know, buddy, I know you're sad about your dead girlfriend, but you could just cry it out --
PAUL: I CAN NEVER CRY.
Now that Paul's manpain has again been established, Kevin and Paul are free to head off with Diarmuid and his merry band of miscreants.
KEVIN: So, um ... where are we actually going?
HOT AND IRRESPONSIBLE DIARMUID: We're going to descend a four-hundred-foot cliff, cross a deadly river, and infiltrate a neighboring kingdom!
KEVIN: ...why ......?
HOT AND IRRESPONSIBLE DIARMUID: So I can seduce the Princess Sharra, awwww yeah, up high!
KEVIN: And you guys are all cool with risking your lives so Diarmuid can get laid?
DIARMUID'S MERRY BAND OF MISCREANTS: Of course we are! Awwww yeah, up high!
KEVIN: Paul, are you OK with risking your life so Diarmuid can get laid ....?
PAUL: I still don't care if I live or die, so this still sounds fine to me.
Meanwhile, Kim has gotten carried off by the local seer!
YSANNE THE SEER: Yer a seer, Kim!
KIM: Wait, how do you know?
YSANNE THE SEER: Um, because ... I saw it ...
KIM: Oh yeah.
YSANNE THE SEER: Please come with me to have everything tragic that's ever happened in this kingdom magically infodumped upon you and then take charge of an ancient and terrible magic.
KIM: But...I'm supposed to be the funny one...!
YSANNE: Not anymore.
So Kim has an extremely dramatic night, over the course of which her hair goes WHITE and she gains all kinds of TERRIBLE KNOWLEDGE, and then Ysanne kills herself and gives her soul to Kim so that Kim can have even MORE knowledge and guide the kingdom in the dark days to come!
KIM: ...seriously? I literally just got here two days ago!
Meanwhile meanwhile, Jennifer is hanging out in the palace like "welp ... all my friends are off doing plot things, so .... guess I'm going to ... make friends with some local ladies in waiting or something ...... ?"
JAELLE, THE ANGRY MAN-HATING FEMINIST HIGH PRIESTESS: You could make friends with me!
JENNIFER: ...nah, I think I'm gonna go on a picnic with a lady-in-waiting instead.
Along the way, she bumps into someelves lios alfar, who are beautiful and golden and tall and sail off to the West and we're just going to call them elves, OK?
SOME ELVES: Normally we don't like hanging out with humans, but dang, you are almost beautiful enough to be an elf. Can we join your picnic?
JENNIFER: OK! :)
GALADAN THE WOLFLORD: Except I am here to turn your picnic into a picnic of murder and carry you off toSauron the great evil below the mountain!
JENNIFER: Why me??
GALADAN THE WOLFLORD: I dunno, that's what you get for being the most beautiful woman in Canada?
JENNIFER: And who are you even?
GALADAN THE WOLFLORD: Oh, just a half-divine dude who turns into a wolf and wants to destroy everything.
JENNIFER: And why do you want to destroy everything
GALADAN THE WOLFLORD: Because once ... a long time ago .... a girl dumped me.
Alas, none of Jennifer's friends know for like two days that she's been carried off by the ultimate evil, because Kim is still busy learning the entire tragical-epical history of Fionavar and being traumatized, and Kevin and Paul are on their way back from Diarmuid's Mission O'Seduction.
HOT AND IRRESPONSIBLE DIARMUID: Now that I have successfully tricked Princess Sharra into sleeping with me, a decision that will certainly have no repercussions whatsoever, it's time for a barfight! And then we can all get laid!
KEVIN: Aww yeah, finally, something I am good at!
However, just when Kevin is done with one round of amazing sex with a barmaid, he is interrupted by ... another, weeping barmaid!
KEVIN: Hey, what are you doing here, I thought you went off to bang Paul?
WEEPING BARMAID: Man, I tried, but it was bad sex, and he was just so sad about his dead girlfriend, so I started crying, and then he was like 'look, if you want good sex, go to Kevin,' so ... here I am ......?
KEVIN: Oh my god, Paul, you can't just send girls to me for good sex every time you make them cry!
PAUL: Uh, I don't see why not.
KEVIN: Seriously, dude, just cry it out! JUST CRY IT OUT. FEEL YOUR FEELINGS.
PAUL: I can never cry and I can never feel feelings.
KEVIN: You know what, I'm so annoyed I'm gonna play the song I wrote for your dead girlfriend, how about that? Are you gonna cry now?
PAUL: You know what, no! You know what, I'm just gonna go sacrifice myself toOdin Mornir on the sacrifice tree to make it rain! How do you like me now?
KEVIN: This is a VERY DISPROPORTIONATE REACTION, PAUL!
PAUL: MAYBE THIS WILL MAKE IT RAIN INSIDE MY HEART, KEVIN!
Because what Kevin does not know is that not only did Paul's girlfriend tragically die -- she tragically died in a car crash, when Paul was driving, right after she dumped him! And for this, Paul cannot forgive himself, because what if he crashed the car accidentally-on-purpose? What if.
So Paul goes and hangs himself crankily up on the tree, where he has a very eventful three nights:
AILERON, THE KING'S OLDER, LESS IRRESPONSIBLE, BUT ALSO LESS HOT SON: I can't believe you stole my death! What an asshole.
GALADAN THE WOLFLORD: While I respect this noble suicide over a girl dumping you, might I recommend trying to destroy everything instead?
A MAGICAL PUPPY DOG: *does not say anything, because it's not actually a talking magical puppy dog, but fights off Galadan when he tries to murder Paul, so that's helpful*
THE GREAT GODODIN MORNIR: Have some rain! Also, some rain in your heart.
THE GREAT MOTHER GODDESS: Thank you for your noble sacrifice. As a present, let me tell you: you did not purposefully kill your girlfriend! You're welcome.
PAUL: YES OK GREAT I will happily cry myself to death now. :D
THE GREAT GODODIN MORNIR: Oh also, since you were so noble, you get to come back to life as my avatar! You're welcome.
PAUL: ... not sure if want ....
JAELLE THE MAN-HATING FEMINIST HIGH PRIESTESS: I cannot BELIEVE you, a man, got to talk to the Mother Goddess.
PAUL: Um, I ... have been on a tree for three days, starving and dying of exposure, so ... could I maybe get something to eat and drink before we have this argument ....?
JAELLE THE MAN-HATING FEMINIST HIGH PRIESTESS: NO YOU CANNOT.
Meanwhile, poor Kevin makes it back to court.
WIZARD LOREN: OK, so here's the news. The king just died, our other chief wizard is a traitor, and lots of other bad shit is probably going to start going down any second now. Also, Paul's spent three nights crying and dying on a tree, Jennifer got kidnapped bySauron the evil under the mountain and is experiencing unutterable suffering, Kim's our new harbinger of doom, and Dave is still missing.
KEVIN: ...GREAT.
WIZARD LOREN: The good news is, we just heard Paul's still alive and hanging out at the High Priestess' temple?
KEVIN: WELL I GUESS THAT'S SOMETHING.
It's at around this point that Dave turns up again!
KEVIN: OMG, Dave, we ... huh, we expected you to be about 400% done with everything by now, but you actually look pretty chill.
DAVE, NOW ONLY LIKE 25% DONE WITH EVERYTHING, IF THAT: Oh, man, it's been great, I hooked up with some fantasy nomads, and we broed out, and they gave me an axe, and then we became blood brothers, and then a forest goddess said she thought I was cute, and she gave me a magical horn, and I got over like at least 75% of my anger management issues, and -- anyway, how've you guys been?
KEVIN: .....
KIM: .......
PAUL: ........
DAVE: Ummmm. Well, let me lighten the mood. Kevin, here's your study notes back! Thanks for the loaner!
KEVIN: Oh my god, you made -- a joke ....? And it was funny .........? Now I know the end of the world is nigh.
WIZARD LOREN: Anyway now it's time to crown the exiled, less irresponsible, but more awkward son as king!
DIARMUID'S MERRY BAND OF MISFITS: Wait, hang on, actually, Diarmuid is the heir, so ...
AILERON THE LESS IRRESPONSIBLE BUT ALSO LESS HOT: Step down, Diarmuid! My time has come! This is my war!
PAUL: What an asshole.
AILERON THE LESS IRRESPONSIBLE BUT MORE AWKWARD: Excuse me?
PAUL: Look, if my experience with manpain has taught me anything, it's that it's kind of dumb to make it all about you? All of us have had TERRIBLE EXPERIENCES -- well, except Dave, who seems to have had a pretty cool time, all things considered -- but anyway, all the rest of us have had TERRIBLE EXPERIENCES, and so have a bunch of other people. Share the war, Aileron. Sharing is caring.
AILERON THE LESS IRRESPONSIBLE BUT MORE AWKWARD: ...OK, I get it, but I will still be a better king than Diarmuid, so --
DIARMUID: I --
PRINCESS SHARRA: Hiiiiii-ya!
AILERON THE LESS IRRESPONSIBLE BUT ALSO LESS HOT: ...???
THE ENTIRE COURT: ...???
PRINCESS SHARRA: I am here to murder Diarmuid! For my honor!!!!
HOT AND IRRESPONSIBLE DIARMUID: ... ah, yes, so, um, about that ... isn't it nice that Sharra's turned up to negotiate in the war council on behalf of her kingdom?
AILERON THE LESS IRRESPONSIBLE BUT ALSO LESS HOT: Diarmuid, she literally just stabbed you.
HOT AND IRRESPONSIBLE DIARMUID: A small misunderstanding! Could happen to anyone. OKAY AS I WAS ABOUT TO SAY, I abdicate the throne, Aileron you can have it, I'm gonna go get drunk now.
KIM: ...this is clearly a lady I want to get to know. Sharra, let's get drinks!
Later that night, Diarmuid comes and tries to climb into their room, and they dump buckets of cold water on his head.
HOT AND IRRESPONSIBLE DIARMUID: >:(
PRINCESS SHARRA: Kim, you are hilarious.
KIM: Aw yeah, still got it!
So now that all that's been sorted, it's probably time to deal with the important business of waging war on evil. However, just as they're about to start dealing with that, Kim's magical artifact goes off!
KIM: My magic ring says Jennifer's in trouble!
JENNIFER: YES I AM STILL SUFFERING RAPE, TORTURE, AND UNSPEAKABLE MENTAL TORMENT AT THE HANDS OF SAURON OVER HERE, THANKS FOR REMEMBERING.
KIM: OK, I think I can use this magical artifact to get us all home and thus rescue Jennifer, sorry if you were hoping to have us to help out with the war with all our newfound magical powers and artifacts and significance, see you guys later, byeeeeeeeee!
AND EVERYONE DITCHES MIDDLE EARTH AND GOES BACK TO TORONTO, THE END. (Until the next book.)
The result was the Fionavar Tapestry. It is hugely dramatic and deeply ridiculous and tropetastic up the wazoo and I love it with a GREAT AND TERRIBLE PASSION.
Anyway it struck me recently that it had been about ten years since I reread the trilogy, and that I had never really written here very much about it, and all of a sudden both of these were things that I needed to do IMMEDIATELY.
...we're gonna start with The Summer Tree, since if I try to do all three at once this is going to take a million years.
So The Summer Tree begins with our five protagonists hanging out at an academic lecture at the University of Toronto:
KEVIN, the funny one who is really good having sex
PAUL, Kevin's BFF, who has a dead girlfriend and is laden with manpain about it
JENNIFER, Kevin's ex, apparently the most beautiful woman in Canada
KIM, Jennifer's roommate, the other funny one
DAVE, who doesn't know any of these people but Kevin, and doesn't like him, and is already 100% done with this book
Immediately the lecture is done they are whisked away by the lecturer, Lorenzo, and his faithful dwarf sidekick.
WIZARD LOREN: So, hey, funny story: although you know me as famous academic Lorenzo, actually I am a wizard named Loren from an alternate universe, and this is my soulbonded magical partner, the ex-king of the dwarves.
MATT, THE EX-KING OF THE DWARVES: Yo.
KIM: Wait, OK, hang on, real questions time: if you don't even live in this universe, how did you have time to become a world-famous academic who can fill a packed lecture hall during summer vacation?
WIZARD LOREN: That's not important now. What's important is that I've come to bring five people back with me for our king's anniversary party! Who's in? You'll get two weeks in fantasyland on Narnia time and won't lose any time here, it'll be a blast!
KEVIN, PAUL, JENNIFER AND KIM: Sure, why not?
DAVE: Um, this sounds .... impossible and weird ... and I don't actually like any of you ... and there's a big exam coming up .... so think I'm gonna go? I think I'm just gonna go.
KEVIN: But think about having two extra weeks to study for that big upcoming law exam!
DAVE: >:(
KEVIN: Also, I aced it last year, and I'll lend you my notes.
DAVE, WHO IS BY NOW AT LEAST 200% DONE WITH THIS BOOK: Fine, whatever.
So they all get magically portaled through into the main palace in
KEVIN: Crap, crap, where's Dave?
WIZARD LOREN: Ummmmm it seems like we accidentally lost him in transit. It's OK, he'll be around Fionavar somewhere! We'll find him eventually.
KEVIN: Man, he's gonna be at least 300% done with everything by the time we catch up with him. Oh, well, at least he's got my legal notes to work on.
But in the meantime everyone has other things to worry about, like
HOT AND IRRESPONSIBLE DIARMUID: Hey, yo, hey, nice to meet you .... hey, baby.
JENNIFER: .... nope!
HOT AND IRRESPONSIBLE DIARMUID: Oh, well, can't blame a guy for trying. Yo, Kevin, Paul, wanna come with me and my merry band of miscreants on a hazardous and probably life-threatening adventure tomorrow?
KEVIN: ...sure, I guess?
PAUL: I don't actually care whether I live or die, so that sounds fine to me.
WIZARD LOREN: So, Your Majesty, here are the people I brought back from the other world for your party, and --
THE KING: We are in the middle of an enormous drought, my oldest son is exiled, I'm like ninety years old, and I think
WIZARD LOREN: Ummmm I don't think ...
PAUL: I'm really good at chess. I'm really good at everything, actually. Except feelings.
THE KING: ... great! Symbolic chess game tonight, then!
So Paul and the King have a game of symbolic chess, during which Paul happens to learn, entirely coincidentally, that traditionally the way to break the drought is for the king to hang himself up on a tree for three days and nights as a human sacrifice! And the king's oldest son is exiled because the king wouldn't let him turn himself into tree sacrifice!
PAUL: Sorry about your draught, dude. I get it; I have a drought inside my heart.
KEVIN: You know, buddy, I know you're sad about your dead girlfriend, but you could just cry it out --
PAUL: I CAN NEVER CRY.
Now that Paul's manpain has again been established, Kevin and Paul are free to head off with Diarmuid and his merry band of miscreants.
KEVIN: So, um ... where are we actually going?
HOT AND IRRESPONSIBLE DIARMUID: We're going to descend a four-hundred-foot cliff, cross a deadly river, and infiltrate a neighboring kingdom!
KEVIN: ...why ......?
HOT AND IRRESPONSIBLE DIARMUID: So I can seduce the Princess Sharra, awwww yeah, up high!
KEVIN: And you guys are all cool with risking your lives so Diarmuid can get laid?
DIARMUID'S MERRY BAND OF MISCREANTS: Of course we are! Awwww yeah, up high!
KEVIN: Paul, are you OK with risking your life so Diarmuid can get laid ....?
PAUL: I still don't care if I live or die, so this still sounds fine to me.
Meanwhile, Kim has gotten carried off by the local seer!
YSANNE THE SEER: Yer a seer, Kim!
KIM: Wait, how do you know?
YSANNE THE SEER: Um, because ... I saw it ...
KIM: Oh yeah.
YSANNE THE SEER: Please come with me to have everything tragic that's ever happened in this kingdom magically infodumped upon you and then take charge of an ancient and terrible magic.
KIM: But...I'm supposed to be the funny one...!
YSANNE: Not anymore.
So Kim has an extremely dramatic night, over the course of which her hair goes WHITE and she gains all kinds of TERRIBLE KNOWLEDGE, and then Ysanne kills herself and gives her soul to Kim so that Kim can have even MORE knowledge and guide the kingdom in the dark days to come!
KIM: ...seriously? I literally just got here two days ago!
Meanwhile meanwhile, Jennifer is hanging out in the palace like "welp ... all my friends are off doing plot things, so .... guess I'm going to ... make friends with some local ladies in waiting or something ...... ?"
JAELLE, THE ANGRY MAN-HATING FEMINIST HIGH PRIESTESS: You could make friends with me!
JENNIFER: ...nah, I think I'm gonna go on a picnic with a lady-in-waiting instead.
Along the way, she bumps into some
SOME ELVES: Normally we don't like hanging out with humans, but dang, you are almost beautiful enough to be an elf. Can we join your picnic?
JENNIFER: OK! :)
GALADAN THE WOLFLORD: Except I am here to turn your picnic into a picnic of murder and carry you off to
JENNIFER: Why me??
GALADAN THE WOLFLORD: I dunno, that's what you get for being the most beautiful woman in Canada?
JENNIFER: And who are you even?
GALADAN THE WOLFLORD: Oh, just a half-divine dude who turns into a wolf and wants to destroy everything.
JENNIFER: And why do you want to destroy everything
GALADAN THE WOLFLORD: Because once ... a long time ago .... a girl dumped me.
Alas, none of Jennifer's friends know for like two days that she's been carried off by the ultimate evil, because Kim is still busy learning the entire tragical-epical history of Fionavar and being traumatized, and Kevin and Paul are on their way back from Diarmuid's Mission O'Seduction.
HOT AND IRRESPONSIBLE DIARMUID: Now that I have successfully tricked Princess Sharra into sleeping with me, a decision that will certainly have no repercussions whatsoever, it's time for a barfight! And then we can all get laid!
KEVIN: Aww yeah, finally, something I am good at!
However, just when Kevin is done with one round of amazing sex with a barmaid, he is interrupted by ... another, weeping barmaid!
KEVIN: Hey, what are you doing here, I thought you went off to bang Paul?
WEEPING BARMAID: Man, I tried, but it was bad sex, and he was just so sad about his dead girlfriend, so I started crying, and then he was like 'look, if you want good sex, go to Kevin,' so ... here I am ......?
KEVIN: Oh my god, Paul, you can't just send girls to me for good sex every time you make them cry!
PAUL: Uh, I don't see why not.
KEVIN: Seriously, dude, just cry it out! JUST CRY IT OUT. FEEL YOUR FEELINGS.
PAUL: I can never cry and I can never feel feelings.
KEVIN: You know what, I'm so annoyed I'm gonna play the song I wrote for your dead girlfriend, how about that? Are you gonna cry now?
PAUL: You know what, no! You know what, I'm just gonna go sacrifice myself to
KEVIN: This is a VERY DISPROPORTIONATE REACTION, PAUL!
PAUL: MAYBE THIS WILL MAKE IT RAIN INSIDE MY HEART, KEVIN!
Because what Kevin does not know is that not only did Paul's girlfriend tragically die -- she tragically died in a car crash, when Paul was driving, right after she dumped him! And for this, Paul cannot forgive himself, because what if he crashed the car accidentally-on-purpose? What if.
So Paul goes and hangs himself crankily up on the tree, where he has a very eventful three nights:
AILERON, THE KING'S OLDER, LESS IRRESPONSIBLE, BUT ALSO LESS HOT SON: I can't believe you stole my death! What an asshole.
GALADAN THE WOLFLORD: While I respect this noble suicide over a girl dumping you, might I recommend trying to destroy everything instead?
A MAGICAL PUPPY DOG: *does not say anything, because it's not actually a talking magical puppy dog, but fights off Galadan when he tries to murder Paul, so that's helpful*
THE GREAT GOD
THE GREAT MOTHER GODDESS: Thank you for your noble sacrifice. As a present, let me tell you: you did not purposefully kill your girlfriend! You're welcome.
PAUL: YES OK GREAT I will happily cry myself to death now. :D
THE GREAT GOD
PAUL: ... not sure if want ....
JAELLE THE MAN-HATING FEMINIST HIGH PRIESTESS: I cannot BELIEVE you, a man, got to talk to the Mother Goddess.
PAUL: Um, I ... have been on a tree for three days, starving and dying of exposure, so ... could I maybe get something to eat and drink before we have this argument ....?
JAELLE THE MAN-HATING FEMINIST HIGH PRIESTESS: NO YOU CANNOT.
Meanwhile, poor Kevin makes it back to court.
WIZARD LOREN: OK, so here's the news. The king just died, our other chief wizard is a traitor, and lots of other bad shit is probably going to start going down any second now. Also, Paul's spent three nights crying and dying on a tree, Jennifer got kidnapped by
KEVIN: ...GREAT.
WIZARD LOREN: The good news is, we just heard Paul's still alive and hanging out at the High Priestess' temple?
KEVIN: WELL I GUESS THAT'S SOMETHING.
It's at around this point that Dave turns up again!
KEVIN: OMG, Dave, we ... huh, we expected you to be about 400% done with everything by now, but you actually look pretty chill.
DAVE, NOW ONLY LIKE 25% DONE WITH EVERYTHING, IF THAT: Oh, man, it's been great, I hooked up with some fantasy nomads, and we broed out, and they gave me an axe, and then we became blood brothers, and then a forest goddess said she thought I was cute, and she gave me a magical horn, and I got over like at least 75% of my anger management issues, and -- anyway, how've you guys been?
KEVIN: .....
KIM: .......
PAUL: ........
DAVE: Ummmm. Well, let me lighten the mood. Kevin, here's your study notes back! Thanks for the loaner!
KEVIN: Oh my god, you made -- a joke ....? And it was funny .........? Now I know the end of the world is nigh.
WIZARD LOREN: Anyway now it's time to crown the exiled, less irresponsible, but more awkward son as king!
DIARMUID'S MERRY BAND OF MISFITS: Wait, hang on, actually, Diarmuid is the heir, so ...
AILERON THE LESS IRRESPONSIBLE BUT ALSO LESS HOT: Step down, Diarmuid! My time has come! This is my war!
PAUL: What an asshole.
AILERON THE LESS IRRESPONSIBLE BUT MORE AWKWARD: Excuse me?
PAUL: Look, if my experience with manpain has taught me anything, it's that it's kind of dumb to make it all about you? All of us have had TERRIBLE EXPERIENCES -- well, except Dave, who seems to have had a pretty cool time, all things considered -- but anyway, all the rest of us have had TERRIBLE EXPERIENCES, and so have a bunch of other people. Share the war, Aileron. Sharing is caring.
AILERON THE LESS IRRESPONSIBLE BUT MORE AWKWARD: ...OK, I get it, but I will still be a better king than Diarmuid, so --
DIARMUID: I --
PRINCESS SHARRA: Hiiiiii-ya!
AILERON THE LESS IRRESPONSIBLE BUT ALSO LESS HOT: ...???
THE ENTIRE COURT: ...???
PRINCESS SHARRA: I am here to murder Diarmuid! For my honor!!!!
HOT AND IRRESPONSIBLE DIARMUID: ... ah, yes, so, um, about that ... isn't it nice that Sharra's turned up to negotiate in the war council on behalf of her kingdom?
AILERON THE LESS IRRESPONSIBLE BUT ALSO LESS HOT: Diarmuid, she literally just stabbed you.
HOT AND IRRESPONSIBLE DIARMUID: A small misunderstanding! Could happen to anyone. OKAY AS I WAS ABOUT TO SAY, I abdicate the throne, Aileron you can have it, I'm gonna go get drunk now.
KIM: ...this is clearly a lady I want to get to know. Sharra, let's get drinks!
Later that night, Diarmuid comes and tries to climb into their room, and they dump buckets of cold water on his head.
HOT AND IRRESPONSIBLE DIARMUID: >:(
PRINCESS SHARRA: Kim, you are hilarious.
KIM: Aw yeah, still got it!
So now that all that's been sorted, it's probably time to deal with the important business of waging war on evil. However, just as they're about to start dealing with that, Kim's magical artifact goes off!
KIM: My magic ring says Jennifer's in trouble!
JENNIFER: YES I AM STILL SUFFERING RAPE, TORTURE, AND UNSPEAKABLE MENTAL TORMENT AT THE HANDS OF SAURON OVER HERE, THANKS FOR REMEMBERING.
KIM: OK, I think I can use this magical artifact to get us all home and thus rescue Jennifer, sorry if you were hoping to have us to help out with the war with all our newfound magical powers and artifacts and significance, see you guys later, byeeeeeeeee!
AND EVERYONE DITCHES MIDDLE EARTH AND GOES BACK TO TORONTO, THE END. (Until the next book.)
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Date: 2015-07-12 07:14 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-07-12 08:41 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-07-12 07:24 pm (UTC)(The last GGK I've read is Last Light; having read all of the books between it and Fionavar, I think I may rest.)
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Date: 2015-07-12 08:43 pm (UTC)(PS: speaking of Shannara, HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THIS.)
No, for all the side-eyeing (and there is definitely side-eyeing, oh poor Man-Hating Feminist Jaelle, you deserve better) I do genuinely think the Fionavar books have very sterling qualities! They're super everything-and-the-kitchen-sink fantasy, but GGK is clearly having fun and sometimes that's all I want.
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Date: 2015-07-12 07:24 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-07-12 08:52 pm (UTC)Also he's just having so much fun with them, it's kind of delightful! "Should I write about elves or King Arthur or Norse mythology or unicorns ... you know what, the heck with it, ALL OF THEM AT ONCE." Basically, they're ridiculous but SO ENJOYABLE for me, see icon for similar feelings.
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Date: 2015-07-12 07:42 pm (UTC)For REASONS. Reasons that YOU KNOW. :D ?
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Date: 2015-07-12 08:54 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-07-12 07:47 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-07-12 08:56 pm (UTC)no subject
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Date: 2015-07-12 08:13 pm (UTC)GALADAN THE WOLFLORD: Because once ... a long time ago .... a girl dumped me.
Obviously no more explanation is needed here!
I have to admit that I've occasionally seen this series and thought idly of reading it... but I'm not sure I actually want to, now. How could it possibly be better than this post?
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Date: 2015-07-12 09:01 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-07-12 08:21 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-07-12 09:03 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-07-12 08:28 pm (UTC)Because I want to read Dave's book if so.
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Date: 2015-07-12 09:05 pm (UTC)(no subject)
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Date: 2015-07-12 09:33 pm (UTC)I have been meaning to read these books for forever -- you make me want to start today!
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Date: 2015-07-12 09:38 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-07-12 10:19 pm (UTC)KEVIN: You know, buddy, I know you're sad about your dead girlfriend, but you could just cry it out --
PAUL: I CAN NEVER CRY.
Oh man, this book sounds so perfect.
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Date: 2015-07-12 10:41 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-07-12 10:25 pm (UTC)Adding this to my tbr right now.
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Date: 2015-07-12 10:35 pm (UTC)Diarmuid is, like, the ur-version of Lymond clones.
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Date: 2015-07-12 10:40 pm (UTC)I loved these books so much, but yeah, they're completely id-tastic and tropey. To be fair, he wrote them sort of near the beginning of the whole rise in secondary-world fantasy, so they weren't quite as cliche'd as they seem now.
But so kitchen-sinky, with the British mythology, and the French chivalric tales, and the Norse alfar, and the sacrifice of the corn king, and and and...
I am still able to reread these, where I cannot reread most of Kay's later work. This is before his foreboding & repetition & card-palming become quite so embedded as narrative techniques that they piss me off. As you say, it's a first novel and it reads like one, but the enthusiasm carries the reader past things that in a more accomplished writer would just be annoying.
Thank you so much for this!
::hearts::
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Date: 2015-07-12 10:44 pm (UTC)Anyway I am glad you are as enthusiastic to read me summarizing these books at length as I am to do it. :D :D :D
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Date: 2015-07-12 11:11 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-07-13 02:33 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-07-13 12:56 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-07-13 02:35 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-07-13 02:29 am (UTC)Probably not the best or sanest way to read the series. I seem to remember most of these events but I remember practically nothing of what happens in the next 2 books beyond that Kevin and Diarmund both [SPOILER] and I cried. I look forward to further details! /thumbs up
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Date: 2015-07-13 02:36 am (UTC)I THINK I CAN PROMISE YOU DETAILS. :D?
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Date: 2015-07-13 02:56 am (UTC)no subject
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Date: 2015-07-13 04:47 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-07-13 03:20 am (UTC)I am glad that people do; I tried to read it in high school when I had friends who were deeply into it and I bounced thoroughly and permanently off its Tolkien-off-ripping blendertasticness and thought I disliked Guy Gavriel Kay until I discovered Sailing to Sarantium (1998), because somehow I feel differently about ripping off the Byzantines.
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Date: 2015-07-13 04:49 am (UTC)The Sarantium books are actually the only GGKs I haven't read! (Well, that and his latest one.) I hear they're his best and I'm a bit worried I've burned myself out enough on the sort of GGK that aren't already inscribed on the inside of my brain to actually read and appreciate them...
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Date: 2015-07-13 04:18 am (UTC)I did go on to read several of GGK's not-historical novels later, so I suppose there must have been something I liked about it.
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Date: 2015-07-13 04:50 am (UTC)(no subject)
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Date: 2015-07-13 04:20 am (UTC)Yes, these are entirely overwrought and blatantly "let me get _The Silmarillion_ out of my system," but I will forever love them just for (spoilers, rot13)
npghnyyl qbvat "gur fbyhgvba gb n ybir gevnatyr vf na bg3"!
I don't know if I'll reread them, because manpain, but I enjoyed this immensely and will look forward to future installments! (On the other hand: Dave. Maybe I should reread (that other book) instead because I remember almost nothing of his appearance there.)
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Date: 2015-07-13 04:57 am (UTC)Yessss your ROT13 spoiler is also one of my favorite things, even though it takes them FOREVER to get there.
(SO MUCH manpain, and I was totally expecting to bounce off and hate Paul this time around, even though he was always one of my favorites. But I don't! I mean, he's ridiculous, but I totally still love him. I do hate Diarmuid a bit at this point, but this is probably the inevitable "Francis Crawford is ... a dick .....? HE'S A DICK" reaction that everyone experiences eventually. It pleases me that I notice on this read that neither Kim nor Jennifer really like him at all either.
...I did enjoy some of Dave in that other book, from what I can recall, but on the whole I am not sure it's worth it.....)
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From:this post is 100% accurate
Date: 2015-07-13 09:01 am (UTC)(also i might have once written jaelle fic for yuletide. because my recipient requested 'any' so i said OKAY THEN LET'S DO THIS.)
Re: this post is 100% accurate
Date: 2015-07-14 02:37 am (UTC)(yessssss! I do love Jaelle a lot, I'm so pathetically grateful for all the moments when the narrative actually gets around to taking her seriously instead of being like 'lol she needs to chill out and stop hating men')
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Date: 2015-07-13 09:14 am (UTC)Baby Fahye was predictably smitten with Hot And Irresponsible Diarmuid and also thought his name was lovely until she found out you pronounce it 'Dermott' which is a ruddy frogface of a name if ever there was one. THE ROMANCE WAS RUINED I TELL YOU.
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Date: 2015-07-14 02:52 am (UTC)hahahaha Lynne and I were having a long conversation about this today. I think GGK even tries to play like 'Diar' is a suitable nickname (rather than the much less glamorous 'Der,') but it SUPER IS NOT.
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Date: 2015-07-13 09:27 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-07-14 02:52 am (UTC)