(no subject)

[skygiants]

For my birthday, jothra bought me Louisa May Alcott's long-lost-then-posthumously-published-in-1995 Gothic novel, A LONG FATAL LOVE CHASE! (Allcaps and exclamation point mine, but I feel they are required.)

I knew this book was not going to disappoint on page 2, when Our Heroine Rosamond's grandfather welcomes the villainous love interest into his house by exclaiming "SPEAK OF SATAN AND HE APPEARS!" At which point, if you don't know what kind of book you're reading, it is definitely not Louisa May Alcott's fault.

ROSAMOND: Hello sir! I am a naive, beautiful, and spirited teenager trapped on an isolated island with my cranky and mercenary grandfather, and let me tell you, I would SELL MY SOUL for the chance to get out of this house and live a little!
PHILIP TEMPEST: You don't say.
ROSAMOND: Say, has anyone ever told you that you look a little like Mephistopheles?
PHILIP TEMPEST: You'd be surprised how frequently people do mention that!

So Philip Tempest, who BRINGS STORMS WITH HIM WHEREVER HE GOES!, spends the next month making nice with Rosamond, and occasionally pretending to kidnap her, and introducing her to Lito, the twelve-year-old boy that he keeps in his yacht to hang around in ancient Greek cosplay and look decorative.

Rosamond rolls with all of this, because as far as she can tell this is all totally normal guy stuff, up until the point where he actually sails off with her on his yacht for real.

PHILIP TEMPEST: No, no, it's fine! Your grandfather bet you to me in a card game.
ROSAMOND: You bought me? I admit I'm really into you, but that's not cool.
PHILIP TEMPEST: Admittedly your grandfather also said I should marry you, but I'm not really the marrying kind of sinister Mephistophelian antihero, sooooooooo how would you feel about sailing off to Europe to live in sin?
ROSAMOND: Counter-question: how would you feel about me throwing myself into the ocean?
PHILIP TEMPEST: lol j/k j/k, I've got a priest right here, I keep him tucked under the deck of my yacht in case of wedding emergencies, we are TOTALLY married now.

This works out about as well for poor Rosamond expected.

ROSAMOND: So ... it turns out Lito is not just a random twelve-year-old you keep around to look decorative, but in fact your SECRET SON --
LITO: This was a surprise to me too! A lot of things about my life have suddenly been brought into concerning question.
ROSAMOND: -- by your actual living wife?
PHILIP TEMPEST: In my defense, I don't keep her locked in an attic?
ROSAMOND: ...
PHILIP TEMPEST: I mean, she's mad, but, like, mad at me for stealing her kid and tricking a hapless teenager into being fake married to me. We could even get divorced, except she won't back down until I let her have her kid back!
ROSAMOND: So...why don't you just give Lito back?
PHILIP TEMPEST: I would, except a.) that would be letting her WIN and b.) after that outburst when he found out he was my kid, we got in a big fight and I buried him secretly down the road, so...
ROSAMOND: ....yeah, I'm out!

So Rosamond, taking her agency into her own hands, sneaks away in the middle of the night! With an increasingly stalkerish Tempest in HOT PURSUIT!

Subsequent adventures involve:

- escaping out Parisian windows in the middle of the night!
- hiding in giant laundry baskets!
- coming this close to eloping with a beautiful opera singer!
- cross-dressing in shepherd cosplay and frolicking with Lito (who it turns out was only metaphorically buried) across the Parisian countryside!
- faking her own death!
- temporarily joining a convent!
- earning the forbidden love of tormented Catholic priest Father Ignatius!

For the record, at first Rosamond is concerned that Father Ignatius might be kind of a creeper, but when he helps her escape from the convent after Tempest shows up -- and, not at all incidentally, throws off his cassock to show off his abs and rowing prowess -- she starts to look at him in a new light.

ROSAMOND: So, Father Ignatius, given the whole fallen woman thing, do you think that maybe if Philip gets his divorce I should just for-real marry --
FATHER IGNATIUS: Rosamond, I'm saying this not because I have a crush, but because I care about and respect you: no matter what happens, NEVER, EVER get back together with that ABUSIVE STALKER.
ROSAMOND: That is startlingly and refreshingly good advice for 1868!

More adventures! Rosamond almost marries a nobleman, then spends some time trapped in a madhouse --

ROSAMOND: I guess it's not a Gothic novel unless someone spends some time trapped in a madhouse/attic/etc.

-- then escapes, then is kidnapped by Tempest for a while again until Father Ignatius pops up once more and SHOVES HIM OFF A CLIFF!

FATHER IGNATIUS: Um, so are you mad that I shoved your ex off a --
ROSAMOND: NO I AM NOT, he's probably not dead anyway, let's please get FAR AWAY before he starts stalking me again! And while we're en route you can tell me your real name because caling you 'Father' is starting to feel a little awkward.
FATHER IGNATIUS: Well, my real name is Bayard Conde --
ROSAMOND: Not the same FAMOUS Bayard Conde who led the student rebels in the most recent doomed French revolution?
FATHER IGNATIUS: I have heard the people sing, yes.
ROSAMOND: You know, I should tell you, I always had kind of an Enjolras thing --
FATHER IGNATIUS: -- ANYWAY NOW I AM A PRIEST AND I THINK YOU SHOULD DEFINITELY STILL CALL ME 'FATHER.' IN A DEFINITELY PLATONIC WAY.

FATHER IGNATIUS: So where do you want to go from here? Back to the convent?
ROSAMOND: Well, after Lito found out that he was Philip's son, he was so into the idea of me being his stepmom that he invited me to come live with him and his mom! And while originally I thought that might be a little awkward, at this point I am so very ready to settle down and join the 'we hate Philip Tempest' club.
FATHER IGNATIUS: Why don't we spend the boat ride posing as FATHER and DAUGHTER?
ROSAMOND: I'm not actually sure our ages are different enough for that to be convincing, but sure, I guess that sounds appropriately platonic!

(CONCERNED TOURIST A: Hmm, I wonder why that obviously banging couple keeps calling each other 'father' and 'daughter'!
CONCERNED TOURIST B: Eh, you know, the French.)

Then the boat ride culminates in some surprise drama with a DETECTIVE, who is hunting down Philip Tempest's evil manservant, who is cross-dressing as a beautiful Spanish lady!

PHILIP TEMPEST'S EVIL MANSERVANT: Rosamond, Philip is DYING and he wants you to come and forgive him!
ROSAMOND: ...seriously? Does he really think I am going to fall for that?
PHILIP TEMPEST'S EVIL MANSERVANT: Ha ha, OK, you got me.

But at last Rosamond makes it to Lito and his mom's place, and Lito's mom is SUPER EXCITED to meet her and welcome her to the We Hate Philip Tempest club, and Lito is SUPER EXCITED to have replaced his terrible dad with two excellent moms (and, presumably, not to have to wear Greek cosplay all the time anymore), and even Father Ignatius seems PRETTY EXCITED to spend the rest of his life living down the street tragically pining (what is Father Ignatius living on? Will he ever have to go back to his actual job as a priest? NOBODY KNOWS) and everything seems like it's about to end reasonably well!

LOUISA MAY ALCOTT: I am sorry for getting your hopes up, friends, but no one in 1868 is going to publish a book where the heroine has a ton of sex out of wedlock and gets away scot-free.

So in the last five pages Philip Tempest lures Rosamond and Ignatius out to visit her grandfather's lonely island and accidentally rams a boat into Rosamond while trying to ram a boat into Ignatius, and Ignatius is like, "well, I'm sad about this, but a.) we will be together in Heaven and b.) ONCE we are in Heaven I won't be a priest, so ... considering the long game, it's still kind of a win?"

To which Philip Tempest throws a giant hissy fit, stabs himself, and shrieks "MINE FIRST--MINE LAST--MINE EVEN IN THE GRAVE!!!!" because of course he does.

And while it is kind of a bummer that Rosamond is narratively doomed, it is also sort of refreshing that Louisa May Alcott does not seem to believe that we should find this in any way romantic, not even a little bit, not even at all.

Comments

[rymenhild]

And that is why Professor Bhaer tells Jo March that her books are SINFUL and she should STOP WRITING THEM.

(and that is why I hate Professor Bhaer)

[skygiants]

I completely forgot that Professor Bhaer tells Jo this! I ... have forgotten a lot about Little Women.

(Still excited for Professor Bhaer the postapocalyptic dystopian werebear, though.)

[rymenhild]

...the what?

[skygiants]

Wasn't it you who was hypothesizing this on Twitter when that CW pitch was announced? Or maybe it was Emmy, but either way it was BRILLIANT.

[wingstodust]

Ahhh I cannot figure out if I should or should not read this!!!! But it sounds highly entertaining!! But!! The ending!! Gah!!

[rymenhild]

That must have been Emmy. I was saying on Twitter that the original Little Women is about an impoverished heroine who sells her hair as the only way she can protect her world in an age of catastrophic war and deadly plague, so it's already postapocalyptic dystopian.

[skygiants]

It is, for the record, HUGELY entertaining. And Rosamond is pretty wonderful (which of course does make the end all the more frustrating. There's this one exchange between Philip and Rosamond at the beginning:

"Suppose I was base and false, and in every way unworthy of your love, what would you do then?"
"Go away and --"
"Die as heroines always do, tender slaves as they are."
"No, live and forget you."

Great, Louisa May Alcott! AND THEN YET.)

[skygiants]

I also remember this comment! That was a good Twitter day.

[melannen]

OK but I have to ask the IMPORTANT question: is she *canonically* an Enjolras fangirl, or was that just induction on your part?

(pls tell me it's canonical)

[skygiants]

She is canonically a French revolution/aries fangirl, but not, alas, specifically Enjolras. (But I maintain she DEFINITELY would've been from all other canon evidence.)

[sovay]

And while it is kind of a bummer that Rosamond is narratively doomed, it is also sort of refreshing that Louisa May Alcott does not seem to believe that we should find this in any way romantic, not even a little bit, not even at all.

A++, I just read this review to rushthatspeaks and B., would read again, although possibly not the actual book, it has a high bar to clear.

[kore]

YES.

[kore]

THIS IS AWESOME AND HAS MADE MY EVENING. ALLCAPSILY.

[kiezh]

This was a deeply entertaining review. :D

(...now I want the poly fix-it fic sequel to a book I have never read. Lito has two mommies and a dad! They live happily ever after!)

[lacewood]

OH MY GOD I still remember when they first published this and it was in bookstores everywhere. EVERYWHERE (though not everywhere enough that I actually bought/read it).

This seems like an impressive amount of plot for what I recall did not seem like a lot of page count. I can maybe see... why Jo rather felt she had overdone things... in Good Wives...? (Also, this post nearly made me start whooping in the middle of work. "SPEAK OF SATAN AND HE APPEARS" INDEED.)

[coffeeandink]

Okay, I always forget whether it's A Modern Mephistopheles or a A Long Fatal Love Chase that I've already read, and now I can definitely say it is A Modern Mephistopheles.

[genarti]

AMAAAAZING.

[sovay]

OH MY GOD I still remember when they first published this and it was in bookstores everywhere.

I remember seeing the mass-market paperback in the checkout racks of convenience stores, which is not usually something that happens with Louisa May Alcott.

[heresluck]

..which is entertaining, but NOT NEARLY AS ENTERTAINING AS THIS POST.

[melannen]

It does seem like a fair extrapolation! (Also I kinda want the LM AU where Enjolras survives the barricades and becomes a hot priest. because reasons.)

I have to say I've never been able to get that into Little Women but this one kind of sounds like my bag.

[jothra]

I am glad you liked it as much as I did!

[qian]

I'm also really impressed by how much she managed to fit into one book! That's a lot of stuff to happen to one Gothic heroine!

[lacewood]

We got a very tastefully romantic-looking hardcover in Singapore! This seems extremely ironic now that I know how unromantic the plot... actually is..

[wingstodust]

Maybe we can just collectively pretend the ending never happened???

Okay, you have sold me on this book *puts it on to-read list*

[allchildren]

Well I'm in awe.

[esmenet]

So what i'm getting here is, if not for the pressures of the publishing market, we would have Rosamond and Lito's mom domestic-partnershipping it up into the sunset.

This seems like a very entertaining book!

[skygiants]

DOOOOO IT. (Though I should also warn for some mild but existent period racism, she said belatedly.)

[skygiants]

'hot priest' would definitely be a career Enjolras was fitted for ... in everything I would imagine besides potentially actual religious beliefs, but other than that!

I haven't read Little Women since I was thirteen or so but from my memories of it this one is QUITE DIFFERENT.

[skygiants]

I've even left some stuff out that was in the book! There's a whole premeditated-murder-via-overenthusiastic-sightseeing that I totally forgot to cover!

[skygiants]

:D :D :D

THANK jothra WHO IS VERY SKILLED AT BIRTHDAY PRESENTS

[skygiants]

Thank you! (It's such a great ending! Alll the way up to the last few pages but BEFORE THAT, they're all so happy together! Joined by their communal hatred of Philip Tempest.)

[skygiants]

My local library acquired a copy when I was a teenager and I always meant to read it but somehow never managed to track it down afterwards! Truly, it was a long fatal love chase for me.

The book is QUITE FAST-PACED. Very readable! Loooots of chasing from Plot Point A to Point B.

[skygiants]

For ages I thought this one was A Modern Mephistopheles! Especially since Philip Tempest looks JUST like Mephistopheles, no, really, everyone thinks so. He probably has devilish eyebrows.

...so how was A Modern Mephistopheles?

[skygiants]

I HOPE YOU ENJOY IT

[skygiants]

I really did! It was an excellent gift to pass along. :D

[skygiants]

"I want to experience as much of life as I can!" says poor Rosamond, LITTLE KNOWING how extremely literally Louisa May Alcott was about to take that.

[skygiants]

My favorite thing I didn't even mention is that she titles a chapter in which Rosamond is accidentally but blissfully living in sin with Tempest "Rose In Bloom" ... as in, the Improving Novel by Louisa May Alcott ....

[skygiants]

This is EXACTLY what we would be getting and I'm still sad it didn't happen. (I would also have settled for the ending in which Rosamond actually does run away with her friend the glamorous opera singer.)

[wingstodust]

Ugh period racism ok I will be Vigilant and prepare self.

[coffeeandink]

Sadly, it was so long ago that I can remember nothing but:

(1) It was a Faust retelling.

(2) There is piano playing.

(3) It is satisfyingly lushly Gothic.

[kate_nepveu]

This is delightful. Can one just stop reading at a particular point?

[skygiants]

I think it would be pretty easy to skip the final chapter, honestly. No one really NEEDS to read about PHILIP TEMPEST'S FINAL REVENGE!!!!

(Though the mental image of Tempest screaming and stabbing himself in an rage of possessiveness while everyone else just kind of stares at him radiating "WTF?" is also something I would have been sad to lose.)

[izilen]

I don't know whether this book would be my thing at all but is this review EVER MY THING. So much my thing.