(no subject)

[skygiants]

Well, you guys got the teaser trailer last week -- and everyone who guessed what book that line came from gets a prize! The prize of knowing your inner thirteen-year-old is way stronger than you want it to be -- so I guess today it is time to talk about Mercedes Lackey's The Fire Rose! (Copy courtesy of the fiendish silveraspen.)

At its heart, The Fire Rose is a Beauty and the Beast story. Beauty, or Rose, is a PLUCKY FEMINIST TURN-OF-THE-NINETEENTH-CENTURY GRAD STUDENT fallen on hard times.

ROSE: Oh no! My father is dead and I can no longer afford to finish my dissertation on medieval literature! Clearly the only option is SUICIDE.
A MYSTERIOUS ADVERTISEMENT: Hello! I am a rich, sexy rail baron looking for a tutor for my two fake children. It is very important that my fake children learn ancient Latin, classical Greek, medieval French, German and Latin, and ancient Egyptian and ancient Celtic languages for sinister magic purposes. Bonus points for sexy impoverished ladies with no family who will miss them if they disappear.
ROSE: . . . well, at least I'll be making some money. I can buy an opera ticket and a fancy dress and commit suicide in the middle of the second act, in style!

So Rose jaunts out to San Francisco, where she gets to her new rooms and hears a mysterious voice coming at her through a speaking tube! The voice belongs to THE BEAST, aka JASON CAMERON, a sexy firebending rail baron who has accidentally turned himself into a wolf FROM THE NIPPLES UP and THE KNEES DOWN. The rest of him is totally normal. Well, besides the tail.

Anyway what's really relevant is that poor wolfy Jason now has terrible eyesight and the wrong kind of hands for turning pages of archival manuscripts.

JASON, VIA SPEAKING TUBE: Hello! I don't actually need a governess and I have no children, I just wanted to get a lady out here without sounding skeevy.
ROSE: . . . so far, unsuccessful . . .
JASON, VIA SPEAKING TUBE: What I really am is an eccentric, reclusive and tragically disabled millionaire who likes hearing ladies read ancient Greek magical research materials out loud to me via speaking tube . . . as an eccentric, reclusive hobby. But not in a sketchy way.
ROSE: . . . I see.
JASON, VIA SPEAKING TUBE: If you keep doing this for me, I will pay you a better-than-governess salary and give you a lot of nice dresses! If you're really really good I might let you have a day off to leave the mansion. Someday. In a few months.
ROSE: Well, I do like the idea of a nice salary and pretty dresses.
JASON, VIA SPEAKING TUBE: Also I will use my magic to spy on your every move.
ROSE: What was that?
JASON, VIA SPEAKING TUBE: Nothing!

ROSE: So here I am, all alone in this big house with my disembodied voice of an employer and . . . who is this dude?
PAUL DU MOND: Hello, Rose! I am Jason's secretary and magical apprentice. I like the drugs, the sex and the torture.
ROSE: I am super intuitive and a great judge of people, so I can instantly divine that you probably like the drugs, the sex and the torture. Stay away from me, creeper!
(JASON: Yeah, I know that my secretary likes the drugs, the sex and the torture, but what really bothers me is that he's so lazy. Everything else: peccadiloes!
BECCA: . . .
JASON: Have I mentioned I have a strong moral compass?)

So now we are all set with our heroine and our love interest and our villain and they spend a while just kind of hanging out and doing research.

MASTER PAO: You forgot to mention me! I am the magical Chinese guy.
ROSE: You mean magical as in actually a magician?
MASTER PAO: I mean, that too. But mostly I'm just here to solve your problems, ship you with your sketchy employer, and dispense ancient Chinese wisdom.
ROSE: I guess that still gives you slightly more narrative agency than all the nameless Chinese prostitutes Paul Du Mond is running around and murdering.
MASTER PAO: True! Also, I don't end up dead.
BECCA: That's . . . something . . .?

PAUL DU MOND: And now I'm going to hang out at some whorehouses and do some drugs and -
BECCA: *SKIP SKIP SKIP*

JASON'S FIREBENDING PETS: Rose, Rose, Jason was an idiot and did a stupid magical working and now he's like basically dying!
ROSE: I guess it's time to see my employer's MYSTERIOUS FACE!
JASON: AHHHH!
ROSE: AHHHH...hhhh....well, I mean, actually . . .
JASON: . . . you aren't running in terror from my frightening visage?
ROSE: I am actually way better with this than I would have been if you actually had a disfiguring wound! That would have just made me sad and uncomfortable.
BECCA: I am not sure that says as much about Rose's open-mindedness as you like to think, Mercedes Lackey.

ROSE'S INTERNAL MONOLOGUE: And actually I always thought the animal-headed Egyptian gods were kind of sexy.
JASON'S INTERNAL MONOLOGUE: Kissing me would be like kissing an Alsatian. ;____;
ROSE'S INTERNAL MONOLOGUE: What you don't know is that I'm totally into that.

PAUL DU MOND: And now I'm going to go do some more drugs and murder some more prosti-
BECCA: *SKIP SKIP SKIP*

ROSE'S INTERNAL MONOLOGUE: So if he turns back into a human being and actually has the potential to date other women, he'll obviously have no interest in super pretty super intelligent magically gifted me. I'll just have to go finish my dissertation and live forever alone I guess! TRAGEDY. OUR LOVE IS DOOMED.
JASON'S INTERNAL MONOLOGUE: So obviously Rose is totally repulsed by the fact that I'm a giant Alsatian. But I also see problems arising when I'm human again. What if I'm just . . . too sexy and rich and powerful? There is no possible way I cannot come off as condescending if I ask her out! TRAGEDY. OUR LOVE IS DOOMED.

MASTER PAO: *facepalm*

PAUL DU MOND: And now I took so many of the drugs that I am just gonna straight-up attempt to drag Rose off kicking and screaming to my lair of evil. Did I mention I moved out to Oakland and got a lair of evil? 'cause I did.
JASON: . . . wow, maybe I actually should start screening my employees for being into the drugs and the sex and the torture. Who knew!
ROSE: YOU THINK?
JASON: Also, RAMPAGE KILL RAMPAGE KILL!
ROSE: . . . I am kind of PTSD about all the trauma and also the fact that you just ripped out a guy's throat in front of me, I have to say.
JASON: I'M A MONSTEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER
ROSE: . . . so how about I take a trip into San Francisco and attempt to process all this, okay?
JASON: MONSTEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER
ROSE: *backs . . . slowly . . . . away . . .*

AN EVIL FIREBENDER: Hello, Rose! Feeling nervous about the fact that your pet werewolf pretty much just rips out people's throats willy-nilly?
ROSE: . . . a little . . .
AN EVIL FIREBENDER: Want to help me out in a spot of euthanasia?
ROSE: . . . not really . . .

THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE: HHHHHHHELLO!

ROSE: Well, that was great timing.
JASON: Oh, no! Rose is in trouble!
ROSE: Actually the earthquake didn't hit me at all . . . and I'm pretty much fine . . .
JASON: I don't care if I'm a monster! TO THE RESCUE!!!
AN EVIL FIREBENDER: HELLO ROSE!
ROSE: Oh great not you again.
AN EVIL FIREBENDER: Guess what? I totally had the secret to fixing Jason the whole time! I was also behind Paul Du Mond the whole time! Neener neener I'm gonna kill you neener neener neener --
JASON: ROOOOOOOOSE!
ROSE: Jason! Don't rip out his throat like an animal! Use your words! And by 'words' I mean 'magic spells that will kill him dead.'
ROSE AND JASON: By our powers combined, we can destroy this evil firebender!

MASTER PAO: Well that's great, but by killing the evil firebender you basically let free all his fire spirits and started the Great San Francisco Fire, a historical disaster that destroyed the entire city? So . . . congratulations!
ROSE AND JASON: We can try and stop the fires . . .?
MASTER PAO: Eh, no use crying about spilt milk. Instead, why don't we just leave San Francisco to burn, causing innumerable casualties, including my house and livelihood? What's more important is that you guys have plenty of time to make out on the way home, wink wink, nudge nudge!
JASON: Rose, you really don't care that I'm a wolf from the nipples up?
ROSE: And the knees down? Nope! I feel way more secure in our relationship when I know that you can't actually interact with other human beings.
SAN FRANCISCO: *BURNS* *BUT ALSO WITH PASSION?* (*BUT ALSO WITH INNUMERABLE CASUALTIES*)
MERCEDES LACKEY: HAPPY ENDING! \o/

ROSE: PS in an epilogue we are totally taking a vacation to Tahiti because the people there can't tell the difference between a normal white man and a wolfman! OH ZING.
BECCA: . . . Mercedes Lackey, I don't know who you thought you were zinging there . . . but . . . OH NEVER MIND. >.<

Comments

[newredshoes]

Congratulations, now I desperately want to read this.

[skygiants]

YOU'RE WELCOME. >:D

[jothra]

...wow, that was worse than I remember!

[skygiants]

I always forget about the part where they pretty much just leave the city of San Francisco to burn to the ground in order to celebrate their JUST ENOUGH DUDE!

[bookblather]

I STILL LOVE THIS BOOK. I realize it is kind of awful about some things (read: everything Paul Du Mond does and a good chunk of the ending and JUST ENOUGH DUDE omg lolol) but Beauty and the Beast is my kryptonite and the relationship is genuinely sweet and I have not enough words to describe my love for Master Pao.

MASTER PAO: *facepalm*

Mostly because he's doing this the whole book. THE WHOLE BOOK. And he wrote back to Jason being all "lulz, you think you got problems" when Jason was being seriously angsty and I lolled because Master Pao is the shit. And obviously smarter than every single other character with the possible exception of Master Hu, of whom we see almost nothing.

[skygiants]

My confession is that I still kind of love it too. >.>

POOR MASTER PAO. I also love when Jason writes to him to be like "pleeeease help me with my relationship issues" and Master Pao is all "UM TRYING TO STOP AN EARTHQUAKE HERE, NO TIME FOR YOUR ANGST." I also want more Master Hu, who on the basis of two pages seems to be objectively a better person than anyone else in the book.

[bookblather]

hahahaaha that was totally the letter I meant. MASTER PAO HAS NO TIME FOR YOUR BS, JASON. SUIT UP AND FIGURE IT OUT YOURSELF.

[shati]

That is so much weirder than you made it sound.

And you made it sound weird.

[skygiants]

There are some things I just can't capture!

[genarti]

JUST




ENOUGH




DUDE.




...Yeah that's about all my commentary. Except that I had managed to entirely forget Paul, Master Pao, and the San Francisco fire! I basically remembered salamanders, speaking tubes, and aaaaaangst.

[skygiants]

THAT ABOUT SUMS IT UP.


Forgetting Paul is I think always a good choice! I never forget the San Francisco fire, but I do always forget exactly how much they are DIRECTLY TO BLAME for it . . . WHOOPS.

[genarti]

So I feel you should know that yesterday I had a lovely fun relaxing day that involved a house concert and pizza and reading a Terry Pratchett book (Eric, which I had not read before and feel no need to read again, but oh well, it still had some fun moments at the end at least), and for some reason decided to cap it off by reading... The Eagle and the Nightingales.

MY LIFE. MY CHOICES. WHY DID I DO THIS, BECCA.

(But oh my GOD I had forgotten the full extent of the Magical Enlightened Ren Faire Food Court. OH MERCEDES LACKEY.)

[skygiants]

I TAKE NO RESPONSIBILITY. It was ages ago that I wrote about The Eagle and the Nightingale! YOUR CHOICES ARE YOUR OWN FAULT. But LOLOLOLOLOLOL. Did the Just Enough Dude factor live up to your expectations?

(I would so much rather have been reading The Eagle and the Nightingale yesterday than doing what I was doing. Or reading what I was reading, to be honest; Magical Enlightened Ren Faire Food Court >>>> grimdark seventies apocalypse any day. Can we trade days? ;____;)

[kate_nepveu]

It's nice to know that I remember this book the least well of any Lackey book for a reason!

[skygiants]

IT IS FOREVER BURNED ON MY BRAIN.

[ceitfianna]

I'd forgotten just how messed up this was, this explains why I finished it and felt like what did I just read?

Normally she ties up her plots so prettily, which can be annoying but its something she does. This one was just stop throwing things at the plot, stop it. Go write werewolf erotica like you want.

[skygiants]

Hee, I was actually just thinking 'wait, how many times does she end her books with deus ex epic natural disaster'? There's this one, there's one of the Bard books, there's a couple of the Valdemar books I think that end that way . . .

[silveraspen]

I CANNOT STOP LAUGHING. AT ANY OF IT.

MASTER PAO: *facepalm*

My work here is done. :)

[skygiants]

IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT ANYWAY

[jinian]

What the what whatting what.

(However, 7 Seeds is as amazing as advertised and I am on v16. Especially liked the "an angel came down from heaven and told me the weather!" "cool story bro" exchange.)

[skygiants]

(Yesssssss so good! EXCELLENT NEWS. Hahaha, that exchange is one of my favorites, especially since Haru is so perennially unflappable. Just another day in the life of a band of post-apocalyptic refugees!)

[lacewood]

HAHAHA MERCEDES LACKEY. I know I read this book but apparently I was too young or it was so long ago I no longer remember the choice details about Just Enough Dude.

Really, younger self, you didn't notice? REALLY?

[skygiants]

I could never forget! It is always my strongest memory of JUST ENOUGH DUDE!