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May. 10th, 2011 07:16 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
skygiantsTitle: The Host Club's Refreshing Interdimensional Tour!
Characters: The entire host club, plus assorted special guests
Word Count: 3351
Summary: Does what it says on the label, guys. In other news, this is quite possibly the silliest thing I have ever written.
Nobody will own up to having made the terrible decision to show Tamaki a science-fiction film, which is probably wise, since, whoever that person was, Kyouya seems quite likely to have them quietly assassinated as soon as their identity is revealed.
Tamaki spends a lot of time googling 'extra-dimensional travel' on the internet, orders them all sexy astronaut costumes for their next cosplay, watches an entire season of Doctor Who in a night, and announces to Kyouya the next day that he's decided that over winter break they are going to visit an alternate universe. Kyouya says, "I'm not sure you correctly understand the word fiction," and Tamaki looks sadly understanding and says, "Of course, Kyouya, I'm sorry. I must have overestimated you. It's not your fault; don't feel bad, I'm sure we'll do something almost as fun," and Kyouya grits his teeth and gets on the phone with several of the top scientists at Tokyo university, and by the time winter vacation comes around they have a brand-new prototype dimension-hopper.
Tamaki wants to decorate it with paper crepe and call it Haruhi's Super-Cute Commoner-Style Time Machine. Both Haruhi and Kyouya politely veto this. Antoinette Junior, The High-Blood-Pressure-Demon-Lord’s Baby Carriage, and Our Great King’s Folly likewise get shot rapidly down. Time Machine almost carries the day after Haruhi makes a vaguely sad face when it’s implied that the suggestion might lack imagination; the unfortunate vessel is only saved from this fate when Honey cunningly suggests that a dimension-hopper under that name might get confusingly mixed up with other time machines if they happen to bump into any. In the end, the vehicle is formally named the Super-Delicious Strawberry Cake, since no one can think of a good reason to object, and stocked with several days’ supply of the same – just in case.
(They also stock four of Kyouya’s bodyguards in the back, just in case. Tamaki protests that they should be fine with just Honey and Mori and his own Prince-Style Starlight Kick Powers, but Kyouya likes to be prepared for any contingency.)
Once all the voyagers, plus the bodyguards, plus the cake are crammed into the device, Haruhi makes the mistake of asking where and when they’re going.
Ten minutes into Tamaki’s subsequent lengthy and teary-eyed fulmination on the topic of Haruhi’s limited travel experience and the importance of broadening all of their horizons, the time machine starts to rumble.
“Oops,” say Hikaru and Kaoru in tandem.
Haruhi squeezes her eyes shut. "Where did you program it for?"
The twins look at each other, shrug, and then look back, flipping four hands palm-up. “We thought it would be more fun if it was a surprise . . .?”
“To everyone!” says Hikaru gleefully.
“Including us,” agrees Kaoru serenely.
They grin like paired Persian cats.
“It’s all right,” says Kyouya, not looking up from his charts. “I’ve already programmed the machine to disallow anything that will land us in the middle of a volcano.”
After their first meeting with the Court of the Fire Nation, Tamaki demands a top-secret meeting.
“What,” he says, sternly, “is the most important objective of our visit here?”
“Preventing the Fire Nation Army from learning how to use or build copies of the Super-Delicious Strawberry Cake, since if they do they’ll be at an unstoppable technological advantage for the duration of the war?” offers Haruhi, without much hope.
“Our most important objective,” Tamaki declares, ignoring her entirely, “is to help Princess Azula realize the sisterly love she’s definitely been carrying for her brother all these years! We’ll call it Operation: Encourage the Princess to Open Her Heart to the Warm Feelings of Life Using Special Host Club Seduction Tactics. Now –” His eyes glint. “Somebody get me a bunny suit!”
They have to leave fairly quickly after that, but Tamaki is determined to consider the operation a success. Fire, after all, is a very warm feeling.
"A contest! A contest!" cries Kaoru, and Hikaru adds, "Whoever sells the most papers gets to keep the picture of Haruhi in her cute newsboy outfit!"
"What," says Haruhi, but it does the trick; Tamaki's traumatized Inner Mind Theater visions of a younger Haruhi huddling against the side of a hovel marked 'Commoner Middle School' and selling matches and newspapers disappear, and he hastily grabs up a pile of papers and launches himself into the crowd.
Mori and Honey, utilizing their powerful one-two combination of big-eyed appeals and refreshing stoicism, sell fifty papers in the next half hour. The twins have bullied people into buying thirty. Tamaki has offloaded forty, but keeps forgetting that he's supposed to be collecting money for them and therefore has only made twenty-five cents. Kyouya, mysteriously, has managed to get rid of two hundred and is counting quarters, glasses glinting.
Haruhi sits next to David, blinking and watching the commotion. David gives her the side-eye for a while, then sighs. He appreciates the assistance and all, but - "Where did you say you were normally based again?"
"New Jersey," says Haruhi, firmly.
David considers what he’s heard about New Jersey Newsies. He supposes that explains it.
Once Taumad wanders off, Tamaki takes Kyouya aside. "Kyouya," he says, seriously. "We've never discussed what the host club should do if anything happens to me."
Kyouya, who has a separate contingency plans in place to account for the sudden injury or disability of each of the host club members, smiles blandly and says, "No, I suppose not."
"This is very important, Kyouya," Tamaki insists, leaning closer, and then suddenly swings around to point at Tau. "We can't recruit him now because it would be doubling up, but if anything happens to me -"
"I'm surprised you're so magnanimous about someone taking over your role," remarks Kyouya.
"Beauty is a gift, Kyouya," says Tamaki, producing a rose out of nowhere with which to pose. Rain starts to drizzle on his face; in the background, various crew members sigh and begin to take in the ship's sail. "How could I be so selfish as to deny that to all the maidens whose heart craves the attention of a prince more than it does a wild type or a glasses type? Our club's goal is far more important than any individual member!"
Meanwhile, Jeje attempts to explain Tamaki to Inda three times before she finally just says, "Look, right, he's like Tau, if someone took away all the brains."
"Excuse me," Haruhi asks politely in her best English, as the shots echo around them, "but where are we?"
The nearest young man pauses in his rushing back and forth for gunpowder to snap, "Behind the barricade!"
"Oh," says Haruhi, still very polite. "Thank you." She turns back to the others. "I think we'd better -"
"What are you fighting for?" demands Tamaki, in impeccable French.
Another young man, the one who seems to be in charge, picks up the question. "For what else?" he retorts, in a voice like a trumpet. "For liberty! For equality! For the people who will not be slaves again! There is a life about to start when tomorrow comes!"
Tears well up in Tamaki's eyes. "Ah!" he exclaims, putting a hand to his chest. "Egalite, fraternite! The values of my people! I join you, my brother!"
"Brother!" cries the leader, as Tamaki starts to clamber up the barricade. "Somebody fetch him a gun!"
Haruhi exchanges a speaking look with Kyouya, and the twins hasten over to distract Tamaki by reminding him that he packed a set of revolutionary cosplay before they left. Mori quietly stands up, Honey on his shoulders. "Our turn," he explains, and, without further ado, launches Honey over the edge of the barricade before vaulting to follow him.
"That should do it," murmurs Kyouya, as the sounds of shots from beyond the barricade are replaced by the sounds of a number of French soldiers faced with an inexplicable bunny whirlwind.
"Egalite!" Tamaki rhapsodizes as re-emerges from the Super-Cute Strawberry Shortcake, now bedecked in a tricolor badge and sash. "Fraternite! No wonder I have such an intuitive understanding of the commoner soul, Haruhi! To a Frenchman, all men are brothers!"
Haruhi sighs and does her best to ignore him; she is busy calculating in her head the likelihood of the space-time continuum being destroyed by the intervention of a Haninozuka and a Morinozuka in the 1832 June Rebellion.
"This is terrible!" cries Tamaki, his face chalk-white. "Kyouya . . . is the Earth really so poor in the future that we can't afford anything better to represent humanity than -"
"--orange!" whimpers Kaoru, and buries his face in Hikaru's shoulder again, both of them shaking with laughter.
"Dammit, you brats," roars McCoy, "I'm a doctor, not a fashion model!"
Kyouya, with a pained look on his face, is already calculating the cost of redesigning and re-supplying all the uniforms on the Starship Enterprise.
When the host club comes back from their trip to the authentic commoner ice-cream parlor, they are somewhat surprised to find a pair of strangers engaged in trying on all the pirate silks from the costume closet.
"Tamaki," murmurs Kyouya wearily, "did you forget to lock the door again?"
The man and the woman dart each other glances under their giant skull-and-crossbone-embroidered hats. "What should we do, Isaac?" whispers the woman.
"We'll bluff it out, Miria!" whispers the man.
They square their shoulders in unison, and then: "Intruders!" announces the man, brandishing a fake peg leg.
"Thieves!" adds the woman, waving a hook.
". . . no, that's what we should be saying," says Haruhi.
The man and the woman take a step backwards and sidle a little closer together. "Miria," hisses the man, "I think they're onto us!"
"Onto us!" gasps the woman.
"There's only one thing for it," they say together, and turn towards the host club. With determined-looking synchronized nods, they doff their hats and offer them out. "Please forgive us!"
"Please forgive us!"
Haruhi, trying not to laugh, looks over at Hikaru and Kaoru to see if they're getting the joke, but to her surprise the twins look half-annoyed and half-unnerved.
"Haruhi," say the two of them in unison, and then Kaoru snaps his mouth shut and lets Hikaru finish. "Is that what we sound like?"
When the door of the time machine opens this time around, the Host Club members find themselves faced with Princess Azula and five armed and dangerous Fire Nation soldiers, all pointing their spears straight at Kyouya.
“Seize him!” Azula shouts, just as Kyouya snaps his fingers, and the four Ohtori bodyguards step out of the shadows and level their weapons at Azula.
He raises an eyebrow.
Azula’s triumphant smirk turns into a frown.
“Kyo –” Tamaki starts to exclaim, before Mori yanks him and Honey backwards into the machine. He repeats the procedure a second later with the twins and then shuts the door firmly after them, as Honey explains in a cheerful undertone to Haruhi, “I think maybe we should leave them alone for a while.”
When Tamaki sticks his head back out half an hour later, all the bodyguards on both sides seem to be incapacitated, and the walls are covered in scorch marks. Azula’s hands are crackling with electricity, and Kyouya appears to be doing some furious work on his calculator. On hearing Tamaki approach, they both look up and snap, “Do you mind?”
Tamaki grows mushrooms in a corner for a while, but since nobody seems inclined to pay attention – and his hair has already gotten singed once by a stray lightning bolt – he eventually unfurls himself and slinks back into the machine to report that Kyouya’s not ready to leave yet.
"No, Mori-senpai," says Tamaki sternly, as the cries of "WAAAAH! I'M A LLAMA!" subside down to a faint whimpering.
Mori pats the llama's head soothingly once again and looks over at Tamaki. He doesn't say anything and his expression barely changes, but Tamaki staggers backwards and grabs Haruhi, pulling her in front of him like a shield. "Haruhi, help! He's giving me the puppy eyes!"
Haruhi blinks, and examines Mori again. It's always a bit hard to tell that Mori's projecting anything besides an air of generalized stoic and refreshing coolness, but she thinks she can possibly identify the faint sad furrow of the brow that Tamaki is picking up on. "Mori-senpai," she says, in what she hopes is a tone of great reasonableness. "I know he's cute, but we really can't bring a talking llama back with us -"
"Emperor!" shouts the llama.
"- especially if he's secretly an emperor. He has to stay here and, um, govern. Doesn't he? And Piyo-chan and Pome wouldn't be happy to have to share with another pet."
"Tell him we don't have room for a llama type in the host club!" Tamaki hisses in her ear, covering his eyes protectively with one hand. "Tell him that if we're picking up anyone new here it's that broad-shouldered type who can do his own theme music! That's the kind of skill we could really use!"
Haruhi ignores Tamaki with the ease of long practice. "And, senpai . . ." She allows some of her nervousness to come through. "We really have to get back to where we left Bun-Bun before Honey wakes up . . ."
Mori sighs, recognizing the gravity of this, and starts to carefully slide the llama's head off his lap.
"Don't gooooo!" wails the llama, and flings its hooves around Mori. "Don't leave me alooooooone and a llaaaaaaama!"
Haruhi can read Mori's face much more clearly now. It says: HELP.
Kyouya's voice is as bland as can possibly be, as he remarks, "It seems Mori's mysteriously-soothing-to-animals aura has struck again."
"It does seem suspiciously convenient that the dimension-hopping heir to a Japanese business empire has shown up on our doorstep just as a metaphorical corporate Godzilla attempts to assert total financial control of the city with the ironically literal usage of a Japanese-speaking giant dinosaur," the Middleman admits, "but what the heck, I've never been one to look a gift bishonen in the mouth. Dubby -" He claps Kyouya on the shoulder. "Take our new friend Mr. Ohtori here over to the HEYDAR!"
Wendy Watson does not seem to be appeased. "I've got my eye on you, kid," she says darkly, and then stabs two fingers across the room. "And on Jailbait One and Two over there."
Hikaru smiles angelically at her as he surreptitiously tosses the Truth Bomb he's been fiddling with over to Kaoru behind his back.
"It is a bit strange that we'd show up at just the right time for Kyouya to help with this, though," Haruhi says to Tamaki.
Tamaki blinks at her. "Not really that strange, is it? If Kyouya's continuing his plans to challenge his family's business empire, it makes sense that he'd want to establish a good relationship with his father's clients. I understand the Ohtori company provides O2STK with a lot of their weapons and gadgets and things. He probably checked his sources for a past crisis he could help with and programmed the coordinates into the machine in advance."
Now it's Haruhi's turn to blink. "You really do know him well, don't you . . ."
"Oh, Kyouya's not that complicated," said Tamaki cheerfully.
Haruhi finds herself feeling unusually impressed by Tamaki's keen character insight, an opinion that lasts for all of five minutes until the twins talk him into attempting to charm the muumuu-clad android, an endeavor clearly destined for disaster. On the bright side, the Middleman seems very appreciative of the host club king's ability to grow vegetables on cue.
"Who are you calling a bean no bigger than a grain of sand!" roars the blonde boy, practically hopping with rage.
"Him," says Mori, jerking a thumb down towards Honey, who waves and offers a winning smile.
Ed Elric falters, thrown off his rant, and the giant suit of armor clanking nervously behind him starts to exude an air of relief, until Hikaru grins wickedly and says, "Honey-senpai always likes meeting people the same size as he is!"
Kaoru drags Hikaru out of the way just in time.
"Don't you think we should go help Miss Summers?" asks Honey, as the vampire comes crashing through the window, lands on a spiky chair, and dissolves in a pile of dust.
"She seems to have the situation under control," Kyouya answers, glancing over at Tamaki, who nods and starts to lead the way back into the Super-Cute Strawberry Cake -
- when they are interrupted by the all-too-familiar sound of a high-power motor, followed by a shrill "Hohohohohohohoho!"
"I knew it!" mutters Hikaru.
"But how did she even get to this dimension?" wonders Kaoru.
Renge allows herself a few more "hohohos!" and then stabs a finger towards the host club king. "Not so fast, Suoh Tamaki!"
Tamaki tilts his head, small nearly-visible question marks floating around it.
"As your manager," Renge announces, "I insist you not less this opportunity pass by without turning at least one member of the club into a vampire! It would give provide the tragic dark side that you've been lacking this whole time!"
This earns an echoing, stunned silence, which does not daunt Renge in the least. "The only question is which host. Honey-senpai, innocence corrupted?"
"Waaaaahhhh!" Honey dives behind Mori's leg. "Takashi, I don't want to be a vampire!"
"Kaoru, the lesser twin, suddenly given mysterious dark power and bloodlust while his brother feeds him tragically from his own body to prevent him from preying on others?" Renge clutches her hands together and looks heavenwards. "Oh, the beauty of their brotherly love!"
Kaoru and Hikaru glare at her and snap, in unison, "Who are you calling the lesser twin!"
"But maybe . . . yes, I think it really would have to be the host club king himself for the greatest impact. Picture it! His seductive powers increased a hundredfold, even as he loathes his own nature . . . wandering the halls at night, his loyal underlings helpless to ease the pain of his tormented soul -"
"Hmmmmmmm," says Tamaki, assuming a noble profile. One hand presses against his heart.
Recognizing the signs of danger, Haruhi grabs his hand hastily and shoves him backwards into the Super-Cute Strawberry Cake. "Renge!" she snaps, as she follows him inside, "do your research! Vampires in this world don't even have souls!"
Renge looks wounded. "Well, if you're going to be like that," she says, huffily, and the high-power motor retreats back into the floor.
They're planning just to deliver the new uniforms to the Starship Enterprise and go, but in the end they don't even get that far. Kyouya opens the door, takes one look out onto the bridge, slams it shut again before anyone can move out of the machine and says, looking unusually unpoised, "Reprogram it."
"But," says Mori, startling everyone so much that he's embarrassed back into silence again.
Honey has no such difficulty. "Kyouya-kun!" he says, leaning down from Mori's shoulders. "They were really really really really cute."
"Yes," says Kyouya, "and that's why we're leaving now, before anyone has a chance to bond with -"
Tamaki looks up with faint, sheepish defiance from the ball of vibrating fur in his lap. "She just crawled over to me," he informs them all, before any accusations can be made. "I'm going to name her Lady Genevieve."
Honey's eyes light up. Mori's do also, possibly, although it's much harder to tell. Kyouya takes a deep breath, visibly controlling his temper, and pinches the bridge of his nose. "Well," he says, "I suppose winter vacation was almost over anyway."
("This is what we get," Kaoru says to Haruhi several days later, once they've had to land the machine back in Japan for repairs and de-Tribblization, "for letting Honey-senpai name the machine to begin with." And when you think about it that way, an infestation of adorableness does seem to be the adventure's inevitable end.)
Characters: The entire host club, plus assorted special guests
Word Count: 3351
Summary: Does what it says on the label, guys. In other news, this is quite possibly the silliest thing I have ever written.
Nobody will own up to having made the terrible decision to show Tamaki a science-fiction film, which is probably wise, since, whoever that person was, Kyouya seems quite likely to have them quietly assassinated as soon as their identity is revealed.
Tamaki spends a lot of time googling 'extra-dimensional travel' on the internet, orders them all sexy astronaut costumes for their next cosplay, watches an entire season of Doctor Who in a night, and announces to Kyouya the next day that he's decided that over winter break they are going to visit an alternate universe. Kyouya says, "I'm not sure you correctly understand the word fiction," and Tamaki looks sadly understanding and says, "Of course, Kyouya, I'm sorry. I must have overestimated you. It's not your fault; don't feel bad, I'm sure we'll do something almost as fun," and Kyouya grits his teeth and gets on the phone with several of the top scientists at Tokyo university, and by the time winter vacation comes around they have a brand-new prototype dimension-hopper.
Tamaki wants to decorate it with paper crepe and call it Haruhi's Super-Cute Commoner-Style Time Machine. Both Haruhi and Kyouya politely veto this. Antoinette Junior, The High-Blood-Pressure-Demon-Lord’s Baby Carriage, and Our Great King’s Folly likewise get shot rapidly down. Time Machine almost carries the day after Haruhi makes a vaguely sad face when it’s implied that the suggestion might lack imagination; the unfortunate vessel is only saved from this fate when Honey cunningly suggests that a dimension-hopper under that name might get confusingly mixed up with other time machines if they happen to bump into any. In the end, the vehicle is formally named the Super-Delicious Strawberry Cake, since no one can think of a good reason to object, and stocked with several days’ supply of the same – just in case.
(They also stock four of Kyouya’s bodyguards in the back, just in case. Tamaki protests that they should be fine with just Honey and Mori and his own Prince-Style Starlight Kick Powers, but Kyouya likes to be prepared for any contingency.)
Once all the voyagers, plus the bodyguards, plus the cake are crammed into the device, Haruhi makes the mistake of asking where and when they’re going.
Ten minutes into Tamaki’s subsequent lengthy and teary-eyed fulmination on the topic of Haruhi’s limited travel experience and the importance of broadening all of their horizons, the time machine starts to rumble.
“Oops,” say Hikaru and Kaoru in tandem.
Haruhi squeezes her eyes shut. "Where did you program it for?"
The twins look at each other, shrug, and then look back, flipping four hands palm-up. “We thought it would be more fun if it was a surprise . . .?”
“To everyone!” says Hikaru gleefully.
“Including us,” agrees Kaoru serenely.
They grin like paired Persian cats.
“It’s all right,” says Kyouya, not looking up from his charts. “I’ve already programmed the machine to disallow anything that will land us in the middle of a volcano.”
After their first meeting with the Court of the Fire Nation, Tamaki demands a top-secret meeting.
“What,” he says, sternly, “is the most important objective of our visit here?”
“Preventing the Fire Nation Army from learning how to use or build copies of the Super-Delicious Strawberry Cake, since if they do they’ll be at an unstoppable technological advantage for the duration of the war?” offers Haruhi, without much hope.
“Our most important objective,” Tamaki declares, ignoring her entirely, “is to help Princess Azula realize the sisterly love she’s definitely been carrying for her brother all these years! We’ll call it Operation: Encourage the Princess to Open Her Heart to the Warm Feelings of Life Using Special Host Club Seduction Tactics. Now –” His eyes glint. “Somebody get me a bunny suit!”
They have to leave fairly quickly after that, but Tamaki is determined to consider the operation a success. Fire, after all, is a very warm feeling.
"A contest! A contest!" cries Kaoru, and Hikaru adds, "Whoever sells the most papers gets to keep the picture of Haruhi in her cute newsboy outfit!"
"What," says Haruhi, but it does the trick; Tamaki's traumatized Inner Mind Theater visions of a younger Haruhi huddling against the side of a hovel marked 'Commoner Middle School' and selling matches and newspapers disappear, and he hastily grabs up a pile of papers and launches himself into the crowd.
Mori and Honey, utilizing their powerful one-two combination of big-eyed appeals and refreshing stoicism, sell fifty papers in the next half hour. The twins have bullied people into buying thirty. Tamaki has offloaded forty, but keeps forgetting that he's supposed to be collecting money for them and therefore has only made twenty-five cents. Kyouya, mysteriously, has managed to get rid of two hundred and is counting quarters, glasses glinting.
Haruhi sits next to David, blinking and watching the commotion. David gives her the side-eye for a while, then sighs. He appreciates the assistance and all, but - "Where did you say you were normally based again?"
"New Jersey," says Haruhi, firmly.
David considers what he’s heard about New Jersey Newsies. He supposes that explains it.
Once Taumad wanders off, Tamaki takes Kyouya aside. "Kyouya," he says, seriously. "We've never discussed what the host club should do if anything happens to me."
Kyouya, who has a separate contingency plans in place to account for the sudden injury or disability of each of the host club members, smiles blandly and says, "No, I suppose not."
"This is very important, Kyouya," Tamaki insists, leaning closer, and then suddenly swings around to point at Tau. "We can't recruit him now because it would be doubling up, but if anything happens to me -"
"I'm surprised you're so magnanimous about someone taking over your role," remarks Kyouya.
"Beauty is a gift, Kyouya," says Tamaki, producing a rose out of nowhere with which to pose. Rain starts to drizzle on his face; in the background, various crew members sigh and begin to take in the ship's sail. "How could I be so selfish as to deny that to all the maidens whose heart craves the attention of a prince more than it does a wild type or a glasses type? Our club's goal is far more important than any individual member!"
Meanwhile, Jeje attempts to explain Tamaki to Inda three times before she finally just says, "Look, right, he's like Tau, if someone took away all the brains."
"Excuse me," Haruhi asks politely in her best English, as the shots echo around them, "but where are we?"
The nearest young man pauses in his rushing back and forth for gunpowder to snap, "Behind the barricade!"
"Oh," says Haruhi, still very polite. "Thank you." She turns back to the others. "I think we'd better -"
"What are you fighting for?" demands Tamaki, in impeccable French.
Another young man, the one who seems to be in charge, picks up the question. "For what else?" he retorts, in a voice like a trumpet. "For liberty! For equality! For the people who will not be slaves again! There is a life about to start when tomorrow comes!"
Tears well up in Tamaki's eyes. "Ah!" he exclaims, putting a hand to his chest. "Egalite, fraternite! The values of my people! I join you, my brother!"
"Brother!" cries the leader, as Tamaki starts to clamber up the barricade. "Somebody fetch him a gun!"
Haruhi exchanges a speaking look with Kyouya, and the twins hasten over to distract Tamaki by reminding him that he packed a set of revolutionary cosplay before they left. Mori quietly stands up, Honey on his shoulders. "Our turn," he explains, and, without further ado, launches Honey over the edge of the barricade before vaulting to follow him.
"That should do it," murmurs Kyouya, as the sounds of shots from beyond the barricade are replaced by the sounds of a number of French soldiers faced with an inexplicable bunny whirlwind.
"Egalite!" Tamaki rhapsodizes as re-emerges from the Super-Cute Strawberry Shortcake, now bedecked in a tricolor badge and sash. "Fraternite! No wonder I have such an intuitive understanding of the commoner soul, Haruhi! To a Frenchman, all men are brothers!"
Haruhi sighs and does her best to ignore him; she is busy calculating in her head the likelihood of the space-time continuum being destroyed by the intervention of a Haninozuka and a Morinozuka in the 1832 June Rebellion.
"This is terrible!" cries Tamaki, his face chalk-white. "Kyouya . . . is the Earth really so poor in the future that we can't afford anything better to represent humanity than -"
"--orange!" whimpers Kaoru, and buries his face in Hikaru's shoulder again, both of them shaking with laughter.
"Dammit, you brats," roars McCoy, "I'm a doctor, not a fashion model!"
Kyouya, with a pained look on his face, is already calculating the cost of redesigning and re-supplying all the uniforms on the Starship Enterprise.
When the host club comes back from their trip to the authentic commoner ice-cream parlor, they are somewhat surprised to find a pair of strangers engaged in trying on all the pirate silks from the costume closet.
"Tamaki," murmurs Kyouya wearily, "did you forget to lock the door again?"
The man and the woman dart each other glances under their giant skull-and-crossbone-embroidered hats. "What should we do, Isaac?" whispers the woman.
"We'll bluff it out, Miria!" whispers the man.
They square their shoulders in unison, and then: "Intruders!" announces the man, brandishing a fake peg leg.
"Thieves!" adds the woman, waving a hook.
". . . no, that's what we should be saying," says Haruhi.
The man and the woman take a step backwards and sidle a little closer together. "Miria," hisses the man, "I think they're onto us!"
"Onto us!" gasps the woman.
"There's only one thing for it," they say together, and turn towards the host club. With determined-looking synchronized nods, they doff their hats and offer them out. "Please forgive us!"
"Please forgive us!"
Haruhi, trying not to laugh, looks over at Hikaru and Kaoru to see if they're getting the joke, but to her surprise the twins look half-annoyed and half-unnerved.
"Haruhi," say the two of them in unison, and then Kaoru snaps his mouth shut and lets Hikaru finish. "Is that what we sound like?"
When the door of the time machine opens this time around, the Host Club members find themselves faced with Princess Azula and five armed and dangerous Fire Nation soldiers, all pointing their spears straight at Kyouya.
“Seize him!” Azula shouts, just as Kyouya snaps his fingers, and the four Ohtori bodyguards step out of the shadows and level their weapons at Azula.
He raises an eyebrow.
Azula’s triumphant smirk turns into a frown.
“Kyo –” Tamaki starts to exclaim, before Mori yanks him and Honey backwards into the machine. He repeats the procedure a second later with the twins and then shuts the door firmly after them, as Honey explains in a cheerful undertone to Haruhi, “I think maybe we should leave them alone for a while.”
When Tamaki sticks his head back out half an hour later, all the bodyguards on both sides seem to be incapacitated, and the walls are covered in scorch marks. Azula’s hands are crackling with electricity, and Kyouya appears to be doing some furious work on his calculator. On hearing Tamaki approach, they both look up and snap, “Do you mind?”
Tamaki grows mushrooms in a corner for a while, but since nobody seems inclined to pay attention – and his hair has already gotten singed once by a stray lightning bolt – he eventually unfurls himself and slinks back into the machine to report that Kyouya’s not ready to leave yet.
"No, Mori-senpai," says Tamaki sternly, as the cries of "WAAAAH! I'M A LLAMA!" subside down to a faint whimpering.
Mori pats the llama's head soothingly once again and looks over at Tamaki. He doesn't say anything and his expression barely changes, but Tamaki staggers backwards and grabs Haruhi, pulling her in front of him like a shield. "Haruhi, help! He's giving me the puppy eyes!"
Haruhi blinks, and examines Mori again. It's always a bit hard to tell that Mori's projecting anything besides an air of generalized stoic and refreshing coolness, but she thinks she can possibly identify the faint sad furrow of the brow that Tamaki is picking up on. "Mori-senpai," she says, in what she hopes is a tone of great reasonableness. "I know he's cute, but we really can't bring a talking llama back with us -"
"Emperor!" shouts the llama.
"- especially if he's secretly an emperor. He has to stay here and, um, govern. Doesn't he? And Piyo-chan and Pome wouldn't be happy to have to share with another pet."
"Tell him we don't have room for a llama type in the host club!" Tamaki hisses in her ear, covering his eyes protectively with one hand. "Tell him that if we're picking up anyone new here it's that broad-shouldered type who can do his own theme music! That's the kind of skill we could really use!"
Haruhi ignores Tamaki with the ease of long practice. "And, senpai . . ." She allows some of her nervousness to come through. "We really have to get back to where we left Bun-Bun before Honey wakes up . . ."
Mori sighs, recognizing the gravity of this, and starts to carefully slide the llama's head off his lap.
"Don't gooooo!" wails the llama, and flings its hooves around Mori. "Don't leave me alooooooone and a llaaaaaaama!"
Haruhi can read Mori's face much more clearly now. It says: HELP.
Kyouya's voice is as bland as can possibly be, as he remarks, "It seems Mori's mysteriously-soothing-to-animals aura has struck again."
"It does seem suspiciously convenient that the dimension-hopping heir to a Japanese business empire has shown up on our doorstep just as a metaphorical corporate Godzilla attempts to assert total financial control of the city with the ironically literal usage of a Japanese-speaking giant dinosaur," the Middleman admits, "but what the heck, I've never been one to look a gift bishonen in the mouth. Dubby -" He claps Kyouya on the shoulder. "Take our new friend Mr. Ohtori here over to the HEYDAR!"
Wendy Watson does not seem to be appeased. "I've got my eye on you, kid," she says darkly, and then stabs two fingers across the room. "And on Jailbait One and Two over there."
Hikaru smiles angelically at her as he surreptitiously tosses the Truth Bomb he's been fiddling with over to Kaoru behind his back.
"It is a bit strange that we'd show up at just the right time for Kyouya to help with this, though," Haruhi says to Tamaki.
Tamaki blinks at her. "Not really that strange, is it? If Kyouya's continuing his plans to challenge his family's business empire, it makes sense that he'd want to establish a good relationship with his father's clients. I understand the Ohtori company provides O2STK with a lot of their weapons and gadgets and things. He probably checked his sources for a past crisis he could help with and programmed the coordinates into the machine in advance."
Now it's Haruhi's turn to blink. "You really do know him well, don't you . . ."
"Oh, Kyouya's not that complicated," said Tamaki cheerfully.
Haruhi finds herself feeling unusually impressed by Tamaki's keen character insight, an opinion that lasts for all of five minutes until the twins talk him into attempting to charm the muumuu-clad android, an endeavor clearly destined for disaster. On the bright side, the Middleman seems very appreciative of the host club king's ability to grow vegetables on cue.
"Who are you calling a bean no bigger than a grain of sand!" roars the blonde boy, practically hopping with rage.
"Him," says Mori, jerking a thumb down towards Honey, who waves and offers a winning smile.
Ed Elric falters, thrown off his rant, and the giant suit of armor clanking nervously behind him starts to exude an air of relief, until Hikaru grins wickedly and says, "Honey-senpai always likes meeting people the same size as he is!"
Kaoru drags Hikaru out of the way just in time.
"Don't you think we should go help Miss Summers?" asks Honey, as the vampire comes crashing through the window, lands on a spiky chair, and dissolves in a pile of dust.
"She seems to have the situation under control," Kyouya answers, glancing over at Tamaki, who nods and starts to lead the way back into the Super-Cute Strawberry Cake -
- when they are interrupted by the all-too-familiar sound of a high-power motor, followed by a shrill "Hohohohohohohoho!"
"I knew it!" mutters Hikaru.
"But how did she even get to this dimension?" wonders Kaoru.
Renge allows herself a few more "hohohos!" and then stabs a finger towards the host club king. "Not so fast, Suoh Tamaki!"
Tamaki tilts his head, small nearly-visible question marks floating around it.
"As your manager," Renge announces, "I insist you not less this opportunity pass by without turning at least one member of the club into a vampire! It would give provide the tragic dark side that you've been lacking this whole time!"
This earns an echoing, stunned silence, which does not daunt Renge in the least. "The only question is which host. Honey-senpai, innocence corrupted?"
"Waaaaahhhh!" Honey dives behind Mori's leg. "Takashi, I don't want to be a vampire!"
"Kaoru, the lesser twin, suddenly given mysterious dark power and bloodlust while his brother feeds him tragically from his own body to prevent him from preying on others?" Renge clutches her hands together and looks heavenwards. "Oh, the beauty of their brotherly love!"
Kaoru and Hikaru glare at her and snap, in unison, "Who are you calling the lesser twin!"
"But maybe . . . yes, I think it really would have to be the host club king himself for the greatest impact. Picture it! His seductive powers increased a hundredfold, even as he loathes his own nature . . . wandering the halls at night, his loyal underlings helpless to ease the pain of his tormented soul -"
"Hmmmmmmm," says Tamaki, assuming a noble profile. One hand presses against his heart.
Recognizing the signs of danger, Haruhi grabs his hand hastily and shoves him backwards into the Super-Cute Strawberry Cake. "Renge!" she snaps, as she follows him inside, "do your research! Vampires in this world don't even have souls!"
Renge looks wounded. "Well, if you're going to be like that," she says, huffily, and the high-power motor retreats back into the floor.
They're planning just to deliver the new uniforms to the Starship Enterprise and go, but in the end they don't even get that far. Kyouya opens the door, takes one look out onto the bridge, slams it shut again before anyone can move out of the machine and says, looking unusually unpoised, "Reprogram it."
"But," says Mori, startling everyone so much that he's embarrassed back into silence again.
Honey has no such difficulty. "Kyouya-kun!" he says, leaning down from Mori's shoulders. "They were really really really really cute."
"Yes," says Kyouya, "and that's why we're leaving now, before anyone has a chance to bond with -"
Tamaki looks up with faint, sheepish defiance from the ball of vibrating fur in his lap. "She just crawled over to me," he informs them all, before any accusations can be made. "I'm going to name her Lady Genevieve."
Honey's eyes light up. Mori's do also, possibly, although it's much harder to tell. Kyouya takes a deep breath, visibly controlling his temper, and pinches the bridge of his nose. "Well," he says, "I suppose winter vacation was almost over anyway."
("This is what we get," Kaoru says to Haruhi several days later, once they've had to land the machine back in Japan for repairs and de-Tribblization, "for letting Honey-senpai name the machine to begin with." And when you think about it that way, an infestation of adorableness does seem to be the adventure's inevitable end.)
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Date: 2011-05-11 02:14 am (UTC)Especially for the Kyouya + calculator vs. Azula + lightning. (A ship to rule the world, that one.) And the way everyone positively cries (with or without laughter) at the Star Trek uniforms. And the possible destruction of the space-time continuum via JOINING THE JUNE REBELLION, ahaha. Despite knowing nothing at all about the June Rebellion, this is incredibly funny. And the neat deflection of Ed's anger. And Mori's faaaaace. His 'HELP' face. And his mysteriously-soothing-to-animals aura! *giggling forever* "Kyouya's not that complicated." "I've never been one to look a gift bishounen in the mouth." Isaac and Miria! Fire, after all, is a very warm feeling. The fact that Kyouya just calls up Toudai for a dimension-hopping machine. And that they stocked the bodyguards in the back.
ALL THE THINGS I LOVE. ♥
Wait, except for Utena and Gokusen. NEXT TIME, THEN.PLEASE BE AMAZING FOR EVER.Also, the Amazing Saga Of The Rather Late Comment (because I think you might be interested): I got two sentences into typing this before I glanced over to my right and noticed that the inside of my open window was covered with WINGED INSECTS I DID NOT RECOGNIZE. According to my dad, they are not termites because they bit him. I think all the ones that made it inside are gone, but damn. I spent the next two hours hiding downstairs, studying for my upcoming final and going AAAAAAAA INSECT SEASON IS HERE.
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Date: 2011-05-11 02:15 pm (UTC).. . also AUGH. That sounds like a highly unpleasant discovery. @___@ You beat my unpleasant insect experience of yesterday! (Jumping in my shower, halfway through seeing GIANT WASP, leaping back out completely naked and attempting to figure out how to complete my shower without getting STUNG BY DEATH.)
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Date: 2011-05-11 03:34 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-05-11 04:23 pm (UTC)