(no subject)

[skygiants]

So I may have forgotten to mention the absolute delight and joy I got from watching the recent ridiculous Three Musketeers movie, starring Milla Jovovich, a bunch of dirigibles, Orlando Bloom, and Orlando Bloom's hair. (MORE ON THIS once I have a copy that I can actually screencap, because I don't feel I can properly talk about this film without VISUAL AIDS.)

Anyway, as is often the case in these scenarios, this led to a sudden and incontrollable urge to reread The Three Musketeers: Original Flavor, in all its over-the-top seventeenth-century French glory.

Guys, I had forgotten -- I mean, I knew, but I had forgotten anyway -- exactly what degree of asshole most of the Musketeers are, especially Athos. To refresh your memory, Athos is the one who is Secret Nobility with a Tragic Manpainy Past and whom Dumas spends most of his time rhapsodizing about: he's so noble! so wise! so mature! such a degree above pretty much everybody else!

Let's take a look at some of Noble Athos' actions throughout the book, shall we?

1. So there's that time that Athos locks himself up in the cellar of an inn for a week, gets roaring drunk on stolen wine, smashes everything up, eats all the food, and refuses to come out until his teenaged friend shows up to talk him down! CLASSY.

2. Or how about the time that he and all his friends are a little short on cash to go to war?

REST OF THE MUSKETEERS: We'll go out and figure out some way to get money!
ATHOS: Y'all can do that if you want. Me, I am going to sit here until money is magically delivered to my doorstep! And if that doesn't happen, I'll just commit suicide I guess or something.
REST OF THE MUSKETEERS: . . . . 'kay?

3. Oh hey, some money got magically delivered to his doorstep!

ATHOS: Oh, come on, I don't want this money. I got it from killing some guy who wasn't even worth it.
D'ARTAGNAN: So give it to our long-suffering servants who haven't gotten paid for like a month!
LONG-SUFFERING SERVANTS: :D?
ATHOS: How about I give it to . . . our enemy's presumably well-paid servants? Classy, right?
LONG-SUFFERING SERVANTS: . . . . D:

4. Speaking of long-suffering servants, then we have the secret council of war! Athos has a BRILLIANT PLAN.

REST OF THE MUSKETEERS: So what is your brilliant plan, Athos? And why are we wandering out into the middle of the battlefield?
ATHOS: Didn't I tell you guys? We're going to go have a picnic in the middle of the battlefield while fighting off fifty dudes! It is perfect for our secret war council! If we don't all get killed, I guess.
ATHOS' LONG-SUFFERING SERVANT: . . . nobody mentioned this! I am not comfortable with this.
ATHOS: Well, it is either come along, or I fire you in the terminal fashion, right here, right now.
ATHOS' LONG-SUFFERING SERVANT: D: D: D: D:

5. Oh, and how can we forget the tragic backstory?

SIXTEEN-YEAR-OLD MRS. ATHOS: Oops, I guess I never mentioned that before we were married I was branded as a thief that one time. Uh, whoops? Sorry?
ATHOS: Oh, look, here's a tree! And a rope! Instead of letting you explain, how about I hang you RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW?
SIXTEEN-YEAR-OLD MRS. ATHOS: I like how I'm supposed to be the villain of this story.

So that's Athos! And this is not even getting into D'Artagnan, who earns almost as many points on assholishness, although admittedly he skips the wife-homicide. The only one who comes off halfway well is Aramis, who spends most of the book politely explaining that it would be ungentlemanly to talk about his secret girlfriend no matter how much everybody wants him to.

. . . that being said, assholes or not, I devoured the whole six hundred page tome in two days, so, you know, clearly I enjoyed reading it. It's funny! It's action-packed! I just also spent most of the book secretly rooting for Athos to die.

Comments

[kate_nepveu]

This is why I like _The Phoenix Guards_ better than the thing it's pastiching!

[scifantasy]

I was going to say something to that effect, but I don't think skygiants has read Dragaera. And I don't have the physical books to lend her anymore (and besides, she takes a while to return stuff. *grin*).

[kate_nepveu]

I started with _The Phoenix Guards_ and don't recommend it; Brust hadn't got the full hang of gentle incluing yet for people reading things out of publication order and there was a lot that I didn't get about the background worldbuilding until I went and read _Jhereg_.

But it is a lot of fun.

[scifantasy]

Oh, I agree--definitely read Jhereg first. Probably Yendi too.

[skygiants]

A book is different than twenty-four hours of television! :P

[skygiants]

I actually have read The Phoenix Guards! And no other Brust books, so in retrospect it probably was not the best place to start, since I spent a lot of time very confused . . . but I did recognize and laud the pastiche!

[kate_nepveu]

Well, as Rachel has just cross-recced the Vlad books and Baccano to people, perhaps you may try more Brust in the future.

[intothespin]

So there's that time that Athos locks himself up in the cellar of an inn for a week, gets roaring drunk on stolen wine, smashes everything up, eats all the food, and refuses to come out until his teenaged friend shows up to talk him down!

This outraged me SO MUCH. That poor innkeeper!

[skygiants]

RIGHT? And everyone is just like 'lol that's what you get!' I was braced for the sexism, but I kept forgetting to brace for classism . . . MY MISTAKE.

And speaking of sexism ...

[intothespin]

Milady has always been my favorite. I must read Lavie Tidhar's fanfic where she is the lead.

Re: And speaking of sexism ...

[skygiants]

That's because she is best! Although I had also forgotten how badass Constance is before her depressing disappearance and subsequent more depressing fridging.

. . . and therefore clearly, so must I! :O

[holyschist]

I gotta admit, this is why I heretically prefer most movie versions, including the bad ones, in some ways.

Then again, Milady and Rochefort are my favorites.

[skygiants]

Evil will always triumph over good! Because good is dumb jerktastic.

[holyschist]

I'm not entirely convinced either Milady or Rochefort is evil, in the books; I mean, Rochefort and D'Artagnan become BFFs. I mean, everyone in Count of Monte Cristo is a jerk, too. I think that's just how Dumas rolls. Or something.

[skygiants]

Yeah, I'm not either. The only thing I can't forgive Milady is killing Constance, because I like Constance too! Everything else: totally reasonable.

But not everyone in Monte Cristo is a jerk! Eugenie and her girlfriend are adorable and I am quite fond of Franz for his forty pages of screentime . . .

[holyschist]

True on both counts! I do remember liking a couple of the Monte Cristo characters, but that was a long time ago....

[surexit]

ORLANDO BLOOM'S HAIR WAS A MAJOR FEATURE, YES.

[skygiants]

THE BIGGEST FEATURE OF ALL.

[lnhammer]

(here via mme_hardy)

Yup, yup, yup. Especially that last paragraph. The Three Musketeers, Twenty Years After, and the first quarter of The Viscount of Bragaraglebargle got me through this summer's appendectomy and the first week of recovery.

---L.

[skygiants]

That's the way to do it! I have vague, vague memories of valiantly attempting to make my way all the way through to Viscount of Man in the Iron Mask when I was thirteen, but I never made it, and I can't remember why. I am sort of motivated to again now! I am looking forward to the lulz AND to watching the story of Athos and his manpain come to an entertainingly tragic end.

[lnhammer]

Each installment of the story is Darker And Grimmer, as the ideals of the start take a tarnishing at the hands of late middle-age. This wouldn't be much of a narrative problem if the next generation took on the adventure focus to carry events forward, but they all (especially the titular viscount, but also the titular Louise of another installment) are something of drips.

---L.