(no subject)

[skygiants]

I had a sick day yesterday, which I naturally spent reading the most nonsense book I had on hand -- Cruising to Danger by Priscilla Hagon, which I bought in a used bookstore in Portland last year on the basis of a gloriously terrible cover and copy.

This brief novel begins with Our Heroine, Joanna, deciding she needs a summer job and applying to an ad that calls for a "sensible, ordinary girl" to nanny a couple of kids on a cruise ship.

When she turns up for the interview, she accidentally overhears her prospective employer talking to Someone Sinister!

SOMEONE SINISTER: Are you sure it's a good idea to bring your wife and kids AND some random girl on this very important, very sinister trip?
PROSPECTIVE EMPLOYER: Don't worry, I'll make sure the random girl is a very STUPID girl.

JOANNA: ....oh, gosh, I guess 'ordinary' was code for 'stupid'! What do I do? I'm going to Oxford in the fall, and I speak fluent Italian, BUT ... I really want to go on this free cruise so I guess I'll just edit everything smart-sounding off my resume and sign up! :DDD

And this, my friends, is the best possible illustration of the difference between the 'intelligence' stat and the 'wisdom' stat that I can imagine.

JOANNA, WHO IS TOO INTELLIGENT ON PAPER FOR HER JOB AS A SINISTER MAN'S STUPID NANNY: Should I tell my police detective uncle about this sinister cruise ship gig in case I disappear mysteriously? MAYBE! -- oh wait he's out of town? OK I GUESS I TELL NO ONE.

And at first Joanna very much enjoys her free cruise! The kids, Candy and Gil, are great; the wife is great; there are all kinds of fun people to hang out with. Her delight is only marred by the fact that she can't let her shipboard crush know that she speaks multiple languages and is going to study at Oxford, and the fact that she can't show basic human empathy, because stupid people don't.

JOANNA, WHO IS TOO INTELLIGENT ON PAPER FOR HER JOB AS A SINISTER MAN'S STUPID NANNY: "It would have been natural to express sympathy [for the stressed-out wife] and try to help, but a stupid girl probably wouldn't even have noticed that something seemed to be wrong. :("

However, as the plot thickens, Joanna rapidly comes to the conclusion (based on a helpful news article about Secret Information being stolen from a Secret Nuclear Facility) that a.) her boss is smuggling Nuclear Information to COMMUNISTS!! and b.) that he's trying to MURDER HIS WIFE!!!!

...so Joanna breaks into his room, steals the secret information, hides it in the cruiseship library, and continues to not tell anybody about this. At one point she does try to tell her shipboard crush, but then he twists his ankle in a completely unrelated accident, so Joanna's like 'oops! guess I can't tell secrets to a dude with a TWISTED ANKLE!' and drops that whole plan immediately.

She also sends an airmail letter to her uncle back in London like "well I hope he sends a plane immediately to act on my hunch, but if not I guess I'm just screwed, OH WELL." She does try to telephone him, but, oops! the line for the phones are long! And, you know, Joanna's on vacation, she still wants to do some sightseeing, right? THIS IS A CRUISE.

Then the cruiseship library catches on fire! I'm still not entirely sure why this happened, as it's never explained, and the hiding spot of the top-secret information is totally fine, it's just Sometimes On Cruise Ships Things Catch On Fire I Guess.

Anyway, Joanna continues to be fine under her disguise of Extreme Stupidity until! she accidentally bumps into HER OLD TEACHER ... who accidentally reveals that Joanna's GOING TO OXFORD IN THE FALL!!!

Joanna's Employer immediately intuits from this fact that Joanna is an Imposter who is Ruining His Plans and tries to murder her, like, three times.

JOANNA: Well I guess it's finally time to let my crush know that my life is in immediate peril!
JOANNA'S CRUSH, NOW RECOVERED FROM HIS STRAINED ANKLE: oh what a wildly implausible story! ha ha!
JOANNA: D: D: D: FINE I guess I'll just ... wander around Gibraltar ....... by myself ......... waiting to be assassinated .......

But then Joanna's crush turns up just in time to save her from the final assassination attempt, along with Joanna's uncle!

JOANNA'S CRUSH: darling I'm so sorry, I believed you all along and got in touch with your uncle immediately, which was no problem for me, somehow! We just thought it would stress you out if we told you that you were right and had thwarted an important Communist plot, so instead we decided to gaslight you. Somehow it never occurred to us that this would backfire!
JOANNA: Darling, we are perfectly matched! *___*

And Joanna goes off to Oxford and gets engaged to her shipboard crush, and the Sinister Employer dies, and the Imperiled Wife marries a new man named KANE which means the Imperiled Daughter's new name is CANDY KANE, which is honestly the absolute worst thing to happen in this whole book. The end!

As a sidenote: Joanna's secret fluency in Italian is never plot relevant, ever. Not even once.

Comments

[rmc28]

I just had to go look up Nine Coaches Waiting where the viewpoint character is hired as a nanny who must be Very English And Definitely Not French At All. But at least Linda Martin's French fluency turns out to be plot-relevant, and she isn't as infuriating as Joanna sounds ...

[brb accidentally started reading a Mary Stewart novel]

[aella_irene]

And at least she's genuinely in need of a job.

[skygiants]

I have a Mary Stewart lined up on my e-reader for my trip this weekend to be an Actual Good Gothic in contract! (...but I forget which one. It might be Nine Coaches Waiting!)

[rmc28]

Oooh. Well, I fell headfirst into rereading the book and stayed up too late last night finishing it. I'm only regretting it a bit :-)

[saraqael]

If this book is even a fraction as funny as your review, I'm going to have to find a copy.

[skygiants]

It packs a helpful amount of What Not To Do Life Lessons in one helpful 150-page package!

[lycomingst]

Best. Review. Ever.

[skygiants]

:D

[landofnowhere]

O.O

That was a delightful summary of the nonsense!

[skygiants]

I'll be honest, from the first chapter this was a book I knew I had to tell the internet about.

[genarti]

WOW those sure are some choices being made by these characters! *cracking up*

This entire book sounds like it's sheer elegance in its simplicity.

[skygiants]

I mean on the one hand stolen state secrets but on the other hand WHO SAYS NO TO A FREE CRUISE, AMIRITE?

[genarti]

ONLY A VERY STUPID PERSON wait

[schneefink]

And this, my friends, is the best possible illustration of the difference between the 'intelligence' stat and the 'wisdom' stat that I can imagine.
Indeed xD

[brainwane]

I loved this particular sentence SO MUCH. Thank you skygiants.

[skygiants]

Joanna's Employer would have been infinitely reassured had he just remembered that Oxford does not test people on common sense!

[vass]

the Imperiled Wife marries a new man named KANE which means the Imperiled Daughter's new name is CANDY KANE, which is honestly the absolute worst thing to happen in this whole book.

OH NO.

[skygiants]

THAT POOR CHILD DID NOTHING TO DESERVE THIS

[littlerhymes]

Her delight is only marred by the fact that she can't let her shipboard crush know that she speaks multiple languages and is going to study at Oxford, and the fact that she can't show basic human empathy, because stupid people don't.

I am crying. OH JOANNA.

[skygiants]

Joanna tried her very best! Dedicated method acting!

[elsane]

AMAZING

[skygiants]

It was a very special reading experience!

[larryhammer]

And this, my friends, is the best possible illustration of the difference between the 'intelligence' stat and the 'wisdom' stat that I can imagine.

Hee.

[sandrylene]

OMG, amazing. Thank you for sharing this marvel with the world! :D

[skygiants]

AS ALWAYS, I am happy to do it. >:D