(no subject)

[skygiants]

I realize that there are still three weeks left in the year and this is tempting fate a little, but I'm pretty sure I did it: I found the absolute worst book I will read this year.

I want it stated for the record: I have gotten a lot better about not compulsively finishing everything once I start it if it's absolutely horrific. Unfortunately, I brought Someone Is Killing The Great Chefs of Europe along on a day I had a lot of public transit to do and I didn't have any other books with me, and so, to my regret, I read the entire thing anyway.

The plot: famous gourmand and magazine editor Achille van Golk is dying of obesity, so he decides to murder all his favorite chefs in revenge. This isn't a spoiler, it's in the first chapter of the book.

The rest of the novel involves several chefs being gruesomely murdered while Natasha, Achille's favorite dessert chef, comes under suspicion for their deaths. She also has a lot of really unfortunately described sex, some with doomed chefs and some with police officials and some with her ex-husband who is also the romantic lead, because this is that kind of book.

(It's okay! He very nobly doesn't attempt to bang her on the actual night that she's grieving the second murder of a dear friend and colleague, just complains the whole next day about how difficult it was not to make a move and how put-upon he feels!)

To be fair, I should make it quite clear that this book is a satire on Haute Cuisine Culture and there are some scenes that are quite funny. The scene in which all the best Parisian chefs start complaining that if someone is going to start murdering great chefs it is an INSULT not to start with the French - I laughed! Too bad the whole thing is so completely soaked in gross seventies sexism, fat-shaming, and unfortunate casual incest.

(Did I forget to mention the unfortunate casual incest? There's unfortunate casual incest. Natasha's first murdered chef boyfriend is also her adoptive father. This did lead to a plot thread about Natasha's relationship with her adoptive mother, which I did, despite myself, get halfway invested in ...

UNTIL HER ADOPTED MOTHER GOT BLOWN UP WITH AN EXPLODING ELECTRIC MIXER IMMEDIATELY AFTER THEIR TOUCHING RECONCILIATION.

I did this, I thought. I doomed Natasha's poor adoptive mother by thinking that there might be something redeemable in this text.)

...all that said, Someone is Killing the Great Chefs of Europe is an amazing title and despite my regrets, I still think my decision to buy it from the dollar bin was a reasonable choice given the information I had at the time.

Comments

[cyphomandra]

Oh dear. I have seen the film of this! I did not know it was a book, and I saw it over 20 years ago so all I remember is a rather unnerving bit with a duck press and an exploding Baked Alaska. No incest, although that doesn't mean it wasn't there...

At least you have a baseline established!

[skygiants]

The murder-by-duck-press is in the book and extremely gross! I think the exploding baked Alaska probably replaces the exploding mixer in this book; something baked-Alaska-esque is Natasha's Signature Dessert.

[sovay]

UNTIL HER ADOPTED MOTHER GOT BLOWN UP WITH AN EXPLODING ELECTRIC MIXER IMMEDIATELY AFTER THEIR TOUCHING RECONCILIATION.

Wow, uh.

[skygiants]

Up until the last minute I thought maybe someone was going to stop the mixer from exploding? But nope. NOPE.

[sovay]

Up until the last minute I thought maybe someone was going to stop the mixer from exploding? But nope. NOPE.

Is this supposed to be tragic? Or ironic? Or just tonal whiplash?

[skygiants]

I HAVE NO IDEA. Ironic, I ... think? Maybe? I'm really unclear on the motivations behind anything that happened in this book, honestly, with the exception of 'gourmet food culture is ridiculous,' which, OK, is true.

[umadoshi]

I still think my decision to buy it from the dollar bin was a reasonable choice given the information I had at the time.

This seems totally legit, yep.

[skygiants]

Sometimes you find an unexpected gem! Sometimes ... you do not.

[krait]

Agreed!

I mean, I own a copy of Chariots of the Gods and The Coward's Guide to Vasectomy, amongst other things, just because I found them cheap and the title or description cracked me up. :D

(The Coward's Guide is legit pretty hilarious, too; no regrets on that one.)

[sovay]

The Coward's Guide to Vasectomy

That is an amazing title.

[krait]

You can see why I had to have it!

It's a pretty great book, really. I should post about it, if I can find where I stashed it!

[sovay]

I should post about it, if I can find where I stashed it!

Please!

[skygiants]

YES PLEASE, I am now extremely curious!

[umadoshi]

The Coward's Guide to Vasectomy

The title alone is amazing.

(I didn't only just subscribe to you in hopes of not missing it if you post about the book--you also seem awesome--but it didn't hurt.)

[krait]

Haha!

Not gonna lie, I went looking for it last night so that I could post about it, so I'm glad you had that thought. Wasn't able to find it, but I'll keep looking. (Isn't that how it always goes? Notice something is somewhere, and think, 'That's a dumb place to leave that! I'll never remember that it's here. I should put it away.' Then when you've put it away, all you can remember is where it was before!)

[umadoshi]

Then when you've put it away, all you can remember is where it was before!

So, so true. (Looking for things fruitlessly always makes me think of Delirium in Sandman saying something like "I knew it'd be in the last place I looked, so I looked there first!", which...is not actually helpful. But the thought recurs.)

I hope the book turns up!

[larryhammer]

That's how I discovered and read The Big U back when it was Neal Stevenson's only novel. No regrets there, either (well, except the time we considered selling it as a first edition to make the rent but decided to put it off for now, only to discover next month it was getting reprinted, which knocked down its value).

[slashmarks]

That sounds like an excellent contender for worst book of the year. I'm sorry you experienced it, but I'm glad to have heard about it and gotten to laugh without having to myself.

[skygiants]

I used to read many more bad books by accident because I was much more grimly determined about ploughing through things I didn't like, so only one really excruciatingly terrible book a year is honestly pretty good for me!

[slashmarks]

May your numbers continue to improve to zero!

[rachelmanija]

I have come across the title periodically and always make a mental note to look it up for obvious reasons, then forget until the next time I see it. Guess I lucked out!

I am sadly not surprised at anything containing sexism and fat-shaming. I am surprised at the random casual incest. WTF is that even, and also, why?

[skygiants]

You saved yourself!

A quick glance at the movie plot summary reveals that they seem to have edited out the casual incest subplot entirely, which is probably the best choice they could have made.

[genarti]

That title is great!

...Unfortunately, it sounds like that was about the only good part of it. Eeesh.

[skygiants]

There were some recipes in the book too! Unfortunately none of them, even the fancy dessert, were anything that I would ever conceivably make, so that too was a wash.

[kalloway]

I may be a terrible person for saying this, but if you did tempt fate and do find worse, I'm gonna be pretty impressed~

[skygiants]

IT'S STILL POSSIBLE. The holidays are coming and I have at least one friend who makes it a habit to hand-deliver me terrible books every gift-giving opportunity she gets...

[asakiyume]

At a dollar-bin bargain, I think it was well worth it. After all, now you do have a worst-book-of-the-year title, and that's something, right?

[skygiants]

It's true! It really wouldn't have been fair to stick Idylls of the Queen with that title, which was honestly sort of charming in its own special way.

[genarti]

...I think you mean Exiled from Camelot here...? Though possibly I am wrong!

[skygiants]

I DO MEAN EXILED FROM CAMELOT, I'M SO SORRY PHYLLIS ANN KARR

[marginaliana]

I... okay... sure...

It's amazing that there was a film of it, too! Wow.

[skygiants]

I can sort of imagine what the film was like -- or rather I can imagine what the film would have been like had it been made in the nineties, in a sort of sleazy Austin Powers-ish Let's Mock the Seventies way, but I have a hard time imagining what the actual seventies film was like and I do not intend to find out.

[landofnowhere]

Thank you for reading this so we don't have to!

[skygiants]

Suffering As a Public Service is what we do around here! (...when we can't avoid suffering anyway.)

[minutia_r]

Hah, I saw the cover of that book for years because it lived in my grandparents' apartment, but I never actually tried to read it. Apparently I made the right choice?

[skygiants]

You definitely did. Several great chefs of Europe are dead! That's all you need to know!

[sophia_sol]

oh wow this does sound....bad. I was looking through my own list of books I've read so far this year in preparation of deciding on my own worst-book-read for 2018 and I'm surprised & pleased to discover I don't have any real losers this year. Maybe I'm getting better at saying no to books that are not for me!

[skygiants]

That is extremely important personal growth and I am proud of you for it!

[lokifan]

The title sounds great, so I applaud the experiment and thank you for informing us all about the fat-shaming and sexism and RANDOM INCEST THAT SOMEHOW WASN'T THE MAIN PLOT?!? and saving us.

[skygiants]

I AM HERE TO HELP. :D

[seekingferret]

I got this from the library on your anti-rec and it is now the worst book I read this year, too. It's pretty remarkable how many different ways it finds to be terrible. Like wow, when you said that Hildegarde got blown up immediately after her reconciliation with Natasha, I didn't realize just how IMMEDIATELY you meant. And the way it manages to be both hipster racist AND actual racist on alternating pages...

[skygiants]

Yeah, it's really impressive, isn't it? It literally hits EVERY BAD POINT it's possible to hit! Every time you think it can't get worse, it does!