(no subject)

[skygiants]

I accidentally left my e-reader at home the other day, but fortunately I have taken to carrying around a tiny emergency Gothic novel with me at all times. This time it was The Locked Corridor, which turned out to be one of the most hilariously bizarre paint-by-numbers Gothics I have yet read.

I want to make it clear: many of my favorite Gothics are balls-to-the-wall nonsense plot points, but the prose is perfectly enjoyable. The prose in this book is like someone dutifully began connecting a bunch of dots with the minimum effort possible, and then got confused somewhere in the middle and also connected in a bunch of dots from someone else's connect-the-dots, still with the absolute minimum effort imaginable.

Our protagonist is Emily, a late nineteenth-century wealthy orphan!

EMILY: oh I just know my marriage will be happy, if not for the jealous ex who lives in the house
ME: hm
EMILY: and the fact that my husband unrequitedly loved my identical twin before her tragic death
ME: HM
EMILY: and is suspected of her murder
ME: CHILD

[freeze frame]

EMILY: yep, that's me. I bet you're wondering how I got myself into this situation...

[flash backwards]

EMILY: Boy, I'm glad to be coming home from the hospital where I spent a year after having a nervous breakdown after discovering my identical twin sister Beth stabbed with our father's ancestral sword! Now I am determined to catch her murderer! Still weird to walk back into the house where she was murdered though! Hope this isn't bad for my mental stability!

EMILY'S MAID: Welcome home!
EMILY: Thanks! How's my local dreamboat crush?
EMILY'S MAID: Rumored to be dating his mother's live-in attendant, also rumored to be dating the local tragically dying consumptive, also rumored to have murdered your sister because she wouldn't return his love!
EMILY: ... boy
EMILY'S MAID: Relatedly, I'm sure the rumors about you murdering your sister out of crazed jealousy because he loved her and not you are nothing to worry about
EMILY: ... BOY, MENTAL HEALTH STIGMA SURE IS A THING

BACHELOR A, WHOM BETH LOVED: Hey Emily, welcome home! Boy, your sister sure was into me, wasn't she? Say, remember when my wife, a completely unrelated tragically dead beautiful young woman, threw herself off a cliff last year?
EMILY: ...
BACHELOR A, WHOM BETH LOVED: Well now you've come home from the mental hospital I was wondering if you could shed any light for me on why she might have done it?
EMILY: ...
BACHELOR A, WHOM BETH LOVED: No? Too bad. Anyway, what do you say about getting married?
EMILY: I have been home from the hospital for SIX HOURS and also, no.

BACHELOR B, WHO LOVED BETH: Hey Emily, welcome home! Boy, how about those rumors about the fact that you murdered your sister out of crazed jealousy because I loved her and not you?
EMILY: Looking at me now, can you possibly believe them?
BACHELOR B, WHO LOVED BETH: Honestly ... no! You look great!
EMILY: So ... you dating your mother's live-in companion? Or the local dying consumptive?
BACHELOR B, WHO LOVED BETH: Nope! But I'm feeling very into you at the moment.
EMILY: But you're the Bachelor Who Loved Beth!
BACHELOR B, WHO LOVED BETH: Yes but over these past five minutes of conversation you've seemed way more like her than you ever did before and I'm very into it. How about we get hitched?
EMILY: I have been home from the hospital for TWELVE HOURS and yes, yes, a million times yes!

EMILY: Darling aunt, I'm engaged!
EMILY'S AUNT, TO HER GREAT CREDIT: Uhhhhhhhhhmmmmmmmm............................

EMILY: honey I'm so glad to be married to you, should we maybe not live with your mom who thinks I murdered my beloved identical twin
EMILY'S NOW-HUSBAND: nah
HEROINE: and her companion, who is rumored to be your jealous ex
EMILY'S NOW-HUSBAND: nnnnnnah
EMILY: and the evil skull-headed ghost who has been seen walking the hallways
ME: THE WHAT NOW

BACHELOR A: Emily I hate to tell you but you're making a big mistake, he's only marrying you for your money
EMILY: darling, do you have money troubles?
EMILY'S NOW-HUSBAND: no of course not
EMILY: great, glad that's cleared up, I've made out a will in which you are the only beneficiary! please draw on all my money any time you want!
ME: C H I L D

EMILY: Here's some flavor text about the house's sad history
ME: this is probably irrelevant
EMILY'S NOW-HUSBAND: Here's some more flavor text about my personal history and my dad who liked to party too much
ME: ok but it's a little hard to focus between the MULTIPLE MURDERS and the MONEY DRAMA and the VARIOUS JEALOUS EXES and the UNRELATED SKULL-HEADED GHOST

EMILY: remember how me and my twin used to ride identical twin horses
ME: of course you did
EMILY: weirdly, Beth's identical twin horse seems way more excited to see me than my own identical twin horse
ME: uh-huh
EMILY: I'm going to talk about this every time I go hang out with the horses, it's very significant
ME, A GENRE-SAVVY GOTHIC READER: hi Beth
[ME, FROM THE FUTURE: Emily does not turn out to be Beth with memory loss and the horse detail never in fact turns out to be significant and I'm still mad about it]

THE EVIL SKULL-HEADED GHOST WHO WALKS THE HALLWAYS: hi Emily it's murder time!
EMILY: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
EMILY'S NOW-HUSBAND: honey the skull-headed ghost isn't real
EMILY: I SAW IT I TELL YOU IT TRIED TO KILL ME I TELL YOU
EMILY'S NOW-HUSBAND: maybe ... people who just got out of the mental hospital for a nervous breakdown ..... shouldn't get so offended when people don't believe them about skull-headed ghosts?
EMILY: BOY MENTAL HEALTH STIGMA SURE IS A THING ISN'T IT

EMILY'S NOW-HUSBAND: here's my grandpa, he's sweet but a bit cuckoo
GRANDPA: I like to walk on the roof at night, sometimes I see things ...
EMILY: oh?
GRANDPA: like how I saw a young man dressed like my grandson heading over to your sister's place on the night of her murder
EMILY: OH REALLY TELL ME MORE
GRANDPA: more about what
EMILY: ... about seeing someone going over to my sister's place on the night of the -
GRANDPA: I never saw that
EMILY: what
GRANDPA: I never said that
EMILY: what
GRANDPA: this conversation never happened, you must have imagined it
EMILY: I can't believe cuckoo Grandpa of all people is gaslighting ME

EMILY: you know this locked storage corridor that no one has really told me to stay out of or emphasized in any way
ME: sure
EMILY: I'm gonna explore it! and get locked into it!
ME: .... sure? I guess the book title somehow implies it's significant?
EMILY: unfortunately I have discovered nothing except creepy noises in this storage corridor
ME: sounds about right

EMILY: So remember how I said I was determined to catch Beth's murderer, well ... I've made like no progress on that unfortunately but I DID get almost murdered by the skull-headed ghost like three more times and gaslit by my husband each and every one of them and also heard a lot more rumors about my husband running off to Boston with either his mother's companion and/or the local dying consumptive so I guess you can't say I've accomplished nothing!

BACHELOR A: hey. hey, Emily. hey.
EMILY: what is it?
BACHELOR A: bet you're sad about your marriage now
EMILY: SHUT UP I DON'T LIKE YOU

ME: normally the rule is the sweetest love interest is always the murderer but honestly they're both so terrible that at this point I really have no idea

THE LOCAL DYING CONSUMPTIVE: hey, just FYI there was never anything between me and your husband
EMILY: ... oh, thanks? did you just show up for one scene to tell me that?
THE LOCAL DYING CONSUMPTIVE: yes! nice to meet you! I'm off to die in a sanitorium now!
EMILY: ............... okay?????

GRANDPA: hey Emily did I forget to tell you about the secret passageway
EMILY: what
GRANDPA: the one that leads directly to your room, the one that means anyone could get up there at any time
EMILY: WHAT
EMILY: I don't actually think it's necessary to do anything about this though

EMILY'S NOW-HUSBAND: darling you seem stressed
EMILY: the constant murder attempts HAVE put me on edge, yes
EMILY'S NOW-HUSBAND: so should we throw a big fancy party?
EMILY: at first I thought this was a terrible idea but, strangely, party planning has brought the entire household together! I've really bonded with my in-laws over the course of these two pages!
ME: ....... okay????

BACHELOR A: hey Emily FYI I'm coming to the party dressed as a Union officer
EMILY: that's nice, so is half the party because everyone still has their Civil War uniforms hanging around, kind of a lazy costume if you ask me

A UNION OFFICER, AT THE PARTY: hey Emily
A UNION OFFICER, AT THE PARTY: let me whirl you into the bushes and rip off my mask
A UNION OFFICER, AT THE PARTY: to reveal: A SKULL-HEADED GHOST!!!!!!

EMILY: well I'm glad to be going to bed after that stressful party!
SKULL-HEADED GHOST, FROM THE SECRET PASSAGEWAY: HI EMILY!!!!!
EMILY'S NOW-HUSBAND: get back ye fiend!
SKULL-HEADED GHOST: [promptly dies of a heart attack]
EMILY: what
EMILY'S NOW-HUSBAND: oh honey i'm so sorry about this, that skull-headed ghost was my degenerate disabled dad who liked to party too much!
ME: WHAT
EMILY'S NOW-HUSBAND: he was horribly incapacitated when the hotel he was hanging out in with his mistress caught fire, so we put him in the storage corridor and told everyone he was dead, as you do!
ME: W H A T
EMILY'S NOW-HUSBAND: he wouldn't have hurt a fly, but he always did like the pretty ladies so he probably just saw you at the party and came to say hello! and now I've scared him to death! poor man!
ME: WHERE DID ANY OF THIS COME FROM
EMILY'S NOW-HUSBAND: i don't see what you're so surprised at, I'm quite sure this was all foreshadowed in the one paragraph of family backstory I provided you with like eighty pages ago

ME: so .... dadwoman in the attic?
ALL OF YOU: no
ME, IN SAD AGREEMENT: no

SKULL-HEADED GHOST: HI EMILY I'VE COME TO MURDER YOU!!!
EMILY: but wait, didn't we SOLVE the skull-headed ghost problem?
SKULL-HEADED GHOST: ok, you got me, I'm Bachelor A disguised as the skull-headed ghost
EMILY: that makes a lot more sense honestly than the other skull-headed ghost solution
BACHELOR A: I murdered your sister because she witnessed me murdering my wife!
EMILY: RIGHT, YOUR DEAD WIFE, I totally forgot about that!
BACHELOR A: but then I got confused about which of you was which and I thought maybe I accidentally murdered the wrong twin, better take both of them out just to be safe!
EMILY: being identical is such a trial
BACHELOR A: honestly I got kind of confused by the identical horses thing
ME: me too, buddy
BACHELOR A: also I wanted to marry your husband's mother's companion AND I got her to spread all those rumors about you
EMILY: so do I need to do anything about this
BACHELOR A: no, I'm going to trip and fall off the roof now
EMILY: ok, great! problem solved!

EMILY'S NOW-HUSBAND: honey I'm so sorry about implying you were crazy every time you saw the skull-headed ghost who was really just my disfigured dad. on the bright side, my money problems are solved now that I've borrowed copiously from your funds, you and my mom really bonded over the party planning, my jealous ex fled the scene, and my other rumored ex is off dying in a sanitorium so I think things are really looking up for us!
EMILY: yes, darling, I expect we will live happily ever after
ME: C H I L D !!!!!!!!!!!!!

Comments

[schneefink]

The summary is wonderful. I'm very amused by the idea of emergency Gothic novels but clearly it's an excellent idea!

[skygiants]

They're designed to be pocket-sized! They just fit in a purse really well! And I'm almost never disappointed to find myself reading one!

[kaberett]

W O W I enjoy your recaps so much and I would almost certainly not manage to read these myself

t h e h o r s e s

[skygiants]

I WILL BE MAD ABOUT THE IRRELEVANT IDENTICAL TWIN HORSES UNTIL MY DYING DAY

[thady]

I'm not sure I ever want to read this book, but I love your summary!

[skygiants]

Thank you! I would absolutely advise against reading this book.

[venetia_sassy]

What.

(your recap was undoubtedly much better than the book.)

[skygiants]

Some Gothic novels I'm like 'NO YOU SHOULD READ IT, IT'S EVEN BETTER IN FULL PROSE FORM' but this ... was definitely not one of them.

[genarti]

WOOOOOOOOOW

I'm exhausted by the plot twists just reading this summary (WHICH IS HILARIOUS AND AMAZING.) Of all my many favorite points, I think my very favorite is either the TWO unrelated skull-headed ghosts or the identical red herring horses.

[skygiants]

it's like when Terry Pratchett did "actually there's TWO Phantoms of the Opera!" except so, so much worse.

[happydork]

ME: so .... dadwoman in the attic?
ALL OF YOU: no
ME, IN SAD AGREEMENT: no

YES

I always love your recaps, but this was a highlight indeed

[skygiants]

THIS VALIDATION IS THE HIGHLIGHT OF MY DAY

[lokifan]

YES YES A THOUSAND TIMES YES

(also omg Beth's horse liking Emily more! how is that not a thing!)

[osprey_archer]

WHAT.

I personally feel offended by the fact that the horses turned out to mean nothing. HOW CAN YOU WASTE QUALITY FORESHADOWING LIKE THAT, AUTHOR???

[skygiants]

RIGHT? it's like she read that foreshadowing in a different, better book, and was like 'cool ominous detail! I'll throw it in!' without ever twigging to what it was ACTUALLY SUPPOSED TO FORESHADOW.

[seekingferret]

Wait, all that and not a single twinswap?

[skygiants]

NOT ONE. I'M FURIOUS.

[sdelmonte]

The very fact that you carry an emergency gothic novel is why we love you.

I used to do the same thing, but it was history, and never tiny.

[skygiants]

Tiny books are so valuable for that very reason!

[saraqael]

C H I L D !!!!!!!!!!!!!

hahaha! Your book reviews are the best.

[skygiants]

IT'S SO HARD WHEN FICTIONAL CHARACTERS CAN'T HEAR YOU YELLING AT THEM TO MAKE BETTER CHOICES.

[brownbetty]

So mad about the twin red horse herrings!

[skygiants]

NEVER FORGET AND NEVER FORGIVE

[kore]

fortunately I have taken to carrying around a tiny emergency Gothic novel with me at all times

That is awesome, as is this recap ("Dadwoman in the attic"!).

[skygiants]

Honestly at first it was because I threw it in in case I finished my book too early and forgot to take it out, but now I will definitely be doing it all the time henceforward.

[toujours_nigel]

this whole books seems exceedingly !!!

[skygiants]

definitely at least one exclamation point of nonsense plot development per page if not per paragraph

[sovay]

[ME, FROM THE FUTURE: Emily does not turn out to be Beth with memory loss and the horse detail never in fact turns out to be significant and I'm still mad about it]

I resent that; I assumed the same thing from Bachelor B's "Yes but over these past five minutes of conversation . . ." and having read other Gothics that are not even The Ivy Tree.

[skygiants]

Bachelor A insists TO HIS DYING BREATH that Beth is Emily and it doesn't mean a DAMN THING

[elsane]

I laughed and laughed and laughed, this may be a truly terrible book, but the review is amazing.

[skygiants]

Truly Gothic novels are the gift that keep on giving!

[jamethiel]

This sounds FABULOUS

[skygiants]

It Was An Experience

[julian]

"So... dadwoman in the attic?"

But, *yes*, actually.

[skygiants]

I appreciate this validation so much

[duskpeterson]

I will read every recap you ever write for the rest of my life.

Also, that Mary Stewart moment? Priceless.

[skygiants]

This book wanted to be a Mary Stewart novel SO BADLY and fell SO VERY far short of the mark.

[larryhammer]

........... wut



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