(no subject)

[skygiants]

I am actively trying to buy fewer books at the moment, but sometimes something comes into your hand at a used bookstore and you realize that you are physically incapable of leaving it on the shelf. Such for me was John DeCles' The Particolored Unicorn.



You will note that the unicorn on this cover is not particularly particolored. This is not the fault of John DeCles, who painstakingly described his unicorn as having a bright yellow left-front leg, a dusky rose right-front leg, an olive green back-left leg, a scarlet right-left leg, a green-and-black tail, a mottled orange back, a rose-pink mane, and a dark blue head with a bright yellow circle around one eye, but the cover artist appears to have understandably decided that this highly specific vision was beyond him.

(The unicorn also speaks in obligate iambic pentameter and sings Mozart but I understand that these attributes would be impossible for a cover artist to captured.)

This book proudly boasts the most lukewarm inside-cover blurb I've ever seen as Esther Friesner politely states, "The Particolored Unicorn most certainly does run through a full spectrum of adventure."

And Esther is right! It truly does!

It is hard to convey my roller coaster of emotions about this book. Ten pages in, when Piswyck was sloshing through piles of lovingly-described manure to buy the iambic pentameter-spouting unicorn from a unicorn slave pen to stop it being killed and eaten that very night, I felt fairly sure it was one of the worst books I'd ever read. Twenty pages further on, when they decided the only way to escape from the country was to create an apparatus out of spider-silk and teach the unicorn how to hang-glide, I felt equally convinced it was in fact one of the best books I'd ever read. When Piswyck's sexual favors were demanded by every woman he met along the journey, I sighed; when he tripped and fell into an elf orgy on board a ship while participating in the Sacred Dance of the DNA Spiral, I rolled my eyes; when his participation in the elf orgy led to him banging a nice young elf man with the exact same air of 'this might as well happen', I admit I was pleasantly surprised! Then they got off the boat, and the unicorn composed an 'anti-shanty' to express its displeasure at the sea, and Piswyck met a nudist wizard in Bermuda whose life's work was attempting to recreate the pterodactyl and decided to use one of the leftover pterodactyl skeletons to make another hang glider to break into a mad scientist's castle on neighboring Coney Island and I gave up on anything except attempting to hold onto the rest of the ride for dear life.

Did I mention that Piswyck's main skill is that he is a trained gymnast? He is also highly skilled in water ballet. The book makes a point of mentioning his tutor's shrine to St. Esther Williams, revered from before the Great Sundering, because this fantasy land is also of course postapocalyptic. According to prophecy, Piswyck is part of a great alphabetical line of heroes, starting with Astwyck and ending, eventually, with Zedwyck, the chosen one. All of that is one hundred percent irrelevant to this narrative, but the book does end on a cliffhanger, and -- to my genuine amazement -- it appears the author published a sequel in 2009, 22 years after the original, as part of (says DeCles' Amazon bio) "a projected twelve volume epic." So who knows, perhaps Zedwyck will one day appear and restore the before times!

(If anyone else would like to experience the Particolored Unicorn in all of its glory, please do let me know; I would love to send it along to continue its full spectrum of adventure.)

Comments

[whimsyful]

wow...at no point in this plot summary could I have predicted what the next sentence was going to be about. I'm honestly kinda amazed this managed to be published.

[skygiants]

In his intro he thanks all the people who got him through receiving 'some of the meanest rejections he's ever seen,' so I gather its path to publication was not a simple one!

[sheliak]

WHAT.

[skygiants]

something I said frequently throughout this book!

[chestnut_pod]

You can be honest: is this post the result of a random word generator? 😆

Incredible. Just, incredible.

[skygiants]

Never underestimate the infinite scope of the human imagination!

[kalloway]

This went places I was not expecting in any way, wow. This guy let his id fly and how.

[skygiants]

He did not restrain himself in any way and there's a certain respect in that!

[coffeeandink]

I am not sure if I am sorry I have absolutely no recollection of this book, even though I know I read it at some point.

[skygiants]

On the one hand it feels incredible that this book could entirely fall out of a person's head and on the other hand it feels so plausible that this book could entirely fall out of a person's head ...

[hokuton_punch]

Incredible. I feel like if I had run across this book at age 12, it would have been formative, probably in a bad way. *imagines all my fic with pterodactyl skeleton hang gliders now*

[skygiants]

HOW COULD THIS BE A BAD THING

[sholio]

This sounds absolutely bananas.

[skygiants]

I truly could not predict at any turn where it was going next and one does have to respect that!

[starlady]

Wow, that plot summary was a journey.

[skygiants]

There's so much I didn't even have room to include ... the part where the unicorn has to participate in a dirty ballad competition ... the part where Piswyck is strapped naked to a table to be used for experiments in evil jelly ... the never-explained but eternally-ominous Appearing Egg ....

[ermingarden]

That’s glorious!!

[skygiants]

I love a voyage of discovery!

[vass]

This book proudly boasts the most lukewarm inside-cover blurb I've ever seen as Esther Friesner politely states, "The Particolored Unicorn most certainly does run through a full spectrum of adventure."

This reads like the only blurbable line from a much longer review. Possibly even the only blurbable half-sentence from a much longer review.

I think I need to add this book to my tbr. If not for the Mozart and iambic pentameter, certainly for the pterodactyl-enthusiast nudist wizard.

[skygiants]

I THINK YOU DO. (I was waiting with bated breath to find if the pterodactyl-enthusiast nudist wizard was going to be end up as another love interest after the loving description of his manly naked form, but, alas, he serves a purely functional purpose [providing pterodactyl skeletons].)

[yasaman]

Oh my god, I also have this book!! I just went hunting in my bookshelves for it and found it, to my surprise. It was also a used bookstore find for me, and I read it as a teenager. I have very little memory of it, though the name Piswyck and some of your summary here sounded vaguely familiar. The main thing I remember from it is the Hitchhiker's Guide reference somewhere in there. lolol maybe I should reread it as and adult who can better appreciate how bonkers it is.

Another delightful detail now that I'm looking at my physical copy: the little subheading of "An Entertainment" on the title page :D

[skygiants]

asjd;fldkj omg! YEAH there's a point where a bowl of petunias gets destroyed in one of the various Exciting Incidents and Piswyck compares its fate to getting launched into space a la the petunias in Hitchhiker's and then is like 'ah, but not everyone appreciates The Classics ....' I'll look forward to your report if you do decide to dive in!

I also thought the 'An Entertainment!' subheading was very charming. Does what it says on the tin!

[genarti]

I realize that many of the glories of this book must await the, er, lucky reader (and also that I have experienced it only through your copious and deeply appreciated reports as you went), but nonetheless I do feel it's important to specify that the mad scientist's castle on Coney Island, Bermuda is in fact actual factual Neuschwanstein Castle, teleported over because every mad scientist wizard must be true to their aesthetic vision.

Also also: the amount of bananapants packed into one single slim volume is TRULY INCREDIBLE.

[skygiants]

AND that the entire island of Bermuda is furious about Neuschwanstein because they consider it an architectural abomination that doesn't suit their aesthetic!

[jadelennox]

but the cover artist appears to have understandably decided that this highly specific vision was beyond him.

hahaha that is totes a darrell k. sweet cover, and though the shockingly-hugo-nominated sweet did the cover illustration for basically every mass market SFF paperback of the late 70's through early 90's, he never really got good at human proportions, and his horses and unicorns were only barely better.

Man, though, looking at Darrell K. Sweet covers is like a tour through my bookshelves. Robin McKinley. Roger Zelazny. Anne McCaffery. All with slightly overlarge heads with plasticy Ken Doll hair.

[sholio]

YES. His style is so recognizable. I think of him as "the guy who does the Xanth covers" but obviously it's a lot more than that.

[passingbuzzards]

WOW??? WOW. That is just. SO MUCH. (Reading this summary truly had me shaking with laughter, thank you for brightening my day!)

[skygiants]

This is the kind of book that I'm more or less incapable of reading without immediately beginning to describe it to whoever will listen, whether they want to hear about it or not, so I"m extremely glad you had fun with it!

[philomytha]

This is amazing. I think I started howling around about the anti-shanty and then couldn’t stop laughing at all. Hang gliders! Water ballet! The alphabetical heroes! (Please tell me I’m not the only person trying to formulate them: Astwyck, Berwyck, Ciswyck? Jizwyck? Miswyck? Quizwyck???)

[skygiants]

(Mr. DeCles helpfully namechecks Chadwyck, Oswyck, and Piswyck's eventual future son Queswyck ... before you'd started formulating I had pretty much been under the assumption that of the lot Piswyck had to be the absolute worst name to be saddled with, but now you have alerted me to the possibilities of JIZWYCK which does transcend!)

[rachelmanija]

I feel that I must accept your offer solely to see how accurate the hang gliding is.

[skygiants]

As soon as I hit the hang gliding I formed a secret conviction that this book really ought to end up in your hands -- it will be on its way to you as soon as the friend who was there when I bought it has had their turn.

[rose_griffes]

Just here to say how much I enjoyed your write-up of this... masterpiece?

[skygiants]

lololol I'm glad you enjoyed it!

[davidgillon]

painstakingly described his unicorn as having a bright yellow left-front leg, a dusky rose right-front leg, an olive green back-left leg, a scarlet right-left leg, a green-and-black tail, a mottled orange back, a rose-pink mane, and a dark blue head with a bright yellow circle around one eye

OMG, my eyes!! Perhaps they toned the cover down for public safety?

[skygiants]

I admit I found and still find it challenging to visualize but I think that it deserved an attempt! Some brave person on deviantart seems to have done it ...

[osprey_archer]

Just reading this summary was a roller coaster ride! Truly delightful but probably as close as I want to get to this book.

(DeCles is surely taking the piss with the whole "projected twelve volume fantasy epic" thing? SURELY. At the rate he's publishing them it would take over 200 years to finish...)

[melita66]

I did a quick google yesterday and hit upon his website, maybe. Very... '90s style? Lots of colored text in different sizes, one long page, what I consider wacky statements and ramblings.

[petra]

What a ride! Thank you for the review.

[skygiants]

It had to be shared! (Not least so I could get it off my shelves again before I have to move it to a new apartment ...)

[neotoma]

I know I read this back in the day, because I remember the unicorn being rescued from the knacker, and the elf orgy. I can't remember anything else about it, but it was a long time ago.

[skygiants]

Those parts are both definitely extremely memorable!

[themis1]

Just ... amazing!

[skygiants]

That's definitely one word for it!

[regshoe]

*boggles*

Well, this is certainly a very entertaining review :D Sounds like that cover blurb was not wrong, at least...

[skygiants]

Esther Friesner told us nothing but the truth and the whole truth!

[marginaliana]

wow I can't wait to read this.

It's on the Internet Archive for anyone who doesn't mind experiencing it digitally, just FYI.

[skygiants]

oh hell yes and thank goodness for the important work of the Internet Archive ... I'm so glad posterity will have this.

[sovay]

and Piswyck met a nudist wizard in Bermuda whose life's work was attempting to recreate the pterodactyl and decided to use one of the leftover pterodactyl skeletons to make another hang glider to break into a mad scientist's castle on neighboring Coney Island and I gave up on anything except attempting to hold onto the rest of the ride for dear life.

That sentence accurately conveys the effect.

I can absolutely remember seeing this book in used book stores in high school and college; I am confident from your summary that I did not read it.

[skygiants]

I would imagine it would have been difficult to forget but coffeeandink's testimony appears to suggest otherwise! Perhaps as difficult to hold onto as some fever dreams ....