(no subject)

[skygiants]

A few months ago, I read Peasprout Chen: Future Legend of Skate and Sword. Well! I said. That was a fascinating experience! I don't think I'm going to continue it! But it sure was fascinating!

However, then osprey_archer came along with a devil's bargain, and so, here we are, back again, with Peasprout Chen: Battle of Champions.

Returning readers may recall that in book one, Peasprout Chen attended ICE SKATING MARTIAL ARTS SCHOOL in FANTASY TAIWAN with her BABY BROTHER, a PAIR OF HOT MYSTERIOUS TWINS, and A LOT OF PEOPLE WHO HATED HER. In book two, all these people are still at martial arts school, but we have added a New Girl into the mix: Yinmei, the GREAT GRANDDAUGHTER of the DOWAGER EMPRESS of FANTASY CHINA.

Yinmei has a voice as sweet and bright as a brook! She has a face like a mirror burning with light! She keeps giving Peasprout one-sided smiles and telling her things like 'you are the lock and I am the key!' Peasprout obviously takes all of this as a sign that Yinmei is interested in stealing the heart of the Hot Mysterious Boy Twin.

Yinmei also can't take more than five steps in one day or her heart will explode, because of a punitive dose of magical puberty blockers. This apparently was NOT just a throwaway line in the last book. Cricket might also be dying from magical puberty blocker side effects; unclear.

Anyway! ICE SKATING MARTIAL ARTS SCHOOL is being MENACED by FAKE CHINA, so the entire curriculum has become All Child Soldier Training All The Time and instead of last year's elaborate solo challenges everyone has to form up into BATTLEBANDS and compete in BIG BAND BATTLES. Fake China has also announced that they will STOP menacing Ice Skating Martial Arts School if Ice Skating Martial Arts School RELINQUISHES PEASPROUT CHEN, but Peasprout has bargained herself ongoing sanctuary if her battleband comes in first in EVERY big band battle competition. Peasprout's battleband, of course, includes her BABY BROTHER, the HOT MYSTERIOUS TWINS, and, intermittently, Yinmei -- intermittently because Peasprout changes her mind about once a chapter about whether Yinmei is a VALUABLE AND VALIANT ALLY or a SINISTER SPY.

[Other battlebands include the Battle-Kite Sparkle-Pilots, who all bleach their bangs and look like kpop idols; Radiant Thousand-Story Very Tall Goddess, who climb into a sort of giant mecha pyramid of ice skating martial artists; and the Pink Army, who cut their hair into bowlcuts and declare themselves an arm of the police in a bewildering plot beat that turns out to be completely irrelevant. I was charmed by Radiant Thousand-Story Very Tall Goddess though.]

So all that is one big problem. Another problem is the school is apparently being menaced by water dragons and any students who accidentally see them will immediately be turned into pillars of salt.


In a twist that is shocking only to Peasprout, it turns out that Yinmei is NOT straight and interested in the Hot Boy Twin! Instead, she and the Hot GIRL Twin start dating!!

(The Hot Girl Twin, you may remember, spent the entirety of the last book pretending to be the Hot Boy Twin and fell passionately in love with Peasprout, but Peasprout spurned her and is now pinning all her hopes on the REAL Hot Boy Twin, whom she did not in fact actually meet until the last page of Book 1/first page of Book 2.)

HOWEVER! when Yinmei takes more than five steps in a single day and collapses, the Hot Girl Twin tries to save her with combo Chi entanglement but they AREN'T close enough ... but PEASPROUT can entangle her Chi with Yinmei's successfully to heal her!

In a second dramatic reveal, it turns out that Yinmei ... IS in fact a traitorous spy who wants to return to Fantasy China with all of Fantasy Taiwan's secrets! Peasprout figures it out just in time to stop her, but only by dooming her to death! The Hot Girl Twin begs her not to do it, because she loves Yinmei! and then Peasprout and the Hot Girl Twin have a TRAGIC ICE SKATING BATTLE about it!! Lesbian drama INTENSIFIES!!

(Where is the Hot Boy Twin on whom Peasprout is ostensibly crushing in all of this? somewhere else. irrelevant.)

in the end, Peasprout accedes and does NOT kill Yinmei, but they ARE able to capture her, but NOT before she reveals a terrible secret. Then Yinmei reveals her own dark secret: she is the Empress Dowager! one of a long line of Empress Dowagers all pretending to be the original Empress Dowager in hopes of reforming Fantasy China's INCREDIBLE SEXISM and FREEING WOMEN FROM FOOT BINDING, which they can only do by bringing the government the secrets of Fantasy Taiwan!

Oh, and the water dragons are not real dragons but are instead an elaborate conspiracy by the teachers to keep the students away from their SECRET TORNADO FACTORY out in the depths of the MAGNETIZED SEAWATER, which the students can control with SOME KIND OF SPECIAL DRUM. Lien does explain all of this in some level of detail but do not ask me to replicate it because I absolutely can't and anyway it does not matter, what matters is that Yinmei offers to make PEASPROUT the next Empress Dowager if she will give up on her loyalty to Fantasy Taiwan and Ice Skating Martial Arts School in order to save the women of Fantasy China.

While I appreciate the non black-and-white nature of the choice here I have to confess that I think making Peasprout Chen the Empress of anything is the worst idea that I have ever heard.

It is likely we will never know how Peasprout responds to this offer, as the book ends on this very cliffhanger and book 3 appears to be in eternal limbo. We also may never know how all the lesbian drama resolves. Many questions with Peasprout Chen, but I'll say this for these books: as much as they make my eyebrows leap up into my hairline, they are NEVER boring.

Comments

[conuly]

Then Yinmei reveals her own dark secret: she is the Empress Dowager! one of a long line of Empress Dowagers all pretending to be the original Empress Dowager

Question: Does the author know what a "dowager" is?

[adrian_turtle]

Having listened to the first audiobook, I believe the author does not know what an "ice skate" is.

[mme_n_b]

I believe the original Empress may have killed her husband, and the rest of them are only pretending to be the original Dowager, so likely yes.

[skygiants]

This is a deception in-universe! the original Empress Dowager was indeed a widow [who as mm_n_b says did indeed murder the Emperor]

[sholio]

The reviews of these books are truly the gift that keeps giving. ♥

[skygiants]

I do my best to report accurately and honestly!

[sovay]

Oh, and the water dragons are not real dragons but are instead an elaborate conspiracy by the teachers to keep the students away from their SECRET TORNADO FACTORY out in the depths of the MAGNETIZED SEAWATER, which the students can control with SOME KIND OF SPECIAL DRUM.

Does anyone actually turn into a pillar of salt?

I am very impressed by the ongoing lesbian drama.

[osprey_archer]

No one turns into a pillar of salt, but the teachers did get someone to carve salt statues of soldiers to make it LOOK like people have turned into pillars of salt, which shows impressive commitment to the bit.

[skygiants]

I did not think the lesbian drama of last book could be topped, but the plot twists of the last two chapters of this one are really giving it a run for its money.

[troisoiseaux]

Not to write basically the same comment on your and osprey_archer's reviews, but: this book sounds bananas and I love this review so much.

[skygiants]

Much like Peasprout Chen herself, the book is ALWAYS going at Two! Hundred! Percent!!

[sophia_sol]

Hot damn this book is so much and I am sincerely impressed

[skygiants]

It really shows an impressive breadth of inventiveness, tbh!

[kate_nepveu]

your review is extremely Tough Guide to Fantasyland coded, which is only right and good.

[skygiants]

the influence of reading All The DWJ All At Once seeps its inevitable way into every aspect of my life

[osprey_archer]

I think the one unbelievable thing in this book is the bit where Madame Sensei Yiao tells Peasprout that she has amazing leadership potential. I'm willing to accept "if you magnetize water you can skate on it" and "this giant mecha made of ice skaters is a reasonable battle band strategy" and "if you skate in a circle real fast you can create a waterspout," but Peasprout whose leadership strategy is to walk up to her battle band and announce "I've picked our name" and then get huffy when the others object has amazing leadership potential? I... am not sure.

I mean, maybe years down the line. After a lot of growing. But not right now, and definitely not in time to be Empress of Shin in the near future.

[minutia_r]

I have not read the book and don't know the context, so it's possible that what I'm about to say is off-base, but it is sadly not uncommon even in the real world for people to conflate "bossy" with "leadership potential" or indeed "good at doing a thing" with "ought to be in charge of a group of people doing the thing."

[skygiants]

TRULY. Also, I was frankly shocked that the end of the leadership class plot wasn't 'the girl that Peasprout has been constantly dismissing the whole time IS in fact a brilliant leader because she Listens to her Team and has Skills that Peasprout could Learn.' We simply will not be acknowledging the skills of anybody who is not aggressively protagonist-coded today!

[hilarita]

These books sounds very. I'm not sure very what, but definitely Very.

[skygiants]

IT IS DEFINITELY EXTREMELY VERY

[larryhammer]

I'll grant you that -- it does not sound the slightest bit boring.

[skygiants]

Every chapter, something new, exciting and/or baffling!

[pauraque]

So does battling on ice skates not count towards Yinmei's maximum five steps in a day, or what?

[osprey_archer]

Yinmei does not battle on ice skates. Yinmei has been accepted to the Pearl Famous martial arts ice-skating academy on the strength of being a beautiful refugee princess and also her ice-cold strategic insights.

[brownbetty]

Does Yinmei have a wheelchair, or does she just. Like. Walk everywhere *very slowly*?

[osprey_archer]

Yinmei has a BLADECHAIR, which is like a wheelchair but with blades so that it can skate on the Pearl. Because you have to skate in order to get anywhere in Pearl.

[chestnut_pod]

So all that is one big problem. Another problem is the school is apparently being menaced by water dragons and any students who accidentally see them will immediately be turned into pillars of salt.

Oh, is that all?! What an aside.

[skygiants]

You know! Normal school year situations!

[newredshoes]

I have just read SO many words in SUCH an order, but not as many as you have!!!!

[skygiants]

They're VERY quick reads but every sentence of them is exactly as much SO MANY WORDS IN SUCH AN ORDER as this post is, if not more.

[qian]

I have to say, I've known Henry Lien previously primarily as an extremely vegan guy on my Facebook feed, but these posts have given me a great respect for him. It's a pity the third book is in limbo!

[osprey_archer]

He's also extremely vegan in the book! By book two, all five of our protagonists are vegan. There is a brief moment of DRAMA when it looks like maybe Hisashi eats meat??? but actually it's just tofu that LOOKS like meat.